It's not me it's him...??
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Join Date: Jun 2018
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It's not me it's him...??
Why am I having such a difficult time accepting this "dry drunk" behavior? He is not talking to me. I am profoundly lonely. Thank heavens for my fur babies...which by the way he is neglecting also. He used to be really good about feeding and watering them. Now he doesn't do either. It' strange. He doesn't talk to me. I come home, he is at his meeting. He comes to bed. I pretend I am asleep. We get up at almost the same time, but there is no interaction. Absolutely NONE right now. I am taking this all personally which my brain tells me is ridiculous because I am not the only creature in the house he is neglecting. He's friendlier with the adult children then myself but they have noticed a difference as well. He asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I told him a lap top. He said he was thinking about that. 14 days later....no lap top. I will buy one myself because I am starting back to school soon and need it. If he ever asks me what me what I want again I will never tell me. Did I ask for too much? Was it unreasonable? He is usually very considerate and thoughtful when it comes to gifts. I hate him right now. If we get through this intact and he picks up a drink, I swear to God I will punch him in the face.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
What does your support network look like for your recovery from this Family Disease of Alcoholism?
(((hugs)))
The further my healing progresses:
1. Everything in my life has changed profoundly. This used to look terrifying. Now I embrace it as a very good thing.
2. My core, true, authentic self has a voice and I use it in new ways.
3. My happiness no longer depends on another person. I am capable and willing to have joy, peace and happiness in my life no matter what is going on with other people.
One day at a time. One foot in front of the other.
(((hugs)))
The further my healing progresses:
1. Everything in my life has changed profoundly. This used to look terrifying. Now I embrace it as a very good thing.
2. My core, true, authentic self has a voice and I use it in new ways.
3. My happiness no longer depends on another person. I am capable and willing to have joy, peace and happiness in my life no matter what is going on with other people.
One day at a time. One foot in front of the other.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
*hugs* darling you definitely need it today.
I don't mean to laugh but you sound just like me. I told AH wednesday that if he is drinking he will not attend our 9 year olds vacation bible school program on thursday. Yesterday he called to tell me he was home early and getting ready for the program and I told him "If you pick up that bottle, I swear I will punch you in the throat. Do NOT test me today." He didn't, we went and it was adorable. Our boys worship him. That's who his drinking hurts the most. That's what makes me so freaking angry with him. If it was just me, I would have left a long time ago. My constant struggle is the environment isn't the best but I don't want to take them away either.
*edited to add-I realize this was not an appropriate reaction.
I don't mean to laugh but you sound just like me. I told AH wednesday that if he is drinking he will not attend our 9 year olds vacation bible school program on thursday. Yesterday he called to tell me he was home early and getting ready for the program and I told him "If you pick up that bottle, I swear I will punch you in the throat. Do NOT test me today." He didn't, we went and it was adorable. Our boys worship him. That's who his drinking hurts the most. That's what makes me so freaking angry with him. If it was just me, I would have left a long time ago. My constant struggle is the environment isn't the best but I don't want to take them away either.
*edited to add-I realize this was not an appropriate reaction.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
https:/al-anon.org/
Al-anon is more than meetings. Learning to listen in new ways to new ideas started the ball rolling for me. When I got a sponsor, she accepted me in a way I hadn't experienced before. She also brought a level of understanding what I was going through far beyond what I could see.
Next came healing in great waves. Being able to feel, to have a light shown on everything that was previously downplayed or ignored allowed for great healing. My monsters that lived in dark, scary places became things I could deal with.
Al-anon is more than meetings. Learning to listen in new ways to new ideas started the ball rolling for me. When I got a sponsor, she accepted me in a way I hadn't experienced before. She also brought a level of understanding what I was going through far beyond what I could see.
Next came healing in great waves. Being able to feel, to have a light shown on everything that was previously downplayed or ignored allowed for great healing. My monsters that lived in dark, scary places became things I could deal with.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Why am I having such a difficult time accepting this "dry drunk" behavior? He is not talking to me. I am profoundly lonely.
People are not "built" to be ignored. There is nothing quite like it. There you are a fully thinking/feeling human, perhaps talking or going about your day and here is this other human acting like you do not exist.
That is NOT normal. So while your logical mind says this is "dry drunk" behavior and I won't take that personally, in reality it's pretty hard to wrap your head around. In fact, you don't have to. His burden is not yours to carry and you can't. There is a saying used around here - let go or be dragged. While that is generally used meaning - get out of this - it applies here too I think. You can keep yourself hitched to this wobbly wagon or you can let go and let him sort it out. If you keep yourself engaged like this emotionally, expect an emotional toll on yourself.
If he ever asks me what me what I want again I will never tell me. Did I ask for too much? Was it unreasonable? He is usually very considerate and thoughtful when it comes to gifts. I hate him right now. If we get through this intact and he picks up a drink, I swear to God I will punch him in the face.
You mention you "hate him right now". If you all get through this etc. Let's say he does stay sober, none of this damage just disappears. There are a lot of things that play in to this. Trust, he will have to work on earning your trust back. You can't just treat someone like crap and then stop drinking and it all magically heals. You can't just ignore a person as though they aren't even in the room and then acknowledge their existence and everything is peachy.
As you said, you're in "for better or for worse" - this is definitely part of the "worse". First he must stay sober, second he needs to get in to recovery, thirdly he needs to work through all his issues and finally he needs to maintain the recovery always.
You will be secondary to all of this. If you are in for better or for worse you are going to need some support.
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ErNurse…...I implore you to go back and read and "digest" my post to you, that I made on June 25, in you other thread...…
He is only a little over a month sober. The brain only begins to clear, somewhat, at about 6 months!
This behavior is not unusual for someone so new to sobriety. If you could look inside of his head..it would look like a disaster area. And, it will be for a good while. The dopamine receptors in his midbrain are totally messed up, right now. That makes a person feel like a fish out of water.
I know that you have a different set of expectations of what he would be like....and this comes as a terrible shock for most loved ones who had their heart set on getting the original person back.
The reality is that you will need to change your expectations of him for the first 6months to a year of sobriety (at least). Almost to the point of just expecting him to be zombie-like....or a person who rents a room in your house....Lower the bar...lower the bar...…(lol...this is why I always say that it is more merciful if the loved ones lived separately, in early recovery)…..
To do this, you are going to have to work Powerfully Hard at detaching from him and his behaviors. This is why you need a program of your own...and tons of support....
If he doesn't get sober...into genuine recovery...you will lose him, anyway.
This is the price of living with a recovering addict....not easy, I know.
It is "normal" for you to feel like you hate him, at this point....He is fighting for his life...and, you are, naturally, filled with resentments. (I hope you are kidding about punching him in the face...lol).
He is not being this way to hurt you. He is trying to get from day to day...literally. He is going to be so focused on himself, for a while that h e will look as self centered as his belly button. Just because he looks the same on the outside, doesn't mean that he is that way on the inside.....
I sincerely hope that you are reading those 100 articles that I showed you, in our library...
And, read "The Addicted Brain" by Michael Kuhar….
It should keep you busy, studying alcoholism, and for your boards, and your horses....and attending alanon with your sponsor.....
This is not going to be a honeymoon time...it is going to be more like walking through the Halls of H*** time......lol....
Expect it...accept it...and, detach......
He is only a little over a month sober. The brain only begins to clear, somewhat, at about 6 months!
This behavior is not unusual for someone so new to sobriety. If you could look inside of his head..it would look like a disaster area. And, it will be for a good while. The dopamine receptors in his midbrain are totally messed up, right now. That makes a person feel like a fish out of water.
I know that you have a different set of expectations of what he would be like....and this comes as a terrible shock for most loved ones who had their heart set on getting the original person back.
The reality is that you will need to change your expectations of him for the first 6months to a year of sobriety (at least). Almost to the point of just expecting him to be zombie-like....or a person who rents a room in your house....Lower the bar...lower the bar...…(lol...this is why I always say that it is more merciful if the loved ones lived separately, in early recovery)…..
To do this, you are going to have to work Powerfully Hard at detaching from him and his behaviors. This is why you need a program of your own...and tons of support....
If he doesn't get sober...into genuine recovery...you will lose him, anyway.
This is the price of living with a recovering addict....not easy, I know.
It is "normal" for you to feel like you hate him, at this point....He is fighting for his life...and, you are, naturally, filled with resentments. (I hope you are kidding about punching him in the face...lol).
He is not being this way to hurt you. He is trying to get from day to day...literally. He is going to be so focused on himself, for a while that h e will look as self centered as his belly button. Just because he looks the same on the outside, doesn't mean that he is that way on the inside.....
I sincerely hope that you are reading those 100 articles that I showed you, in our library...
And, read "The Addicted Brain" by Michael Kuhar….
It should keep you busy, studying alcoholism, and for your boards, and your horses....and attending alanon with your sponsor.....
This is not going to be a honeymoon time...it is going to be more like walking through the Halls of H*** time......lol....
Expect it...accept it...and, detach......
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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ErNurse…...I am soo sorry.....!! I got you mixed up, temporarily with clarity 888 ….who is studying for her exams.....
I apologize. Sometimes, the stories are similar...and, it is hard for me to keep all of them straight , in my mind...lol...!!!
I apologize. Sometimes, the stories are similar...and, it is hard for me to keep all of them straight , in my mind...lol...!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Hang in there nurse. Right now his brain is like a washing machine that switches from the agitation cycle to the spinning cycle and it's trying to balance itself out....it takes a lot of time....try to learn to detach and don't take anything he does personal. I know that's easier said than done, but what other choice have you got?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
He is in very early recovery! If he stays sober (most don't) and works a program he will change in small increments. If you want this relationship -- and it's ok not to -- Alanon can be a huge support and learning tool. What helped me a lot was learning that expectations screw up more relationships than practically anything else and I had to let go of mine. A big hug.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
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Absolutely. I have read through some of them. I am working aboutn72 hours this week. More as an escape, it helps to see people with worse problems than myself. I would never pinch him in the face. I just feel very angry. I was grieving and now I am angry. I guess I didn't understand the dopamine changes. That is huge. Every day is a fight. I not ready to live separately from my family and my animals. I will just continue to educate and take care if myself and the rest of the household. I am already emotionally detaching, or trying to do so. I am just venting and frustrated. And, it's VERY hard to not have control. Giving that up is difficult.
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ErNurse…..I do understand how difficult this is. It is very hard to make these kinds of changes....and to absorb everything that one needs to know all at once. That is why having a "map" of how to proceed is a big help....I am trying to help lay out a map for you.....and, the others are, as well. Many of us are veterans of this world of addictions.
I am not suggesting that YOU leave your family and animals....it is the alcoholic who should go on the "sabattical"......when that is possible. But, you get the idea.....
LOL...I am also in the medical profession...first as a nurse, and now as a PA. I can tell you, that, sometimes, I was taking care of people who I think were in better shape than me.....If they only knew!....I would, sometimes, go into the bathroom or lock the door to my office and cry.....Then, emerge, and greet them with a warm smile.....
I am not suggesting that YOU leave your family and animals....it is the alcoholic who should go on the "sabattical"......when that is possible. But, you get the idea.....
LOL...I am also in the medical profession...first as a nurse, and now as a PA. I can tell you, that, sometimes, I was taking care of people who I think were in better shape than me.....If they only knew!....I would, sometimes, go into the bathroom or lock the door to my office and cry.....Then, emerge, and greet them with a warm smile.....
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Join Date: Jun 2018
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Yes! I feel exactly that way at work! I had 2 esophageal varices side by side and realized I WANT HIM TO STAY SOBER and I felt like God is trying tell me something. I just have to pay attention when he does. Your words truly resonate with me. I am so happy I am not alone in this. It is truly a comfort and a blessing to read everyone's posts.
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Originally Posted by Ernurse 
Absolutely. I have read through some of them. I am working aboutn72 hours this week. More as an escape, it helps to see people with worse problems than myself. I would never pinch him in the face. I just feel very angry. I was grieving and now I am angry. I guess I didn't understand the dopamine changes. That is huge. Every day is a fight. I not ready to live separately from my family and my animals. I will just continue to educate and take care if myself and the rest of the household. I am already emotionally detaching, or trying to do so. I am just venting and frustrated. And, it's VERY hard to not have control. Giving that up is difficult.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Dear ER
Your post takes me back to March of 2014, when I had my last drink and my partner and I separated.
I had not really thought about all the dynamics coming to bear on the end of that relationship. I was accused then of ignoring him. Of course, he was and IS still drinking.
Today we are divorced and enjoy occasional friendly interaction. I go sometimes to visit the animals. I just have to go before "happy hour" starts.
You WILL get through this. Just make your own sobriety the top priority right now.
Your post takes me back to March of 2014, when I had my last drink and my partner and I separated.
I had not really thought about all the dynamics coming to bear on the end of that relationship. I was accused then of ignoring him. Of course, he was and IS still drinking.
Today we are divorced and enjoy occasional friendly interaction. I go sometimes to visit the animals. I just have to go before "happy hour" starts.
You WILL get through this. Just make your own sobriety the top priority right now.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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uote:
Originally Posted by Ernurse
And, it's VERY hard to not have control. Giving that up is difficult.
We are in different situations - my AH is still drinking and I no longer want to be married. We are still living together for now. (I also lived with an AF who quit drinking and was that miserable person without alcohol). This resonated with me though. About that control thing - it took me awhile and a lot of work (I'm still working on it) with detachment before I got to the point where I didn't relinquish control over to him for what my mood would be during any given time or day. Silence is awful, and that happens here. But now when he pulls that silence **** or walks into a room and sucks the air out, I don't allow that to effect my mood as much. I often remove myself from the situation and take care of myself and do what o want that makes me feel good. I try to be the doer rather than the reactor. I suspect you aren't trying to control him but rather you are done with his mood controlling yours. J could be wrong.
Good luck
Originally Posted by Ernurse
And, it's VERY hard to not have control. Giving that up is difficult.
We are in different situations - my AH is still drinking and I no longer want to be married. We are still living together for now. (I also lived with an AF who quit drinking and was that miserable person without alcohol). This resonated with me though. About that control thing - it took me awhile and a lot of work (I'm still working on it) with detachment before I got to the point where I didn't relinquish control over to him for what my mood would be during any given time or day. Silence is awful, and that happens here. But now when he pulls that silence **** or walks into a room and sucks the air out, I don't allow that to effect my mood as much. I often remove myself from the situation and take care of myself and do what o want that makes me feel good. I try to be the doer rather than the reactor. I suspect you aren't trying to control him but rather you are done with his mood controlling yours. J could be wrong.
Good luck
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Join Date: Jun 2018
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Today has been a good day. i worked my 4th shift in a row but only 8 hrs, and went to a co workers bbq/unsanctioned new work tshirt-secret-from-the-boss party. came home. said hi to the pups, gave the oldest her birthday present (card from me) and showered and left to go to the bbq. didn't engage or make small talk. just went on about my business. not doing his laundry (except for towels) continuing to keep the house semi-clean. I came home and he was sitting in the yard. i asked why he didn't go to the meeting and he replied it was starting at 730pm. Smiled and showed him my new work shift s(says ER like to TV show...pretty cool I must say) and his reply was "oh nice!" I went in the house and he came back in super chatty and excited to share new tv show he discovered and update me on the dog/cat drama. Felt like things are back to normal. for today. i anticipate he could be a douche at any moment but I will take it for now. I can't let my guard down... I felt really good at work today, I feel that my deplin is starting to take effect. I will be going to the Tuesday night Al-Anon meeting. Work Wednesday, then fly to Nashville to see my sweet 25 year old son for 5 days. I have dropped my expectations of my ABF reasonable or not. I am not asking him for anything. I will deal with stuff on my own. He can work on his stuff. one day at a time. And, i do occasionally drink alcohol, maybe one or two, maybe once a month. I typically work too much and my 50 year old body feels it the next day. plus, I would rather not partake unless I am on vacation or doing something very special. (someone had asked if I drink alcohol) So, I will take today for now, I am reading my one day at a time in Al-Anon everyday. and also "How Al-Anon works" before I go to bed. I attend the meetings when I am able. unfortunately, I get off most days at 7pm and by the time I get out of there, most of the meetings are over. I found one 8pm. On the days I am not working, I plan on continuing to attend any meeting available. I need them. Thanks for everyones good advised and support! Today is a good day, one day at a time.
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