Aquiana

Oh man, this is a little off topic but I think I made a boo boo. About 5 months ago I caught my bf on a bunch of dating websites. I was of course very angry. He said it was just for fun and he didn't mean anything blah blah blah. I since locked him out of them on this computer. He needs a password to view a lot of them on here now. Anyway, I never thought about it until today. This girl came on his messenger service, (he left it on and I hadn't bothered to shut it off) and started talking to me. I told her pretty much that he wasn't here, I was his girlfriend and his "dating" got him in a lot of trouble. Then I deleted and blocked the contact. Now I feel kind of bad. It wasn't really my business to do that. She said it's been 5 months since he gave her his email, so it doesn't sound like he's been doing it lately. Should I not have interfered? Should I tell him what happened? I don't really know what he'll think if he finds out I was messing around with his stuff....I just did it without thinking. He and I have some major trust issues associated with a lot of stuff from the past and I guess this just proved it again. Should I fess up?

Petunia

Aquina,

Trust is the biggie and when it's missing from a relationship or worse yet it's been crushed at some point it takes a great deal of commitment to correcting problems to get it back. Unless both partners are in a healthy place it will be hard to have the kind of trust needed to make grown-up decisions.

As angry or frustrated as I might get with my AH, I strive to act in a way that is respectful of him. The old adage, "treat others as you'd like to be treated". We're all learning and making mistakes. What I think is important is that when we do, that we apologize and use the tools that we have learned in Al-Anon, SR, therapy, to not be manipulated by the other person. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. Being mature is owning up to them and letting what will happen, happen. We can't control it and lying or not telling is a way that we try and control the situation.

If you commit to not interfering again then that is a positive step. The road is filled with many obstacles. And we are all stumbling along but we still get up and keep moving. That my dear, is all I can offer.

I hope that you realize and are proud of the fact that you even asked the question! To me that looks a whole lot like growth. You are continuing to grow in a wonderful way, don't lose momentum to little hiccups. We all have them.

Peace,
Petunia

brightlight

No, I would not tell him nothing! It is hard when talking boyfriend and not husband, so I guess it depends on what you both agreed to, but if you agreed to only be with each other then he is breaking that agreement. He is wrong and not you. If he was my husband or boyfriend, he would be lucky he still has a computer that was still in one piece, but I am a controlling codie and trying to fix it.

Shel

didn't he tell you it was just "playing around?" ( HE LIED)

and ask yourself this question..Would he tell you???

(kinda anti men today ...sorry)

Aquiana

I'm kinda anti men today too. lol

I decided I'm going to tell him about it with a firm warning that if I catch him doing anything like that now, (and I will I've got booby-traps all over this thing if I want to use em') he will be skidded out of here so fast he won't be able to formulate a lie. No questions asked. He knows that from the last time. I can put up with a lot of stuff from him but that crosses the line. Virtual cheating I call it, and it's just as bad to me as the real thing. He can go find his little friends if that's what he wants cuz I won't touch him with a 10 foot pole.

I got angrier as the day went on if you can't tell. lol

Shel

ME TOO!! although maybe it is best to be honest........take care and Good Luck!