Sapphire44

My ex does Crack cocaine and drinks. He has in the past done many other drugs. It all started when he was 9. He is currently in jail. I do worry that some day this may kill him or be in prison to the day he dies. I already told one child of mine her dad died of drugs. Still to this day I wont tell her what drug. It scares me to tell her because she is like her dad and I don't want her to think she will be ok if she don't do it. She was 4 when her dad died.

Now my ex is my sons dad. Both my kids are adults and out of the home. But 18 years ago I walked away while pregnant with my son. As much as I hate to see parents not be a part of there child's life one way or another. This was the best for my son.

We got back together for awhile. I new there was a chance he did not change. He did not over the years. I'm so scared for him. I know I cant do anything for him. He is a adult and has to make his own choices. The emotions become so over whelming for me to know his bottom is not looking good. He told me he is not done. He wants to die the way he wants to die. He goes days without food. Has lost so much weight. Landed in the hospital a couple times already. I don't believe he is going to change. I pray he will. I hope he sees how much I care and how hard it is for me to tell him no to living here. No I cant give you No...No...NO.... That's all I can do for him is pray.


Can some of you tell me how you got threw this. He has been in jail since the 14th of this month. Not long. Will be out on the 28th of this month with tons of probation and other stuff. I still am crying allot. dealing with nightmares and sad.

18 years ago it was easier to walk away. we may have lived together. But he was such a active addict. I barely saw or got to know him. This time I got to know him and fall deeply in love with him. I thank God for that chance he gave me to know the father of my son. He has tried treatment not long ago. Only made it 30 days. Then this time he tried not drinking very much. I new it would fail. Told him that. Cant stop him from trying. Then he went on a 2 day drinking binge. Don't think he slept much and ended up in jail.


Thanks for letting me vent. Days are so lonely at times.

Lizajane

I am a little confused on the status of your relationship with the ex.
You wrote
"I don't believe he is going to change."

I would not have a romantic relationship with an addict until he has found a course of treatment/recovery and figured out how to take care of himself. I would not live with someone until they had been sober a very long time. You cannot help him get sober, it is something he has to do on his own. If you let him live with you before he is sober and firmly in recovery you can expect the entire cycle to repeat and all of the nightmares repeat. He is sober right now because he is in jail. I would tell him you need him to be 6 months sober before you can try your relationship again. If he can't wait for that, then he is not thinking of you but just himself.

Sapphire44

[QUOTE=Lizajane;6935764]I am a little confused on the status of your relationship with the ex.
You wrote
"I don't believe he is going to change."

What I'm saying is getting off his addictions. I broke off the relationship awhile ago. I do know he needs to be off the drugs and alcohol for quite awhile before I would even trust his word. He knows I don't want that kind of life with him. I'm not going to watch over my shoulder waiting to get hurt because he owes someone. This change has to be what he wants. I was just asking about suggestions on how others got threw this kind or similar situation.

Lizajane

I suggest attending alanon and narcanon to help you through what sounds like a very painful situation. Posting to bump you up in case there are others who have been through this. He is bound to be very desperate when he gets out of jail and tugging at heart strings so having a support system to keep you strong.

ladyscribbler

I too hope that my son's dad will choose recovery. Attending Al Anon meetings has helped me understand that whether he does or not is out of my hands. I've also learned that his choices are his to own (or not). The best thing I can do is to let my son spend time with people who will truly care for him.

We make a trip "back East" at least once a year and visit with ex's family. Ex is estranged from them as well (his choice) and refuses to even stop by and see our son.

The rest of the family is perfectly lovely. We exchange gifts with the little cousins at Christmas- (O.K., I just like buying baby clothes, one of the cousins is 8 mos, plus I never got to buy girl stuff, lol.)- school pix, the whole deal.

Instead of focusing on relationship that isn't working because of active alcoholism, I'm cultivating those that are loving and healthy with people who are able to reciprocate that love. I spent too many years chasing my alcoholic father's love. It's a wast of time.