Nothing ever goes as planned
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
Nothing ever goes as planned
yea nothing in my life goes as planned. We talked about it yesterday. He made a stupid comment and I guess my reaction surprised him.
Background I have PCOS and it makes me gain weight. I've been doing Keto for awhile and have lost a lot of weight.
AH: Now that you've lost all this weight you're not going to leave me are you?
ME: I'm more likely to leave you over your drinking than losing weight.
He looked stunned, I guess it never occurred to him that I might leave him? Probably took it well because he wasn't drinking. (liquor store is closed on sundays) He doesn't want me to leave he doesn't know what to do. We had a conversation about how I feel like I'm more his mother and I take care of everything. I told him I feel very much alone in our marriage because he's there but not really.
He said he'll go to the VA on friday (it's easier with his schedule to leave in the middle of the day on friday to do it.) I told him I need to see real effort or I would move out with the kids.
This is the issue I've always had. When he's not drinking, he's intelligent, logical, funny and compassionate.
Is it bad that I don't believe him? so many promises and so many failed attempts that I can't even be cautiously optimistic anymore.
side note: he loved the party. I don't think he's not social, I think he's just so far in it that all he wants to do is sit home and drink. The party was supposed to be at 2-6pm we were there until 1am. We had so much fun.
Background I have PCOS and it makes me gain weight. I've been doing Keto for awhile and have lost a lot of weight.
AH: Now that you've lost all this weight you're not going to leave me are you?
ME: I'm more likely to leave you over your drinking than losing weight.
He looked stunned, I guess it never occurred to him that I might leave him? Probably took it well because he wasn't drinking. (liquor store is closed on sundays) He doesn't want me to leave he doesn't know what to do. We had a conversation about how I feel like I'm more his mother and I take care of everything. I told him I feel very much alone in our marriage because he's there but not really.
He said he'll go to the VA on friday (it's easier with his schedule to leave in the middle of the day on friday to do it.) I told him I need to see real effort or I would move out with the kids.
This is the issue I've always had. When he's not drinking, he's intelligent, logical, funny and compassionate.
Is it bad that I don't believe him? so many promises and so many failed attempts that I can't even be cautiously optimistic anymore.
side note: he loved the party. I don't think he's not social, I think he's just so far in it that all he wants to do is sit home and drink. The party was supposed to be at 2-6pm we were there until 1am. We had so much fun.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Is it bad that I don't believe him? so many promises and so many failed attempts that I can't even be cautiously optimistic anymore.
No it is not bad at all, because after several failed attempts why would you believe him. Alcoholism is progressive so it will only get worse. He may stop for a while but unless it is out in the open and he is actively working a program he is unlikely to succeed. Even if he stops for weeks or months, as soon as he starts again it is like he never stopped to begin with. He will pick up where he left off when he quit.
My RAH went to rehab for 90 days. Never thought he needed inpatient rehab because after all he had quit on his own before (but it obviously never lasted...). He was ordered rehab due to his work. He realy needed all 3 months of inpatient rehab! Addiction is only partly about the substance. A much bigger part is about behaviors/coping skills etc. I never knew that until he went to rehab and learned about alcoholism. Makes sense though. Most addicts are self medicating something (could be severe depression/bipolar or something less severe such as social anxiety) and that is their coping mechanism because they never learned how to cope with things other than using.
Educate yourself, get into counseling yourself. I never knew I was codependent (or what that even was) until he went to rehab and I started counseling. My codependency made for the perfect match with my H.
Hopefully he is serious about it and dong this for himself and not just for you. Because he won't succeed long term if he is not 100% invested in this himself. It also will take time and early recovery can be very hard, sometimes it is harder than the active addition.
Take care of yourself and your kids. Recovery is ALL on him, there is nothing you can do to help. They usually say do not make any life changes during the first year of recovery (unless of course you are in danger) because if he is serious he will continue to evolve a lot that first year.
No it is not bad at all, because after several failed attempts why would you believe him. Alcoholism is progressive so it will only get worse. He may stop for a while but unless it is out in the open and he is actively working a program he is unlikely to succeed. Even if he stops for weeks or months, as soon as he starts again it is like he never stopped to begin with. He will pick up where he left off when he quit.
My RAH went to rehab for 90 days. Never thought he needed inpatient rehab because after all he had quit on his own before (but it obviously never lasted...). He was ordered rehab due to his work. He realy needed all 3 months of inpatient rehab! Addiction is only partly about the substance. A much bigger part is about behaviors/coping skills etc. I never knew that until he went to rehab and learned about alcoholism. Makes sense though. Most addicts are self medicating something (could be severe depression/bipolar or something less severe such as social anxiety) and that is their coping mechanism because they never learned how to cope with things other than using.
Educate yourself, get into counseling yourself. I never knew I was codependent (or what that even was) until he went to rehab and I started counseling. My codependency made for the perfect match with my H.
Hopefully he is serious about it and dong this for himself and not just for you. Because he won't succeed long term if he is not 100% invested in this himself. It also will take time and early recovery can be very hard, sometimes it is harder than the active addition.
Take care of yourself and your kids. Recovery is ALL on him, there is nothing you can do to help. They usually say do not make any life changes during the first year of recovery (unless of course you are in danger) because if he is serious he will continue to evolve a lot that first year.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
What I like about the VA program is he will be assigned a counselor and they will deal with his PTSD and a psychiatrist (I honestly believe he is bi-polar. His mom is and his paternal grandmother was also) He will also be required to join AA and attend outpatient rehab group therapy. Reading through his military file, once they got him sober about 6 months he started training for a triathlon, eating better, he was more social. The doctor kept extensive notes about what they talked about that wasn't related to military missions.
When we first got together he was very into fitness and would run 5-6 miles daily plus swim and bike 3-4 times a week. When he relapsed, he stopped caring about that. He also stopped caring about picking up after himself :-(
My hope is that he will stay in therapy long enough to deal with the underlying issues.
When we first got together he was very into fitness and would run 5-6 miles daily plus swim and bike 3-4 times a week. When he relapsed, he stopped caring about that. He also stopped caring about picking up after himself :-(
My hope is that he will stay in therapy long enough to deal with the underlying issues.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
apologies, but your post is a little all over....
WHAT is it that did not go as planned? there was the party that you said he'd HATE, that actually he really enjoyed, you all enjoyed and had fun.
is your hope that he does go to the VA? he said he'd go this friday?
or is your plan to leave and this is the first time you've mentioned it to him?
what do YOU want in all of this?
WHAT is it that did not go as planned? there was the party that you said he'd HATE, that actually he really enjoyed, you all enjoyed and had fun.
is your hope that he does go to the VA? he said he'd go this friday?
or is your plan to leave and this is the first time you've mentioned it to him?
what do YOU want in all of this?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
apologies, but your post is a little all over....
WHAT is it that did not go as planned? there was the party that you said he'd HATE, that actually he really enjoyed, you all enjoyed and had fun.
is your hope that he does go to the VA? he said he'd go this friday?
or is your plan to leave and this is the first time you've mentioned it to him?
what do YOU want in all of this?
WHAT is it that did not go as planned? there was the party that you said he'd HATE, that actually he really enjoyed, you all enjoyed and had fun.
is your hope that he does go to the VA? he said he'd go this friday?
or is your plan to leave and this is the first time you've mentioned it to him?
what do YOU want in all of this?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
