The Umpteenth Time is My LAST Time
Crazy Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 10
The Umpteenth Time is My LAST Time
I've quit a bunch of times before. Swore "that's it, I'm done ... I'm not drinking ... I gotta stop ... " Blah, blah, blah.
I'm not comfortable with the term "alcoholic" ... but I'm a binge drinker. Drink like crazy for a week (or three) then stop for two or three weeks, then something would set me off and rinse, repeat. My problems have always been stress/anxiety compounded with a slightly compulsive nature and standard middle class concerns about $$$ (and I pay the bills in the house) ... plenty of times I'd sit down to the computer to do the monthly bills with a drink in my hand. So, yeah, self medication. The money thing is a real bugger but the fact is, I can find any old excuse to drink, happy/sad/angry/relaxed ... you get the point. I'd hit that 14 or 21 day mark and I'd think "Hey, I'm feeling good now, one little glass of wine/beer/shot won't do any harm." But the fact is, one isn't enough and 1,000 is too many.
I can't drink moderately. I just can't. Couldn't smoke moderately, either. If you can't moderate a behavior then you end up going to one extreme or the other. In my case, the extreme is literally drinking nonstop most of my waking hours, then not drinking at all.
Well, thanks to increasing problems with my GI tract due to alcoholic gastritis, I've only got one option left to me. I can't drink, period. Liver pain didn't stop me, increasingly bad lab values for certain studies, nope. My blood pressure doing a slow upward creep ... having the shakes at the end of a binge, heart palpitations, insomnia ... none of that slowed me down.
Diarrhea for six weeks, now that'll make you take notice.
I tried AA a handful of years ago but it just doesn't work for me (makes me want a drink, seriously). I found Rational Recovery and it resonates. So between that, hopefully this forum, my little Sober Tool app, and just plain cussedness I'm going to put on my big girl panties and suck it up. I am doing one thing different from all my other "quits", I'm actually telling people (well, my husband, my best friend, this forum), that I'm quitting. Sort of like saying it aloud is putting the intention out to the universe.
Today is one full week since I've touched alcohol. A week I've done so very many times before -- my big goal is seeing Day 30. Oh, and losing some weight. Alcohol has really sabotaged me with that and I could stand to drop a few pounds because of osteoarthritis. So kind of using the weight thing as an additional incentive ...
Anyway, just wanted to say Hi and thanks for listening :-)
CCL
(crazy cat lady)
I'm not comfortable with the term "alcoholic" ... but I'm a binge drinker. Drink like crazy for a week (or three) then stop for two or three weeks, then something would set me off and rinse, repeat. My problems have always been stress/anxiety compounded with a slightly compulsive nature and standard middle class concerns about $$$ (and I pay the bills in the house) ... plenty of times I'd sit down to the computer to do the monthly bills with a drink in my hand. So, yeah, self medication. The money thing is a real bugger but the fact is, I can find any old excuse to drink, happy/sad/angry/relaxed ... you get the point. I'd hit that 14 or 21 day mark and I'd think "Hey, I'm feeling good now, one little glass of wine/beer/shot won't do any harm." But the fact is, one isn't enough and 1,000 is too many.
I can't drink moderately. I just can't. Couldn't smoke moderately, either. If you can't moderate a behavior then you end up going to one extreme or the other. In my case, the extreme is literally drinking nonstop most of my waking hours, then not drinking at all.
Well, thanks to increasing problems with my GI tract due to alcoholic gastritis, I've only got one option left to me. I can't drink, period. Liver pain didn't stop me, increasingly bad lab values for certain studies, nope. My blood pressure doing a slow upward creep ... having the shakes at the end of a binge, heart palpitations, insomnia ... none of that slowed me down.
Diarrhea for six weeks, now that'll make you take notice.
I tried AA a handful of years ago but it just doesn't work for me (makes me want a drink, seriously). I found Rational Recovery and it resonates. So between that, hopefully this forum, my little Sober Tool app, and just plain cussedness I'm going to put on my big girl panties and suck it up. I am doing one thing different from all my other "quits", I'm actually telling people (well, my husband, my best friend, this forum), that I'm quitting. Sort of like saying it aloud is putting the intention out to the universe.
Today is one full week since I've touched alcohol. A week I've done so very many times before -- my big goal is seeing Day 30. Oh, and losing some weight. Alcohol has really sabotaged me with that and I could stand to drop a few pounds because of osteoarthritis. So kind of using the weight thing as an additional incentive ...
Anyway, just wanted to say Hi and thanks for listening :-)
CCL
(crazy cat lady)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Congrats on your week. Sounds like you have a plan. RR gave me some tools as well, but in the end it's all in me to decide not to drink ever again. No plan, no resource, no one can do that for us.
Welcome to SR.
Welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 87
Sounds like me.
I would go 1,2,3 months without drinking and then I would drink and “party” heavily for 5-10 days and hate myself after.
In the back of my mind before I drink I know I don’t want to but the rationalizations hit me - be social, just a couple, it doesn’t work.
I feel very grateful in a way that on these benders ive dodged the worst bullets due to stupid behavior (legal issues, getting hurt, etc) but I know if I continue one of these benders I’ll get hit so to speak. With that, my motivation on my current non drinking stretch is that coupled with the positive motivation of what a clean life brings me and I know does from my prior sober stretches. I find a negative and a positive motivator together help.
I also coupled heavy smoking with drinking and never really smoked outside of drinking. That said for times that I do, I switched to “vaping” and am looking to taper off that as well, at least nicotine most likely will not ruin your life (like alcohol).
I may try RR as I’m like you and don’t necessarily like the term alcoholic (I respect anyone who does) and do not resonate with AA (I respect it and everything it has done for people).
My current clean streak like you I’m determined to keep going and have plans in place which I didnt have before. Good luck!
PS: for people like us, I believe a big part of it is closing the door behind us. No “maybe” I’ll drink at the party, “maybe” I can have a couple, but committing in your mind to “I will” respect my best selfs potential and not drink, no matter what.
I would go 1,2,3 months without drinking and then I would drink and “party” heavily for 5-10 days and hate myself after.
In the back of my mind before I drink I know I don’t want to but the rationalizations hit me - be social, just a couple, it doesn’t work.
I feel very grateful in a way that on these benders ive dodged the worst bullets due to stupid behavior (legal issues, getting hurt, etc) but I know if I continue one of these benders I’ll get hit so to speak. With that, my motivation on my current non drinking stretch is that coupled with the positive motivation of what a clean life brings me and I know does from my prior sober stretches. I find a negative and a positive motivator together help.
I also coupled heavy smoking with drinking and never really smoked outside of drinking. That said for times that I do, I switched to “vaping” and am looking to taper off that as well, at least nicotine most likely will not ruin your life (like alcohol).
I may try RR as I’m like you and don’t necessarily like the term alcoholic (I respect anyone who does) and do not resonate with AA (I respect it and everything it has done for people).
My current clean streak like you I’m determined to keep going and have plans in place which I didnt have before. Good luck!
PS: for people like us, I believe a big part of it is closing the door behind us. No “maybe” I’ll drink at the party, “maybe” I can have a couple, but committing in your mind to “I will” respect my best selfs potential and not drink, no matter what.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 298
I wasn't comfortable calling myself an alcoholic either. I was "just" a binge-drinker too. That allowed me to always find an excuse.
I am an alcoholic. I can't drink, or I will die. I had to address alcoholism by confronting my fear of that word, that label, and learning about the cause and effect. I had to change my life, completely. Little by little, but constant. That is the only way it worked for me.
I am an alcoholic. I can't drink, or I will die. I had to address alcoholism by confronting my fear of that word, that label, and learning about the cause and effect. I had to change my life, completely. Little by little, but constant. That is the only way it worked for me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 135
I’m the same. I once went 3 years without a drop. I ran races. I was the thinnest I’ve ever been. But when I binge I demolish everything in 2 weeks. My house gets destroyed, I get more depressed and anxious.
I can’t even get out of bed right now. At parents, thank God they are helping me and watching my son.
So proud of you. Don’t ever go back to this. It is pure hell.
Stay safe and sober.
I can’t even get out of bed right now. At parents, thank God they are helping me and watching my son.
So proud of you. Don’t ever go back to this. It is pure hell.
Stay safe and sober.
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