New Here - A Brief Summary
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 4
New Here - A Brief Summary
Good Evening,
So this may our may not turn into a long read, but this is the first time I have actually reached out and talked about the struggles I have gone through with my AW. For right now I prefer talking on forums as the face to face in groups makes me ashamed and nervous. So this is a start.
My AW and I have been married for 10 years. We got married at a very young age, we literally got married on her 18th birthday and I am about to turn 30. I have known her since she was 14 years old, so we have practically grown up with each other. Shortly after being wed in the classy local courthouse, I realized that she was very fond of alcohol. She is Canadian and I am in the military, so alcohol was almost the norm around us. But during my first deployment she was drinking a lot, to the point that she got plastered at a friends and slept with another guy. When I came home and confronted her, some other events took place which lead to her going to rehab.. ultimately through this, she was diagnosed as bipolar and my world flipped upside down. She got out of rehab and didn't touch alcohol for maybe 2 months, however, the early untreated bipolar made things difficult. Time went on and she got counseling, meds, etc. but was slowly drinking again, having a beer here and there, which then lead to wine, which then lead to hard alcohol and thats when things would get out of hands. She would drink vodka (her drug of choice) almost everyday until ultimately she would lead herself to a hypermanic state mixed with alcohol and end up in a rehab again. This type of situation went on for a few years, more adultery and alcohol induced events. The thing is, she would get to the point where she would drink, do something stupid then wake up the next day and say she would never drink again.. as I was in the bathroom cleaning her vomit from the night before and covering up bruises and cuts that she would give me. Of course she would stay away from it for a brief period before it would start back up, always spiraling down the same path.
She is now in a recovery center again, but this time instead of doing 30 days and being done, she has brought up a sober living facility to me that she "says" she wants to go to. I say it that way because when you live with someone like this long enough, you learn not to believe everything, especially dealing when recovery until you see it happen. The thing is, I love her dearly, she is an amazing woman when she isn't drinking and when she is stable. Almost to good for me to be honest, but of course I have everyone in my background that is saying "i don't know why you put up with her crap?" Of course, none of these people have gone through an ounce of what I have lived or understand her illness and issues.
After this last situation, I said I was through, I even wrote her a letter spilling my heart out of how it made me feel and that I couldn't take it anymore about 3 days ago. But these last three days have been a rough one for me, with a lot of self reflection and wondering what I really want out of my life. And honestly, what I want right now is my AW. I have become co-dependent which I understand an am currently reaching out for help with that. But It dawned on me, what have I truly done to support her with her illness. And honestly, I can say I truly have been just as much as worthless to helping her as she was herself. I love her, and for the past 2 years our marriage has been very distant, very little communication and very little passion. The sex is amazing and we are both physically attracted to each other, and i think thats honestly what has been keeping us together, but this is come down to the fact that I have so much bottled up that I need to get out and truly understand before I can say I am done with this. I was an enabler, I would buy alcohol when she asked me, which, is not supportive at all. That is something I have realized as a failure on my part. This is mostly because I become accustom to this way of life with her.
Like I said, she is currently in recovery and plans on sober living.. and if she is truly putting her foot forward this time, then I want to be there for her. She is an amazing woman healthy, and to look back and regret that I walked away without actually "supporting" and doing what I should do to help her is something I cannot live with. If we grow apart through recovery, then so be it, at least I know I tried. And through all the ******** and crap I hear from people around me, I need to finally put them aside and block them out, for once. I want to put a foot forward and actually start getting support and learning and supporting here. So this is my start.
Sorry if this is kinda all over the place, like I said, this is a lot of emotion released at once. Hopefully with conversations I can break it down more.
So this may our may not turn into a long read, but this is the first time I have actually reached out and talked about the struggles I have gone through with my AW. For right now I prefer talking on forums as the face to face in groups makes me ashamed and nervous. So this is a start.
My AW and I have been married for 10 years. We got married at a very young age, we literally got married on her 18th birthday and I am about to turn 30. I have known her since she was 14 years old, so we have practically grown up with each other. Shortly after being wed in the classy local courthouse, I realized that she was very fond of alcohol. She is Canadian and I am in the military, so alcohol was almost the norm around us. But during my first deployment she was drinking a lot, to the point that she got plastered at a friends and slept with another guy. When I came home and confronted her, some other events took place which lead to her going to rehab.. ultimately through this, she was diagnosed as bipolar and my world flipped upside down. She got out of rehab and didn't touch alcohol for maybe 2 months, however, the early untreated bipolar made things difficult. Time went on and she got counseling, meds, etc. but was slowly drinking again, having a beer here and there, which then lead to wine, which then lead to hard alcohol and thats when things would get out of hands. She would drink vodka (her drug of choice) almost everyday until ultimately she would lead herself to a hypermanic state mixed with alcohol and end up in a rehab again. This type of situation went on for a few years, more adultery and alcohol induced events. The thing is, she would get to the point where she would drink, do something stupid then wake up the next day and say she would never drink again.. as I was in the bathroom cleaning her vomit from the night before and covering up bruises and cuts that she would give me. Of course she would stay away from it for a brief period before it would start back up, always spiraling down the same path.
She is now in a recovery center again, but this time instead of doing 30 days and being done, she has brought up a sober living facility to me that she "says" she wants to go to. I say it that way because when you live with someone like this long enough, you learn not to believe everything, especially dealing when recovery until you see it happen. The thing is, I love her dearly, she is an amazing woman when she isn't drinking and when she is stable. Almost to good for me to be honest, but of course I have everyone in my background that is saying "i don't know why you put up with her crap?" Of course, none of these people have gone through an ounce of what I have lived or understand her illness and issues.
After this last situation, I said I was through, I even wrote her a letter spilling my heart out of how it made me feel and that I couldn't take it anymore about 3 days ago. But these last three days have been a rough one for me, with a lot of self reflection and wondering what I really want out of my life. And honestly, what I want right now is my AW. I have become co-dependent which I understand an am currently reaching out for help with that. But It dawned on me, what have I truly done to support her with her illness. And honestly, I can say I truly have been just as much as worthless to helping her as she was herself. I love her, and for the past 2 years our marriage has been very distant, very little communication and very little passion. The sex is amazing and we are both physically attracted to each other, and i think thats honestly what has been keeping us together, but this is come down to the fact that I have so much bottled up that I need to get out and truly understand before I can say I am done with this. I was an enabler, I would buy alcohol when she asked me, which, is not supportive at all. That is something I have realized as a failure on my part. This is mostly because I become accustom to this way of life with her.
Like I said, she is currently in recovery and plans on sober living.. and if she is truly putting her foot forward this time, then I want to be there for her. She is an amazing woman healthy, and to look back and regret that I walked away without actually "supporting" and doing what I should do to help her is something I cannot live with. If we grow apart through recovery, then so be it, at least I know I tried. And through all the ******** and crap I hear from people around me, I need to finally put them aside and block them out, for once. I want to put a foot forward and actually start getting support and learning and supporting here. So this is my start.
Sorry if this is kinda all over the place, like I said, this is a lot of emotion released at once. Hopefully with conversations I can break it down more.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
I get it. Dr Jekyl is lovely, Mr. Hyde not so much. Welcome to SR! Thanks for sharing your story. I'll just say that you deserve a life of peace and happiness. You truly do-- and if that's with her, great. But if not, also great. You'll know what to do when you are ready.
I'm in the process of divorcing my AH. We've been married for 15 years, have 2 kids and some amazing time under our belts-- but I realized I cannot do this drama anymore. He is a shell of himself and that's sad. I hope he finds peace.
Keep us updated.
I'm in the process of divorcing my AH. We've been married for 15 years, have 2 kids and some amazing time under our belts-- but I realized I cannot do this drama anymore. He is a shell of himself and that's sad. I hope he finds peace.
Keep us updated.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Hillsboro Oregon
Posts: 154
P.S. All I can say is one decision at a time and one day at a time. Don't wait for the shoe to fall because it will. If you feel the need to give it one more try then give it all you have. If It doesn't work out you can at least be comfortable knowing that you gave it your best shot.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Welcome. I'm glad you have found us and it's great to get some stuff - frustrations - feelings out!! Sounds like that's been a long time coming...
Try to learn as much as you can about addiction and bi-polar illness. That's going to be a starting point in being supportive, etc.
There are support groups for almost everything these days, including loved ones of the mentally ill and addicts.
It sounds like you are knocking yourself for not being more supportive...try to be kind to yourself. You need to have some self compassion. Bi-polar is not an easy thing to understand, live with, and treat.
If she is not currently under good professional care for her mental illness I hope that she can start that soon.
Try to learn as much as you can about addiction and bi-polar illness. That's going to be a starting point in being supportive, etc.
There are support groups for almost everything these days, including loved ones of the mentally ill and addicts.
It sounds like you are knocking yourself for not being more supportive...try to be kind to yourself. You need to have some self compassion. Bi-polar is not an easy thing to understand, live with, and treat.
If she is not currently under good professional care for her mental illness I hope that she can start that soon.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Welcome. You sound like you are really self-aware and conscious that you are in a process of deciding how you are going to handle a situation which you can't change (your wife will drink or not drink regardless of anything you do). It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. I'm very sorry for the pain you must be experiencing seeing someone you love make bad choices over and over.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Welcome. If she has bipolar, I hope she is in a dual diagnosis facility to help her? Sober living is likely a good idea.
Bipolar is very hard to deal with, and you can never, ever, drink. Her being in a sober living facility will give her time to grasp her own recovery, or not. It will also give you space to get your own life and support system in order.
Bipolar is very hard to deal with, and you can never, ever, drink. Her being in a sober living facility will give her time to grasp her own recovery, or not. It will also give you space to get your own life and support system in order.
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