nightshade131

Hello everyone,

Firstly I want to say thank you for this forum and everyone here. Since I joined I have been trying to get myself sober and with each 'day one' I learn something new about myself. I am on day one.

I think I need to vent a bit about where I am right now, because alcohol is making me tell 'half-truths' to people close to me about important issues.
Just some background info - I am 45yo, moved back in with my parents about 8 yrs ago after they retired. For 5 months of the year they move to a warmer climate, so it seemed 'better' to move back since I became the 'caretaker' for the house. My sister also lives here (older than me) since about 12 years ago. She gave up her job, moved back and pretty much lives in her room. Lots of issues there, but suffice to say I haven't spoken to her for about 10 years, I get on well with mum and dad though living back here makes me feel/ act like a teenager at times.

So, here goes

October of last year - my boss asked me if I had been drinking, I broke down and cried and admitted I had the night before. So I was still drunk obviously. He drove me home said he would pick me up the next morning and take me to work as my car was still at work.
This should have been my wake up call. The following day, I had a meeting with the directors who said a note would be put on my file about my drinking.

I tried to sort myself out. Stopped drinking during the week and got immersed in work and the evening course I was taking. Still drank at weekends though

November of last year - burglars tried to rob home. They beat up my sister as they thought no-one was at home. Parents were away at the time. I told work about it as I had to take a week off to take my sister for her hospital appts. I video-called parents and told them I would take care of it as they weren't due back for 4 months.

I started drinking more then.

May 2018 - involved in a car crash on way to work. Arrested for drink driving (I blew 47 at police station) and a court date set for June. I told work about the crash, not about the arrest. I told my parents everything that happened that day. My parents do not know that I have a note on my file at work for drinking.
I get a letter from the police to say that the other driver was a fault and that they will be dealing with her separately.
My parents have been amazingly supportive during this time - they are on my gratitude list. However, whilst I am drinking less I am still hiding it from them.

June - Dad came with me to court, he helped to pay for a solicitor. It was horrible, shameful. I have to go back again next month.

The day after court, I got my car back from the garage following repairs. There was massive damage. It was done via my insurance - who are aware of my arrest and have forwarded the letter from the police to the other drivers insurance. The estimated bill is just over £10K. No-one knows this apart from you guys here. If I get convicted I think I am liable for that.

Yesterday I had a good day - I took Dad shopping, we had some lunch, he tried to give me advise which got my back up so went out and got a bottle of wine. Any excuse I guess. I had a large glass then Dad and I cooked dinner together. After dinner, I finished the bottle in my bed watching a film on my laptop and falling asleep.

This morning I woke up riddled with anxiety thinking about everything, shaking and really wanting a drink. So far I have drunk 3 cups of coffee, done a load of washing and taken the bins out.

That's my whole truth - to you all here.
Not sure what to do next, I have committed myself to 24hrs, but am struggling in my mind, body and heart. Not even my hypnosis vids are helping. I feel like a complete failure

biminiblue

The way out of this circular Groundhog Day is really simple.

Don't pick up a drink.

Get through the initial discomfort which is worst at the beginning, and slowly things will start to improve.

Sounds like it is time to be a comfort to your older parents. I realized it was more about me being a good daughter than it was them helping me. To be a good daughter I needed to be humble and sober.

Drinking "at" someone only hurts me. So I don't do that anymore. Keep talking and keep posting and reading. You can sort this out...and whatever happens with the car thing will work out in the end.

Berrybean

Bim's right. The longer you keep drinking, the longer you'll stay in this vortex. Why not make a grab for some local help to pull yourself out of it, and stay out of it. An AA meeting is only a Google search away. There you'd find an emotionally safe and judgement-free zone where you can get support to stay sober, and find the courage to live with the integrity that gives us the peace we need for sobriety to be sustainable and comfortable. This may or may not mean telling your parents every last detail about the warning at work. You are an adult after all, and as long as you are tackling the issue and finding a way to stay sober, there is no need for your parents to be worried by this detail. As long as you're being honest with yourself, and facing up to things and taking personal responsibility. Obviously, if there IS a reason that they need to know this (ie being guarantors for you or something) this may be a different matter.

Anyway. It sound like you need some kind of sobriety plan. Just removing the alcohol isn't really enough. Not if you really want to be happy and comfortable in sobriety, and make it long term. I bet you could find a meeting to get to today if you wanted to.

BB

MissPerfumado

Hi nightshade,

I think you'd benefit from a sobriety plan, which would make Day 1 truly day 1 of sobriety and not just another half-hearted stab at not drinking until you can't stand it anymore and go out and buy a bottle.

AA is a great idea. Perhaps seeing a doctor and getting a referral to a counsellor, too. Write down what triggers you to drink and devise some strategies to deal with them, lie alternative activities, hobbies etc.

Sitting alone in your room and drinking with the laptop in front of you until you doze off... that is the kind of drinking I used to do. I had to find some other stuff to occupy me until I could return to old habits without readopting the drink habit. Summer months are ahead, maybe you could get out and take some evening walks.

With sober time, the problems will be more manageable. The outcome of the legal proceedings following the accident, the outcome of the drink driving charges, the work situation. None of these are easy to deal with of course, but if you've been reading around here you'll know they're not new issues for SR posters. What's critical is whether you use them as the impetus to implement a long term solution to your drinking problem. Which would be: sobriety.

It's understandable to find these things shameful but shameful would be not answering the wake-up call that they are. You've made mistakes - we've all made mistakes - time to own them and start doing something about them. That's the best remedy for shame.

nightshade131

thank you for your replies biminiblue and berrybean

I am not drinking, Dad is going to see an old family friend and I said I would drive him there as I know them too and it will get me out of the house.

I am googling aa meetings at moment, so will check back in later on my findings.

There seems to be a lot of different 'titles' for each group - reflections, new beginning, how it works, keep it simple. Which one should I be looking for?

nightshade131

Thanks too miss perfumado, I must have posted just after you

Thank you for your reply

biminiblue

The different AA groups give themselves catchy names. There are discussion meetings, some are study groups. You will be welcomed at any one of them. The only thing to look out for is gender qualifications - and that would be right next to the title, or prominently in the description. "Women Only/Men Only." Any other meeting you can go to - and there will be people who will help you find meetings that they particularly like. There is recovery at all of them.

nightshade131

I went out with my dad and I found an AA to go to. It's on a Sunday at 4pm so I have missed it, but it's close to me I can go regularly. Had a nice online chat with Gareth from aa who kindly gave me experiences too. It felt like being here.

I have a week until my meeting so I will be checking in here everyday til then, maybe posting as well too.

thanks to you all, I am updating my gratitude list

x

DontRemember

Attending AA voluntarily could also look better in the eyes of the court. If they see you're taking positive actions towards your drinking problem,it surely can't hurt. Plus it really sounds like you could use it.

nightshade131

I really do... writing it down like that showed me how low I have got.

It crept up slowly and I ignored it

Thank you DontRemember

Berrybean

Well done. Might be worth finding a midweek one as well. A week is a long time between meetings. I'm impressed that you got straight on it.

I found a new app to use for daily gratitude today (Gratitude 365 I think it is). Have done today's and it was really user friendly with a helpful reflective paragraph with questions to prompt. I'm going to be using it a lot I think. Gratitude is a key ingredient for serenity, alcoholic or not. I notice that the special needs teens in my class seem to naturally veer towards gratitude, and aren't interested in 'stuff' or recognition. They don't fearfully over think potential problems. They don't beat themselves up for past mistakes. They live in the moment with gratitude. (Except for a bit of cake chasing perhaps - they do get a bit of wishful thinking going there.) If I could be as content and find as much joy in the everyday as some of them I would improve my quality of life significantly. Yet, supposedly we are the clever ones. They teach me so much, every day.

BB

DontRemember

No worries.. I was court ordered to AA from my last DUI and it really got my head on straight regarding my out of control life with alcohol. I started going more than ordered and reading/posting here more than I had been when actively drinking. My life is a lot less chaotic now at around 18mo sober(minus 1 night).

tomsteve

you can read AA's big book online here
https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoholics-anonymous

linked with permission AA World Services inc.


the first 164 pages tells quite a bit of how alcoholism effects us the solution, and what can materialize as a result of working the steps.after that is personal stories.

nightshade131

Thanks for all your helpful and kind comments.

I have downloaded a gratitude app (never realised they existed!), thanks Berrybean.

Gareth from AA said that he would go to as many meetings he could at first and described himself as a 'listener' for the first 6 months. Once I have been on Sunday I think I will be more confident about going to others. So you are right there too DontRemember

Thanks for the link too TomSteve - and the heads-up on the what it contains.

I think I will put this on my gratitude list app for today - I have to do 3

Hope everyone has a good day :-)