Isabel8

Hi, I’ve been reading on here and listening to some recovery podcasts for a while... trying to stop drinking but need to do more than that because so far it’s only worked a few days at a time. Anyway, I’m glad you all are here. I almost went to an A.A. meeting Saturday morning but I knew it would mean I would have to have a big discussion with my husband so I didn’t do it. I had a really bad addiction to pills and went to inpatient rehab 13 years ago... I have stayed off of the pills since then but about a year after getting out I started drinking again. I hadn’t been addicted to alcohol and so, against all of the advice I had received, I figured I would be the exception and would be fine. And actually, for years, I was fine. I was very careful for the most part and drank rarely at first, then a little more often. Every once in a while I would get smashed but that’s about it. Over the past few months I guess I’ve started drinking a lot more often. I’ve noticed when I plan to not drink, I end up drinking anyway just about every time, and then I am getting way too drunk every time too. It’s not every day at all but I see it increasing and my 11 year old daughter has noticed and has been looking at me in an odd way. Instead of that stopping me, I’ve started getting more sneaky. Like, making up excuses to get her out of the room so I can pour my wine...and last week I found myself mixing a drink in my bathroom. I can tell that the way I’m thinking and acting is beginning to be familiar in a horrifying way, like the start of what it was like with the pills, years ago. I don’t feel like it’s nearly that bad. But could be heading in that direction, which I Do not want. Some of the things I’ve heard and read about alcoholism I don’t really identify with, I don’t drink every day and I’m usually very drunk after just a few glasses of wine or whatever I’m having. Also I don’t think I blackout. I have had a few times that my husband has told me things I’ve said while drinking the night before that I can’t remember saying but in general I haven’t lost big chunks of time or anything like that. Most of my drinking is at home, occasionally at a friend’s house but nothing really terrible has happened to me. I am feeling scared mostly by what’s going on in my head. I know this is long, but thanks for being here.

doggonecarl

Welcome to Sober Recovery.

Nothing terrible has happened....yet.

Not sure why you are running through all the things that you think will dismiss you from being an alcoholic. You know your drinking is a problem, and you struggle to quit. Isn't that bad enough? If you are waiting to check all the "alcoholism" boxes, or for something terrible to happen, keep drinking.

Isabel8

Thanks for replying. This is my first post on here. I was just getting out what’s in my head, and you’re right, I guess part of me has been wondering if I’m qualified. As in, how bad should it be for me to go to a meeting? Writing it down does help to see that thinking that way is pretty ridiculous.

wildflower70

Hello and welcome!

Writing things down, as you did in your post, isn't ridiculous! It can be a helpful tool to help us see clearly that we need to stop. I used to drink like you, the occasional wine with my hubby, a few drinks while visiting friends ect.....

But then after years of social drinking, the thief came in the night, and my life was forever changed. The thief is alcohol. I went from being a social drinker to a full blown alcoholic in about a year.

Then I began to lose jobs, relationships, my health, my dignity. Please listen to the warning signs, please keep writing down how you feel, and please check out a program that suits you.

Blessings on your journey

biminiblue

I think anyone who has had one addiction is going to create another one if they start a new substance.

I agree with Carl, if it's a problem then the solution is to stop. Don't wait for the "hasn't happened Y.E.T." (You're Eligible Too) huge consequences. It could be that the first consequence causes irreparable damage.

Isabel8

Thank you for the welcome, and the advice. And yes, today is day one. I’m sick of myself and sick of feeling like a crazy person, over analyzing what should be such a simple decision.

djlook

Try going to some open meetings and get a copy of the Big Book and read it and make the decision on your own. Only you can say if you're an alcoholic.

tomsteve

Some of the things I’ve heard and read about alcoholism I don’t really identify with, I don’t drink every day and I’m usually very drunk after just a few glasses of wine or whatever I’m having. Also I don’t think I blackout.

remove the drinking and start reading about the thinking. probable a lot of similarities with people that went further down the scale in that aspect.

which many of us were sick of ourselves.

Isabel8

Made it through day 2! I found my old Big Book in my closet and started reading it again today. So much I couldn’t see before, I hate that I’ve wasted so much time. But feeling hopeful too now.
I did a “learn to meditate in 7 days” guided meditation last night that was very helpful, it was about noticing our thoughts and then just letting them drift by when meditating. Then she said, notice how YOU are separate from your thoughts. Anyway, all day today I thought about that and it helped me so much. Thanks again. Reading here is helping me so much.