Stuffed Grief, Loss and Anger
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 23
Stuffed Grief, Loss and Anger
Well, I guess that title says a lot.
About 8 years ago I did so much great recovery work in AA (didn’t know I was an Adult Child yet) and I got SO healthy. I had a great life ahead of me and just wanted to help people.
I had almost worked through everything except I didn’t see yet just how devastatingly I was affected by my parents, and that there had never been anything wrong with me at all, and all the suffering I endured came from their abuse.
Just as I was getting well my sponsor started sabotaging my recovery. I couldn’t see what she was doing because she had earned my trust o Er a long period of time and had loved me and shown me God. I cherished my rekarhinship with her and I was blind to who she really was.
Long story short, my recovery got blown up.
There was absolutely nothing I could’ve done about it back then. I just could never have known what i didn’t know.
I lost everything and watched her walk away with my recovery, while she spent the next years helping people abuse me.
I ended up with very fast and severe trauma that smashed my innate immune system, because I was having a spiritual awakening just as this was done to me,
I lost my family, was rejected by them and suffered 7 more years of abuse until I finally got enough money to get away from them. I was 52 and almost dead. They had seen me well for that brief time - and they did NOT like it. Few people did,
I have carried the anger and losses and sadness for all this time. My stomach is inflamed from stuffed feelings and I get very sick in water damaged buildings (mold) and have chemical sensitivities. The trauma really did a number on me. I was also born very sensitive which didn’t help,
I’m smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee (chemicals) to cope and numb out. I’m terrified of feeling my own anger.
Does anyone have any experience with how to grieve? I know instinctively I must do this.
How did you deal with your feelings?
I don’t want to be a victim either so I want to try to balance things out with the solution too. Dont know if that’s possible. I feel I need to cry for about a year.
Oh. I also want to confront the sponsor but she’s moved far away, and I want to send an email to my whole huge family and some of our friends which been lied to and tell them the truth without getting into “why” my parents, brother and others have blamed and shunned me.
About 8 years ago I did so much great recovery work in AA (didn’t know I was an Adult Child yet) and I got SO healthy. I had a great life ahead of me and just wanted to help people.
I had almost worked through everything except I didn’t see yet just how devastatingly I was affected by my parents, and that there had never been anything wrong with me at all, and all the suffering I endured came from their abuse.
Just as I was getting well my sponsor started sabotaging my recovery. I couldn’t see what she was doing because she had earned my trust o Er a long period of time and had loved me and shown me God. I cherished my rekarhinship with her and I was blind to who she really was.
Long story short, my recovery got blown up.
There was absolutely nothing I could’ve done about it back then. I just could never have known what i didn’t know.
I lost everything and watched her walk away with my recovery, while she spent the next years helping people abuse me.
I ended up with very fast and severe trauma that smashed my innate immune system, because I was having a spiritual awakening just as this was done to me,
I lost my family, was rejected by them and suffered 7 more years of abuse until I finally got enough money to get away from them. I was 52 and almost dead. They had seen me well for that brief time - and they did NOT like it. Few people did,
I have carried the anger and losses and sadness for all this time. My stomach is inflamed from stuffed feelings and I get very sick in water damaged buildings (mold) and have chemical sensitivities. The trauma really did a number on me. I was also born very sensitive which didn’t help,
I’m smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee (chemicals) to cope and numb out. I’m terrified of feeling my own anger.
Does anyone have any experience with how to grieve? I know instinctively I must do this.
How did you deal with your feelings?
I don’t want to be a victim either so I want to try to balance things out with the solution too. Dont know if that’s possible. I feel I need to cry for about a year.
Oh. I also want to confront the sponsor but she’s moved far away, and I want to send an email to my whole huge family and some of our friends which been lied to and tell them the truth without getting into “why” my parents, brother and others have blamed and shunned me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Ouch.
You've been through a LOT and I sense are grieving no just your recovery being sabotaged by someone you should have been able to trust implicitly....you are still hurt from the layers of betrayal.....yes, layers....
You were betrayed as a child.....to start with. Have you had professional therapy and is that something that would feasible for you at this time?
Okay-so how to grieve: You can google the 5 stages of grieving, though it may have changed to 6 stages by now. These stages are not linear...and we can find ourselves grieving about stuff that happened YEARS ago...old betrayals and hurts...when we are "older"....I'm in my '50's too....I know what it's like to be sabotaged by those that are supposed to love you the most; your very own family even at times....
When someone sabotages us it's like they are killing something we hold dear....so then....we need to grieve it. I even need to grieve for the times I have sabotaged myself!
Yeah....I don't think we "do" grief all that well...I really don't...we are barely able to bury our dead things and then we are pressured to "hurry up" and get back at it....
Grieving takes time. I am very very weary of all the subliminal and not so subliminal messages we get that really don't do us any favors in truly processing our grief.
You've been through a LOT and I sense are grieving no just your recovery being sabotaged by someone you should have been able to trust implicitly....you are still hurt from the layers of betrayal.....yes, layers....
You were betrayed as a child.....to start with. Have you had professional therapy and is that something that would feasible for you at this time?
Okay-so how to grieve: You can google the 5 stages of grieving, though it may have changed to 6 stages by now. These stages are not linear...and we can find ourselves grieving about stuff that happened YEARS ago...old betrayals and hurts...when we are "older"....I'm in my '50's too....I know what it's like to be sabotaged by those that are supposed to love you the most; your very own family even at times....
When someone sabotages us it's like they are killing something we hold dear....so then....we need to grieve it. I even need to grieve for the times I have sabotaged myself!
Yeah....I don't think we "do" grief all that well...I really don't...we are barely able to bury our dead things and then we are pressured to "hurry up" and get back at it....
Grieving takes time. I am very very weary of all the subliminal and not so subliminal messages we get that really don't do us any favors in truly processing our grief.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,500
I'm sorry for all that you have been through.
I wonder what you would expect from sending the emails? Do you hope that people will change their minds about you? I would give it a lot of thought.
I wonder what you would expect from sending the emails? Do you hope that people will change their minds about you? I would give it a lot of thought.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
I'm sorry you are hurting so much.
Has everyone blamed and shunned you?
do you have anyone left you can count on?
why do you think so many people have left you?
I would ask the person closest to you why people are avoiding you. Tell them you want an honest and open answer. Tell them you can handle it.
sometimes when we are in pain and have not processed what we need to process, we overwhelm people. I've done it myself. I'm getting a little better at that in sobriety. Being strong enough to stand on my own two feet.
That can be a source of pride and it can build your confidence actually, to know you can count on yourself.
What do you love to do? What are you good at? How can you help others? If you are not drinking and still sober from alcohol and other mind altering substances there are numerous ways you can stand on your own two feet and reach out to help others. these are ways to build yourself back up.
The problem with total reliance on another person....a lover, a spouse, a parent, a sponsor: is that sometimes we lose ourselves in the process.
You're still in there. Work on yourself, on the You that wants to heal and grow.
Blessings.
Has everyone blamed and shunned you?
do you have anyone left you can count on?
why do you think so many people have left you?
I would ask the person closest to you why people are avoiding you. Tell them you want an honest and open answer. Tell them you can handle it.
sometimes when we are in pain and have not processed what we need to process, we overwhelm people. I've done it myself. I'm getting a little better at that in sobriety. Being strong enough to stand on my own two feet.
That can be a source of pride and it can build your confidence actually, to know you can count on yourself.
What do you love to do? What are you good at? How can you help others? If you are not drinking and still sober from alcohol and other mind altering substances there are numerous ways you can stand on your own two feet and reach out to help others. these are ways to build yourself back up.
The problem with total reliance on another person....a lover, a spouse, a parent, a sponsor: is that sometimes we lose ourselves in the process.
You're still in there. Work on yourself, on the You that wants to heal and grow.
Blessings.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
