daughter here needing advice for addict mom
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2
daughter here needing advice for addict mom
new here and looking for some advice. to make a very LONG story shorter:
I am now grown and have my own family but still the daughter of an addict. my mom was addicted to cocaine and I was taken from her at a young age. she got clean and stayed clean for a good 10 years. our relationship was great, and I finally had a mother I could trust and loved spending time with. about 6 years ago she had some a run in with the law and ended up on probation and did some jail time ( I bailed her out with her own money) and I found out she dropped a dirty urine test which was positive for cocaine. I was so mad at her and wondered how she could do this to me again. she went on and continued to drug test, and somehow managed to get off probation (but I still think she somehow fooled the pee test). ever since then, her mood swings, aggression, anxiety, poor judgement, no common sense, always putting on a show in public, paranoia, and keeps odd hours which she all blames this on bipolar and doesn't take medication because she says it makes her feel funny. in my head I thought something was up and I have always kept the thought of her using cocaine in the back of my mind, but she always denies it and gets mad at me when I accuse her of it. so I never knew if she was telling the truth or lieing. I basically cut off all contact with her, and she would only call me in a state of panic or when she needed help. she lost everything including a place to live, she was living out of her car in 90 degree weather, getting bit up with bugs because she was sleeping with her car windows down. while this was going on it was killing me, I would think about her 24/7 and felt awful to the point where I wasn't sleeping and was constantly worried about her and it was affecting my life. after a whole summer of this, I ended up finding her a place to live (she is on a fixed income) and moved her in. she pays 75% of the rent, and I pay the other 25% per month. she has made every payment and has not missed a month. the reason I pay 25% is because her fixed income amount is so low, that it is extremely difficult to live off that amount. so it was me being nice. our relationship is still distant, and I only talk to her on occasion. but just knowing she had a place of her own and wasn't out on the streets was enough for me. i got my life back, and the stress lessened worrying about her. I still didn't know if she was using or not, I just knew her behavior was irradicatal. fast forward to today... I get a phone call saying she was picked up by police 2 days ago and she wanted me to bail her out and she would pay me back. I asked what she was in jail for and they couldn't tell me until she had her hearing tomorrow. I went and picked up her belongings, as im in the station I hear her yelling "don't tell her why im here" and in her belongings was a paper that stated her charges: 1) possession of cocaine 2) possession of narcotic equipment! bingo.... my suspicions were right. and I couldn't be more hurt. I told her in the past if I found out she was using, I would cut off all contact with her and our relationship would be over. she literally has no one else but me. I am very forgiving and have a heart. but what do I do? she could never afford her rent without my help. do I stop paying my portion? clearly she can afford cocaine. I wonder how long shes been doing this, and lieing to me. do I cut off contact with her? im not bailing her out, im not getting her car out of the impound, and im not paying a dime toward any court costs, fees, or drug testing for probation because I know all that is coming. part of me thinks this is a blessing in disguise. I seriously don't know what to do. im a wreck. I do care about her, but she has betrayed me so many times, and I always help her. she is using me. she doesn't care about me. everything is always about her and poor her. but then I read addicts need support and will use more if they have no family support
I am now grown and have my own family but still the daughter of an addict. my mom was addicted to cocaine and I was taken from her at a young age. she got clean and stayed clean for a good 10 years. our relationship was great, and I finally had a mother I could trust and loved spending time with. about 6 years ago she had some a run in with the law and ended up on probation and did some jail time ( I bailed her out with her own money) and I found out she dropped a dirty urine test which was positive for cocaine. I was so mad at her and wondered how she could do this to me again. she went on and continued to drug test, and somehow managed to get off probation (but I still think she somehow fooled the pee test). ever since then, her mood swings, aggression, anxiety, poor judgement, no common sense, always putting on a show in public, paranoia, and keeps odd hours which she all blames this on bipolar and doesn't take medication because she says it makes her feel funny. in my head I thought something was up and I have always kept the thought of her using cocaine in the back of my mind, but she always denies it and gets mad at me when I accuse her of it. so I never knew if she was telling the truth or lieing. I basically cut off all contact with her, and she would only call me in a state of panic or when she needed help. she lost everything including a place to live, she was living out of her car in 90 degree weather, getting bit up with bugs because she was sleeping with her car windows down. while this was going on it was killing me, I would think about her 24/7 and felt awful to the point where I wasn't sleeping and was constantly worried about her and it was affecting my life. after a whole summer of this, I ended up finding her a place to live (she is on a fixed income) and moved her in. she pays 75% of the rent, and I pay the other 25% per month. she has made every payment and has not missed a month. the reason I pay 25% is because her fixed income amount is so low, that it is extremely difficult to live off that amount. so it was me being nice. our relationship is still distant, and I only talk to her on occasion. but just knowing she had a place of her own and wasn't out on the streets was enough for me. i got my life back, and the stress lessened worrying about her. I still didn't know if she was using or not, I just knew her behavior was irradicatal. fast forward to today... I get a phone call saying she was picked up by police 2 days ago and she wanted me to bail her out and she would pay me back. I asked what she was in jail for and they couldn't tell me until she had her hearing tomorrow. I went and picked up her belongings, as im in the station I hear her yelling "don't tell her why im here" and in her belongings was a paper that stated her charges: 1) possession of cocaine 2) possession of narcotic equipment! bingo.... my suspicions were right. and I couldn't be more hurt. I told her in the past if I found out she was using, I would cut off all contact with her and our relationship would be over. she literally has no one else but me. I am very forgiving and have a heart. but what do I do? she could never afford her rent without my help. do I stop paying my portion? clearly she can afford cocaine. I wonder how long shes been doing this, and lieing to me. do I cut off contact with her? im not bailing her out, im not getting her car out of the impound, and im not paying a dime toward any court costs, fees, or drug testing for probation because I know all that is coming. part of me thinks this is a blessing in disguise. I seriously don't know what to do. im a wreck. I do care about her, but she has betrayed me so many times, and I always help her. she is using me. she doesn't care about me. everything is always about her and poor her. but then I read addicts need support and will use more if they have no family support
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
Hi enoughisenough - welcome 
those are tough questions but I know you'll find experience strength and hope here
I think it's always best never to lay down an ultimatum unless you're prepared to go through with it, and that might en something to consider this time if you ultimately decide to keep helping her with the rent or whatever.
I was a drinker and ultimately having to fix my own messes got me clean - but not immediately. I was very stubborn and deluded about my problem.
Have you considered NarAnon at all?
it can provide face to face support for the loved ones of addicts.
D
those are tough questions but I know you'll find experience strength and hope here
I think it's always best never to lay down an ultimatum unless you're prepared to go through with it, and that might en something to consider this time if you ultimately decide to keep helping her with the rent or whatever.
I was a drinker and ultimately having to fix my own messes got me clean - but not immediately. I was very stubborn and deluded about my problem.
Have you considered NarAnon at all?
it can provide face to face support for the loved ones of addicts.
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
Welcome, enoughisenough! Wow, you've been through a LOT in your quest to help your mother, and have continued to help her long past the point where others may have given up. I can completely relate to you feeling like you have to care for her, but at the same time, (I'm sure you know this), the decision to recover, or not, has to come from her. In this case, it seems like you have the right instincts to let the consequences play out, and maybe SHE will decide that enough is enough. In any case, unfortunately you can't allow her to drag you down with her. Nar-Anon seems like a really good option for you. 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Welcome,
I am so sorry for what brings you here.
I am an alcoholic, and an adult child of an alcoholic who is currently in active addiction.
I no longer speak to my Mother, she is not allowed contact with my son either who is her only grandchild, and I her only daughter.
I had to let her go, she is a huge trigger for me.
I will not allow my son around her as she is sick.
I do not contact her.
It took a couple months and I finally don't even think about her. She is living her life how she wants and that is none of my business.
I hope you can find the courage to stop paying her rent and let her deal with her own consequences as she has done this to herself.
I will mention, she isn't doing this to YOU, to hurt YOU, this isn't about YOU. This is about her and her addiction.
Hate the addiction not the person. - I try to follow this
Only she can help herself, she has to want it, want to be sober and do it herself. You can not force her to do anything. I know I tried... It failed every time.. People tried to get me off alcohol it wasn't until I was ready to stop that I was able to stop and with success. Getting sober for someone is will never work.
I hope you can find an Al-Anon meeting and maybe pick up a few books, co-dependent no more would be a great start.
I am so sorry for what brings you here.
I am an alcoholic, and an adult child of an alcoholic who is currently in active addiction.
I no longer speak to my Mother, she is not allowed contact with my son either who is her only grandchild, and I her only daughter.
I had to let her go, she is a huge trigger for me.
I will not allow my son around her as she is sick.
I do not contact her.
It took a couple months and I finally don't even think about her. She is living her life how she wants and that is none of my business.
I hope you can find the courage to stop paying her rent and let her deal with her own consequences as she has done this to herself.
I will mention, she isn't doing this to YOU, to hurt YOU, this isn't about YOU. This is about her and her addiction.
Hate the addiction not the person. - I try to follow this
Only she can help herself, she has to want it, want to be sober and do it herself. You can not force her to do anything. I know I tried... It failed every time.. People tried to get me off alcohol it wasn't until I was ready to stop that I was able to stop and with success. Getting sober for someone is will never work.
I hope you can find an Al-Anon meeting and maybe pick up a few books, co-dependent no more would be a great start.
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