Pathwaytofree

I've been through a lot the past few years and I think I'm just completely drained and exhausted. I'd like to think it's the Zoloft making me so unmotivated, lazy, and procrastinating, but I'm not entirely sure that's it. I feel like my reserves are shot and I want to rebuild.

I know I need to push myself. But I just can't. I keep listening to the feelings that say I can't. It sucks. In the past, I've felt great when I exercise and eat well, but I just can't muster up the energy to do so.

I know I need to be more mentally strong. Leaving my AA home group and finding another one has helped a lot with that. And putting religion to the side for now has also helped. I need to focus on ME right now.

I'm interested in hearing suggestions and examples of how you push yourself and how you became mentally stronger.

sean0621

I think that answer could be different for everyone.

For me I had to do a lot of getting out of my comfort zone to figure out who I was. I found that in my case that I was lacking purpose and direction. When I felt like I had purpose I suddenly felt very motivated and started to feel like my life was moving forward, rather than in a constant emotional loop.

I read many books from many different sources. Just about any book became an exercise in spiritual growth and mental expansion. I read Christian books on being hurt, books on Buddhism, books on recovery, books on self help and even a few books on astrophysics really opened my mind.

I try to just notice my thoughts and emotions and make sure that my actions reflect mindful choices rather than rash decisions. That seems to be a great mental strengthening exercise.

I also give myself goals to look forward to. I'm working on a 2nd degree, so i'd classify that as long term. I'm almost finished re-flooring my house and I pick a few 5ks/half marathons/ultra-marathons and triathlons to run each year. These are my medium goals. Then can I get up every day this week and make my bed, meditate, write in my gratitude book and live the daily recovery plan I set up for myself.

Aside from having goals, I try not to live in the future either when it comes to goal setting. This can be a challenge, but if set correctly goals will enrich the present moment and bring me more focus and pleasure. If done incorrectly, i just look forward to getting to the finish line, which I've certainly done with the house remodeling a few times.

That being said I try to be as present minded as i can be and I do not fear failing when I set goals. In fact if I don't fail at something, it probably means I am not challenging myself enough. Failure is part of the learning process, it's life's greatest teacher. When i fail, i have learned not to judge myself harshly, but that I need more practice and i need to try again. I find that this has made me more confident and much stronger mentally and emotionally.

Lizajane

I have a hard time with inertia. I need to set goals and deadlines to get me moving. Work, school and my kids' schedule help me move forward. In the summer I don't work and everyday is a bit of a mental push to get off the couch. After day of getting nothing done I feel SOOOO guilty. So I make deals with myself...today I must X< Y and Z. If you get those done then you can ...A. Some sort of reward. I have weight loss goals and reading goals for the summer as well. I chart my progress to keep me moving.

MindfulMan

Therapy.

Pathwaytofree

Lol!

Seriously, though. I often feel like I've been doing therapy wrong all these years. Like I'm missing something. One of my friends in AA who started the step work with me at the same time, used to say the same thing. I feel like it's not structured enough, or concrete enough. I need it to be like school or something. More interactive. Tell me what I should be talking about.

I am not the type of person who can figure stuff out for myself, and that's what I hate most about therapy. I remember when my favorite therapist said "PTF, your answers are within." That made me angry, because the reason I go to therapy, is because I don't know the answers. I see now that isn't entirely true--I didn't trust myself to know them.

I can also way too easily get caught in the cycle of venting about my past, or as we call it in AA "analysis to paralysis". It gets me nowhere. For years, I was searching for validation that how a couple of family members treated me was not my fault and was abusive.

When I finally got it from my therapist, it helped me a lot. But therapists usually don't do that. They want YOU to validate yourself. I was unable to due to childhood crap. But now with a mixture of therapy and my step work, I am finally able to validate myself but it took a long time. And I wouldn't have been able to do it, had not my therapist done it for me first.

I remember having a therapist for a short time before he moved, who agreed to work through a workbook with me. I would've liked that.

Sometimes in therapy I jump from one topic to the next, either during a session or from week to week.

I guess maybe it'll be helpful more for me, now that I got the proper diagnosis of BP2. During my most difficult years, when I was in school for a career change and going through some major personal stuff, the stress was unbearable, but I couldn't just sit down and talk about it factually. I tried to either run away from it/deny it, or it got me so crazy anxious, that I'd just vent and talk a mile a minute in therapy, which was a huge waste of time, energy, and money. The therapist treated me like that's what I wanted to do in therapy, which is not true. I needed guidance in therapy. She'd sit there and say "Well it's your session". Ugh.

I can't stand when I say something and the therapist is quiet. It makes me nervous. When I'm nervous, I start to talk too much.

But then again, my last therapist used to talk too much for me. He was like me, he'd say too many words per thought. I had trouble following him. I'm not being picky, I'm just sharing my experience. He was a great therapist in many other ways, but I felt like I outgrew him and needed someone different. We left on very good terms, and catch up with each other when we bump into each other in the parking lot.

I asked my current therapist to help me develop tools. But I just don't think I am understanding how to use the tools being given to me. It's CBT stuff, but I still suck at having the self awareness enough of my thoughts, to be able to do it . Maybe I need to bring this up to her.

Also, I asked both my pdoc and therapist for self-management tools of BP2. My pdoc I guess assumes that's something my therapist should be doing with me. My therapist did, however, take time to look for a book on BP2 for me to recommend. But I just need something more concrete I guess.

I apologize for the very long and wordy response to your nice concise one word answer. I just am struggling with getting my point across. It's just been very frustrating to not be able to figure out how to help myself. Or believe in myself enough that I can. I am feeling a difference on the lamictal, and am hopeful that'll help push me forward in therapy, but it's only a bit of a difference. Sometimes I think all these years on an SSRI, even though it's a baby dose, has messed up my brain. I didn't drink that much alcohol when I was drinking, I know that's not it. I crossed the line quickly and saw it for what it was. I was lucky in that respect.

Long point of this long stream of thought, is--how do I get the most out of therapy, MindfulMan?

Pathwaytofree

I have the opposite problem. I've been stuck in inertia. However, when I was younger, I was like you and loved to be busy and keep moving.

I feel like that space between being on the couch, and pushing myself mentally to get off of the couch is completely shut down. I've read online that Zoloft can cause that, but I know since it's not proven as an actual side effect, the doctors won't really believe that that's the cause. Then again, when I was on a higher dose of Zoloft a number of years ago and in a rigorous school program, I was able to push myself.

Same here. And then it feeds on itself. I try to use coffee to get that boost to move, but I know that's not a good idea. I shouldn't be drinking caffeine anymore. I drink half-caf, but still.

This was extremely helpful to read. I wonder why my therapist hasn't taught me this. Am I supposed to ASK? I figured she would get that I need some help here....

I like your idea of charting your progress, too. I tried to do that with a bullet journal, but now I only use it as a datebook. What kind of reward to give yourself?

I don't understand why my therapist hasn't taught me to do this. I'm obviously struggling with this.

I love your idea of reading goals, too. I'm in a book club but they don't meet during the summer. They all go on vacation. I don't. I have dozens of books I want to read. It gets too overwhelming, so then I don't read any of them. But if I write a list, and just decide which I'm going to read, and check them off as I go, that will help me a lot.

So, thanks for that idea. :-)

I also need to lose weight and I want to get in shape. I just can't push myself. But I think if I have a chart of some sort, that will help me. I will try to create one in my bullet journal. There's a ton of examples on pinterest. And MindfulMan gave me great suggestions of how to start working out, keeping it very simple. :-)

Thanks for your ideas and telling me what works for you! Sorry again for the long conscious stream of thought post. I am just struggling with putting all my thoughts together to summarize them.

Pathwaytofree

Sean, this is EXACTLY where I'm at. I was on a career path and all, but then I got very burnt out, had some health issues, and then I just got stuck. I feel very much like I am lacking purpose and direction. How did you find your purpose and direction?

Exactly---I am caught in an emotional loop. I feel like everyone is "doing life" around me, and I'm just lost without a map.

I also read some books from similar sources. However, I have a lot of difficulty processing what I'm reading and APPLYING it. I'm actually frustrated right now with certain things about Christianity, and have gotten a few books on Buddhism. But this is what I do, unfortunately. I hop from one subject to another, trying to find something that works. I've done this with so many aspects of my life, and it's frustrating. I just can't seem to settle into that comfort zone of saying, "Ah, this is it! This is me." The latest book I got is called "Unf*ck Yourself". Lol. I need something that'll just say it to me directly and bluntly. Maybe I need a drill sargent to get me out of this being stuck stuff.

I love this idea! I'm sort of working on this in therapy. I love everything I've read about mindfulness, but I struggle with applying it. I think I've gotten more mindful the last few years, but I need it to be more of a conscious thing. I do feel that I'm taking a step back and thinking more factually, versus letting strong emotions rule my decision making.

I am sorely lacking in this area. I will need to talk to my therapist about this.

Good for you!!! How did you decide on these goals?

I LOVE this idea!!!
Would you mind sharing your daily recovery plan you set up for yourself? And how did you come up with it?

Isn't there a book or something called "Make Your Bed"? I should do that. But it's my little rebellion from childhood to not have to make my bed in adulthood. I know though it does set the tone for the day. Sort of like emptying the sink before you go to sleep.

I really love this idea. If I set goals in the past, I had trouble with being in the moment of enjoying the process. I'd beat myself up too much in during the process, to enjoy it. I'd get impatient and want the goal reached already. That's why I struggle with getting back into shape. I am my own worst critic.

I wish I could be like this. I am a perfectionist and criticize myself a lot when I make mistakes. Then I give up very quickly, thinking I can't do it.

How did you learn to be this way? I'm still like that 3 year old who gives up at the second of frustration, because of all the negative messages. Then again, I have started a new hobby and although I joke with my teacher about giving up and trying something else, she knows how much I really love it. I have noticed I'm being less hard on myself. The negative messages in my head are not there anymore, thanks to my step work. But I think they're still there subconsciously. I'm trying to push through and not give up this time. But I think even when I joke about giving up, there's truth underneath the joke.

I am eager to hear how you learned this all and how you applied it. This is better than anything I've learned in therapy!! Also please share your favorite books--ones that are most simple to put into practice. I can't tolerate deep philosophical books right now.

Thanks everyone for a great thread and for putting up with my long winded thinking as I'm typing posts. I wish I could figure out how not to be like that, but I think it's because it's a difficult topic for me?

MindfulMan

Unfortunately the best way to get the most out of therapy is to find a good therapist. And they are FAR from all good.

I found a good one. I had four "nice to haves"...gay, male, takes insurance, experience with recovery. He had all four AND he believes in time-limited therapy with defined goals. It's working. I also like his model, he is a narrative therapist who went through recovery for sex and love addiction (and the drugs that went with it), so we do some step work as well.

I guess get good referrals and interview a few of them, if you can.

Also now that your BPII is controlled, you'll probably find it much more effective. Therapy doesn't touch that, and in the past probably a lot of time was spent spinning your wheels when the problem was physical.

Porcetta

Goal setting is great as long as they are 'realistic'.

Better to underpromise and over deliver!

Lizajane

Pathway,
You asked what I reward myself with? Well simple stuff usually. If I read a chapter of the book then I am allowed 30 guilt free minutes on facebook. If I go t the gym and complete the planned workout then, on the way home I can stop at the store and get something I really want for dinner. Not an off diet item, but something I don't have at home that I am desiring. If I get the kitchen cleaned, I can watch a movie on netflix. My day currently is sort of in spurts now. An hour or two of productivity allows me to 30 minutes of recreation/relaxation/nap. I find the hardest part pulling the start gun when I am in bed in the morning. The promise of coffee gets me moving. I also tell myself, you can always take a nap if you are truly tired after you get some stuff done. I chart my exercise, weight and resting pulse so I can see how they all improve together. I need to see the connection.

tyler

I have much the same experience with therapy in the past. What I have found is that therapists are not mind readers (well maybe some of them are!!). You have to tell them what you need. Figuring that out can be challenging, at in truth it may not actually be what you need, but if you don't let them know when something is not working, you can't really blame the therapist.

If you find that the therapist is not listening to you, or just not working out, it is time to find someone else. I know that is difficult, I've been through it many times, to the point that I pretty much had given up on it being helpful at all.

I have found a person that is really helping me out. She listens to me and if I don't feel like something is working out we try a different way. That said she does challenge me, which I think is important. I do the things she suggests, sometimes they are helpful, sometimes not, but I at least try. I think we have to mindful that we don't always know the right way, if we did we probably wouldn't need to see the therapist!! But just as I will try her suggestions, she will try mine. Mutual respect. We are on a team, trying to accomplish the same goals.

We only get to spend an hour a week together, so it is unlikely I will get "fixed" in session. That is the time to learn, the other 167 hour of the week it is up to me to work on the things we discussed. Sometimes I do a better job than others, but if I don't at least try, I only have myself to blame if nothing works.

I certainly don't want to imply that I have all the answers, I most assuredly don't!! LOL The biggest thing I've been doing this time around is never canceling an appointment, even if I really want to, those are the times I most need to be there anyway. Going to that appointment is a 100% priority in my life. I am very socially isolated. I don't have any friends to speak of and even though I have family I can talk to, I usually don't. So this is usually the only time I have any kind of meaningful conversation for the whole week. Sometimes I really don't want to go, but I need to, so I go.

Bottom line, it's just like finding the right meds. It's trial and error, often really frustrating, but when you get it right can be life changing. Hopefully you found something in my ramblings the be helpful!!

tyler

Pathway, just wanted to say that I really appreciate your posts here. I think we have many similarities and you often ask the questions or start conversations of things that I am thinking or experiencing, but for whatever reason can't properly articulate. Then I get to read all of the thoughtful and helpful replies to your questions (that are also my questions) and everyone gets help!!

Yesterday was a pretty challenging day. I have been going through some mood issues lately. Yesterday I was "tweeking" really hard, spiraling up as I say. When it gets really bad like that I really start obsessing about my DOC, which is pot. If I give in it involves a trip to DC, where it is legal. This is about a 10 hour drive total and I usually drop about $400-$500. Gotta make it worth the trip. BTW I totally don't have the money for this, it would be a credit card cash advance, bad idea. I'm sure I could find it locally, but 1) it is illegal and 2) it would make it too easy to return to a crippling habit.

Once I get this idea in my mind it is usually on. Yesterday I had my appointment with my therapist and I did something I don't think I have ever done. I outed myself. We talked about it and at the end I was pretty sure I would still got this weekend. We talked about various strategies to deal with it, but I was in a place in my mind that I really wasn't feeling it, but I DID hear it, and when the wave finally passed those seeds had been planted.

When I went home I put my ear buds in and pruned shrubs for 3 hours in the 95 degree heat. Afterwards I felt somewhat better and made a plan on how to deal with it if the feelings came back again. For whatever reason, once I can make it past the "planned date" I am ok for awhile.

So here is the plan. I'm not saying it is a great plan, or even a good one, but hopefully it is effective. This is definitely not for everyone! I am a binge drinker. I don't drink every night, and sometimes I will go weeks at a time without a drink. Drinking is not good for me, but smoking pot turns my life upside down. It has landed me in inpatient rehab 3 times and been a major factor in 3 mental hospitalizations. If I am still thinking about making the trip, I will drink Friday night. Saturday I will feel like crap all day and it is unlikely I will feel up to a 10 hour drive. Not a great solution, more harm reduction than anything. If that doesn't cut it I will go out and blow some money on stupid stuff. Spending money gives me some of the same manic buzz that smoking does. As my therapist pointed out, I'm planning on spending the money either way and am not bothered by not actually having it, so at least I won't be spending it on the pot.

I guess my point is that this is a realistic plan to deal with the situation. Even the fact that I have a plan is comforting. Usually I just try to white knuckle it through and it usually doesn't work. For the record, my therapist has signed off on the plan. First choice, of course it to take some healthy actions, like exercise, talk to others about it, etc., buy if the poop hits the fan it is better than getting the pot. She has also insisted that I check in with her every night until our next appointment (How awesome is that, taking time out of her private life to work with me. Honestly makes me emotional when I think about it!) This is great progress for me. I rarely reach out for help, only after I have screwed everything up and need help up. Baby steps they say.

If you have made it to the end of this very long post I'm just kinda thinking out loud. It helps me, maybe it helps someone else. Thanks for listening

Pathwaytofree

I hear you on that! I've had good ones and bad ones.

That's cool he has experience with recovery. What is a "narrative therapist"? Does that mean he does all the talking? That's great you do step work together.

I will never again see a therapist just because they're on my insurance company list.... My current therapist and a couple before are/were good, but I think I still struggle with needing help with guiding me through the session. It's hard to explain.

.
I am really hoping I will get more out of therapy now that I'm on Lamictal. What do you mean that "therapy doesn't touch that"?? I am extremely curious.

YES I spend decades spinning my wheels in therapy, wondering why the heck I was still going if I wasn't getting anywhere, blamed myself, felt like a failure, etc.

Pathwaytofree

This is really cool. Maybe I can muster the motivation and energy to do this. Thanks for explaining it to me.

Pathwaytofree

I have no freaking clue what I need, other than needing a therapist to help me figure that out. I am finally learning to say things like "I need you to talk more", or "I need more structure" but it doesn't always stick.

Yes I've done this before, about 12 years ago. I waited too long, actually.

That's really cool. I've been a little better with communicating with my current therapist. I'm not sure she challenges me, but then again, I don't always do what she suggests, because either I forget what she suggests, or I just can't muster up the motivation to do it, even though I want to. it's frustrating. I've never suggested anything to her, though. I'm not sure what I would suggest.

I struggle with this a lot. I have a lot of trouble applying what we talk about in therapy to the rest of the week.

I'm like that, too. I always push myself to go to therapy. Even when I had the one or two bad therapists, I still pushed myself to go because I thought it would help.

That's an excellent point. And I found your post very helpful!

Pathwaytofree

I'm happy to see my posts help others, too!

Are there other things you can do other than turn to your DOC? Maybe make a list of things that relax you. If you don't know, discuss with your therapist. Have you tried meditation? It's free!

That's what I went through before I did my step work.... the obsession would kick in and nothing could stop me.

That's great you were able to be open about it, and discuss strategies to deal with it.

Sounds like you were able to successfully distract yourself from it. Pruning the shrubs got you out of your head.
I have nothing to really say to this, since I'm in recovery.....

White knuckling it didn't work for me, either.

That's great she gave you healthy action steps to take. And even better she wants you to check in with her. That is rare and very cool. Imagine if she did that with all her patients, she'd have no time for herself! It's great you're reaching out for help. I bet that's why she's having you check in with her, to teach you to reach out for help.

Don't worry about it, I do that a lot. :-)

tyler

Pathway,
Thanks for responding to a pretty f'd up post. I am doing better today. I know this is a recovery site and I hope my words didn't encourage anyone to use. It is never a good idea, but I was in a really bad place at the time and was just trying to be honest. I probably need to learn to be less honest about some things at some times.

Anyways, on to some more positive stuff...Last night I attended a Meetup.org group on Men's Mental Health. If you are unfamiliar with Meetup.org you should Google it. It is a good place for people like me who have social anxiety to reach out and meet some people. The guy who started this group is also BP2 and it was a therapy goal to start the group. He tried to start it last month and I was the only one who responded. I canceled at the last minute last month, and as it turns out he was kinda relieved, he wasn't quite ready. This month I was ready and so was he. We were the only two who showed up and we had a good conversation. It was good to talk to someone who was "like me", though we were at different places in our BP. All of you are great, but this was a real flesh and blood person!!! He was particularly moved when I suggested the concept that the fact that we try to control everything in our lives, and it makes us kinda crazy in doing so. It was a concept I got from SR, though I don't remember exactly who posted about it, maybe MindfulMan or perhaps Pathway, the stuff you guys post is always really meaningful to me. It really seemed to help him and that made me feel good to know that maybe I helped someone else.

I am still keeping in touch with my therapist. She is insisting that I still text her every night, even though she is out of town on a beach weekend with the "girls" and has limited cell service. I can't express how much it means to. me that she cares enough to do this. I am really lucky!!

Anyway, I really appreciate the advice and support I get here. No matter what messed up stuff I post people are always around to help, and that means a lot to me. I really hate being this way, it is so not fair to all the people around me that help and support me, but I am glad that they are there and I feel like I am at least moving somewhat in the right direction.

Anyway, thanks to you all for tolerating me.

sean0621

Perseverance. I learned to love myself and after years of hating myself, I learned to trust my own ability to make good choices. I continued making good choices and putting in the work on myself through depression and through suicidal thoughts. Eventually I popped out on the other side and I felt like I had purpose for the first time in my life.
Going to meetings and finding people that were already living the way I wanted to live went a long way towards getting me started.

Keep looking for things that work. Once you find what works, don’t stop doing that. It’s different for everybody. As long as you don’t give up looking for what is for you, you will be surprised what you might find.

As I progressed and learned to look inward with compassion, most of my goals unfolded in front of me. Opportunities presented themselves being around the right people at the right time pushed me towards setting other goals.

It’s ever evolving. It started out very simple: No more negative things in my body. No more dishonest relationships. No more negative people in my life. That was my first recovery plan. It’s evolved and now simply put I work on balance and being mindful.
So, I would start my day making my bed, I would meditate for 15 minutes. I try to write in a gratitude book daily (I struggle with resentments). I go to at least one meeting a week and more if possible as I really get a lot out of going to them. I exercise outside and get sunlight and fresh air and try to spend as much time in nature as I can. I work on my goals. I try to balance all those things, alongside work, friends and my girlfriend.


I started off in a very bad place early on in my recovery. I was overwhelmed with emotions and I was ready to quit life altogether. It’s probably been 3 years since I had any thought about suicide or going back out or quitting anything. I am sure if you narrow it down to a moment by moment experience then you will have great success in your endeavors as well. In fact I’m positive you will. It takes time and life is not about avoiding rough patches, it’s about making it through intact and growing stronger because of it.

LOL! all of my books are deeply philosophical or nerdy and science based. There’s More Than One Way to Get to Cleveland by Todd Crandell was one of the more simple books I’ve read. It is structured well. Everyone has their own unique way that they like to learn. I found that I like less structure when it comes to books and more big ideas and understanding the emotions and thoughts that underly actions and choices. F you like books to have more clear cut instructions, then I do not think I will be able to provide you with a long list. But I had to read a lot of books I didn’t care for to find the ones that really did speak to me.

Pathwaytofree

Hey Tyler,

It's all good. I said some pretty f'd up things to my former sponsor at times, too. It's just the addictive voice speaking. I'm glad you were able to be vulnerable and honest on SR and with your therapist. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings by what I wrote back. At this point in my recovery, I just don't engage in talk of using. It doesn't do anyone any good.

If it helps you to feel better, I had lunch with a friend and I was fantasizing a little when she was talking to me a wine and food tasting she did on vacation. Fortunately I only let my mind indulge in it for a little bit.

This is really cool, Tyler!! I was always afraid of going to support groups, because I was worried they'd be major downers--a bunch of sick people just talking to other sick people, and no one with solutions. But it sounds like the Meetup you had was much more positive.

I'm not sure who wrote about that, but MM always has very insightful things to say!!

I learned in AA that most of us alcoholics/addicts, no matter the addiction, try to control everyone and everything around us, for our own ease and comfort based on insecurities and fears that go back to childhood. It is really very fascinating. I am a big booker and it talks about how we are all actors in the play of life, trying to be directors, but that's not our job. So many of us don't even realize how controlling we really were.

I love the simplicity of the Serenity Prayer--Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I can't change people, circumstances, etc no matter how much I complain about it or try to change it. Ever try to change traffic? Lol.

I learned in AA to accept people and situations for what they WERE and what they ARE. I can only change ME.

I found all that stuff so fascinating.

Also important for me was learning that how other people treat me has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with them. It's not personal. As children we take everything personal, think stuff is our fault, etc., and alcoholics/addicts for some reason don't outgrow that. Or I don't know, maybe there are children out there who don't take everything personal and therefore never have this problem as teens or adults?

You are super lucky!!!! I do think she is doing this for you to teach you to reach out and ask for help. To feel worthy enough to do that. I had a therapist who wanted me to reach out between sessions if something came up, so I wasn't thinking about it all the time. I appreciated that a lot.

I also asked him if I could take a photo of a picture he had of him and his dog. He said I could. I was glad he didn't think that was a boundary breach of some sort. I thought of him like a helpful, wise, unconditionally accepting uncle or God father or something like that. I think he sensed that. Unfortunately I lost the photo when my phone got wet, but I realize I didn't really need it. I had somehow ingrained his teachings, even if I don't remember words exactly.

Tyler, it's okay. I get it. And I think other people on SR get it, too. I lost a lot of friends years ago when I was very stuck in my stuff, I bounced around between depression and anxiety, friends thought I was doing it for attention, I couldn't help myself, and I was a mess. There were a couple of people who stood by me. They somehow were able to still see my true self underneath the mess. It's not about being not fair to them. It's about us trying to live with mental illness the best that we can. It's not on purpose how we are. You are doing the best you can with what you have. I do think you ARE moving in the right direction! I am inspired by you, how you're able to set goals in therapy, and talk about them. Keep going and don't look back!

Hey cut that out! ;-)