Osu2002

I am pretty new here, posted a few times recently. Quick recap, after long stretches of not drinking, mainly in response to my wife getting upset, I slowly slipped back. The weekend before last, I got drunk, fessed up, and admitted that there had been a few times I drank behind her back. This time felt different as I knew it was a problem, was growing, and I couldn’t take action until this confrontation ended in separation, and very possibly divorce. I am torn up inside and don’t want to push her, and I know she needs space, but I have a really hard time not trying but it’s torture not knowing. I take full responsibility for breaking her trust, I really don’t have a leg to stand on. Oh, and we have a 5 yo girl, luckily she has been great about letting me have time with her this past week. I know it’s only been a week, and I need to be patient and accept what comes, but I am really struggling right now.

The good. Over the past week, met with my doctor, met with a therapist, and have gone to 3 AA meetings, which I really enjoyed to my surprise. I took these actions knowing regardless of my wife’s decision, I need to do this for myself, this is not something I can control. I find some odd peace in that...

I have not had a drink in 7 days, although I was not an everyday drinker, I still want to remember these days going forward. I have worked on a plan for ongoing sobriety and accept it will need to adjust as time goes by.

Thanks for letting me vent, I just had to write some of this down and get it out of my head.

ScottFromWI

Sounds like you are doing a lot of good things Osu2002, and it sounds like it's paying off already with your wife and your daughter. 7 days is a great accomplishment, but remember that it's very very early in recovery. And the damage we have done to others is not going to be undone in a week unfortunately. Think about it from her perspective for a minute and how you would feel if the roles were reversed.

That's of course not to say that things cannot improve over time, if you keep doing all the things you are doing they will definitely pay off. Actions speak far louder than words or apologies when it comes to getting sober. And if you keep working in AA you will get to the point of making amends as part of the program too.

My personal experience when I quit drinking was somewhat similar to yours. I have 3 children and at the time they were all between the ages of 5 and 10. I did a lot of lying and hiding things from my wife, and she had very little trust left at all. I would say that our relationship is far better now than it ever was, mostly because I was pretty much a daily drinker for the entire duration of our marriage. I think it probably took at least a full year before she started trusting me overall - whether I had to leave town for work or even if i was late coming home from work for some reason. But that's because I had lied so much about my drinking ( and other things ) for literally decades that I had to prove I was serious. And I did - and so can you!

Osu2002

Thanks ScottfromWi, that means a lot to me. To your point about seeing it from their point of view, that is exactly what really has me down, but I think it’s very important for me to understand. Selfishly, I pray that we can move forward together or just pull the band aid and split. But I know what the answer will be with everything so fresh.

More importantly, regarding my sobriety, I really do worry about when I can feel like I have hit a “milestone”. It was not uncommon not to have a drink for more than a week to months sometimes, but once it got rolling I could hit 3-4 days in a row and really have a hard time stopping, I could literally feel the brakes failing. I feel like now is the time for the structure to get through the good and the bad, since I clearly have not seen it coming. Going to keep working.

Thanks again, your response really helped

lessgravity

Osu - I've been there, with the lying and hiding and the shame and the hurt, angry wife. It's a place you can move from and heal from and make better.

But it takes time, work and discipline. Like you, I have a young kid, and now a newborn. If there is anything, you have to do it for them.

peacefulintent

Hi OSU
Remember that your actions, not your words, are what counts. Keep up doing the right thing, for yourself and your family.
There is nothing worse for me than when my husband drinks to excess and tries to hide or minimize it. I believe that for an alcoholic, there is no middle ground. Get rid of the alcohol for good (actions here) and your life will improve.
Trust has been damaged but actions can help repair that damage.
I tell myself all the time that I no longer drink. That is in my past and alcohol will not ever be in my future. It's been 19 months after 40 years of drinking. I was a very slow learner. Don't waste another day drinking.
Try and stay positive. Do what you know in your heart needs to happen.

Osu2002

Thank you for the replies.

I am actually kind of mad at myself now for all the pity, and I appreciate all the kind words, advice, and experiences. I have a higher position in an very analytical field, so I struggle with accepting what I can control (wife’s decision). But I can control my sobriety, be an even better dad, and person. That may have sounded like “Daily Affirmations” from SNL, but it really makes me feel better.

entropy1964

I know exactly what you are feeling. I was in a similar situation (not married however) with a man. I was too emotionally immature to just accept that I had to give him space. And he decided how much space that would be, not me. Oh man, it drove me bonkers. And I've seen this with so many of other addicts....I basically blew the whole thing up because I simply couldn't focus on my own shlit. Looking back on it that was the best thing I could have done...he was not right for me. But I wish I had the maturity to just slow my roll and own my part.

The fact that you recognize this is huge....and will be a coping strategy that will serve you well. Now stick to your guns and hopefully things will work out in time.