JackD89

I don't even know why.

I drank a pint of vodka last night and I feel like garbage today.

It was different than urges in the past. When I drank a month ago on my birthday I remember doing it because I thought I could handle it and then I watched myself spiral out of control for two days.

Last night was different. It was like I somehow just didn't care anymore. Something flipped and it was almost like not a thing in the world was going to stop me from downing that pint.

So here I am posting on here and scheduling an appointment with my shrink to talk it out.

Back to day one.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Jack. This is a common thought, but it's pure AV/addiction speak. You had many chances/choices to stop yourself if you think about it. You had to decide to do it, get money, travel to the store, actually buy it, bring it home, open it and then drink it. Each of those things was a conscious choice made by you.

The point being - you likely were not ready for the "urge". Do you participate in any formal kind of recovery program or system? If not this would likely be a good time to start, no?

August252015

Glad you made it back.

lessgravity

Been there before too man. It's good you made your way here, rather than running off the rails.

Buck up and keep checking in.

thomas11

Glad you made it back and are taking action. Wish you the best.

Hevyn

I'm happy you came back, Jack. It didn't turn into a long binge. You learned something.

trytorun

It's great that you're back. You're back because you realized you thought wrong yesterday: You DO still care. Now you know, and you know that you're ready to fight.

Dee74

Welcome back Jack

I think a strong plan is pretty important - if you don't have a contingency plan for those times you just don't care, you need one.

D

Rar

You did good coming back right away Jack before the Beast got too big a hold on you. Dust yourself off and begin again. Maybe the plan needs a tweak or two? I know I frequently have to tweak mine as I face new and difficult situations.

Delilah1

Welcome back Jack!

Gottalife

Hey Jack,
this happened to me many times. It is talked about over and over in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. It is the single greatest distinguishing feature of the real alcholic as described in the book. At certain times I had no effective mental defense against the first drink.

What that means is that, on my own resources I could not not drink.
I am pretty sure if you were making a conscious, rational and sane choice at the time, you would have made the choice to not drink, but maybe you didn't have that power. I certainly did not.

This is one example "The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."

Forward12

What happened? Reaching out before you do something stupid is always the best step!

August252015

How are you today Jack? What's a plan for being sober - today? Take care and stay with us.

JackD89

Thanks, everyone for your responses. I worked through yesterday and stayed sober. Today I am doing what I do when I do this and reading back through a lot of my writing I did when I first got sober. One thing that helps me stay focused is remembering the headspace I was in when I first quit drinking. I often forget what the pain of withdrawal is like. That pain, and the pain my drinking caused me, was far more than any relief I ever thought I found at the bottom of a bottle.

Today, I remember that drinking does not work for. Sobriety does, and I need to make that my number one focus when I find myself in moments of weakness.

lessgravity

Good. Valuable to be here fighting again.

Gottalife

Given your experience to date, do you still believe that your mental defenses will be enough?

DontRemember

I had a few years with revolving "F-it's" thrown in when I was trying to gain my sobriety footing. I distinctly remember my last drunk. I set out with one goal in mind that night, to get trashed and trashed I got. Woke up in a strange bed and had slept with two women(I'm told). I felt like cheap garbage for days after. That was my tipping point. Took my ass back to some AA meetings and haven't drank since. I can't even remember how long ago that night was,but it was several months ago. Do the work and it does/will get easier to not even think about drinking the first one.

Fearlessat50

That is the hardest place to be - when you feel like you don’t care anymore. When you don’t care, how do you get yourself to start caring and change course? I’ve been there. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Learn from the slip and stay focused on your goal. Seeing therapist is a good idea to explore what’s going on beneath the surface.