ulfr

Am broken there something really wrong with me my OCD is driving me mad all over the fact i want a drink i can bloody taste it smell it went to an AA meeting tonight because i am feeling like S*** WANT TO DRINK AND I WANT TO KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I CANT GET MY HEAD TO SHUT THE F*** UP This morning i wanted to drink but i told myself to respect the fact that my sponsor wouldnt want a drunk at the door crying like a ******* baby told her i felt this way she talked to me watch helped normally i dont go to an meeting on a Thursday but tonight i went in the meeting i almost broke down i know that if i drink am screwed ill end up dying from this madness i cant get the thoughts to go away so here i am at 10 pm feeling like i want to go to a pub and get pi***ed and i hate the fact i cant and i hate the fact i want this and i am hating myself and self pitting like F*** also feel like self harming because i want to feel something that will jolt me into thinking right OCD is making things worse and i think by the end of the night ill be calling the loony bin
AM 3 YEARS SOBER I SHOULDNT FEEL THIS WAY - every alcoholic or drug addict feels this way thats what addictions do to you my sponoser was at that meeting she know my mind is like this she talk and it helped but i cant keep calling her all night not had dinner yet as i have been out all day ill end up having it at 10.30 pm as it took be made and cooked my husband is sick of me talking it over and over so i better SHUT THE F*** UP BEFORE I **** HIM OFF
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG

jessie65

Hang in the GrantMeSerenity, you're not alone.
I'm sorry for your situation, I know about the racing thoughts. It's awful when you can't get your head to shut up.
Be strong. 3 years is awesome!!

Gilmer

(((((gms)))))

WGlenn

I know what you mean about the OCD. I have it, too. Do you think you should call your psychiatrist to see if medication is in order?

SoberLeigh

Sending many good thoughts and support your way, GrantMeSerenity.

Have you spoken with your doctor?

Dee74

I'm sorry that you're so conflicted at the moment.

I've said this a few time now so sorry for sounding like a broken record but I really hope you'll get in touch with your doctor or therapist GMS.

There's no shame in needing, or asking for, help.

D

ulfr

Am on meds at the moment i cant get a high dose of my medication at the moment because it affects my prolacting level and other hormones too much female ones am becoming male because am trans and that will affect me when i finally get hormones they will not put me on different meds for some reason my OCD has improved there was one point where i couldnt go out without my husband as i though i was going to hurt other people my husband had to hold my hands down on the bus because i didnt trust myself that was a long time ago i dont want to mix my meds up again this works and i dont want to screw with that also its night time here and i dont get my psych number as she is nhs and will not pass that info on
just wanted to tell you all am off to bed hopefully i can sleep
tomorrow will be hard unsure if i can be trusted to end up at the meeting at 9 .30 am and not hang around and wait for booze be sold after half 10 am in the morning --- my husband says he will be pissed of i do that and i will end up fighting with him i want to die i cant get this to go away that is the craziness of addiction

Atlast9999

I’m sorry you are in a very tough place.

Look at all the great things you’ve done: called your sponsor, didn’t drink, went to a meeting, talked to your husband. It sounds like you have a good support system around you. Keep seeking their help, keep making good choices, and hang in there!

Dee74

I hope you feel better tomorrow then GMS.

D

Rar

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful today GMS. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Just remember, you're not alone. We're here for you. Hope you have a good sleep.

BDTL

You made it through today so wake up tomorrow, hit ya meeting, and focus on finishing the day strong. All alcohol will do is make ya feel even worse. One day, at a time........ 3 years is a long time for your sobriety so don't let it slide out the window. Take up karate, or bag punching, or long walks with a dog to vent that frustration. Ok my prayers are for ya and I hope you have a better day tomorrow....

Anna

GMS, I'm sorry to hear how much you are struggling right now. You're doing the right thing by staying sober and I hope you will feel better in the morning. I also think you should talk to your dr about the medications. Maybe there could be some changes made that won't affect your hormone levels?

Trelkovsky

Hope you feel better today. 3 years is an accomplishment.

saoutchik

Have you tried walking GMS? A long walk - minimum of 1 hour but preferably 90 minutes to two hours really helps improving my mood and my sleep and of course it is good for your physical well being. It might be worth a try as there are no real downsides.

3 years sober is amazing GMS, there are hundreds of people on SR that would give their eye teeth for that.