Smilax

So... I don't know if this is a very positive or a very negative thread. I guess it's both. Long post sorry need to vent. But please read if you have the time.

So I stopped daily drinking back on March 22 of this year. That was my last day I had anything after tapering off. Then in the months that followed I began to do a lot of personal emotional work. I've been trying to force myself to open up with friends. expand my comfort zones, get out there and live. I've told people here multiple times but the long and short of it was that I lived an extremely emotionally isolated life till I was 32. I'm 36 now. I fell off the wagon back on June 9 when I had a bottle of wine and 2 beer, and again today. Why? I guess the emotional load I've been under. Although a lot of it is in the service of good progress. So to give you an idea what I've done in the past oh, 3 months or so...

*I've been seeing an individual therapist and really opening up to her. Being vulnerable and open in my sessions with her. Not holding back tears etc.

*I've been opening up to friends a LOT more about everything in my head. Being vulnerable with them as well, on a different level of course. Not hiding my struggles. But I'm also forcing myself to hang out with them as much as I can. Seek comfort from them when I need it. My traditionally isolationist self doesn't do that kind of thing but over the past several years I've learned to. I've accelerated this recently.

*I got my full drivers licence after failing the test 3 times (here in Canada is real ordeal to get)

*I've been under a LOT of work stress having to basically help manage 2 retail stores while already being burned out at work. Having to hire new people and train them for a store that's not even mine. Having my staff be stressed out and listen to their problems. They are all my friends too so I do so as a friend but it's added stress. Just a LOT of daily exhaustion from work stress. I REALLY need a vacation and I have 2 weeks saved up but it seems impossible to take amid the staffing shortage I'm dealing with.

*I've been much more truthful with my father about how I feel about things with him. I could write a whole other post this length about my family. The are loving but smothering an enabling. I guess I've started to be more assertive, forceful, and even a little short tempered in my language with them. But truthful. I told my father today I feel he needs to get into therapy.

*The BIG one is I started dating. I was seeing a girl for the past month or so. I'm 36 and I've NEVER done this before lol. Had a girl come in to my store that seemed interested in me, friend of a friend. We awkwardly talked and she disengaged at one point and even said "I think I made a mistake coming here". Normally I would have cut my losses there and have been thankful for the awkwardness being over. This time I told myself *NO* You push yourself to do this. Either you complain about being alone and lonely your whole life or you do something about it! So I forced myself to reengage and the rest of the discussion went well. I asked her out later to coffee and we had 3 dates that went relatively well. I met her friends at a games night, we hung out. We talked every day via text. We definitely had a good connection as friends. But the problem is neither of us I think felt much of a spark or connection beyond that. Yesterday our last date went ok as well. I had been worried though that I wasn't feeling much on my end. And that was rather confirmed when she cut the date at the end saying she needed to go home to feed her dog. At the end last second I mentioned that the reason I had been awkward was that "this was the first time I've dated". She seemed relatively unphased by that but then added "this is awkward too but because I'm planning to move away (I knew she was) I don't think I should be dating, but I definitely still want to be friends. She said that when I had first asked her out she wasn't very sure but said yes cause she only get's asked out once every 3 years or so. She said she was worried that she was leading me on. I actually laughed quite a sigh of relief when she said that because I told her I was the one worried I was leading HER on. And in truth that's what I was worried cause I wasn't feeling it on my end but wanted to see if things would develop. Not sure if what I said about never having dated scared her away or not, but I don't think so given the other hints I had. And she DOES want to still be friends as we are still talking today. I walked away from that actually quite happy with the outcome all in all. I was torturing myself like CRAZY the past several months with "am I feeling this? Is she feeling this?" No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes. And it's just nice to have closure that ended ok for both.

But. Today I am super depressed. I honestly don't think it is directly related to things not working out with that girl because like I said things ended well enough. But maybe that was a bit of a trigger, a small one. It's just all of the above adding up. I knew by about noon today that today was going to be a real challenge not to get something to drink, and I failed.

But I'm very proud of myself for the amount of work I've put in. This has not been easy for someone who only 4 years ago lived at home with his parents and had no life what soever. I've told myself too not to let the momentum I've build up from asking that girl out to slide. I've been thinking of starting a dating profile at some point to put myself back out there. I've been alone, lonely my entire life and it's been something I've moped about but done nothing about because I lacked the courage. Those times are changing. I'm tired of having no courage. More and more I just DO. But the result is often a Mt Everest of stress, even if the result isn't bad and I learn from it and moved forward. I don't wish to go back to drinking as a regular thing. I REFUSE TO. But then depression is such a strong tide to swim against. :-(

Dee74

Maybe its not the emotional load that makes you drink but the lack of alternative strategies other than sinking to deal with such emotional loads, smilax?

D

Smilax

You are right about that. Although the truth is that I actually have added a LOT of better strategies and coping mechanisms than I used to have. When I list opening up with friends above. That has actually been quite helpful a LOT of the time in talking me down from a bad place. Even today I went to my store and talked with my friends and coworkers and that DID help pull me out of some of the worst of my feelings today. Why I caved anyway is harder to say I guess. But no I have definitely been utilizing other mechanism a lot this past month or so. But you are right I should be doing more. Exercise, a much better diet, meditation. But it's also true that the level of stress I've been putting myself through has been much greater than in the past when I was drinking daily with much less stress.

Smilax

Oh I forgot to mention another major stress which is that I've stopped taking the antidepressant medication I've been on for years. I never found they did much but keep the worst at bay but with it they sapped my motivation for change, to do anything. But coming off them definitely adds anxiety and depression to things too. Though it's hard to know what to attribute my depression and anxiety to exactly as I've struggled with them both most of my life.

Dee74

* drinking not sinking thanks Least

I found the level of stress was greater when I stopped simly because I'd drunk at every stress before, no matter how minor.

The more things I faced tho, the more capable I became.

I've face some mad bad and sad things in the last 11 years,. I'm dealing with some bad things today.

I had to take drinking off the table as a viable option.

I have to believe there is nothing so bad a drink couldn't make worse.

D

doggonecarl

Your last two posts have been after you drink. Perhaps a better way to leverage SR for support would be to post before you pick up. That is, if total sobriety is your goal.

Rar

This is SO TRUE for me as well. Before I quit drinking I would have never thought it possible to face and handle the situations I've experienced these last months without drinking. Each experience does make one stronger. Actually, it still sort of amazes me that I am getting through it without alcohol.

lessgravity

I find I think of the inverse of this - I cannot believe that I got through life with the way I abused alcohol. The physical suffering - vomiting, headaches, shakiness, sleeplessness - and the spiritual suffering - lies, lies, lies to myself and everyone else in the world - how did I get up each day?

Attachment, loss, suffering, pain - all inevitable in life. How I did so in the haze and misery of a drunk's life is beyond me.

Smilax

Well I'm definitely not going back again. Ended up throwing up. Definitely feel stupid :-( I know I've said that before but. No, like the other things in my life I'm changing this has to be the last time I do this.

DontRemember

Have you looked into/tried a couple AA meetings? It's a great way to meet like minded people as far as addiction goes and there's loads of sober activities I'm told(I'm not an avid AA'er)..Seems like it could help with your loneliness and you'd also not be strictly relying on close friends. Eventually your friends will tire of repeated relapses because they really do not understand. There's also other sobriety groups out there too. F2F support is important I found.

Smilax

I did go to meetingsfor a while when I was drinking daily, I actually hadn't decided to stop at that point but was attending because I was "wanting" to. These weren't actually AA but a government run smart recovery group. Thanks for suggesting. I might drop in to a few meetings. I haven't actually been leaning on my friends for this directly. They know of my past drinking, sort of. They know I've drank these past 2 times when I've slipped. But. I haven't talked to them as in "I'm an alcoholic". More I've shared my struggles with feeling in a bad place, and they know when I've slipped up. But I don't feel it's fair to friends to unload the whole internal addiction monologue, I'm an alcoholic, stuff. You are right that's what groups are for. I've never been really comfortable going to them to be honest. Not saying I won't. But then I never went to individual therapy before either and I'm glad I'm going to that now.

someday147

Sounds to me from your first post that you're doing really well smilax. Opening up to friends and a therapist and pushing comfort zones and getting your full licence especially if you are under alot of work pressure. I'm sure you will come back much stronger from this.