curiouskarma

Hi, I posted here awhile back, I doubt anyone remembers me but our stories are all similar anyway, aren't they?

I was encouraged to try al anon, which I've done. I've learned so much but not sure if I can say I'm 'working the program' as I haven't found a sponsor yet.

I think I'm ready to leave my ABF. I feel weird deciding to leave now that things are more peaceful/sane than they've ever been, but I know the only reason he isn't drinking much more is because he has a breathalizer in his car, so he can't start it to get more liquor once he's started. So he's limited to one or two a night, and a couple shots here and there (that he lies about..."oh those are from months ago...quack...)

Even in this still not entirely sober state he's back to the man I fell in love with though. He's sweet, hard working, intelligent, helping around the house and ranch, paying his share of the bills for the first time, ever...

But I feel like I'm living with a sleeping dragon and it's driving me crazy. I know that once that breathalizer comes off next February , it'll be back to square one.

Half the people I meet at Al Anon, say "you're still young, RUN." The other half say "Its okay to love an alcoholic."

I dont' want to make the wrong choice... especially since he's "doing so well..." I almost wonder if he's working so hard so he has ammunition to guilt trip me if I complain that he's still drinking, after he expressed his desire for recovery and intention to get help.... which I do not plan to do (complain.) The next thing I do is going to be leave, for good.... or figure out a way to accept this as it is. No more complaining or trying to change him. But the guilt trip thing sure is working, if it's intentional.

The thought of leaving makes me so sad ...and terrified of doing it on my own....but the thought of waiting until February (when the breathalizer comes off) to find that the monster rears its ugly head again is driving me insane...

I have no idea what I expect anyone to say to this lol, just hoping to vent to people who I know will understand. Thanks for reading...I've been lurking around here a lot lately in between al anon meetings, and it's making me feel so much less alone.

EllieJ

Hi curiouskarma,

I could have written parts of your post and your first one. Thanks for sharing your story - it makes me feel not alone. It's so hard to know what to do. I agonized over my own decision for almost a year. And now, 2 months since we broke up, I'm still questioning it. In my situation, my XABF is still hanging on...not drinking, going to meetings now... But just like you, I know the situation could change in a heartbeat. That's really all I know the cycle of hope, despair, hope, despair. I don't know if I made the right decision either...but I know at some point you just have to trust your gut - whatever it is telling you. Because the longer you try to ignore it, the worse your stomach churns.

Time reveals more - at least that's what I keep telling myself. I hope you find peace and some relief when you make your decision. Whatever that decision may be.

dandylion

curiousKarma…..one thing that jumps out at me, from your post is that he is still drinking. For the alcoholic, there cannot be a drink...or two....
The crux of alcoholism.... is addiction....the inability to stop drinking and control one's drinking, like a "normal drinker".....The fatal drink for the alcoholic is not t he second drink or the tenth drink...it is the FIRST drink. It takes most alcoholics a long and bumpy road, before they can accept this fact....Like the first step, of AA..."to accept that they are helpless over alcohol"...…
He hasn't stopped drinking now...so it seems predictable what will happen in February...…
Fasten your seatbelt....

If you would like the scientific explanation of what I just said....what happens in the alcoholic brain....You might like to read "The Alcoholic Brain"...by Michael Kuhar . You can get a cheaper copy, if you get a used on amazon.com.....

Another thing that jumps out at me …..is this...."terrified of doing it on my own"...….What is that all about?......specifically?

PS....I hope that you will hang around and keep posting and keep learning....Don't be a stranger!

Forward12

It sounds like he has no intentions of quitting, and with him still drinking, you are 100% correct with this statement.
Make a run for it while you can, as once the reigns are off, all hell is likely to break loose.

FeelingGreat

Hi Karma, if he was sober you might ask yourself this question, but he's keeping his addiction running along nicely.

Have you discussed full abstinence with him? Does he have a plan?

BoxinRotz

I just want to tell you this...

RUN!

Run away as fast as you can.

This is no way to live.

SmallButMighty

If the ride is making you feel sick it's time to get off.

I stayed on that roller coaster of doom for years longer than I should have and I got progressively sicker and sadder.

Even relationships that don't include addiction and/or codependence sometimes just run their course. It's never easy or pain free when that happens. But the hurtful truth is that compatibility doesn't always last forever. People change, people grow, people evolve...and sadly some people devolve...

I was married for 22 years, together even longer. I was was beyond terrified to end that relationship. It was a leap of faith like no other I have ever taken. It was the right decision, not easy or painless, but definitely right. Life is too short to spend it swirling around in a whirlpool of chaos and anxiety. Life is so much better now that I don't live in constant fear of that other shoe falling day in and day out.

Hang in there, I know this is tough stuff.

Hugs.

Sasha1972

I'm not sure he really is "doing so well". He's not behaving like a jerk (if he's helping around the house, paying bills for the first time, etc) but he's still drinking (and household help and bill-paying are kind of basic-level acceptable human behaviors, they aren't extraordinary).

If he is still drinking now and still minimizing his consumption, he's most likely not going to stop or reduce his drinking once the ignition lock on his car is removed. I think it's pretty safe to assume that he will be drinking and driving again in February. I guess the question is whether you are willing to continue living with him in that circumstance? You're lucky (sort of) in that you have a lot of advance notice.

atalose

Do you see how life with an alcoholic brings us to conclude that just because they are not drinking as much, they are helping around the house and paying bills LIKE THEY SHOULD, that they are doing well.

No, no they are NOT doing well if they need to have a breathalyzer in their vehicle, continue to drink and are not working any kind of a recovery program.

Not sure why you think waiting 8 more months will change anything, the writing is pretty clear on the wall.

firebolt

That right there kept me stuck for 5 long years of my short precious life.

This is going to sound simple, but the kind folks here had to say it to me for me to realize (over and over)....

- there are NO wrong choices. This is YOUR life!!
- you know in your gut what's going on, and have a really good indication of what is going to happen.....because you are intelligent and intuitive. OUR sicknessmakes us second guess ourselves, and take the words (not the actions) of an alcoholic (lets be honest, they aren't known for their honesty) over what we want, feel, and know!
- Irrational fear causes us to spend all this time banking on someone elses potential, rather than who they actually are, and completely ignore our dreams, goals plans. There is nothing to be afraid of. NOTHING!

Again - there is no wrong choice - other than wasting too much of your life not making one. Nothing is carved in stone, nothing is guaranteed... every single day is a new opportunity to make a choice for you to have a great life.

curiouskarma

Dandylion - thank you so much for the welcome.

And I know exactly what's going to happen in February...I'm all too familiar with the pattern. It's already happening... clever ways to get more once he's started. But the monster hasn't surfaced just yet.

As far as being terrified of "doing it on my own..." the last three years I've let my priorities get completely out of whack...I've been babysitting an alcoholic and many times another alcoholic "friend" who needed a place to stay...so my career's gone to sh*t. I'm self employed and I'm just not making the money that I used to... I'm struggling to pay bills even with the small amount he's helping, and just this month he FINALLY agreed to pay *half* of everything, for the first time, starting in July. I'm working with a career coach to get things on track again, but it's slow going for the time being. I probably need therapy too as well as Al Anon lol. I feel like I need a team of professionals to get my head back on straight lol.

curiouskarma

Hi FeelingGreat,
Yes we have discussed full abstinence. He expresses a lot of awareness at times that he literally cannot touch one sip of alcohol because he doesn't have an off switch. But time passes and it starts with "just one beer...." and so on and on. He isn't working a program so he has no support.
I guess I could bring it up again...one al anon friend suggested I tell him he needs to start going to AA and get serious about his recovery, or I'm done. She reminded me that ultimatums are okay , if we mean them.

trailmix

Ultimatums are ok if you mean them, for sure. I guess giving him one might make you feel a bit better in your decision but as firebolt said - there are no wrong choices, this is your life.

Your choices seem to be stay and see how it works out or leave it all. Well there can be a third. Rather than sitting and procrastinating, why not give yourself a break? Take some time away, get your own place if it is practical.

I understand you are financially not where you would like to be right now because you have been tied up looking after the alcoholic (isn't that a shame) but it is what it is and there is a way out of that.

Distance from this will help clear your head, even if you can't actually move - say move until April and tell him you will see how it goes, can you go away for a week and live with friends or family?

The fact that he is only now paying half the bills is an even bigger tell than his drinking in my opinion. Who does that? Well actually I know who does that.

I was in a relationship and he was staying at my house. He nominated an amount to pay each month that didn't come close to covering half the expenses, so basically I was subsidizing him and paying for his food.

Within a matter of weeks I asked him to leave and he did. For that and so many other reasons.

It did take that and some time away to realize how much I did not need that person in my life.

PuzzledHeart

What is he doing (NOT saying) to rebuild your trust?

If you don't trust him now, what makes you think you'll trust him later?

Is your relationship based on pity or respect?

curiouskarma

LOL that's exactly what happened to me...he moved into my house, and elected an amount to pay that came no where near half. And I let that go on wayyyyy too long. So finally this next month will (would?) be the next month he pays half.

I just feel sort of icky, like it's wrong for me to take his money one more month when I'm pretty certain I'm going to be asking him to leave sooner or later.

curiouskarma

And what is he doing... he is doing a lot which is what doesn't make this easy. He's planting flowers and a veggie garden, doing a lot of work around the ranch with irrigation, going to work every day like a normal person (lol)... cooking dinner, buying groceries, cleaning, etc... But as far as his addiction and recovery....he's doing nothing. I just wish it were more black and white again, if he were currently that abusive mean disrespectful drunk ...it'd be so much easier to just say good riddance. Only reasons I stuck around last time that happened were a)I'm probably insane to some degree and b)I always had hope that the drinking would stop. Now I'm just finally realizing it probably never will, given how much I've learned about addiction and alcoholism.

curiouskarma

And is it based on pity or respect.... I actually do have a lot of respect for him.... I honestly kind of feel if we were to split he'd be doing better than I would, for a good while...I'll be stuck with ALL these bills,way too much responsibility, 4 horses and 10 acres to take care of on my own...he has none of that. He has friends nearby he could stay with for free for a few hours of work a week, who love him. So he'd be saving money and rebuilding off the bat. He has a great support system and close friends, which is what I do respect about him. He's always been able to maintain that no matter how drunk. I on the other hand don't have time to build and maintain close friendships because I'm working all the time to try to uphold all this responsibility it seems lol. So no I definitely don't pity him, but no I don't trust him either. I'm afraid of the person he becomes when he's had enough to drink.

PuzzledHeart

If you knew how to operate a steering wheel but didn't know how to apply the brakes, would that make you a good driver?

Anvilhead sometimes uses this phrase "like shuffling deck chairs on the Titanic." You could be doing all this work, but if you're not addressing the main issue it don't mean squat.

Sleepyhollo

I don't think you are. A lot of people start going to AA because they want to learn how to control their drinking. It does not sound like he is in a place where he really understands that he can't even touch alcohol again. My RAH Quit for 13 months on his own, without any program and no one knowing. He had said then that he knew he could never drink again but that did not last. On top of that he really was not much more fun to be around because he was still the same grumpy tired person who no longer had his coping mechanism. Drinking is only a small part of the problem. Unless the behaviors get addressed and they learn new coping skills it will get worse. And each time they start drinking again it is like they never stopped, they pick up right where they left off. On top of that he has not even stopped drinking so he may be doing better but it will only be temporary.
You are not married and have no kids. This is no way to live. So I agree that as hard as it is, getting out is the best thing. It will save you a lot of heart ache in the long run

Ladybird579

He's always been able to maintain that no matter how drunk. I on the other hand don't have time to build and maintain close friendships because I'm working all the time to try to uphold all this responsibility it seems lol.

This was me. My exah has all the friends, time to socialise and money. I was too busy keeping our kids happy and looking after everyone to ever leave the house while he drank. I did that for 20 long years. I wish I'd left way sooner cos the nice, charismatic man I married left the building long before I did. He turned into a miserable, mean old drunk who lied to me about everything.

Now he does as he pleases, has many friends and trips out but the upside is he isn't in my hair. His pattern is drinking himself almost to death, being hospitalised, cutting back a bit until he feels better and then starting again. It's no life to be part of and am glad we split up. It's all you have to look forward to if you stay and he doesn't decide to really embrace sobriety. It's not looking like he will.