How to say the unsayable? Timing?
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How to say the unsayable? Timing?
It’s been a strange few weeks. My SO has made the first weekend visit from the recovery residency. The therapy is going well and the progress as quick as to be expected. This is good news. We’ve talked for hours about many important issues around our relationship (emotional abuse, codependency, childhood trauma, stress, anger management, time to heal, emotions, respect, humor, love, living together again, support, care, chronic pain management, family, compassion, other people, remorse, wrongs..)
The atmosphere this morning is calm and quiet. I’m feeling safe. This is all good news. The day will unfold.
So far we know we both need more time to heal, recover, recalibrate and build inner strength to carry on. I have conveyed when and how completely I emotionally detached from the relationship (it was 2 years ago). This was following recognizing that I had experienced emotional abuse and began the slow process of healing. I have restated that my physical, financial and caring support is continuing. I have also expressed my deep concerns for our future together in terms of fear (relapse, anger and abuse). I have expressed my happiness and joy about living alone the past month or so. My SO now knows these things and knows that I am the only one responsible for my own happiness. These have been very difficult messages to present and discuss. But it’s done. And with compassion! This is also good news.
However, I still want to live separately. Im certain of this decision. I’m not sure how to exactly say this part without the possibility of my SO sabotaging their recovery process. Is this a reasonable consideration? To come out and say it halfway through the rehab process seems too soon. Is it? Or am I delaying/denying? Am I tiptoeing around the truth tulips? The possibility of everything going kaput (going back to alcohol dependency and and then in worst case, to homelessness) seems like a real possibility! I’m imagining this so I can prepare for it, if it happens. This weekend has been fruitful but not that enjoyable. There is absolutely no effort on my partner’s side to make the weekend pleasant. Except to withhold anger. I know it is very very difficult to think of another when your desperately trying to save yourself so I owe the lack of effort to create some enjoyable moments to this desperate process. But not to respond to a hug when the tears start flowing? Not to want to reach out and touch me? Not to ask if it’s ok? Knowing there has never been a time when I refused the long decades past? What is this thing called love? All I know is love this way up is not nearly enough! Am I being selfish? Am I being an adult? Can I think otherwise? I’m doing everything I can to stay physically/emotionally available, mentally focused and compassionate. I’m also looking forward to when my partner leaves tonight. This is not such good news and any guidance would be gratefully accepted. Thanks for reading and considering. X Zukunft
The atmosphere this morning is calm and quiet. I’m feeling safe. This is all good news. The day will unfold.
So far we know we both need more time to heal, recover, recalibrate and build inner strength to carry on. I have conveyed when and how completely I emotionally detached from the relationship (it was 2 years ago). This was following recognizing that I had experienced emotional abuse and began the slow process of healing. I have restated that my physical, financial and caring support is continuing. I have also expressed my deep concerns for our future together in terms of fear (relapse, anger and abuse). I have expressed my happiness and joy about living alone the past month or so. My SO now knows these things and knows that I am the only one responsible for my own happiness. These have been very difficult messages to present and discuss. But it’s done. And with compassion! This is also good news.
However, I still want to live separately. Im certain of this decision. I’m not sure how to exactly say this part without the possibility of my SO sabotaging their recovery process. Is this a reasonable consideration? To come out and say it halfway through the rehab process seems too soon. Is it? Or am I delaying/denying? Am I tiptoeing around the truth tulips? The possibility of everything going kaput (going back to alcohol dependency and and then in worst case, to homelessness) seems like a real possibility! I’m imagining this so I can prepare for it, if it happens. This weekend has been fruitful but not that enjoyable. There is absolutely no effort on my partner’s side to make the weekend pleasant. Except to withhold anger. I know it is very very difficult to think of another when your desperately trying to save yourself so I owe the lack of effort to create some enjoyable moments to this desperate process. But not to respond to a hug when the tears start flowing? Not to want to reach out and touch me? Not to ask if it’s ok? Knowing there has never been a time when I refused the long decades past? What is this thing called love? All I know is love this way up is not nearly enough! Am I being selfish? Am I being an adult? Can I think otherwise? I’m doing everything I can to stay physically/emotionally available, mentally focused and compassionate. I’m also looking forward to when my partner leaves tonight. This is not such good news and any guidance would be gratefully accepted. Thanks for reading and considering. X Zukunft
Last edited by Zukunft; 07-01-2018 at 12:14 AM. Reason: Typo
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Hello Zukunft,
These are all important questions. My past experience tells me that they are often exhausting ones, too. I'm sorry, and hope you are able to take extra good care of yourself while you work through all of this.
If you want to tell him that you will continue to live apart from him even after he is through with this part of his recovery, then while he is there might be best--he is surrounded by professional support.
Recovery residences, rehabs, sober living facilities are all just the first step on a life-long path of sobriety which he may or may not stay on.
Your decision to live apart should not be influenced by what his reaction may be, but by what is in your best interest in the long run.
Many active and recovering addicts/alcoholics say that they need their partner's support in order to make it--but the truth is, they have had their partner's support all along, and nothing improved. They still drank, used drugs, were manipulative to keep attention away from their using, lied, cheated, abused, and stole in order to keep drinking or using. So really, flying solo for some recovering addicts might be just what they need to make obtaining and maintaining sobriety a priority. I truly can be a life or death fight for some. And because of this, early recovery can be just as selfish a time in the life of an alcoholic as when they were actively drinking.
I'm in no way advocating any divorce, and believe those kinds of decisions are very personal and should not be taken lightly. But it does sound as though living alone has brought you some much needed peace and healing.
Wishing you well on this journey!! S
These are all important questions. My past experience tells me that they are often exhausting ones, too. I'm sorry, and hope you are able to take extra good care of yourself while you work through all of this.
If you want to tell him that you will continue to live apart from him even after he is through with this part of his recovery, then while he is there might be best--he is surrounded by professional support.
Recovery residences, rehabs, sober living facilities are all just the first step on a life-long path of sobriety which he may or may not stay on.
Your decision to live apart should not be influenced by what his reaction may be, but by what is in your best interest in the long run.
Many active and recovering addicts/alcoholics say that they need their partner's support in order to make it--but the truth is, they have had their partner's support all along, and nothing improved. They still drank, used drugs, were manipulative to keep attention away from their using, lied, cheated, abused, and stole in order to keep drinking or using. So really, flying solo for some recovering addicts might be just what they need to make obtaining and maintaining sobriety a priority. I truly can be a life or death fight for some. And because of this, early recovery can be just as selfish a time in the life of an alcoholic as when they were actively drinking.
I'm in no way advocating any divorce, and believe those kinds of decisions are very personal and should not be taken lightly. But it does sound as though living alone has brought you some much needed peace and healing.
Wishing you well on this journey!! S
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Zukunfit…..I concur with Seren that telling your partner while still in the structured environment with support, all around, might be the best time to break the news....
The alcoholic drinks or doesn't drink because of what is inside of them...not because of what someone else does or doesn't do. They may give lot of excuses or "reasons" that they drink...but, alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics and that is how they manage emotions/feelings.
Alcoholics have to learn how to live life on life's terms, without drinking, just like the rest of the world does. You are misdirected, if you think that you have to walk on eggshells and protect the alcoholic from reality.....
Your partner, also, deserves to know the truth. One of the principles of AA, as I understand it, it to practice honesty in all matters.
The alcoholic drinks or doesn't drink because of what is inside of them...not because of what someone else does or doesn't do. They may give lot of excuses or "reasons" that they drink...but, alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics and that is how they manage emotions/feelings.
Alcoholics have to learn how to live life on life's terms, without drinking, just like the rest of the world does. You are misdirected, if you think that you have to walk on eggshells and protect the alcoholic from reality.....
Your partner, also, deserves to know the truth. One of the principles of AA, as I understand it, it to practice honesty in all matters.
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Hi, Zukunft.
Welcome.
I agree with Seren and Dandylion, who are very wise, that you can’t base your decision to live separately on guilt and fear that your SO will relapse.
Maybe he will, maybe he won’t.
But it’s his journey, his decision.
He may want to blame you. Addicts are all about blaming someone else for their crazy train behavior, but know that what he does has nothing to do with you.
We aren’t that powerful.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Welcome.
I agree with Seren and Dandylion, who are very wise, that you can’t base your decision to live separately on guilt and fear that your SO will relapse.
Maybe he will, maybe he won’t.
But it’s his journey, his decision.
He may want to blame you. Addicts are all about blaming someone else for their crazy train behavior, but know that what he does has nothing to do with you.
We aren’t that powerful.
Good luck and good thoughts.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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The older I get the more I value and require my alone time. I think the consensus of those responding to your questions reveal that your SO is assured support at this time with your position. I'd be forthright about that now, give him time to prove his commitment to his sobriety first. It takes time. Use your time for focusing on YOU. This is not unreasonable for you to advocate for your self. If not you, then who?
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Thank you for you wise and thoughtful responses! Wow. They have really resonated with me. I’m seeing a clearer picture after reading these over and having finished the first weekend. I am determined to persevere with honesty and compassion. Have a great week to all! Z
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Hi my friends. So, updating... We have had the crucial honest discussions without blame and anger now. The path is clear to develop a way to slowly rebuild or renew our relationship after the initial recovery period. I’m in no huge hurry but I remain steadfast in my desire/need to live alone for now. The issue of how I approach the subject is on the horizon. The ideal situation would be for my SO to say, “You know I love you so much that I will do anything to rebuild our relationship. If that means living separately in order for me to get my life back, gain your trust and find a new way to bring excitement to our relationship, I’ll do it.” Of course there is little to no chance that will be the response, but I would like to steer the next discussion into that territory. I’m ready to begin this weekend. Please wish me luck. I may need a little! Thanks!
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I can relate to all the questions and the back-ing-and-forthing in one's mind that goes on with situations like this.
I can't give you advice but I can share one thing that has become clear for me over the years, the decisions, the relationships, the changes, the reflection, the sobriety and the living......
When you said "However, I still want to live separately. Im certain of this decision."
My immediate response was "Then say that. Now. Immediately. And act on it".
In my experience, acting counter to my own truth has caused harm to myself and others. In seeking 'the right time' or the 'right' circumstances - I only delayed the inevitable and made the ensuing days, weeks (sometimes years and years) less tolerable and also constrained..... constrained to the confines of a circumstance that was already OVER with but I hadn't had the courage to say it.
When I come to recognize my truth, with certainty, I now always focus on summoning the courage to honor it immediately and to share it with those who need to know asap.
That's not always comfortable. In fact, more often than not it's terrifying and anxiety-riddled and leaves me feeling sick to my stomach.... but it's been the right thing to do for me and for others involved.
I can't give you advice but I can share one thing that has become clear for me over the years, the decisions, the relationships, the changes, the reflection, the sobriety and the living......
When you said "However, I still want to live separately. Im certain of this decision."
My immediate response was "Then say that. Now. Immediately. And act on it".
In my experience, acting counter to my own truth has caused harm to myself and others. In seeking 'the right time' or the 'right' circumstances - I only delayed the inevitable and made the ensuing days, weeks (sometimes years and years) less tolerable and also constrained..... constrained to the confines of a circumstance that was already OVER with but I hadn't had the courage to say it.
When I come to recognize my truth, with certainty, I now always focus on summoning the courage to honor it immediately and to share it with those who need to know asap.
That's not always comfortable. In fact, more often than not it's terrifying and anxiety-riddled and leaves me feeling sick to my stomach.... but it's been the right thing to do for me and for others involved.
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I did it.
So I’ve been offline for a few weeks. My SO has been out from rehab on the weekends and nearing the end of the program. I summoned the strength and the words to say I wanted to separate. It really help having the support from all of you. Thank you. Now the next phase begins. I recognize that it will be hard work. I’m rollercoasting emotionally but my truth is clear. I still care and support what is the most amazing and fabulous recovery process. We are both so much stronger! Now I want to go into the world alone and be myself. Thank you everyone for being there when I need you! I hope I may be as helpful to others in the future.
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Z,
What support are you doing for yourself? Therapist, alanon or open AA meetings? You could probably use some one on one contact with humans.
You sound amazing, realizing what you want and asking for it. That is healthy. Take this time and heal as your SO will do. Deep wounds do not go away right a way.
((((((((hugs))))))))) Keep moving forward and you will slowly arrive.
What support are you doing for yourself? Therapist, alanon or open AA meetings? You could probably use some one on one contact with humans.
You sound amazing, realizing what you want and asking for it. That is healthy. Take this time and heal as your SO will do. Deep wounds do not go away right a way.
((((((((hugs))))))))) Keep moving forward and you will slowly arrive.
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Join Date: May 2018
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Originally Posted by maia1234 
Z,
What support are you doing for yourself? Therapist, alanon or open AA meetings? You could probably use some one on one contact with humans.
You sound amazing, realizing what you want and asking for it. That is healthy. Take this time and heal as your SO will do. Deep wounds do not go away right a way.
((((((((hugs))))))))) Keep moving forward and you will slowly arrive.
What support are you doing for yourself? Therapist, alanon or open AA meetings? You could probably use some one on one contact with humans.
You sound amazing, realizing what you want and asking for it. That is healthy. Take this time and heal as your SO will do. Deep wounds do not go away right a way.
((((((((hugs))))))))) Keep moving forward and you will slowly arrive.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Originally Posted by Zukunft
So I’ve been offline for a few weeks. My SO has been out from rehab on the weekends and nearing the end of the program. I summoned the strength and the words to say I wanted to separate. It really help having the support from all of you. Thank you. Now the next phase begins. I recognize that it will be hard work. I’m rollercoasting emotionally but my truth is clear. I still care and support what is the most amazing and fabulous recovery process. We are both so much stronger! Now I want to go into the world alone and be myself. Thank you everyone for being there when I need you! I hope I may be as helpful to others in the future.
You sound strong. Keep taking care of yourself and keep posting!
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Join Date: May 2018
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My recent decision to live alone feels so right. And so right now. I’m stronger and my SO is stronger. The whole process has proved to me that humans can be amazingly responsive to change when they decide to improve their life. My SO’s choice to stop drinking has made an enormously positive impact on our lives. I still want to live alone though. I’m writing a list of reasons and it keeps growing.
The only problem with my decision is that my recovering SO thinks separation is a mistake. “Why can’t we continue to improve our lives and rebuild our broken relationship in each other’s midst?” “Why do we have to be so radical?” “What are you hiding from me? This doesn’t make any sense!” These are a sample of questions my SO is asking. I respond to every one as honestly and compassionately as possible but it never seems to satisfy. (Never getting satisfaction has been a big problem in our relationship for at least a decade, so I’m familiar with it.)
It’s as if I’m still being ignored, told I’m the one with the problem, my way is not the best way to do things and I should be able to be more understanding about how difficult my SO’s journey has been and still is. I’m not sure what to do with all this. My gut says carry forward and stay the course. I know what I want. However part of me is asking if I am being immature and running away from a problem now that I can without feeling guilty. When I write this, it seems so ridiculous but it cross my mind when we talk.
We are both shattered.
I was shattered a couple of years ago and began to quietly self repair while my SO continued to spiral out of control. Now they are shattered by my decision to leave. It never entered the realm of thought that recovery would include separation and so it is really difficult to accept it. I understand that.
Right now I am trying to stay strong and keep communicating. I get a sense from all my wise counsel, reading, thinking, meetings etc that this is a common situation. Is it? Am I being selfish? Is it a running away from a problem or a dance towards the light? Ha! May have just answered my own question! Thanks for taking time to listen to me, my friends! X
The only problem with my decision is that my recovering SO thinks separation is a mistake. “Why can’t we continue to improve our lives and rebuild our broken relationship in each other’s midst?” “Why do we have to be so radical?” “What are you hiding from me? This doesn’t make any sense!” These are a sample of questions my SO is asking. I respond to every one as honestly and compassionately as possible but it never seems to satisfy. (Never getting satisfaction has been a big problem in our relationship for at least a decade, so I’m familiar with it.)
It’s as if I’m still being ignored, told I’m the one with the problem, my way is not the best way to do things and I should be able to be more understanding about how difficult my SO’s journey has been and still is. I’m not sure what to do with all this. My gut says carry forward and stay the course. I know what I want. However part of me is asking if I am being immature and running away from a problem now that I can without feeling guilty. When I write this, it seems so ridiculous but it cross my mind when we talk.
We are both shattered.
I was shattered a couple of years ago and began to quietly self repair while my SO continued to spiral out of control. Now they are shattered by my decision to leave. It never entered the realm of thought that recovery would include separation and so it is really difficult to accept it. I understand that.
Right now I am trying to stay strong and keep communicating. I get a sense from all my wise counsel, reading, thinking, meetings etc that this is a common situation. Is it? Am I being selfish? Is it a running away from a problem or a dance towards the light? Ha! May have just answered my own question! Thanks for taking time to listen to me, my friends! X
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I know this must be hard on both of you, and I am glad that you are doing what is the most healing for you right now.
I really don't have a similar experience to share, but I can tell you that your husband's questions do seem to come from a place of self-interest and not out of an effort to do what is best for you at this time.
He might argue that you are not doing what is best for him...but I think you are in that your absence is making him take a look at himself.
In time, you both may reach a point where you can reconcile and build a stronger marriage. Or not. Time will tell, and time takes...time.
Please take good care!
I really don't have a similar experience to share, but I can tell you that your husband's questions do seem to come from a place of self-interest and not out of an effort to do what is best for you at this time.
He might argue that you are not doing what is best for him...but I think you are in that your absence is making him take a look at himself.
In time, you both may reach a point where you can reconcile and build a stronger marriage. Or not. Time will tell, and time takes...time.
Please take good care!
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Join Date: May 2018
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Stay strong, Z. When I read the sample comments he is making I see someone trying to assert control. I saw at the start of the thread that there were issues related to anger and emotions. So, considering that I’m recovering from a relationship with an abusive A, I am very attuned to the Indicators of different types of abuse—I’m picking up on emotional abuse. Your needs are more important than his at this time because you are helping and recovering yourself.
I know how sucky it is to be alone at first and how you miss them and care for them and then...little by little, you realize how lost you had become and how little you had taken care of your own needs. Finally, you start to invest back into yourself and it feels good. That’s okay, in fact, it’s better than okay—it’s great.
I frequently read what is probably the most recognized quote by Albert Camus, the full one and not just the sentence about invincible summer. It reminds me about healing: finding love within hate, a smile through my tears, calm in the chaos. My invincible summer truly began just recently; I have finally recognized my own power to push back and grow after all that I have been through.
I wish you all the best.
I know how sucky it is to be alone at first and how you miss them and care for them and then...little by little, you realize how lost you had become and how little you had taken care of your own needs. Finally, you start to invest back into yourself and it feels good. That’s okay, in fact, it’s better than okay—it’s great.
I frequently read what is probably the most recognized quote by Albert Camus, the full one and not just the sentence about invincible summer. It reminds me about healing: finding love within hate, a smile through my tears, calm in the chaos. My invincible summer truly began just recently; I have finally recognized my own power to push back and grow after all that I have been through.
I wish you all the best.
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Zununft……..You have the right, and the responsibility to take care o your own welfare and happiness. If you don't--nobody else is going to.....
To answer your question...Yes, it is a common situation for relationships to break up after the alcoholic quits drinking....More break up After sobriety, than while the alcoholic was still drinking....statistically.....
There are lots of reasons that this happens....and, I am sure that one of them is that one can no longer blame the alcohol for all of the problems in the relationship....
You have every right to live alone, if that is what feels right for you.
Just let go of the idea that he has to agree with you....that he has to be on the same page....he probably never will....and, that is not a good reason to cut your happiness short....You have this one life to live....
Sounds, to me, like you gave it your all, and it just didn't work out for you to still trot in double harness.....
To answer your question...Yes, it is a common situation for relationships to break up after the alcoholic quits drinking....More break up After sobriety, than while the alcoholic was still drinking....statistically.....
There are lots of reasons that this happens....and, I am sure that one of them is that one can no longer blame the alcohol for all of the problems in the relationship....
You have every right to live alone, if that is what feels right for you.
Just let go of the idea that he has to agree with you....that he has to be on the same page....he probably never will....and, that is not a good reason to cut your happiness short....You have this one life to live....
Sounds, to me, like you gave it your all, and it just didn't work out for you to still trot in double harness.....
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Thank you. Yes you have perceived the control/abuse aspects of the relationship. I know I have to take care of myself now. I also know that my SO may never know how deeply I was hurt. My decision to leave is not intended to punish but it may look like that. Thanks again and I’m so grateful for this forum. Enjoy you fantastic summer! X Z
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My immediate response was "Then say that. Now. Immediately. And act on it".
In my experience, acting counter to my own truth has caused harm to myself and others. In seeking 'the right time' or the 'right' circumstances - I only delayed the inevitable and made the ensuing days, weeks (sometimes years and years) less tolerable and also constrained..... constrained to the confines of a circumstance that was already OVER with but I hadn't had the courage to say it.
Thank you! A situation just came up and your perspective really helped me confront it with calm clarity. All the best to you.
In my experience, acting counter to my own truth has caused harm to myself and others. In seeking 'the right time' or the 'right' circumstances - I only delayed the inevitable and made the ensuing days, weeks (sometimes years and years) less tolerable and also constrained..... constrained to the confines of a circumstance that was already OVER with but I hadn't had the courage to say it.
Thank you! A situation just came up and your perspective really helped me confront it with calm clarity. All the best to you.
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