cece

Hi friends!
I really have some garbage to work through and let go!
I need an SR meeting!
My EH was the one who brought me to AlAnon years ago, but it's my son who has brought me to NarAnon.

No matter how much I have learned through this process, I still have Miles to go.

I know: I Cannot Control it, Didn't Cause It, and I Can't Cure It. But I seem to have different rules for his dad.

There are many reasons to be angry with him. He was a dead-beat dad who had no problem not paying child support and abandoning his son for years when my son worshipped him.
When he finally got sober, he then wanted a relationship with my son. It has always been an unhealthy one but my son was now an adult and makes his own choices and my son wanted to try and have a father-son relationship.
His dad wanted to be a pal and a friend and wanted to share sports and outdoor activities, but there were always conditions for his love and support. He also became my son's biggest critic. Calling him names I cannot post whenever he is disappointed in him. And my son would come back for more. Don't get me wrong, my son gave it as much as he got it. There is still a lot of anger there.
I hated seeing that unhealthy relationship.

During my son's downward spiral they lived together. Huge mistake!

His dad would text me every time he was unhappy with our son and every time he was disappointed in him, and anytime he was worried about him.
It nearly drove me insane especially when I was trying to get my own sanity back with detachment.
Once he even texts me that he was never as bad as our son during his active using. So he was a "better" addict? I didn't even know how to answer that one.

All of this behavior brought back so many memories of lies, broken promises, disappointments etc., and lots of pain and anger.
HIs texts were triggering me badly.
It also brought out the worst in me.
I would think, " Where was all this concern and involvement years ago?" He blamed my son's behavior on my lax discipline when he was little. I would answer with, "At least I was there!"
He would text me that my son owed him money for the utility bills. Really? I would tell him to take it out of the tens of thousands of dollars he owed me for child support when my son was younger.
It obviously brought out a very ugly side of me.
I realized during this time that I blamed him. Maybe not for my son's total downfall but I feel he holds some responsibility.
Which I know ( in my head) is wrong. For I am learning that if I am not to blame then neither is his father.
And so I would talk myself down, then the next text shows up, and down I go.
I know my EH is sober but still so ill. And yet, I would engage in a battle with him similarly to how I would engage with my addict son. Trying to rationalize, educate, change, fix, etc...
I was engaging with someone whom I would never have contact with in any other situation. So why now?
He is toxic.
I am slowly realizing it's okay that I do not like him. He is not a good person.
I guess I always felt I should at least try since he is my son's father.
But these texts brought so much anxiety and fear. Why was I allowing that?
I finally am realizing that I have no obligation to him.
So I finally blocked him!!
No phone calls or texts for a month!
It is so liberating!!
I never realized how much I needed to detach from him too!!

I am working on processing my own anger toward my EH. It's been too many years to still feel this way. I know it's really not about me and my past feelings toward my EH, (not surprising for a Co-Dependent) but it's about my son. Seeing the pain and damage it has caused my son doesn't help.
But that is my son's relationship, not mine.
So I need to let that go.
Not seeing those triggering texts really help!!
Thanks for listening!

Ann

Cece, you've come a long way and it looks like recovery i n action to me.

This is big. No, this is HUGE. You shine girl.

Ilovemysonjj

Sending hugs your way Cece! I know how hard it is to avoid the blame game. I always thought my hubby's relationship with JJ caused some of the trauma we all went through, and it hurt my relationship for some time. I finally got it, it is not my problem, it is their problem. They had to repair their relationship, and by the grace of God, they did.
TT

hopeful4

Friend, I am so glad you blocked him!

We want to be able to have relationships in our lives with those important to us. When we have had children with them for goodness sakes. However, people can just be too toxic to deal with.

Continue on your healing journey. I send you huge hugs and support!