How should I respond? (and I sound completely insane-sorry)
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How should I respond? (and I sound completely insane-sorry)
I'm hurt and angry. I cry so much it's ridiculous and I'm not a crier. I've been trying to avoid conversations with him because Sunday showed me I can't even let him ramble on about whatever because he will eventually try to pick a fight. I know I've kind of pulled away but I just need some space.(maybe pulling away is wrong IDK) I feel like I'm falling apart and I need to get myself together. I've been sleeping on the couch or in one of the boys' room if they aren't there. I try to stay away from the house and if I have to be there I find something to "clean". When I shut him out it drives him crazy. I know this but I need to sort things out. I cannot be this emotionally unstable. I have kids to think about.
I always used to tell AH "of course your drinking isn't a problem for you, you don't have to deal with you when you are drinking" So I guess he truly doesn't get why I'm upset.
I just got this text:
"are you okay? I feel like you're mad at me."
IS HE EFFING SERIOUS?!!?? I don't think "mad" covers it. I'm really not sure what to say. I'm done talking about his drinking. I've told him how I feel. I've begged and pleaded I have taken him to the rehab center. I've taken him to the VA, I've given him lists of AA meetings. I have led him to the water over and over again. ALL of that was an exercise in futility!!!! How do I answer without starting a fight. I do not want to fight right now. I'm at my breaking point and if he tries to fight with me I can't promise he won't be my costar on an episode of Snapped. I've booked a hotel with my points a couple of hours away for this weekend. My kids are going out of town with my MIL and my dogs are staying at his aunt's house. I need to make it to the weekend.
I always used to tell AH "of course your drinking isn't a problem for you, you don't have to deal with you when you are drinking" So I guess he truly doesn't get why I'm upset.
I just got this text:
"are you okay? I feel like you're mad at me."
IS HE EFFING SERIOUS?!!?? I don't think "mad" covers it. I'm really not sure what to say. I'm done talking about his drinking. I've told him how I feel. I've begged and pleaded I have taken him to the rehab center. I've taken him to the VA, I've given him lists of AA meetings. I have led him to the water over and over again. ALL of that was an exercise in futility!!!! How do I answer without starting a fight. I do not want to fight right now. I'm at my breaking point and if he tries to fight with me I can't promise he won't be my costar on an episode of Snapped. I've booked a hotel with my points a couple of hours away for this weekend. My kids are going out of town with my MIL and my dogs are staying at his aunt's house. I need to make it to the weekend.
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don't answer.
just delete and move on.
you have to defuse things that trigger YOU. right now you are seeing and sensing everything as a "threat" of some sort and you are in "fight" mode. you gotta get yourself some distance from it all....anyway you can. which means dis-engaging with him.
go talk a walk, no phone. 15 minutes. or longer!
ps- i love snapped.
just delete and move on.
you have to defuse things that trigger YOU. right now you are seeing and sensing everything as a "threat" of some sort and you are in "fight" mode. you gotta get yourself some distance from it all....anyway you can. which means dis-engaging with him.
go talk a walk, no phone. 15 minutes. or longer!
ps- i love snapped.
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no he's at work and I'm at work. I just hate that he does that. Part of me feels like he's just wanting to start a fight. Because if I tell him what's wrong I will get a TON of excuses as to why it's okay to drink and he's not worried about his health at all. It will make me angry because I'm ridiculously emotional right now. I have zero intention of answering his text but the question will be repeated when I get home I'm sure.
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alwayscovering…..why not tell him the truth. something like--"I am too upset to have conversation with you, right now. I need some space, so, if you don't leave me alone and in peace...then I will have to leave the house."
Fortunately, your aunt lives across the street, so you could stay at her house and just to your house when it is time for bed. That should work for three more days....If the kids need you they can reach you at your aunt's house...…
Does that sound workable....?
Nothing changes, if nothing changes...and, you will have to be the one to bring change...because it doesn't seem like he is going to....he sounds like he is still wraapped up pretty tight in his denial.....
Do not JADE. No point in it.
***I don't know about you, but there are certain times of the month that I can be more emotional than usual...If you get my drift…..
Fortunately, your aunt lives across the street, so you could stay at her house and just to your house when it is time for bed. That should work for three more days....If the kids need you they can reach you at your aunt's house...…
Does that sound workable....?
Nothing changes, if nothing changes...and, you will have to be the one to bring change...because it doesn't seem like he is going to....he sounds like he is still wraapped up pretty tight in his denial.....
Do not JADE. No point in it.
***I don't know about you, but there are certain times of the month that I can be more emotional than usual...If you get my drift…..
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LOL yea that time has already passed. It's what happens to me when I hold things in for too long. My emotions will come out one way or another. My parents have always joked that you will always know where you stand with me because I will tell you. I have never been able to keep my feelings to myself.
I'm just going to not answer right now. He will ask me later and I will just tell him I don't want to talk about it right now. We've been together for more than 10 years he knows I have to get my head right or the confrontation won't be pretty.
I'm just going to not answer right now. He will ask me later and I will just tell him I don't want to talk about it right now. We've been together for more than 10 years he knows I have to get my head right or the confrontation won't be pretty.
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is there really anything left to "confront"?? he is not going to do what you want, be what you want, be who you want. he is not going to "get" you, read your mind, or suddenly change into someone else.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
is there really anything left to "confront"?? he is not going to do what you want, be what you want, be who you want. he is not going to "get" you, read your mind, or suddenly change into someone else.
And no there really isn't anything to say. I've said it. I doubt he hears it. I've done everything I can think of...it was all for nothing. I'm not neglecting my soul or sanity anymore. I'm going to get better and make sure my kids are okay and if we leave him behind, he gets left.
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Hi, alwayscovering.
Deep breath, yeah?
It sounds like you are done with the drinking, but still talking about it.
This opens the door to one sided conversations, justifying unjustifiable behavior, etc.
I can’t remember. Do you go to Al-Anon?
If not, could be helpful
If yes, learn from those who have been right where you are now.
Detaching is hard, esp. if you are not leaving the marriage.
Good luck. Good thoughts.
Deep breath, yeah?
It sounds like you are done with the drinking, but still talking about it.
This opens the door to one sided conversations, justifying unjustifiable behavior, etc.
I can’t remember. Do you go to Al-Anon?
If not, could be helpful
If yes, learn from those who have been right where you are now.
Detaching is hard, esp. if you are not leaving the marriage.
Good luck. Good thoughts.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Hi, alwayscovering.
Deep breath, yeah?
It sounds like you are done with the drinking, but still talking about it.
This opens the door to one sided conversations, justifying unjustifiable behavior, etc.
I can’t remember. Do you go to Al-Anon?
If not, could be helpful
If yes, learn from those who have been right where you are now.
Detaching is hard, esp. if you are not leaving the marriage.
Good luck. Good thoughts.
Deep breath, yeah?
It sounds like you are done with the drinking, but still talking about it.
This opens the door to one sided conversations, justifying unjustifiable behavior, etc.
I can’t remember. Do you go to Al-Anon?
If not, could be helpful
If yes, learn from those who have been right where you are now.
Detaching is hard, esp. if you are not leaving the marriage.
Good luck. Good thoughts.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
He might be oblivious on this but that doesn't matter. He knows his drinking negatively affects you, you've told him. He might be trying to pick a fight, that sounds like a norm with him, and it's certainly a familiar story here.
I agree - telling him you don't want to talk and need space is a perfectly acceptable answer no matter his reasoning for asking you.
I agree - telling him you don't want to talk and need space is a perfectly acceptable answer no matter his reasoning for asking you.
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alwayscovering…...He knows....deep, deep down, he knows. But, if he is not ready to face his alcoholism and do something about it...he will use every defense mechanism to keep the spotlight off of himself....He will deflect onto you by using blame and criticism....he will rationalize everything in his favor....He will deny any alcohol related problems....
these are very common alcoholic behaviors...(you can read about them in the 100 articles)…..
To your non-alcoholic mind....you probably cannot wrap your head around that which seems illogical to you....but, it all does make sense in his alcoholic mind...because it allows him to stay in the protection of denial...it helps him to continue to protect his ability to drink....To him....asking him to give up alcohol is like asking a fish to give up water....
You will never understand what that feels like...because you are not an alcoholic.....
Like Anvil said....don't expect him to "get you"....as he is under the control of his disease, at this time.
You will drive yourself crazy if you try to get him to see reason, your way....
Best to accept that this is the way he is....and proceed to protect your own welfare...and, do whatever it takes for you to get some peace of mind...…
If he ever changes, the responsibility to do so is on his shoulders....either he will, or he won't......You can't control him...you have tried, haven't you...?
Remember the 3 Cs!.
these are very common alcoholic behaviors...(you can read about them in the 100 articles)…..
To your non-alcoholic mind....you probably cannot wrap your head around that which seems illogical to you....but, it all does make sense in his alcoholic mind...because it allows him to stay in the protection of denial...it helps him to continue to protect his ability to drink....To him....asking him to give up alcohol is like asking a fish to give up water....
You will never understand what that feels like...because you are not an alcoholic.....
Like Anvil said....don't expect him to "get you"....as he is under the control of his disease, at this time.
You will drive yourself crazy if you try to get him to see reason, your way....
Best to accept that this is the way he is....and proceed to protect your own welfare...and, do whatever it takes for you to get some peace of mind...…
If he ever changes, the responsibility to do so is on his shoulders....either he will, or he won't......You can't control him...you have tried, haven't you...?
Remember the 3 Cs!.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
alwayscovering…..
You can't control him...you have tried, haven't you...?
Remember the 3 Cs!.
You can't control him...you have tried, haven't you...?
Remember the 3 Cs!.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 128
I often think, if I just word it differently, if I just say it again he’ll hear it in a different way, etc. As soon as my mind starts having those thoughts I think, is this taking care of you? Simply honour and respect yourself. I also tell myself, “what would you do for a loved one if they were suffering like you are right now?” (Because, like most people, I don’t treat myself as well as I treat others)
Then I do that for me. I tell myself comforting words, I stop and think, what would I like to do right now for me?
When I take this path I realize that when I’m thinking about how to answer a text, or whatever else I’m deliberating with too much perseverance, it’s irrelevant. And it’s counterintuitive to taking care of me. And I said it already. What is the bigger picture? Protecting myself, my safety and sanity and my peace.
Then I do that for me. I tell myself comforting words, I stop and think, what would I like to do right now for me?
When I take this path I realize that when I’m thinking about how to answer a text, or whatever else I’m deliberating with too much perseverance, it’s irrelevant. And it’s counterintuitive to taking care of me. And I said it already. What is the bigger picture? Protecting myself, my safety and sanity and my peace.
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alwayscovering, I wasn't all that familiar with you story so I went back and read quite a few of your threads.
They go back two years and you have been married what now, 10 years?
You have received very good advice, from some very wise folks.
I actually understand, I think, where you are coming from. People advise you to detach, not to interact when he is drinking, try not to control the situation but in many cases you do the opposite. That's not a judgement by the way. What I see is someone who is not willing to change to fit this situation. There is nothing wrong with that, however the result is you beating your head against the wall.
As has been said, you cannot control this, so if you want to maintain some sanity the only way to do that is to detach emotionally. You haven't been willing to do that up to this point, I hope for your sake that working the steps will help with that.
You have asked, does he realize the affect his drinking has on your family. I think he does and doesn't. As Dandylion mentioned at some point deep down he knows but his denial is HUGE.
He doesn't want to quit drinking, that much is obvious he can take the heat so he just carries on.
You can't help him. If he ever decides to get help you can support him without actually participating in his recovery, that's about it.
In the meantime, perhaps it is time to look after yourself.
They go back two years and you have been married what now, 10 years?
You have received very good advice, from some very wise folks.
I actually understand, I think, where you are coming from. People advise you to detach, not to interact when he is drinking, try not to control the situation but in many cases you do the opposite. That's not a judgement by the way. What I see is someone who is not willing to change to fit this situation. There is nothing wrong with that, however the result is you beating your head against the wall.
As has been said, you cannot control this, so if you want to maintain some sanity the only way to do that is to detach emotionally. You haven't been willing to do that up to this point, I hope for your sake that working the steps will help with that.
You have asked, does he realize the affect his drinking has on your family. I think he does and doesn't. As Dandylion mentioned at some point deep down he knows but his denial is HUGE.
He doesn't want to quit drinking, that much is obvious he can take the heat so he just carries on.
You can't help him. If he ever decides to get help you can support him without actually participating in his recovery, that's about it.
In the meantime, perhaps it is time to look after yourself.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
alwayscovering, I wasn't all that familiar with you story so I went back and read quite a few of your threads.
They go back two years and you have been married what now, 10 years?
You have received very good advice, from some very wise folks.
I actually understand, I think, where you are coming from. People advise you to detach, not to interact when he is drinking, try not to control the situation but in many cases you do the opposite. That's not a judgement by the way. What I see is someone who is not willing to change to fit this situation. There is nothing wrong with that, however the result is you beating your head against the wall.
As has been said, you cannot control this, so if you want to maintain some sanity the only way to do that is to detach emotionally. You haven't been willing to do that up to this point, I hope for your sake that working the steps will help with that.
You have asked, does he realize the affect his drinking has on your family. I think he does and doesn't. As Dandylion mentioned at some point deep down he knows but his denial is HUGE.
He doesn't want to quit drinking, that much is obvious he can take the heat so he just carries on.
You can't help him. If he ever decides to get help you can support him without actually participating in his recovery, that's about it.
In the meantime, perhaps it is time to look after yourself.
They go back two years and you have been married what now, 10 years?
You have received very good advice, from some very wise folks.
I actually understand, I think, where you are coming from. People advise you to detach, not to interact when he is drinking, try not to control the situation but in many cases you do the opposite. That's not a judgement by the way. What I see is someone who is not willing to change to fit this situation. There is nothing wrong with that, however the result is you beating your head against the wall.
As has been said, you cannot control this, so if you want to maintain some sanity the only way to do that is to detach emotionally. You haven't been willing to do that up to this point, I hope for your sake that working the steps will help with that.
You have asked, does he realize the affect his drinking has on your family. I think he does and doesn't. As Dandylion mentioned at some point deep down he knows but his denial is HUGE.
He doesn't want to quit drinking, that much is obvious he can take the heat so he just carries on.
You can't help him. If he ever decides to get help you can support him without actually participating in his recovery, that's about it.
In the meantime, perhaps it is time to look after yourself.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Is he that oblivious or is he trying to start a fight with me?
No to being oblivious and yes to wanting a fight. He's an alcoholic. That's what they do. It's been working for him. Nothing gets in the way of their drinking. Nothing. So if they have to be sweet as pie, bring you a coffee, and mow the lawn,so they feel like they can drink they will. If picking a fight with us gets them a feeling of justification for their next drink, they will pick that fight. It's not at all about YOU for him.
We are players in their drama and on their stage until we disengage, step off, and stop playing along.
No it is not easy! Because we non-As, naturally, apply the normal rules and logic of human love and relationships and behavior. But who/what you are dealing with is NOT normal.
Keep your brain sane! Trust those intuitions, that small voice. Do what is BEST for you and your children with confidence. Keep asking for and accepting help from people who "get" it. One day at a time. You are not crazy! ENJOY that hotel peace time!!
Peace,
B.
No to being oblivious and yes to wanting a fight. He's an alcoholic. That's what they do. It's been working for him. Nothing gets in the way of their drinking. Nothing. So if they have to be sweet as pie, bring you a coffee, and mow the lawn,so they feel like they can drink they will. If picking a fight with us gets them a feeling of justification for their next drink, they will pick that fight. It's not at all about YOU for him.
We are players in their drama and on their stage until we disengage, step off, and stop playing along.
No it is not easy! Because we non-As, naturally, apply the normal rules and logic of human love and relationships and behavior. But who/what you are dealing with is NOT normal.
Keep your brain sane! Trust those intuitions, that small voice. Do what is BEST for you and your children with confidence. Keep asking for and accepting help from people who "get" it. One day at a time. You are not crazy! ENJOY that hotel peace time!!
Peace,
B.
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Originally Posted by Bernadette
Is he that oblivious or is he trying to start a fight with me?
No to being oblivious and yes to wanting a fight. He's an alcoholic. That's what they do. It's been working for him. Nothing gets in the way of their drinking. Nothing. So if they have to be sweet as pie, bring you a coffee, and mow the lawn,so they feel like they can drink they will. If picking a fight with us gets them a feeling of justification for their next drink, they will pick that fight. It's not at all about YOU for him.
B.
No to being oblivious and yes to wanting a fight. He's an alcoholic. That's what they do. It's been working for him. Nothing gets in the way of their drinking. Nothing. So if they have to be sweet as pie, bring you a coffee, and mow the lawn,so they feel like they can drink they will. If picking a fight with us gets them a feeling of justification for their next drink, they will pick that fight. It's not at all about YOU for him.
B.
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