Glenjo99

Hi. This is a long story, but I'd appreciate some feedback from people who can relatevor give me feedback. My best friend and I had been planning my coming to see him in the UK for the last few months. Since January we have planned it, talked on phone every day, texted and planned what we would do down to last detail, both really excited. He is an alcoholic, and had been sober for a few months, but I was very supportive with his recovery, supporting him attending his as meetings and other services he attended. Loved hearing about how he was doing. So June came and I went over to UK to visit him, he still lives at home with parents and they had just gone abroad for a holiday so he was free. He decided to start drinking from the moment I arrived and continued for the following 3/4 days. He also got hold of cocaine and took it. I tried to get him to contact his sponsor and other services but to no avail. In fact by the third day, he turned abusive on me. He said I was being miserable but I was actually just worn out with worry. He get supremely controlling, wanting to know how who I was texting, got abusive verbally, and paranoid beyond belief. It got to point where I felt he might get physically abusive so I left the house. He said if I left not to come back and our friendship was over, but I did anyway for everyone's sake. I stayed in a hotel that night. I texted him the next day to see if he was ok, and he told me not to message him again, that he had tried to commit suicide because I left and I had opened up a whole can of worms now. I tried to explain why I left so he rang me. He was still getting angry and told me it was my fault and I shouldn't have left. It ended by him telling me to go f%$k myself. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I returned home the next day got an early flight. His mum rang me and wanted to hear what happened from my side of story. I explained and she told me he has been admitted to rehab now for 28 days. That was 3 weeks ago. I have heard from her few days ago and she said he is doing really well and has decided to extend the stay in rehab to 6 weeks. I am so glad he is doing great and in the right place. The issue for me now is, I have never been in this situation before. He has his phone for a few hours in the evening apparently but I haven't heard from him. I know he has to focus on his recovery now, and is in the best place but I'm struggling to cope without our usual conversations, texts etc. I miss him so much, he used to ring 5 or 6 times a day and text a lot too. Then it was stopped dead once he went into rehab. Not only stopped dead but stopped after a traumic few days of him relapsing which was hard to watch. I have googled a lot in the last while, and have started to see that we may have been codependent in some ways but it was enjoyable, I liked hearing from him that much. Its something I'm looking at now through personal therapy and going to all anon. So I suppose I'm wondering, is this normal to be so devasted? The lack of contact, and being able to talk about what happened is so hard. Would he be advised not to contact me? I am one of His best friends, not a big drinker and really supportive to his recovery. I'm trying so hard to take a step back and be chilled but its so hard. Any advice please, should I message him and let him know I'm still here to support him or wait until he's out, or just wait to hear from him? All advice welcome, thanks in advance.

SparkleKitty

He needs space right now to sort himself out, and is not gong to have the means to have a relationship with you for some time. It was likely not a coincidence that your visit and his relapse (if that is what it was) happened at the same time—not that it was your fvisit that caused it, but that it was what he used for an excuse.

In the meantime, you might do well to educate yourself about addiction, and to ask yourself what about you seeks a continued relationship with this person—who, addiction or no, treated you quite disrespectfully and abusively during your transcontinental visit.

tomsteve

glad youre here Glenjo.

its a wee bit early here for me so not thinking widely awake, but this statement has me thinking something is rather disfunctional:
have started to see that we may have been codependent in some ways but it was enjoyable,

Glenjo99

I hear what your saying Tom, I suppose I meant the contact was enjoyable. Putting a label of codependent on it might or might not be correct butbim not an expert

Grungehead

Your thinking just fine TS. Glenjo you wrote out an entire laundry list of the different ways he abused you and treated you badly, then you finish up by saying how much you miss him. I think you're onto something when you identified that you "may be" codependent in some ways.

Glenjo99

Yes I did a list of that experience, but there have been many many good times, conversations, laughs and experiences that I have not mentioned over the last years and months too.

Mango212

Traumatic bonding can give a "high" or just a really good feel to every day things.

I found that many of the really good times I thought I experienced were actually just ordinary stuff. Now I'm seeing total strangers often treat me better.

Recovery and healing is a journey. A really good one, even with digging into what makes me tick.

Dee74

Hi and welcome GlenJo

I've found out there's no way to make people behave the way we want them to

For now, for whatever reason, seems your friend wants no contact and I think you have to respect that however painful or unfair it might seem?

I';d recommend Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More.

I didn't consider myself codependent at all but that book was an eye opener for me. It's pretty popular, may even be in your local library

D

Stayingsassy

I think you'll need to find a way to let it go. In the immediate sense there is nothing for you to do about this anyway because he's in rehab, and when he gets out maybe you should decide for yourself if this is what's best for you. Think about yourself and your own needs, take the focus off him.

Also, what do you mean by abusive? If there was any physical abuse even while under the influence, you need to end it now because that always gets worse and drinking is no excuse for it.

Take care of yourself and work on making new friends for the time being. I know how hard it is but do the best you can to be good to yourself.

teatreeoil007

Sorry for what you're going through. You've in your own words said he was being abusive. In my mind that's not debatable and you need to be out of an abusive relationship. Sure, there have been good times....always are....but abuse is abuse. Maybe look at him wanting no contact as a blessing. I know it's hard because there are parts of him you love. But you don't deserve to be abused. Period. In answer to you question, yes it gets into co-dependent territory when we put up with mistreatment and find ways around it like remembering the good things. But, abuse outweighs the good. It really does....