PunkieSpunk

I am trying to find the light on a bomb that was just dropped on me, hopefully someone has some insight or common experience with this.

So I live in GA, and my AW is currently at a recovery center in FL. She has been there for two weeks and told me earlier that she wanted to pursue a sober living facility once she finishes these 30 days. I support that decision, and support her with it. However, we talked again this evening and she told me she wanted to go to a sober living facility in California. Now, I live in GA and California is you know, on the other side of the United States, which makes it difficult to take part with her in sobriety as flying would be the only option, and it isn't like I can fly out there every weekend.

I asked her why California and she said so she can get away and won't have the ability to just come rushing back to me if she starts to fall through, she said our marriage is toxic, abusive and everything else. My question is, has anyone else experienced something similar to this with a recovering spouse or family? Is she just running through every emotion under the un? The thoughts that they just want to go away and up and leave everything. I am trying to find some light in this, but the more I think about it, the less I see and there more I see that this marriage is probably over. And at the end of it all she said, "Man I am gonna miss Koda" (our dog) then told me she Loved Me. I just feel lost right now.

Why can't she just go somewhere closer where I could take part in counseling with her, when she is ready? I mean I'd take a 14 hour drive every other weekend over California which is not the easiest to just up and jump to.

honeypig

I'm not going to speculate on her reasons for wanting to go to a sober living facility far away--she may indeed be doing what some call "the geographical solution"--but I do want to say this to you: Her recovery is hers. You are not "part of it" whether you are 3 blocks away or 3000 miles. While you may think, and she may even tell you, that you are an integral part of her recovery, it's simply not so. People get sober even after they've lost everything. There is nothing that is necessary for recovery other than the desire to recover and the willingness to do the hard, hard work that that entails--no other person, no specific situation, no perfect place, nothing magic.

SR is a great source of support for you, as is Alanon. I suggest you take care of yourself and leave her to manage her own recovery.

I hope you can take some time to read around the forums here, and make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. Welcome to SR.

NYCDoglvr

While it's true that in early recovery (the first year) emotions are all over the place, what HoneyPig said is true: sobriety is a solo gig and she must find her own path. You can't go through counseling with her, she must do that alone.