Making him uncomfortable
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
Making him uncomfortable
Okay so I literally have no idea what is enabling behavior. I am a complete control freak and I openly admit it. I run/manage our household and everyone in it. It's a terrible habit I know and I think it's probably one of the reasons he's as deep into his alcoholism as he is because he doesn't ever have to DO anything. I do it all.
Yesterday afternoon I came in and he was drunk and had clearly just played video games all day. So I did the dishes and took out the trash. I was so disgusted that I left and went across the street to his aunt's house and stayed with her for a bit(oldest was at work and youngest is at farm camp) he eventually came to find me. Since he was drinking I slept on the couch (this drives him crazy), also this morning I didn't make his breakfast or lunch because he's only gone to work 2 days in the last two weeks so I figured he can figure out food when he's hungry. He got irritable with me this morning because when asked I said I didn't make him anything because I didn't know he was going to work. I do not feel like I was being mean or "poking" him.
Is this what I am supposed to be doing? I do meal prep and then just grab containers in the morning to pack lunches for everyone...should I make him do his own breakfast and lunch? What other kinds of things should I stop doing?
Yesterday afternoon I came in and he was drunk and had clearly just played video games all day. So I did the dishes and took out the trash. I was so disgusted that I left and went across the street to his aunt's house and stayed with her for a bit(oldest was at work and youngest is at farm camp) he eventually came to find me. Since he was drinking I slept on the couch (this drives him crazy), also this morning I didn't make his breakfast or lunch because he's only gone to work 2 days in the last two weeks so I figured he can figure out food when he's hungry. He got irritable with me this morning because when asked I said I didn't make him anything because I didn't know he was going to work. I do not feel like I was being mean or "poking" him.
Is this what I am supposed to be doing? I do meal prep and then just grab containers in the morning to pack lunches for everyone...should I make him do his own breakfast and lunch? What other kinds of things should I stop doing?
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Grand Junction, CO
Posts: 14
Hi alwayscovering.
I am so sorry you are struggling... you have come to the right place.
en·a·ble
enˈāb(ə)l,inˈāb(ə)l/Submit
verb gerund or present participle: enabling
1. give (someone or something) the authority or means to do something.
In an Al-Anon meeting the other night, I spoke about how a lot of us are caretakers because if we don't do it, it doesn't get done. However, he is a grown man that is capable of doing things for himself.
The struggle comes with letting things go... I mean, can you let the dishes or trash pile up until he takes it out.... you are in a marriage that should be 100/100. It shouldn't be you doing everything.
You are on the right track by not making his breakfast and lunch. If he is going to work, he can make his own.
Have you thought about, or are you going to Al-Anon? The meetings really help me.
Hugs!!
I am so sorry you are struggling... you have come to the right place.
en·a·ble
enˈāb(ə)l,inˈāb(ə)l/Submit
verb gerund or present participle: enabling
1. give (someone or something) the authority or means to do something.
In an Al-Anon meeting the other night, I spoke about how a lot of us are caretakers because if we don't do it, it doesn't get done. However, he is a grown man that is capable of doing things for himself.
The struggle comes with letting things go... I mean, can you let the dishes or trash pile up until he takes it out.... you are in a marriage that should be 100/100. It shouldn't be you doing everything.
You are on the right track by not making his breakfast and lunch. If he is going to work, he can make his own.
Have you thought about, or are you going to Al-Anon? The meetings really help me.
Hugs!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
I went to al anon a few times when we lived on the east coast I was just never comfortable there. I am trying to get into a celebrate recovery group. I'm willing to try that.
I have tried letting the dishes and trash pile up last week. He never did anything with it. I ended up having an anxiety attack and did it myself. He knows I can't handle that kind of stuff. That was one of the things I liked about him when we met. He was a neat freak. Clutter stresses me out.
I have tried letting the dishes and trash pile up last week. He never did anything with it. I ended up having an anxiety attack and did it myself. He knows I can't handle that kind of stuff. That was one of the things I liked about him when we met. He was a neat freak. Clutter stresses me out.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I get that! I cannot stand a sloppy house! When I kicked out my XAH my work load got a lot easier LOL!
Glad you are working on getting into a CR group. I credit CR with seeing me through some of my darkest days, and the friends I made there are life long. It changed my life.
Glad you are working on getting into a CR group. I credit CR with seeing me through some of my darkest days, and the friends I made there are life long. It changed my life.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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alwayscovering…...you have been here for about exactly 2 years.....Have you ever read any of the articles in our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...? There are about 100 of them. Enough for you to read and digest one every single day. There is sooo much to know. Knowledge is power.
By the time you work through that information...you should be an expert...lol....
Enabling is doing something for someone else that they can and should be doing for themselves.....
It, also, can be shielding someone from the natural consequences of their own actions.....
***Make sure that you are not punishing yourself in a misdirected effort not to enable…..If having the piled up dishes, etc., is hurting you....you have punished yourself....
On this forum, when we talk about enabling, we are usually talking in the context of enabling someone else's alcoholism...…
If he was neat and conscientious,previously, his current behavior is probably a sign that h is alcoholism is spiraling.....and, you probably not going to get very far in the domestic chores scene, with his stage of alcoholism....
In other news...if you describe yourself as a "control freak"....then, that is an issue of your own....organized is one thing...but, "control freak" is another thing.....that was probably born long before you met current hubby.....
From what you say, in your many other threads...it sounds like he came with other issues besides the alcoholism, also....
alanon will help you with a lot of self exploration....
By the time you work through that information...you should be an expert...lol....
Enabling is doing something for someone else that they can and should be doing for themselves.....
It, also, can be shielding someone from the natural consequences of their own actions.....
***Make sure that you are not punishing yourself in a misdirected effort not to enable…..If having the piled up dishes, etc., is hurting you....you have punished yourself....
On this forum, when we talk about enabling, we are usually talking in the context of enabling someone else's alcoholism...…
If he was neat and conscientious,previously, his current behavior is probably a sign that h is alcoholism is spiraling.....and, you probably not going to get very far in the domestic chores scene, with his stage of alcoholism....
In other news...if you describe yourself as a "control freak"....then, that is an issue of your own....organized is one thing...but, "control freak" is another thing.....that was probably born long before you met current hubby.....
From what you say, in your many other threads...it sounds like he came with other issues besides the alcoholism, also....
alanon will help you with a lot of self exploration....
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Pray, and follow. 
I'm often lead to, and away from, different meetings and resources on different days. As I pray and ask God to guide me, new things keep opening up in my life.
Thinking of meetings (Al-anon, churches, CR, domestic abuse recovery) as filled with many people, much knowledge and connections with God, not every meeting or person is meant to speak to me. Maybe it's something someone else needs to hear that day. Praying for guidance and listening for God's direction brings about better communication.
One day, after an Al-anon meeting, I wound up meeting three people of faith in a natural foods parking lot. A broken milk jug lead to us going past all religion and simply speaking of Life and enjoying connections that God lead us to.
I'm often lead to, and away from, different meetings and resources on different days. As I pray and ask God to guide me, new things keep opening up in my life.
Thinking of meetings (Al-anon, churches, CR, domestic abuse recovery) as filled with many people, much knowledge and connections with God, not every meeting or person is meant to speak to me. Maybe it's something someone else needs to hear that day. Praying for guidance and listening for God's direction brings about better communication.
One day, after an Al-anon meeting, I wound up meeting three people of faith in a natural foods parking lot. A broken milk jug lead to us going past all religion and simply speaking of Life and enjoying connections that God lead us to.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
Oh I know the control freak thing is my own issue and it's a lot better now than it used to be.(Therapy) I used to have anxiety attacks daily when things went wrong even though I desperately tried to control it.
I knew he had problems LOL doesn't everyone? We all have baggage, I'm okay with that. When he told me about his treatment in the military I didn't know anything about addiction so I didn't know that you don't just quit drinking, that you have to do things to maintain it.
I have begged him for years to go to the VA and get therapy for his PTSD. I'm hoping when we go tomorrow that he sticks with it. When I talked to the intake people he will get a psychiatrist, therapist, addiction counselor and will have to go to out patient group therapy. They will address his addiction as well as PTSD.
I knew he had problems LOL doesn't everyone? We all have baggage, I'm okay with that. When he told me about his treatment in the military I didn't know anything about addiction so I didn't know that you don't just quit drinking, that you have to do things to maintain it.
I have begged him for years to go to the VA and get therapy for his PTSD. I'm hoping when we go tomorrow that he sticks with it. When I talked to the intake people he will get a psychiatrist, therapist, addiction counselor and will have to go to out patient group therapy. They will address his addiction as well as PTSD.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
My whole recovery and growth has been far outside my comfort zone. Comfort zones can be very confining. Now that I'm trusting this process, I keep finding new ways to support myself as I continually step far beyond my comfort zone. One thing I do I ask "Am I safe?" If I'm not, that gives me good info. Either way, I then have choices and a stronger balance inside me for making healthy decisions.
Good luck tomorrow. My husband's rehab programs also had family support that was wonderful.
Good luck tomorrow. My husband's rehab programs also had family support that was wonderful.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think part of the enabling is allowing him to not have to be responsible financially to the family. He gets to stay at home playing video games all day and not working like a grown adult. I think I would be coming up with a boundary regarding that.
Maybe it’s time to turn off the internet/cable because he’s not working and you can’t afford it.
Maybe it’s time to hire someone to do the yard work and clean the house since he’s not contributing and it’s all falling on you and you need help which you are not going to get from him.
These are the big issues that really need to be addressed, the making of his breakfast is minor in nature compared to the big picture.
Maybe it’s time to turn off the internet/cable because he’s not working and you can’t afford it.
Maybe it’s time to hire someone to do the yard work and clean the house since he’s not contributing and it’s all falling on you and you need help which you are not going to get from him.
These are the big issues that really need to be addressed, the making of his breakfast is minor in nature compared to the big picture.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 539
Always Covering,
I am sure you realize your name alone indicates an enabler. Covering for your alcoholic is a big way to enable.
Hello there! Enable: Making it easier for him to continue drinking and avoid the natural repercussions of his drinking . Would you do this for a sober person or even have to think about doing it for a sober person? Then don't do it.
Boundaries...that is the first thing you need to put in place. If you like a clean, orderly home and living in something other than that makes you tense, then you get that done for YOU. You can get angry about his non participation in domestic chores, but that will get you no where. I would however, bag up his belongings if he left them lying about and tell him, I put the stuff you left in the den in that bag by your closet!
When he is sober, you can discuss your expectations with regards to his taking care of himself. For example, his laundry and his meals are up to him if that is what you would like. His drinking is his choice but your being company when he is drunk is your choice. That means your deciding to sleep, dine, or entertain yourself separately from him when he is drunk is your right. It is as simple as stating' "I love you. Unfortunately, when you are drunk, I just don't enjoy your company. If you choose to drink, just understand that you are going to have to do it alone. Please don't put pressure on me to be in your bed or hang out with you when you are drinking. I am just not happy in that situation and I want you to respect that."
You enable him by letting his life with your company continue when he is drinking. Why does he get to have your company when he is drunk? I made my decisions based on: would I accept this behavior from him sober? No, then I am not accepting it because he is drinking. Can I expect this every time he is drunk? Yes, then I am not going to spend time with him drunk.
When my husband was an active alcoholic, I had to learn to run my life for me and the kids, and not for him. I was a stay at home mom at the time. I got up, took care of the kids. I would wake him like any normal spouse might if I thought he was sleeping in, but only once. I cleaned the house, but did not clean up anything related to his alcohol. This was hard with children who I did not want to see a mess. Sometimes I would move it aside to locations they would not run into but he would. If he spilled something the night before, I would leave it. If he fell asleep on the deck, I would let him wake up there when he was ready.
I made dinner for the family. I served it. If he ate with us, fine. If he did not, leftovers were in the fridge. If he fell asleep while we ate, I let the kids laugh at how tired dad was. His lunch? My husband bought lunch at work. Not an issue for me. I would just make sure you weren't surprising or punishing him with this. Just let him know that you were no longer making his lunch if you don't want to do it. Don't make it something you are rewarding him with if he is on good behavior. Cut the tie to his drinking. Do it, or don't.
Alanon was a life line for me. I learned what my enabling behaviors were and how to set boundaries. Eventually a boundary might be not living with someone who is drunk. That takes time. You need to start smaller and get your sanity back.
He is not going to like your pulling away enablers. That is actually a good thing. Life as an active alcoholic should not be easy. As a spouse, it is so hard because when he loses his job, you and your children lose the financial stability. If he drinks and drives, the repercussions are felt by the whole family. But running around trying to put out the fires he is creating only puts off the inevitable. Accept that the worst outcome might happen and plan now for what you are going to do. Let him know you are there to help him if he wants to quit. Then carry on. This was probably way too much about me and not enough focused on you . Apologies...just want you to know YOU are NOT ALONE. Also, ALANON is not just a place where we share sob stories, it is a place where so many people have learned how to go from where you are now, to leading a really good life. Keep posting and people will help you here.
I am sure you realize your name alone indicates an enabler. Covering for your alcoholic is a big way to enable.
Hello there! Enable: Making it easier for him to continue drinking and avoid the natural repercussions of his drinking . Would you do this for a sober person or even have to think about doing it for a sober person? Then don't do it.
Boundaries...that is the first thing you need to put in place. If you like a clean, orderly home and living in something other than that makes you tense, then you get that done for YOU. You can get angry about his non participation in domestic chores, but that will get you no where. I would however, bag up his belongings if he left them lying about and tell him, I put the stuff you left in the den in that bag by your closet!
When he is sober, you can discuss your expectations with regards to his taking care of himself. For example, his laundry and his meals are up to him if that is what you would like. His drinking is his choice but your being company when he is drunk is your choice. That means your deciding to sleep, dine, or entertain yourself separately from him when he is drunk is your right. It is as simple as stating' "I love you. Unfortunately, when you are drunk, I just don't enjoy your company. If you choose to drink, just understand that you are going to have to do it alone. Please don't put pressure on me to be in your bed or hang out with you when you are drinking. I am just not happy in that situation and I want you to respect that."
You enable him by letting his life with your company continue when he is drinking. Why does he get to have your company when he is drunk? I made my decisions based on: would I accept this behavior from him sober? No, then I am not accepting it because he is drinking. Can I expect this every time he is drunk? Yes, then I am not going to spend time with him drunk.
When my husband was an active alcoholic, I had to learn to run my life for me and the kids, and not for him. I was a stay at home mom at the time. I got up, took care of the kids. I would wake him like any normal spouse might if I thought he was sleeping in, but only once. I cleaned the house, but did not clean up anything related to his alcohol. This was hard with children who I did not want to see a mess. Sometimes I would move it aside to locations they would not run into but he would. If he spilled something the night before, I would leave it. If he fell asleep on the deck, I would let him wake up there when he was ready.
I made dinner for the family. I served it. If he ate with us, fine. If he did not, leftovers were in the fridge. If he fell asleep while we ate, I let the kids laugh at how tired dad was. His lunch? My husband bought lunch at work. Not an issue for me. I would just make sure you weren't surprising or punishing him with this. Just let him know that you were no longer making his lunch if you don't want to do it. Don't make it something you are rewarding him with if he is on good behavior. Cut the tie to his drinking. Do it, or don't.
Alanon was a life line for me. I learned what my enabling behaviors were and how to set boundaries. Eventually a boundary might be not living with someone who is drunk. That takes time. You need to start smaller and get your sanity back.
He is not going to like your pulling away enablers. That is actually a good thing. Life as an active alcoholic should not be easy. As a spouse, it is so hard because when he loses his job, you and your children lose the financial stability. If he drinks and drives, the repercussions are felt by the whole family. But running around trying to put out the fires he is creating only puts off the inevitable. Accept that the worst outcome might happen and plan now for what you are going to do. Let him know you are there to help him if he wants to quit. Then carry on. This was probably way too much about me and not enough focused on you . Apologies...just want you to know YOU are NOT ALONE. Also, ALANON is not just a place where we share sob stories, it is a place where so many people have learned how to go from where you are now, to leading a really good life. Keep posting and people will help you here.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Castro Valley, CA
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by alwayscovering 
I went to al anon a few times when we lived on the east coast I was just never comfortable there. I am trying to get into a celebrate recovery group. I'm willing to try that.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
No thank you LizaJane this is what I needed to know. I'm a details person.
I don't mind making breakfast or lunch, not at all-I'm doing it for everyone else anyway. I just didn't know if I should be forcing him to do for himself.
I've explained to him when sober that I don't like him when he's drinking and have zero desire to spend time with him. Now I just leave the house I can go to his mom's or my mom's or his aunt's house.
I have to clean up because the chaos from a messy house gives me anxiety. I still haven't decided if that's pathetic or not. LOL If I don't clean up, the mess will get worse and then I will explode due to my own anxiety and then I look and feel like a crazy person.
I don't want to punish him. I want to make his life hard so he will want to get help and stay sober.
I chose my screen name because when I joined that's what I was doing. I didn't know I was enabling. I was always covering for him. Now when I show up to things without him I tell him he's drunk and I didn't want to bring him. I let him miss stuff and I don't remind him of anything because why bother?
I don't mind making breakfast or lunch, not at all-I'm doing it for everyone else anyway. I just didn't know if I should be forcing him to do for himself.
I've explained to him when sober that I don't like him when he's drinking and have zero desire to spend time with him. Now I just leave the house I can go to his mom's or my mom's or his aunt's house.
I have to clean up because the chaos from a messy house gives me anxiety. I still haven't decided if that's pathetic or not. LOL If I don't clean up, the mess will get worse and then I will explode due to my own anxiety and then I look and feel like a crazy person.
I don't want to punish him. I want to make his life hard so he will want to get help and stay sober.
I chose my screen name because when I joined that's what I was doing. I didn't know I was enabling. I was always covering for him. Now when I show up to things without him I tell him he's drunk and I didn't want to bring him. I let him miss stuff and I don't remind him of anything because why bother?
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I also dislike clutter, chaos, and disorganization.....so I have this compulsion to organize, clean, and de-clutter things. However, this is hard when you live with someone who is basically lacking in organization skills! I know it's not that they aren't intelligent...most likely they are like absent minded professors.....So, what to do. Well, some of it I've just had to let go or drive myself and everyone crazy. I have my own "zones"....and these are areas of my life and my house that I keep organized....no one touches those areas. Period. They know better. It's a boundary.
My best piece of advice is try to set healthy boundaries.
My best piece of advice is try to set healthy boundaries.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
When H was drinking I did almost everything for the household. Now that he is sober I do 'almost' everything. It took my husband probably two months and him repeatedly asking me,"When did you start bringing a lunch to work?" to remember I bring in a lunch. He now not only takes a roll out but slices it open for me. It takes repeated exposures before some people get it. I don't think it's about making him uncomfortable as much as realizing the old ways of doing things will be different.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 78
Totally get what you're saying!
I really identified with your question!
I wasn't enabling in the perfect stereotypical way, so I was confused and it too.
I have recently learned that it wasn't about what I was DOING.....it was about what I wasn't doing. Consequences! There were no consequences resulting from his drinking! He was feeling no discomfort other than guilt/shame, which apparently were not enough. Also as an aside, my husband is a combat veteran and most definitely has PTSD. He isn't seeking treatment because he fears he'll lose his current job. But the alcoholism is because of the PTSD. So....yeah.
Anyway, about consequences....
He is just over 90 days sober. He has never gotten this far. It's great that he has made it past 90 days but I'm always waiting for the next time.
Should there be a next time...
I actually have a plan.
I already have a bag packed for me and our three children. It's in the storage compartment under the floor of our van, ready to go. We'll be ready to have a sleepover at Grandma's house should the need arise.
Which brings me to.... you definitely need a support system. I'm going to check out celebrate recovery also!
I'm actually having the big talk tomorrow with my parents about everything. They don't know about any of this. Since they're a huge part of my contingency plan, they have to know, otherwise they could be blindsided and that's not good. I don't know if that was helpful, but I really identified with you when you mentioned he has PTSD and is a veteran.
I wasn't enabling in the perfect stereotypical way, so I was confused and it too.
I have recently learned that it wasn't about what I was DOING.....it was about what I wasn't doing. Consequences! There were no consequences resulting from his drinking! He was feeling no discomfort other than guilt/shame, which apparently were not enough. Also as an aside, my husband is a combat veteran and most definitely has PTSD. He isn't seeking treatment because he fears he'll lose his current job. But the alcoholism is because of the PTSD. So....yeah.
Anyway, about consequences....
He is just over 90 days sober. He has never gotten this far. It's great that he has made it past 90 days but I'm always waiting for the next time.
Should there be a next time...
I actually have a plan.
I already have a bag packed for me and our three children. It's in the storage compartment under the floor of our van, ready to go. We'll be ready to have a sleepover at Grandma's house should the need arise.
Which brings me to.... you definitely need a support system. I'm going to check out celebrate recovery also!
I'm actually having the big talk tomorrow with my parents about everything. They don't know about any of this. Since they're a huge part of my contingency plan, they have to know, otherwise they could be blindsided and that's not good. I don't know if that was helpful, but I really identified with you when you mentioned he has PTSD and is a veteran.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Posts: 414
Thank you. I do have a bag packed. I did it this morning actually and it's the trunk of my car. We went to the VA...it didn't work quite like the lady at the VA told me it would but whatever. He can do what he wants. I can't do it anymore.
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