Help with Recovering BF
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Join Date: Jun 2018
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Help with Recovering BF
I'm so confused! It's been 16 days since my BF (well I'm not sure if we're still dating but last week he sent a text "I love you, my beautiful girlfriend) moved out and back into Recovery/Sober House. Over the past 16 days he's been distant and barely texts or calls. I'm doing all I can to be supportive, but yesterday he lied to me and I'm so hurt. He had asked me to write a letter of appeal for him, to help fight a wage garnishment. He first asked me to meet him at work at 630 pm, then at 430 he called to say he'd be an hour late and could I put letter in his car; that he'd left it unlocked (he's OCD and NEVER leaves his car unlocked so I knew something was off). Sure enough, when I went to drop off letter at 645, his car was gone; without a call or text from him. I sent him text "Went to drop off letter at 645, your car was gone so I guess you got off early after all". What made things worse was that he seemed to be on FB all night but never responded and I notice two new women liking all of his posts all of a sudden. My gut is screaming at me and I don't know what to do.
I've never dated anyone in recovery before and it seems I'm making a mess of so far and find myself not knowing how to de-tach with love, let alone support him in recovery and refrain from being hurt by his distance or his behavior.
Back-story: I'm 44 and had an awful child hood filled with all types of abuse, my birth parents were alcoholics, addicts, abusive and emotionally unavailable. Thankfully, I was taken in and raised around age 10, by family members. So I've worked through most of my damage and I'm working on my abandonment issues.
In Nov 2017, I met my current boyfriend, he was 2 months into his recovery, his main addiction was smoking cocaine but he also abused clonazepam and drank a lot. I, of course, had immediate reservations about dating an addict recovering, or not, due to my history. However, I also thought it wasn't fair to judge him, he is human and flawed but still worth loving. (He comes from an abusive child hood as well - emotional and physical). We planned to take things so, he was living in a Recovery House. He also suffers from Depression&Anxiety.
I became smitten with him and he was telling me he loved me by end of December and calling me his girl friend by New Year's. In April he brought up moving in with me, saying I was best thing to happen to him, and he was having overnights with me an average of twice a week. Sex was not very often and he said it took him time to feel comfortable with me, he was coming off of Citalopram (anti-depressant) and switching to a different RX. I was patient and did my best to lean back, despite him not being very communicative and him needing a "routine" and often needing space.
Still, in April he moved in; 5 months is fast I know. When things were great&he opened up, he was amazing and I felt so connected to him. Well, within two weeks he came home and was honest that he was high. He allowed me to help him throw away what he had left&swore he was back on track. I made it clear I couldn't have that in my life and he assured me it was a one time slip. I had hope because Id caught him in lies before but in regards to women; he'd deny talking to other women but since he's on my phone plan, I learned otherwise. So I thought him being honest was a break through.
By the last week of May/early June we were bickering a lot because he seemed distant, crabby&needing more space/time out with friends he had admitted to getting high or drunk with. Things weren't adding up and I was feeling like he wasn't being honest. He took my questions as interrogating. I was asking questions because things weren't adding up, I'd caught him in lies, and he was drinking and driving drunk. By Monday June 4th, he'd been drunk 5 out of 7 days and I was at my wits end. So we had it out and he moved back to recovery/sober house by end of week.
Before moving back to recovery/sober house, he asked to stay night so he could hold me. I agreed. That night he assured me everything would be okay. That he loved me and we'd still date but take things slower as he continued to work on himself; that he didn't love himself. I agreed with everything he said. That Sunday the 9th, he came over and cooked me dinner but I found out he lied to his housemates, hiding the fact he was with me; he said he wasn't comfortable telling them he was with person who sent him back to house. I was in shock and hurt. I had no idea he blamed me for his relapse. I leaned back and gave space but a few days later he was still texting me that he loved me and I was his girlfriend. However, now he seems distant and wierd, doesn't communicate. Yesterday I found myself blowing up at him about me being left in limbo (I realize it was selfish and wrong). I apologized to him. He says he still loves me. This is torture, I have no blueprint on how to support him through this. This is all new to me. I don't know what to do, I've been flying by seat of my pants, which is only causing him to be more distant. Advice please
I've never dated anyone in recovery before and it seems I'm making a mess of so far and find myself not knowing how to de-tach with love, let alone support him in recovery and refrain from being hurt by his distance or his behavior.
Back-story: I'm 44 and had an awful child hood filled with all types of abuse, my birth parents were alcoholics, addicts, abusive and emotionally unavailable. Thankfully, I was taken in and raised around age 10, by family members. So I've worked through most of my damage and I'm working on my abandonment issues.
In Nov 2017, I met my current boyfriend, he was 2 months into his recovery, his main addiction was smoking cocaine but he also abused clonazepam and drank a lot. I, of course, had immediate reservations about dating an addict recovering, or not, due to my history. However, I also thought it wasn't fair to judge him, he is human and flawed but still worth loving. (He comes from an abusive child hood as well - emotional and physical). We planned to take things so, he was living in a Recovery House. He also suffers from Depression&Anxiety.
I became smitten with him and he was telling me he loved me by end of December and calling me his girl friend by New Year's. In April he brought up moving in with me, saying I was best thing to happen to him, and he was having overnights with me an average of twice a week. Sex was not very often and he said it took him time to feel comfortable with me, he was coming off of Citalopram (anti-depressant) and switching to a different RX. I was patient and did my best to lean back, despite him not being very communicative and him needing a "routine" and often needing space.
Still, in April he moved in; 5 months is fast I know. When things were great&he opened up, he was amazing and I felt so connected to him. Well, within two weeks he came home and was honest that he was high. He allowed me to help him throw away what he had left&swore he was back on track. I made it clear I couldn't have that in my life and he assured me it was a one time slip. I had hope because Id caught him in lies before but in regards to women; he'd deny talking to other women but since he's on my phone plan, I learned otherwise. So I thought him being honest was a break through.
By the last week of May/early June we were bickering a lot because he seemed distant, crabby&needing more space/time out with friends he had admitted to getting high or drunk with. Things weren't adding up and I was feeling like he wasn't being honest. He took my questions as interrogating. I was asking questions because things weren't adding up, I'd caught him in lies, and he was drinking and driving drunk. By Monday June 4th, he'd been drunk 5 out of 7 days and I was at my wits end. So we had it out and he moved back to recovery/sober house by end of week.
Before moving back to recovery/sober house, he asked to stay night so he could hold me. I agreed. That night he assured me everything would be okay. That he loved me and we'd still date but take things slower as he continued to work on himself; that he didn't love himself. I agreed with everything he said. That Sunday the 9th, he came over and cooked me dinner but I found out he lied to his housemates, hiding the fact he was with me; he said he wasn't comfortable telling them he was with person who sent him back to house. I was in shock and hurt. I had no idea he blamed me for his relapse. I leaned back and gave space but a few days later he was still texting me that he loved me and I was his girlfriend. However, now he seems distant and wierd, doesn't communicate. Yesterday I found myself blowing up at him about me being left in limbo (I realize it was selfish and wrong). I apologized to him. He says he still loves me. This is torture, I have no blueprint on how to support him through this. This is all new to me. I don't know what to do, I've been flying by seat of my pants, which is only causing him to be more distant. Advice please
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Red flags all over the place, sweetie. I'd run the other way, real fast.
Mostly because his excuses don't seem to hold water.
Please take some time and find someone who knows how to give, the value of honesty, and dependability, and healthy living. You deserve better. We all do.
Mostly because his excuses don't seem to hold water.
Please take some time and find someone who knows how to give, the value of honesty, and dependability, and healthy living. You deserve better. We all do.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
My gut is screaming at me and I don't know what to do.
...it seems I'm making a mess of so far...
I've been there and I knew years before that I should leave, but I didn't. I wasn't tied to him by marriage or children and I could have left any time. I had to look at myself--why was I staying in such a situation? Al-Anon might help you with that question.
None of what you've written looks promising for a good future with this person; it already sounds like things are getting even worse and they will most likely continue to do so unless he decides to stop and puts serious effort into getting well. I see no signs of that.
Listen to your gut.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by chicory 
Red flags all over the place, sweetie. I'd run the other way, real fast.
Mostly because his excuses don't seem to hold water.
Please take some time and find someone who knows how to give, the value of honesty, and dependability, and healthy living. You deserve better. We all do.
Mostly because his excuses don't seem to hold water.
Please take some time and find someone who knows how to give, the value of honesty, and dependability, and healthy living. You deserve better. We all do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Bird615
When my gut was screaming at me, I knew what to I had to do, I just didn't want to do it.
This was probably already a mess and one you didn't cause, can't control and can't fix, can't help, can't cure, etc.
I've been there and I knew years before that I should leave, but I didn't. I wasn't tied to him by marriage or children and I could have left any time. I had to look at myself--why was I staying in such a situation? Al-Anon might help you with that question.
None of what you've written looks promising for a good future with this person; it already sounds like things are getting even worse and they will most likely continue to do so unless he decides to stop and puts serious effort into getting well. I see no signs of that.
Listen to your gut.
This was probably already a mess and one you didn't cause, can't control and can't fix, can't help, can't cure, etc.
I've been there and I knew years before that I should leave, but I didn't. I wasn't tied to him by marriage or children and I could have left any time. I had to look at myself--why was I staying in such a situation? Al-Anon might help you with that question.
None of what you've written looks promising for a good future with this person; it already sounds like things are getting even worse and they will most likely continue to do so unless he decides to stop and puts serious effort into getting well. I see no signs of that.
Listen to your gut.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
My gut is screaming at me and I don't know what to do.
This is torture, I have no blueprint on how to support him through this.
Listen to your gut!!!!! It’s screaming for a dam good reason.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 539
Iris
As hard as this is for you to let him go, I think you know enough about addiction and recovery to realize that a relationship with this man will only be painful. Read back your original post like it were written by someone you care about. What would you tell your best friend to do?
You describe your boyfriend as someone who is manipulating, lying, emotional, needy and self serving. Not surprising because he is an addict bouncing between recovery and addiction. Certainly there are some very charming and attractive things about him that are drawing you. You need to recognize your attraction to him as only infatuation. Smitten and giddy because he calls you his girlfriend and wants to hold you all night...I remember how powerful infatuation can be but you need to call a spade a spade.
1. He is an addict. Incapable of being a good partner for someone. He is looking for someone who can take care of him. He is NOT boyfriend material right now. It will be a long time before he is sober and soundly in recovery before he can have a relationship with someone that is not all about HIM. Staying with him is just going to be an endless cycle of helping him and being hurt by him. If you are hanging in there to get the prize of a recovered boyfriend...it will get even sadder. If this man actually recovers, he will want a relationship with someone else. Someone who he respects more, who would not let themselves be treated so poorly. He will feel like he owes you a lot, but it is really hard to feel attraction for someone who does not respect themselves enough to push you away when you deserve it. If you act like a doormat, people will walk on you. Sadly they will also view you as a doormat no matter how awesome you truly are.
2. Your powerful emotions are infatuation and loneliness. True love develops in a loving relationship. If you walk away, I promise you will get over this man easily. He clearly has a very powerful spell on you but I did not read anything in your post about a wonderful life you have shared and growing love. Space and time placed between you will be all you need to move along from this.
You have a history of family addiction/ alcoholism. Go to alanon and deal with your codependency issues. Figure out why you want to be with someone who is needy.
Iris, your happiness should not depend on this man. You need to focus on you and let him focus on recovery. You don't want to be with him while he is using and yet you don't even really know who he is sober. You are romanticizing your relationship to be something more than it is. You should be the one ignoring texts and calls. It would be the best thing for you and for his recovery. He needs to do this on his own and you deserve better.
As hard as this is for you to let him go, I think you know enough about addiction and recovery to realize that a relationship with this man will only be painful. Read back your original post like it were written by someone you care about. What would you tell your best friend to do?
You describe your boyfriend as someone who is manipulating, lying, emotional, needy and self serving. Not surprising because he is an addict bouncing between recovery and addiction. Certainly there are some very charming and attractive things about him that are drawing you. You need to recognize your attraction to him as only infatuation. Smitten and giddy because he calls you his girlfriend and wants to hold you all night...I remember how powerful infatuation can be but you need to call a spade a spade.
1. He is an addict. Incapable of being a good partner for someone. He is looking for someone who can take care of him. He is NOT boyfriend material right now. It will be a long time before he is sober and soundly in recovery before he can have a relationship with someone that is not all about HIM. Staying with him is just going to be an endless cycle of helping him and being hurt by him. If you are hanging in there to get the prize of a recovered boyfriend...it will get even sadder. If this man actually recovers, he will want a relationship with someone else. Someone who he respects more, who would not let themselves be treated so poorly. He will feel like he owes you a lot, but it is really hard to feel attraction for someone who does not respect themselves enough to push you away when you deserve it. If you act like a doormat, people will walk on you. Sadly they will also view you as a doormat no matter how awesome you truly are.
2. Your powerful emotions are infatuation and loneliness. True love develops in a loving relationship. If you walk away, I promise you will get over this man easily. He clearly has a very powerful spell on you but I did not read anything in your post about a wonderful life you have shared and growing love. Space and time placed between you will be all you need to move along from this.
You have a history of family addiction/ alcoholism. Go to alanon and deal with your codependency issues. Figure out why you want to be with someone who is needy.
Iris, your happiness should not depend on this man. You need to focus on you and let him focus on recovery. You don't want to be with him while he is using and yet you don't even really know who he is sober. You are romanticizing your relationship to be something more than it is. You should be the one ignoring texts and calls. It would be the best thing for you and for his recovery. He needs to do this on his own and you deserve better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Lizajane
Iris
As hard as this is for you to let him go, I think you know enough about addiction and recovery to realize that a relationship with this man will only be painful. Read back your original post like it were written by someone you care about. What would you tell your best friend to do?
You describe your boyfriend as someone who is manipulating, lying, emotional, needy and self serving. Not surprising because he is an addict bouncing between recovery and addiction. Certainly there are some very charming and attractive things about him that are drawing you. You need to recognize your attraction to him as only infatuation. Smitten and giddy because he calls you his girlfriend and wants to hold you all night...I remember how powerful infatuation can be but you need to call a spade a spade.
1. He is an addict. Incapable of being a good partner for someone. He is looking for someone who can take care of him. He is NOT boyfriend material right now. It will be a long time before he is sober and soundly in recovery before he can have a relationship with someone that is not all about HIM. Staying with him is just going to be an endless cycle of helping him and being hurt by him. If you are hanging in there to get the prize of a recovered boyfriend...it will get even sadder. If this man actually recovers, he will want a relationship with someone else. Someone who he respects more, who would not let themselves be treated so poorly. He will feel like he owes you a lot, but it is really hard to feel attraction for someone who does not respect themselves enough to push you away when you deserve it. If you act like a doormat, people will walk on you. Sadly they will also view you as a doormat no matter how awesome you truly are.
2. Your powerful emotions are infatuation and loneliness. True love develops in a loving relationship. If you walk away, I promise you will get over this man easily. He clearly has a very powerful spell on you but I did not read anything in your post about a wonderful life you have shared and growing love. Space and time placed between you will be all you need to move along from this.
You have a history of family addiction/ alcoholism. Go to alanon and deal with your codependency issues. Figure out why you want to be with someone who is needy.
Iris, your happiness should not depend on this man. You need to focus on you and let him focus on recovery. You don't want to be with him while he is using and yet you don't even really know who he is sober. You are romanticizing your relationship to be something more than it is. You should be the one ignoring texts and calls. It would be the best thing for you and for his recovery. He needs to do this on his own and you deserve better.
As hard as this is for you to let him go, I think you know enough about addiction and recovery to realize that a relationship with this man will only be painful. Read back your original post like it were written by someone you care about. What would you tell your best friend to do?
You describe your boyfriend as someone who is manipulating, lying, emotional, needy and self serving. Not surprising because he is an addict bouncing between recovery and addiction. Certainly there are some very charming and attractive things about him that are drawing you. You need to recognize your attraction to him as only infatuation. Smitten and giddy because he calls you his girlfriend and wants to hold you all night...I remember how powerful infatuation can be but you need to call a spade a spade.
1. He is an addict. Incapable of being a good partner for someone. He is looking for someone who can take care of him. He is NOT boyfriend material right now. It will be a long time before he is sober and soundly in recovery before he can have a relationship with someone that is not all about HIM. Staying with him is just going to be an endless cycle of helping him and being hurt by him. If you are hanging in there to get the prize of a recovered boyfriend...it will get even sadder. If this man actually recovers, he will want a relationship with someone else. Someone who he respects more, who would not let themselves be treated so poorly. He will feel like he owes you a lot, but it is really hard to feel attraction for someone who does not respect themselves enough to push you away when you deserve it. If you act like a doormat, people will walk on you. Sadly they will also view you as a doormat no matter how awesome you truly are.
2. Your powerful emotions are infatuation and loneliness. True love develops in a loving relationship. If you walk away, I promise you will get over this man easily. He clearly has a very powerful spell on you but I did not read anything in your post about a wonderful life you have shared and growing love. Space and time placed between you will be all you need to move along from this.
You have a history of family addiction/ alcoholism. Go to alanon and deal with your codependency issues. Figure out why you want to be with someone who is needy.
Iris, your happiness should not depend on this man. You need to focus on you and let him focus on recovery. You don't want to be with him while he is using and yet you don't even really know who he is sober. You are romanticizing your relationship to be something more than it is. You should be the one ignoring texts and calls. It would be the best thing for you and for his recovery. He needs to do this on his own and you deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Hi and welcome,
Knowledge is power and you might find some of these sticky threads in the Friends and Family forum helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Knowledge is power and you might find some of these sticky threads in the Friends and Family forum helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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