Answer message or not - probably stupid question
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Answer message or not - probably stupid question
Hello everyone
I haven't posted in a long time. After a difficult relationship and breakup with xabf I've done my best to maintain NC. And it worked wonders, it hasn't been too hard for me to move on with my life. Now I'm still amazed at all the nonsense, conflict and abuse I put up with when we were together.
Now, more than two years later I received a message from him, both on WhatsApp and Facebook. He just said "hi" but it made me very uncomfotable. I can imagine me replying, then a longer conversation, let's catch up and me getting tangled up by his needs and demands again.
My instinct is not to answer at all, is this a good idea?
Or is it better, braver, to give some kind of explanation?
This is probably a very stupid question but find I'm not too good at just ignoring someone - although I know I have every right not to want to have any contact with him ever again.
I have every right not to like him anymore!
Still, it feels strange to put up boundaries and protect myself. I feel like it's not very polite and that I'm being too difficult, respecting my feelings.
Can anyone relate?
Would love some advice.
I haven't posted in a long time. After a difficult relationship and breakup with xabf I've done my best to maintain NC. And it worked wonders, it hasn't been too hard for me to move on with my life. Now I'm still amazed at all the nonsense, conflict and abuse I put up with when we were together.
Now, more than two years later I received a message from him, both on WhatsApp and Facebook. He just said "hi" but it made me very uncomfotable. I can imagine me replying, then a longer conversation, let's catch up and me getting tangled up by his needs and demands again.
My instinct is not to answer at all, is this a good idea?
Or is it better, braver, to give some kind of explanation?
This is probably a very stupid question but find I'm not too good at just ignoring someone - although I know I have every right not to want to have any contact with him ever again.
I have every right not to like him anymore!
Still, it feels strange to put up boundaries and protect myself. I feel like it's not very polite and that I'm being too difficult, respecting my feelings.
Can anyone relate?
Would love some advice.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
My gut instinct: (I'm not familiar with your back story) don't respond. I don't think you want to get back into that kind of territory with him again, do you? No, it's not a stupid question. If you were my daughter or anyone I care about, this is probably the same answer I'd give.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 539
You need to make a choice here...block or respond. I would block. Sending HI is just a feeler to open something bigger. Why would you want to know when he sends a HI if you wish to ignore? You had a good reason for NC. Two years later he seems not to have moved on, that is not good. I would keep NC. This is very different than bumping into him and being polite.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
I can relate as I am in the "polite" group. For instance I wouldn't go no contact with someone without saying, I think we shouldn't speak for a time (which then is not up for discussion).
I went back and read your threads. In absolutely NO way are you being rude by not replying.
He was (maybe still is) totally unstable, in denial about his drinking, verbally abusive and the last real contact you had with him besides some odd phone calls was him ranting and raving at you on your birthday! He then thought you had come back over, in the middle of the night so decided to just not speak to you. Wth! He expected you to totally dismiss his erratic and abusive behaviour but he decides you snuck back in so stops speaking to you??
If he had hand written you a letter of apology and sent that along with some flowers, explaining his erratic behaviour and wanting to make amends to you AND had a couple of years of sobriety with a program in place - then yeah, I might meet him for coffee.
None of that is true. He was sitting there feeling lonely and decided to throw a hi out here to see if you would respond.
The only question that needs to be answered is, why would you?
I went back and read your threads. In absolutely NO way are you being rude by not replying.
He was (maybe still is) totally unstable, in denial about his drinking, verbally abusive and the last real contact you had with him besides some odd phone calls was him ranting and raving at you on your birthday! He then thought you had come back over, in the middle of the night so decided to just not speak to you. Wth! He expected you to totally dismiss his erratic and abusive behaviour but he decides you snuck back in so stops speaking to you??
If he had hand written you a letter of apology and sent that along with some flowers, explaining his erratic behaviour and wanting to make amends to you AND had a couple of years of sobriety with a program in place - then yeah, I might meet him for coffee.
None of that is true. He was sitting there feeling lonely and decided to throw a hi out here to see if you would respond.
The only question that needs to be answered is, why would you?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Correction, went back and read your threads and see that you did get back together again for a few months after the birthday incident after him not talking to you for what, a couple of weeks?
Then he abuses you again.
Then he abuses you again.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I agree.....I think that talking to him is going where Angels fear to tread...…
He is out fishing....seeing if you will bite....based on his needs and wants...not what your needs or welfare.
It is in your best welfare not to be in an abusive relationship....
Lol....I have been around, long enough to know that this is not what you hoped to hear...and, I know how flattering this is to you....and what an ego stroke it is. That is human nature, I think....
I'll bet that you are thinking, deep inside...."He still wants me! He still desired me! He finally sees how wonderful I really am, how special I am, and is probably really sorry that he missed out on me and let me go". "I'll bet he is so sorry that he has changed and willing to be a great boyfriend to me.".....
Could I be warm.....
I know that you will do what you really want to do...that is what all people end up doing....and, yes, that is your absolute right....
Here is one big stumbling block that I think people hit......There are two big deal breakers that turn the usual rules of human relationships upside down....a addiction and abuse.....These are two things that do not respect the needs of others....they are total self serving and narcissistic.....
Just know that if you engage with him....what will be coming down the line....
The responsibility of your decisions is resting in your own h ands.....
If you choose an action...you must be willing to accept the consequences.....
If you were my daughter,,,,you can guess what I would say...lol...
He is out fishing....seeing if you will bite....based on his needs and wants...not what your needs or welfare.
It is in your best welfare not to be in an abusive relationship....
Lol....I have been around, long enough to know that this is not what you hoped to hear...and, I know how flattering this is to you....and what an ego stroke it is. That is human nature, I think....
I'll bet that you are thinking, deep inside...."He still wants me! He still desired me! He finally sees how wonderful I really am, how special I am, and is probably really sorry that he missed out on me and let me go". "I'll bet he is so sorry that he has changed and willing to be a great boyfriend to me.".....
Could I be warm.....
I know that you will do what you really want to do...that is what all people end up doing....and, yes, that is your absolute right....
Here is one big stumbling block that I think people hit......There are two big deal breakers that turn the usual rules of human relationships upside down....a addiction and abuse.....These are two things that do not respect the needs of others....they are total self serving and narcissistic.....
Just know that if you engage with him....what will be coming down the line....
The responsibility of your decisions is resting in your own h ands.....
If you choose an action...you must be willing to accept the consequences.....
If you were my daughter,,,,you can guess what I would say...lol...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I have a younger (early 30's) friend who also frets tremendously about "being rude" if she blocks someone, even when she has good reason to do so. I have told her any number of times that SHE gets to decide who she interacts with and doesn't owe anyone anything, in terms of her time or attention.
I hope that some day, she'll believe that, and I hope that someday you'll believe it too, bluelily.
I hope that some day, she'll believe that, and I hope that someday you'll believe it too, bluelily.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I feel like it's not very polite and that I'm being too difficult.......
until i stopped giving a crap about other peoples' opinion of me, until i stopped trying to please everyone else, i stayed their captive.
if my ex sent me a message i would be polite to not respond.
much more polite than telling her she still hasnt gotten the clue to get lost and stf out of my life .
which that would be extremely polite over what id truly want to say.
until i stopped giving a crap about other peoples' opinion of me, until i stopped trying to please everyone else, i stayed their captive.
if my ex sent me a message i would be polite to not respond.
much more polite than telling her she still hasnt gotten the clue to get lost and stf out of my life .
which that would be extremely polite over what id truly want to say.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Thank you everyone for your replies, they really help a lot!
Last night I was so nervous I couldn't sleep for a long time. It's like my body is in alert-mode. I think I put up with too much too long, and now after all this time NC I can actually see that more clearly.
So no, I won't be answering his baits.
I can see the potential ego-boost of this situation and I think that is why I turned a blind eye on the abuse in the past. We had dated before when we were in college and he always had this discourse that he had never forgotten me and blah. That was supposed to be romantic, now I just find it creepy. I once found a file on his computer with pictures of me (taken from social media), he said "Oh, that's from when I was stalking you". Which I did not know how to feel about then. Now I'm just freaked out.
As for the polite thing. I've been thinking about that a lot, I think it has a lot to do with avoiding conflict. Don't make people feel uncomfortable so they don't respond negatively, so there is no possibility of conflict. This makes me feel like I'm a scared rabbit and that is why I always question myself when I don't face people directly and tell them "Listen I think you're an a**, go away".
The other thing I've been thinking about is how clueless he is. This is not the first time an ex bf showed up out of the blue after a bad breakup, pretending nothing's wrong. When things like that happen I wonder if I should explain, but then of course that would be like opening the door a bit. And then getting in a lot of trouble when they try to wriggle inside.
Anyway, I really like the idea of just not doing anything. It makes things so much easier.
Thanks again!
Last night I was so nervous I couldn't sleep for a long time. It's like my body is in alert-mode. I think I put up with too much too long, and now after all this time NC I can actually see that more clearly.
So no, I won't be answering his baits.
I can see the potential ego-boost of this situation and I think that is why I turned a blind eye on the abuse in the past. We had dated before when we were in college and he always had this discourse that he had never forgotten me and blah. That was supposed to be romantic, now I just find it creepy. I once found a file on his computer with pictures of me (taken from social media), he said "Oh, that's from when I was stalking you". Which I did not know how to feel about then. Now I'm just freaked out.
As for the polite thing. I've been thinking about that a lot, I think it has a lot to do with avoiding conflict. Don't make people feel uncomfortable so they don't respond negatively, so there is no possibility of conflict. This makes me feel like I'm a scared rabbit and that is why I always question myself when I don't face people directly and tell them "Listen I think you're an a**, go away".
The other thing I've been thinking about is how clueless he is. This is not the first time an ex bf showed up out of the blue after a bad breakup, pretending nothing's wrong. When things like that happen I wonder if I should explain, but then of course that would be like opening the door a bit. And then getting in a lot of trouble when they try to wriggle inside.
Anyway, I really like the idea of just not doing anything. It makes things so much easier.
Thanks again!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
blulily…...I think that the nidus of this kind of inner conflict may lie in the inadequate development of personal boundaries, during the developmental years....before, you even met your ex boyfriend....
Since one has to rely on boundaries for the rest of life....maybe, it would be a good idea to learn more about boundaries and how they impact your own personal life......same with self-esteem as well.....
I admit that I have not read all of your past threads....so I am not up to date on whether you are in any kind of therapy or have done any studying or learning along these lines.....
It couldn't hurt, though...because we all tend to operate in patterns and repeat those patterns, over and over, unless we learn and make changes....
I see this as a great opportunity, for you....
The following link to our library in the stickies is a good place to frequent
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
***Also...Don't be a stranger! It is always good to give back. Hanging around and sharing one's own story and giving support to others who are passing through a dark time is what makes SR such a great place....a great "shelter from the storm" for so many....
There is always more to give and more to receive......
Since one has to rely on boundaries for the rest of life....maybe, it would be a good idea to learn more about boundaries and how they impact your own personal life......same with self-esteem as well.....
I admit that I have not read all of your past threads....so I am not up to date on whether you are in any kind of therapy or have done any studying or learning along these lines.....
It couldn't hurt, though...because we all tend to operate in patterns and repeat those patterns, over and over, unless we learn and make changes....
I see this as a great opportunity, for you....
The following link to our library in the stickies is a good place to frequent
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
***Also...Don't be a stranger! It is always good to give back. Hanging around and sharing one's own story and giving support to others who are passing through a dark time is what makes SR such a great place....a great "shelter from the storm" for so many....
There is always more to give and more to receive......
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
It's not rude to say nothing. Being impolite would be responding with swearing, insults, and ALL CAPS. Saying nothing is just, well, nothing, Neither polite (in the "be a nice girl' sense) nor impolite.
The only benefit to you of responding might be the temporary ego boost (as you mentioned above) or feeding some curiosity about where he is and what he's doing. I am not judging these motives because I have them too, and have given in to them at various points. But the long-term bad effects have never been worth the short-term benefits.
The only benefit to you of responding might be the temporary ego boost (as you mentioned above) or feeding some curiosity about where he is and what he's doing. I am not judging these motives because I have them too, and have given in to them at various points. But the long-term bad effects have never been worth the short-term benefits.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so all he said was "hi" right?
you have no idea how many other people from his past or present he also says "hi" to.
in your NO contact he found a way thru.
delete and block.
i doubt he will be crushed or even affected.
you have no idea how many other people from his past or present he also says "hi" to.
in your NO contact he found a way thru.
delete and block.
i doubt he will be crushed or even affected.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I have contact with my exah and tho I have forgiven him I know after he has been over to see his sons I feel weird for days. He has also got his feet under the table with a group of people who were my friends at one time. I am glad I no longer depend on any of then cos he has basically taken them over. I would be happier with no contact and the above might not have happened if I had stayed nc . If you have no reason to answer the hi I wouldn't.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
"....................this is where the cowboy rides away.................."
It might seem like simple logic, but there are things in life that just aren't good for us or have just come to an end. It's fortunate when a person can just "ride away" from those kinds of things....even better when there doesn't have to been strings attached such as shared parenting. You "rode away" once and it sounds like that's been working good for you. Maybe you need to "ride away" again mentally. Just like that songs says to do. I love George Strait!
It might seem like simple logic, but there are things in life that just aren't good for us or have just come to an end. It's fortunate when a person can just "ride away" from those kinds of things....even better when there doesn't have to been strings attached such as shared parenting. You "rode away" once and it sounds like that's been working good for you. Maybe you need to "ride away" again mentally. Just like that songs says to do. I love George Strait!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Here Ya Go
"The Cowboy Rides Away"
I knew the stakes were high right from the start.
When she dealt the cards, I bet my heart.
Now I just found a game that I can't play,
And this is where the cowboy rides away.
[Chorus:]
And my heart is sinking like the setting sun,
Setting on the things I wish I'd done.
It's time to say goodbye to yesterday.
This is where the cowboy rides away.
We've been in and out of love and in-between.
And now we play the final showdown scene.
As the credits roll a sad song starts to play,
And this is where the cowboy rides away.
[Chorus:]
And my heart is sinking like a setting sun,
Setting on the things I wish I'd done.
Oh the last goodbye's the hardest one to say,
And this is where the cowboy rides away.
Oh the last goodbye's the hardest one to say.
This is where the cowboy rides away.
]
I knew the stakes were high right from the start.
When she dealt the cards, I bet my heart.
Now I just found a game that I can't play,
And this is where the cowboy rides away.
[Chorus:]
And my heart is sinking like the setting sun,
Setting on the things I wish I'd done.
It's time to say goodbye to yesterday.
This is where the cowboy rides away.
We've been in and out of love and in-between.
And now we play the final showdown scene.
As the credits roll a sad song starts to play,
And this is where the cowboy rides away.
[Chorus:]
And my heart is sinking like a setting sun,
Setting on the things I wish I'd done.
Oh the last goodbye's the hardest one to say,
And this is where the cowboy rides away.
Oh the last goodbye's the hardest one to say.
This is where the cowboy rides away.
]
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Guys, thanks so much for your feedback! And the image of the cowboy riding away made me smile, who wouldn´t want to be a cowboy (or -girl in this case)!
I was just thinking the other day his message was lame enough to just ignore, and how typical it was of him not to make any serious effort (like the example of sending me a hand-written letter) so he wouldn´t have to take any real responsibility. And how dare he think I was desperate enough to fall for his baiting and all that jazz. Was really working myself up into the anger you feel when you´re engaging with an alcoholic.
So then here´s an update: this morning he called me, just when I was sleeping in. Luckily I just hung up, didn´t even think about it because I was still half asleep. But now I´m worried this will go on, especially after reading some of the latest posts on this forum.
When I mentioned this to my mom (who has no experience whatsoever with alcoholics) she said perhaps I should send him a message explaining I couldn´t answer at that moment, just to be polite. So now I know where my niceness comes from.
But I´m guessing I shouldn´t give any explanations, right?
It is hard, though, and I tend to feel like I´m being mean. So I've been reminding myself of all the times he was abusive just to ward off any potential guilt. Which is not a very nice way to spend my sunday!
I really thought I was through with this, maybe this helps others to ride away asap from their As.
I was just thinking the other day his message was lame enough to just ignore, and how typical it was of him not to make any serious effort (like the example of sending me a hand-written letter) so he wouldn´t have to take any real responsibility. And how dare he think I was desperate enough to fall for his baiting and all that jazz. Was really working myself up into the anger you feel when you´re engaging with an alcoholic.
So then here´s an update: this morning he called me, just when I was sleeping in. Luckily I just hung up, didn´t even think about it because I was still half asleep. But now I´m worried this will go on, especially after reading some of the latest posts on this forum.
When I mentioned this to my mom (who has no experience whatsoever with alcoholics) she said perhaps I should send him a message explaining I couldn´t answer at that moment, just to be polite. So now I know where my niceness comes from.
But I´m guessing I shouldn´t give any explanations, right?
It is hard, though, and I tend to feel like I´m being mean. So I've been reminding myself of all the times he was abusive just to ward off any potential guilt. Which is not a very nice way to spend my sunday!
I really thought I was through with this, maybe this helps others to ride away asap from their As.
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