taplow

I know it can't be true but I have this belief that I drink more than anyone. Of course real drinkers hide it so I don't know, maybe I'm just average. I do their proscribed weekly units in an afternoon.
I work, I live but I just have to drink. I'm drunk now, but it feels like I'm normal.
I've been drinking for about 2 weeks with just sleep interrupting - morning lager and it starts again. It's like my subconscious is on a suicide mission. I don't even feel drunk anymore, this is normal behaviour.
I always thought that really, when it came down to it, and when I really wanted to, that I could stop. I now see it's beyond my control. I can manage a few days here or there and then I'm back again.
It's not in my power. It's not a lack of strength or anything, it's just that I turn on myself. I don't know who I am.
I've learned that I'm not in charge. The idea is good, stop it, I know that's true but I just talk myself out of it.
It really is a different game now. I don't think I'm driving this thing.
Just sounding off.

thomas11

Well even if you are drunk at the moment, it appears you have fairly clear picture of what's going on. Drinking around the clock for long periods of time I think can be quite dangerous. Do you think you'll need a medical detox when this ride is over? Do you have the desire to seek professional help? I hope you can take action Taplow because I've been reading your posts for quite awhile now. Wishing you the best.

Anna

Hi Taplow,

I agree that drinking around the clock is dangerous and I hope that you can find a safe way to stop. Do you think talking to your dr would be a good idea? Above all, have faith that you can do this.

I think you are in charge and I think it's simply your addiction telling you that you're not in charge. You might need medical help, but you are in charge and you can do this. As they say, it's simple, but it's not easy.

ScottFromWI

Some excerpts separated out above. Basically you're just drunk, and most of what you've written is indeed just drunk rambling. You are very articulate in your thoughts when you come here sober, hopefully you'll get a chance to see this and come here when you are ready to accept help. Make no mistake, you can quit if you want to - and you've done so before.

fini

taplow,
okay.
if you're not in charge or control of your drinking, you have "lost power of choice", as the big book puts it.
regardless if this is the case or not, you do have choice about where you will go for help, what you are willing to do.
you have been here a long time; you can see what others are doing and what "works".
it's out there if you want to stop.

Verdantia

Hey, taplow. Drinking around the clock is horrifying and oh God I have been there--drink, pass out, wake up and do it over and over in an endless, pathetic feedback loop. When I finally found that tiny spark of clarity and quit I had very bad withdrawals complete with hallucinations and seizures. I needed help to get sober--a lot of it, which included detox and inpatient rehab. You are in a very dangerous place and I urge you to do what it takes to beat this demon. All the best.