I just want ONE.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 9
I just want ONE.
One to take the edge off.
One to help the aching in my guts and in my head.
One for this incessant itching that is driving me insane.
Just one to insulate me from this isolation that is really starting to set in.
But if I go to the bar, I will have to have more than one. Because they mix them so thin. Because there will be someone there that I know, and they will buy a round. And if I gonto the bar, ‘Just one more’ will turn into closing the bar down and taking another chance driving home drunk.
If I go to the liquor store... Well, try to buy just one at the liquor store. Sure, I might be able to grab a couple of little mickeys of whiskey to mix with a Coke. Sure I could. What is more likely to happen is that I’ll look at that great big wall of whiskey and think ‘I can start over in a few days.’
It is day 7 now and I hate everything. I am still in physical pain, the itching is getting worse, I feel completely isolated from everyone and I am angry. Every time someone says ‘I know you can do this’ or ‘Look at what you made it through before’ or any variation, it just makes me angrier.
I want to talk to my friends, I want the things they say to help me feel better. But they all say the same things and it all feels like a dismissal.
I just want one so I can feel halfway normal again.
One to help the aching in my guts and in my head.
One for this incessant itching that is driving me insane.
Just one to insulate me from this isolation that is really starting to set in.
But if I go to the bar, I will have to have more than one. Because they mix them so thin. Because there will be someone there that I know, and they will buy a round. And if I gonto the bar, ‘Just one more’ will turn into closing the bar down and taking another chance driving home drunk.
If I go to the liquor store... Well, try to buy just one at the liquor store. Sure, I might be able to grab a couple of little mickeys of whiskey to mix with a Coke. Sure I could. What is more likely to happen is that I’ll look at that great big wall of whiskey and think ‘I can start over in a few days.’
It is day 7 now and I hate everything. I am still in physical pain, the itching is getting worse, I feel completely isolated from everyone and I am angry. Every time someone says ‘I know you can do this’ or ‘Look at what you made it through before’ or any variation, it just makes me angrier.
I want to talk to my friends, I want the things they say to help me feel better. But they all say the same things and it all feels like a dismissal.
I just want one so I can feel halfway normal again.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
You're going to feel bad cause you're just finishing up with the physical withdrawal. It gets better, I promise, but if you drink again, even just one, it starts over again. 
Distract yourself. Make a list of all the negative things about drinking. Eat something. This will pass.
Just don't drink!
Distract yourself. Make a list of all the negative things about drinking. Eat something. This will pass.
Just don't drink!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by least 
You're going to feel bad cause you're just finishing up with the physical withdrawal. It gets better, I promise, but if you drink again, even just one, it starts over again.
Distract yourself. Make a list of all the negative things about drinking. Eat something. This will pass. Just don't drink!
Distract yourself. Make a list of all the negative things about drinking. Eat something. This will pass.
Just don't drink!Just think, after you make it through this stage... you never have to go through that again.
That’s what helps me not drink, if I drink, even one I’ll be back at one. And I know I’ll withdrawal. So for me to completely avoid withdrawal, I don’t drink.
You got this, you’re not alone.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,368
I look bacjk and I was in pretty bad shaoe for a month - to me that wasn;t so bad seeing as I drank for 20 years. Naturally I hope you'll feel better than a month, but it all takes time.
As for just one...I always thought it was the last drink that did for me - 'if only I'd stopped before that last drink'.
The fact ism the first one started the madness. If I don;t have the first one, the there's no problem
Hope you feel better soon
D
As for just one...I always thought it was the last drink that did for me - 'if only I'd stopped before that last drink'.
The fact ism the first one started the madness. If I don;t have the first one, the there's no problem
Hope you feel better soon
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
I just want one, too. But, I've never had just one in my life and never intend to because I know where it will lead me. More fear, more withdrawal more anxiety.
You're very self aware. Three's nothing I can tell that you don't already know as you've stated so succinctly above.
But, take my word for it, I went ten years trying to have just one. I was off my face every time. A broken person again back to the withdrawal, self loathing fear and guilt.
My advice, don't do it.
You're very self aware. Three's nothing I can tell that you don't already know as you've stated so succinctly above.
But, take my word for it, I went ten years trying to have just one. I was off my face every time. A broken person again back to the withdrawal, self loathing fear and guilt.
My advice, don't do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 9
Today has been bad all day.
I called off sick from work because I couldn’t get out of bed. Drinking never affected my ability to show up at work like not drinking has. 2 days last week and then today. My Dispatcher knows what’s going on right now as well as my manager. Hopefully drying out doesn’t cost me what drinking never did.
Tomorrow is Independence Day. I like sort of poetic flavor it adds to this.
Hopefully tomorrow is the day things turn around and start working themselves back towards even.
I called off sick from work because I couldn’t get out of bed. Drinking never affected my ability to show up at work like not drinking has. 2 days last week and then today. My Dispatcher knows what’s going on right now as well as my manager. Hopefully drying out doesn’t cost me what drinking never did.
Tomorrow is Independence Day. I like sort of poetic flavor it adds to this.
Hopefully tomorrow is the day things turn around and start working themselves back towards even.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Well done for taking care of yourself.
I found HALT a really useful reminder for early sobriety. When I started to feel terrible (in the truest sense of the word) I'd check. H - Hungry? (Have I eaten something sustaining in the last few hours? If not, eat. Even if I don't feel hungry. At that point my feelings weren't very good indicators of anything). A - Angry. Am I feeling angry or irritable? If so, I knew I needed (not wanted, but needed) to talk to someone about it. L - Lonely. I'd check if I'd been isolating. If so, even if I didn't want to face other people, I knew that was what I needed. (Ì heard someone say that they think the opposite to addiction is connection, I'm still mulling on that one, but I do think it's true that my own addiction loves to keep me seperate, because then noone could help me to see through the crazy rationalisations that it tried to feed me - things like "Well, recovery is worse for your career than drinking ever was." You know the kinda thing I reckon. For a humorous intro to the wiles of the AV you could do worse than listening to Mickey Bush talking about steps 1-3. He's a little crazy for some, but what he said really helped me get through the first months. If you can't face normal public at the moment, the option of a meeting is always there. The folks you'd meet would all remember exactly how it feels where you are now, and can share their experiences, strength and hope with you, and its that powerful stuff that helped me to not listen to my alcoholic head telling me that drinking would be the same and rational thing to do. T - Tired. Rest up. We need more rest in early sobriety. (But rest isn't the same as isolating).
You know. I don't think anyone here with long term sobriety would say that the early days were plain sailing. BUT, what they did say to me, and it proved true, is that what it's like in early days is transient. It passes. It is not a true indicator of what long term sobriety is like. When I go to AA meetings that have a lot of people with long term healthy sobriety it is a joy, because there is a lot of laughter. A lot of joy. And the laughter and joy is in their eyes as well as on their lips. Those are the folk who I looked at and thought 'I want what they've got.' And slowly they've taught me and helped me to change my alcoholic thinking. But before they could do that, I needed to stop the alcoholic drinking and want to change.
It might help you to do a list of how alcohol DID affect various areas of your life, so you can read that list through when that AV pipes up with bullpoop about sobriety being worse for you than drinking was. Areas such as financial, the state of your home, your relationships, your ability to be responsible, your health, ways you may have broken the law, or been temoted to, etc.
Anyway. Stick with it. I always loved instant gratification, and getting sober didn't offer me that. I had to look towards what I needed long term and accept that this was going to be delayed gratification. That can be hard, but if I could do it I'm betting you can as well.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.
BB
Ps here's a link to one of Mickey Bush's talks on recovery audio ....
https://www.recoveryaudio.org/aa-spe...key-b-19951103
There are also some of his recordings on YouTube. Here's one ....
https://youtu.be/MJXNmvDvXn4 There are plenty of others as well.
I found HALT a really useful reminder for early sobriety. When I started to feel terrible (in the truest sense of the word) I'd check. H - Hungry? (Have I eaten something sustaining in the last few hours? If not, eat. Even if I don't feel hungry. At that point my feelings weren't very good indicators of anything). A - Angry. Am I feeling angry or irritable? If so, I knew I needed (not wanted, but needed) to talk to someone about it. L - Lonely. I'd check if I'd been isolating. If so, even if I didn't want to face other people, I knew that was what I needed. (Ì heard someone say that they think the opposite to addiction is connection, I'm still mulling on that one, but I do think it's true that my own addiction loves to keep me seperate, because then noone could help me to see through the crazy rationalisations that it tried to feed me - things like "Well, recovery is worse for your career than drinking ever was." You know the kinda thing I reckon. For a humorous intro to the wiles of the AV you could do worse than listening to Mickey Bush talking about steps 1-3. He's a little crazy for some, but what he said really helped me get through the first months. If you can't face normal public at the moment, the option of a meeting is always there. The folks you'd meet would all remember exactly how it feels where you are now, and can share their experiences, strength and hope with you, and its that powerful stuff that helped me to not listen to my alcoholic head telling me that drinking would be the same and rational thing to do. T - Tired. Rest up. We need more rest in early sobriety. (But rest isn't the same as isolating).
You know. I don't think anyone here with long term sobriety would say that the early days were plain sailing. BUT, what they did say to me, and it proved true, is that what it's like in early days is transient. It passes. It is not a true indicator of what long term sobriety is like. When I go to AA meetings that have a lot of people with long term healthy sobriety it is a joy, because there is a lot of laughter. A lot of joy. And the laughter and joy is in their eyes as well as on their lips. Those are the folk who I looked at and thought 'I want what they've got.' And slowly they've taught me and helped me to change my alcoholic thinking. But before they could do that, I needed to stop the alcoholic drinking and want to change.
It might help you to do a list of how alcohol DID affect various areas of your life, so you can read that list through when that AV pipes up with bullpoop about sobriety being worse for you than drinking was. Areas such as financial, the state of your home, your relationships, your ability to be responsible, your health, ways you may have broken the law, or been temoted to, etc.
Anyway. Stick with it. I always loved instant gratification, and getting sober didn't offer me that. I had to look towards what I needed long term and accept that this was going to be delayed gratification. That can be hard, but if I could do it I'm betting you can as well.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.
BB
Ps here's a link to one of Mickey Bush's talks on recovery audio ....
https://www.recoveryaudio.org/aa-spe...key-b-19951103
There are also some of his recordings on YouTube. Here's one ....
https://youtu.be/MJXNmvDvXn4 There are plenty of others as well.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
I was very tired and anxious when I first got sober, but my body readjusted, and I felt better than I had since I was a teenager. I treat recovery as a way to be physically and emotionally healthy, so mindfulness, and exercise have been big parts of my plan. If you are feeling bad try getting outdoors and just going for a walk, something about nature helps.
Sobriety is so worth the first days/weeks of feeling like you do. One thing that really worked for me in the beginning was playing the tape through. The idea of waking up back to Day One, and feeling awful was enough to keep me away from alcohol. I now have two and a half years sober, and no longer think about drinking, it just isn't something I do, which is pretty awesome in itself.
Hang in there, you've got this.
Sobriety is so worth the first days/weeks of feeling like you do. One thing that really worked for me in the beginning was playing the tape through. The idea of waking up back to Day One, and feeling awful was enough to keep me away from alcohol. I now have two and a half years sober, and no longer think about drinking, it just isn't something I do, which is pretty awesome in itself.
Hang in there, you've got this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: Brit in New Zealand
Posts: 160
The first few days I kept thinking "just one won't hurt will it?" I just had to remind myself that it will, oh yes it will.
Denial is not just a river in Egypt. Denial kept me from postponing getting sober for a good five years longer than I should have and it would have saved a lot of painful and embarrassing incidents.
Hang in there
Denial is not just a river in Egypt. Denial kept me from postponing getting sober for a good five years longer than I should have and it would have saved a lot of painful and embarrassing incidents.
Hang in there
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by illNsickly
... it just makes me angrier.
Then I stopped letting it be in charge of my emotions. It wasn't doing a very good job, so I fired it and took responsibility for my own emotions.
Now I am not angry as often.
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Berrybean said it very well, as usual.
I went through hella rough stuff for awhile. I was VERY sick when I quit (cold turkey) and .... then I realized what a gift that suffering was. First, bc even for the months, up to a year and a little more for some things (see PAWS - www.digitaldharma.net) that I went through, it was a tiny price to pay for the years' of damage I'd done, and also far better than what I would undoubtedly have found if I hadn't quit. Also....seared in my brain, that process is an amazing reminder of how lucky I am that I went through it and made it to the other side as healthy as I am.
Like someone said, the only way to find out what sobriety- then recovery- has in store for us is to keep from drinking. You can do this.
I went through hella rough stuff for awhile. I was VERY sick when I quit (cold turkey) and .... then I realized what a gift that suffering was. First, bc even for the months, up to a year and a little more for some things (see PAWS - www.digitaldharma.net) that I went through, it was a tiny price to pay for the years' of damage I'd done, and also far better than what I would undoubtedly have found if I hadn't quit. Also....seared in my brain, that process is an amazing reminder of how lucky I am that I went through it and made it to the other side as healthy as I am.
Like someone said, the only way to find out what sobriety- then recovery- has in store for us is to keep from drinking. You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by illNsickly
Today has been bad all day.
I called off sick from work because I couldn’t get out of bed. Drinking never affected my ability to show up at work like not drinking has. 2 days last week and then today. My Dispatcher knows what’s going on right now as well as my manager. Hopefully drying out doesn’t cost me what drinking never did.
Tomorrow is Independence Day. I like sort of poetic flavor it adds to this.
Hopefully tomorrow is the day things turn around and start working themselves back towards even.
I called off sick from work because I couldn’t get out of bed. Drinking never affected my ability to show up at work like not drinking has. 2 days last week and then today. My Dispatcher knows what’s going on right now as well as my manager. Hopefully drying out doesn’t cost me what drinking never did.
Tomorrow is Independence Day. I like sort of poetic flavor it adds to this.
Hopefully tomorrow is the day things turn around and start working themselves back towards even.
You feel this way BECAUSE of the drinking, because of the abuse you heaped on your body and your body mostly needs tons and tons of rest now. for a month or THREE so make the commitment and settle in.
Calling off work now because you are healing is FINE. You are still sick so you needed to.
Yes we had tons of energy drinking that is a fact. We ran on alcohol like a car runs on gasoline. We ran on the by products of alcohol metabolism, acetaldehyde and acetate. You are now running on food and your body is working on getting fuel a new way which is a slow process so let the process happen.
Your body took a hit with alcohol, your liver, your kidneys, your heart and brain are inflamed. There is inflammation as there is after surgery, injury or illness. Your body needs to SLEEP and you are slowed down for awhile.
Strap in, relax, breathe, and wait out the tough stuff. there's no turning back now. Drinking non-stop isn't sustainable and you will crash, financially, physically, cognitively. Just be patient and continue.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by illNsickly
Well, 9 days in and my girlfriend, also the mother of our 2 month old, said....
We just need to take a break while you get this figured out.
Hooray for support.
We just need to take a break while you get this figured out.
Hooray for support.
I remember being hurt that my partner and friends didnt support me to get well more. Thing is though, they didnt know HOW to help. And there was no reason why they should. And i was cranky and foul tempered, not to mention being a nagativity sprinkler. There is nothing that can prepare our loved ones for helping us through this, and staying away from us is sometimes just a desperate bid to keep their own sanity. And I imagine looking after a 2 month old is pretty exhausting as well.
There were people who could help me though, and I found them ready and willing. There are the same kind of people there who can support you if you want it.
BB
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
"People energized by alcohol are genetically predisposed to drink more heavily."
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...ked-alcoholism
Basically what the article says is that some people have a "hyperactive dopamine response" to alcohol which tends to energize them instead of feeling the sedative effects of alcohol. These people are genetically more predisposed to drink more heavily and are at higher risk of becoming alcoholics.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...ked-alcoholism
Basically what the article says is that some people have a "hyperactive dopamine response" to alcohol which tends to energize them instead of feeling the sedative effects of alcohol. These people are genetically more predisposed to drink more heavily and are at higher risk of becoming alcoholics.
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