Day 15— there are Ups, and there are Downs
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Day 15— there are Ups, and there are Downs
Little down right now. But not turning to the bottle. Have to learn to deal with life as it comes at me. AA is helping. My sponsor that is. Really good guy. Honestly, I don’t have the desire or strength to go through another bout of endless drinking, and then the withdrawal and all that comes with starting over. Emotionally spent right now.
Hope everyone is well. Keep at it y’all.
Hope everyone is well. Keep at it y’all.
15 days is great Horn. I know what you mean - I'm also down right now, but playing the tape forward, I can visualize how 'down' I'll really feel. Keeping on is the only way. Hang in there! Rooting for you!
Not having to go through the pain of quitting again was a motivation for me in my first month or so this time around. Other, more inspiring motivators have evolved since then. But that's a good one to recognize.
Congrats on 15, glad to see you here.
Congrats on 15, glad to see you here.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
In the beginning for me, I had more downs than ups. Seemed the booze had a bigger grip on me than I cared to admit. At the same time I was faced with some medical issues that no doubt were borne out of drinking. Is drinking worth ruining your health? I have so much to live for that I really had to kick my own butt to work through to the other side. Ride this storm out and things should ease up for you. Keep posting, we totally understand where you are. My biggest problem is isolating, which is not good. Hopefully you have a family and friend support system in place as that will help.
Hang in there Horn, it does get better.
Hang in there Horn, it does get better.
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The thing I am down about is that as I am quitting drinking,, my wife is increasing hers. She is also spending more times with her friends, because, alas, I am no fun at a bar. I fee like we are drifting apart.
I am 49 y/o. I don’t want another divorce. And I am horrified at the thought of being alone at my age. Of course, there is the nasty detail of me loving her very much.
I hate feeling this way. I don’t know up from down. Is it in my head or is my perception real? I so want to have peace and serenity. But I want it with my wife. Not alone.
I guess I am self-pity’ing
I am 49 y/o. I don’t want another divorce. And I am horrified at the thought of being alone at my age. Of course, there is the nasty detail of me loving her very much.
I hate feeling this way. I don’t know up from down. Is it in my head or is my perception real? I so want to have peace and serenity. But I want it with my wife. Not alone.
I guess I am self-pity’ing
Congrats on 15 Days, Horn!
In early sobriety I wanted Mrs Nons to be my distraction. I didn't know how to entertain myself, so I wanted her to provide me with entertainment and distractions so I wouldn't wallow around in my self-made pity party. Sometimes she was up for that, sometimes she was not. She had become fairly good at amusing herself in the evenings while I was getting drunk in the other room, and I was definitely cramping her style. She left me home alone a few nights a week so she could get a break from me.
That's how I found peace and serenity. Not with her, but on my own. I don't think I could have found it with her. She is a lovely person, but neither peaceful nor serene. If I want those things I go in the other room and meditate.
Hang in there, Horn! Your mind still has a lot of toxins in it. Get rid of all those and your path to serenity just might become more clear!
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
That's how I found peace and serenity. Not with her, but on my own. I don't think I could have found it with her. She is a lovely person, but neither peaceful nor serene. If I want those things I go in the other room and meditate.
Hang in there, Horn! Your mind still has a lot of toxins in it. Get rid of all those and your path to serenity just might become more clear!
Best of Luck on Your Journey!
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Your perception is real Horn. I hear what you are saying, however you know that relationships take participation, investment and respect from both sides. You might explore codependency to the point you are aware of healthy boundaries, where your effort and expectations count, and what healthy communication is in relating what you feel. Please don't feel guilt and remorse for asking for what you need out of this relationship but review (codependent) behaviors for more as a guidance to where you are at.
If your wife's age difference is very different from yours, this could have some bearing on where she is at socially. Maybe she is enjoying your sobriety to take advantage of you watching the children while she plays knowing she doesn't have t worry about you now? Nonsensical has some very astute observations from his perspective as well. We're here to support you in any way we can, collectively we can help you get through this.
If your wife's age difference is very different from yours, this could have some bearing on where she is at socially. Maybe she is enjoying your sobriety to take advantage of you watching the children while she plays knowing she doesn't have t worry about you now? Nonsensical has some very astute observations from his perspective as well. We're here to support you in any way we can, collectively we can help you get through this.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Hang tight, Horn! Maybe 9-1-1 to your sponsor is in order? You certainly need some support here, I hope you can let the storm blow over and absorb yourself into a project or diversion (anything but picking up a drink). Work through this, you can do it.
Nonsensical's words of wisdom:
"That's how I found peace and serenity. Not with her, but on my own. I don't think I could have found it with her. She is a lovely person, but neither peaceful nor serene. If I want those things I go in the other room and meditate.
Hang in there, Horn! Your mind still has a lot of toxins in it. Get rid of all those and your path to serenity just might become more clear!"
Good luck, and check back often if you need to~
Nonsensical's words of wisdom:
"That's how I found peace and serenity. Not with her, but on my own. I don't think I could have found it with her. She is a lovely person, but neither peaceful nor serene. If I want those things I go in the other room and meditate.
Hang in there, Horn! Your mind still has a lot of toxins in it. Get rid of all those and your path to serenity just might become more clear!"
Good luck, and check back often if you need to~
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
You can't expect another person to be 'in' sobriety with you. Unless that person is also in recovery. That was one of the biggest/last 'selfish things' regarding my drinking that I let go of. My exgf and myself parted ways. We were no longer in the same frame of mind and it didn't work for me if I wanted to remain sober. Sure I could have kept drinking with her for a while longer, continued OUR/my downward spiral and I'm 92% sure we would have just wasted that much more of each other's time and it would have ended anyways. Not saying your relationship is going to end,BUT it's not her responsibility to 'hold your hand' in staying sober. That's fully on you.
You need to separate the absolute necessity of you getting and staying sober from your relationship with your wife. Although she may make things harder or easier, it is not her road to walk - it's yours.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Once you get some serious time behind you, "come hell or high water" no matter what happens, you'll be that much more clear headed and focused on what's the best course of sober action to take in any given situation. You just have to take the bad with the good and see where you're at **IF** an event happens. Being blind drunk will get YOU nowhere fast(er).
This us not the best things will get Horn. 2 weeks is great but it is two weeks.
I know you feel insecure and probably a little guilty but there's no need to sound the alarm just yet.
Early recovery is rough.
You and your wife will have to negotiate a few rapids before things even out again after a few months.
Try and keep the faith. Reach out to your real life supports as well to stay grounded.
D
I know you feel insecure and probably a little guilty but there's no need to sound the alarm just yet.
Early recovery is rough.
You and your wife will have to negotiate a few rapids before things even out again after a few months.
Try and keep the faith. Reach out to your real life supports as well to stay grounded.
D
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Horn.
When I met my husband, he had been sober eight years. I was at the end of my drinking and abusing a slide load of prescription drugs. He was living a sober life in all of his affairs. I was nuttier than nuts. I detected that there was something different about him. I've always said - and in retrospect - he had peace, and that's all I ever wanted, peace and contentment. He carried himself with dignity, self-respect, he had humility, and he treated me the way he felt about himself. We dated one year, two months, and then I picked up a desire chip because I wanted that peace he had found. He was 54 and I was 48. That man carried the message of hope to me. I've heard in meetings that we may be the only copy of a Big Book somebody ever sees. I met my first husband - of 19 years - in a bar, and I didn't want to be divorced either, but neither of us sought help for our drinking. I'd blame him and he'd blame me. We never could put the focus where the root of the problem was, and that was that we were alcoholics. If you choose to keep doing what you're doing, you never know, your wife might just join you in your journey. It breaks my heart that you're in such pain. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
When I met my husband, he had been sober eight years. I was at the end of my drinking and abusing a slide load of prescription drugs. He was living a sober life in all of his affairs. I was nuttier than nuts. I detected that there was something different about him. I've always said - and in retrospect - he had peace, and that's all I ever wanted, peace and contentment. He carried himself with dignity, self-respect, he had humility, and he treated me the way he felt about himself. We dated one year, two months, and then I picked up a desire chip because I wanted that peace he had found. He was 54 and I was 48. That man carried the message of hope to me. I've heard in meetings that we may be the only copy of a Big Book somebody ever sees. I met my first husband - of 19 years - in a bar, and I didn't want to be divorced either, but neither of us sought help for our drinking. I'd blame him and he'd blame me. We never could put the focus where the root of the problem was, and that was that we were alcoholics. If you choose to keep doing what you're doing, you never know, your wife might just join you in your journey. It breaks my heart that you're in such pain. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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