Jess2014

Okay so I know that emotional detachment is breaking free from the obsessions with someone’s behaviour and ultimately letting your worries for them go and focus on oneself instead. I decided to emotionally detach from my AM and I let her know I needed space and I’d reach out when I was ready. The longer I go without talking to her the freer I’ve become and it’s been 2 months now and I don’t want to reach out anytime soon. My brother sent me a text on Father’s Day and asked if I was going to my mom and dads because no one knew if I was. I said no. I don’t want to see my AM and with that I’m taking myself out of family situations. I start to wonder am I detaching or avoiding? Either way, I’m much happier. I actually realized that I needed to emotionally detach from all my family members because they’re so in denial about my AM and tend to her “needs.” So I know I’ve done a good job in letting my anger for their behaviour go but still have positive conversations with them when they contact me. But my mother, I don’t know what I’m doing with her, or what I’m going to to about her. I will have to see her eventually. I think I’m just worried that if I do, she will do all things she always does and make me feel guilty for walking away and pull out the “I’m a good mother” card. I’m working very hard on dealing with my codependency issues and I think being in contact with her will make me take a step back. I don’t know. Just rambling now.

Bernadette

I’m working very hard on dealing with my codependency issues and I think being in contact with her will make me take a step back.

Trust your feelings!!!!
If you are making progress keep doing the things that are helping YOU!

I struggled for a long time wth detachment, still do, it helps me to try to see it as a work in progress rather than a hard wall, or a finish line. But you will get better at it - it does become a working tool.

Love is attachment. And that is the cruelest and most devilish aspect of alcoholism, it breaks all the rules of love, bends the bonds of family, twists our best intentions....just all around s*cks!!

Glad you're here!
Peace,
B.

Lizajane

Both my husband and I have alcoholic mothers. His mother died a couple years ago. Their alcoholism manifested itself differently in each of them. My mom would call his mother an alcoholic but not herself. My husband and I each had to figure out this detachment issue. It is a very personal thing.

For me, not attending family functions because of my mother's alcoholism is not acceptable. I don't get to see my family often. I am in a place where I accept that she is an alcoholic. I will not go into all of her issues but she is a master of creating new completely unverifiable medical issues to prevent her from leaving her home and dealing with her largest issue of agoraphobia which is intensified by the alcoholism and retiring every night to the numbing of her pain meds and some drinks. I have been very direct with my mother with my assessment of her situation and willingness to help her should she want to address the real cause of her problems. This has gone NO WHERE but endless tears. So I no longer address it. I just go to the family functions, enjoy being among my family and accept that she will get sloppy and then go to bed. Because she is a quiet drunk who withdraws, this is easy. Sometimes she wants to have one on one quiet crying conversations. Experience has taught me that when she is in this state, she is in a complete blackout state and won't remember anything. So I give her a hug and leave the room. Even if she is sobbing away, it no longer affects me other than feeling sorry for dad who has to live with that. But then again I am also detached from that...he has a choice too.

Perhaps I am luckier than some because during the day, she is a lovable and kind person. I live far away and only see her once or twice a year. I only call during daylight hours. I let the voicemail pick up if she calls at night.

I feel successfully detached.

My husband's mom was drunk all her waking hours. She also lived far away. We made our visits short in length and always stayed in a hotel so we could leave when we were ready. I think his detachment was pretty sound as well. Family gatherings were mostly positive. Everyone knew she was an alcoholic, her included. I was always impressed at how my hubby and his two siblings could laugh off her drunken antics in adulthood and enjoy her for who she was. She was able to get people upset now and again, but for the most part they were at peace with her outrageous behavior at times. They often share comical stories of mom. If you don't laugh, you will cry.

Hope my highjacking your thread had some value to you. Detachment is not the same for everyone. I think it must include a basic sense that you cannot cure anyone else but you can make decisions to control alcohol's direct impact on yourself. You don't have direct control of your emotions but you sure can take control indirectly by making choices that are good for you.

hearthealth

It sounds like you are going no contact with your mother. No contact can be a healthy choice. Detaching is a process that can be done in her absence or with her present. It's not getting emotionally overwhelmed with her antics. Your feelings of avoidance may be because you are missing out on your other family members such as your father. Only you can choose your boundaries and interactions.

Sasha1972

What would be the benefit of going to see your mother? It would shore up her (false) belief that she's a great mother, but I doubt it would do any good for you.

PuzzledHeart

I went No Contact with my nanny long after the physical abuse had ended. My sister told me that it was all in my head, that it wasn't really abuse because we were spoiled brats. My extended family thought I was nuts. Having a nervous breakdown at college didn't help matters. Even my own dad told me that I needed to forgive her and move on.

I didn't, and as a result, my family thought that I was being an uncaring bitch. All I knew was if I spent another second with her, I was going to go insane. I needed to take care of my own mental health, because she sure as hell wasn't going to do that for me. I never looked back. My sister continued contact with her for her own reasons. She ended up busting her marriage for a fortysomething pothead who never moved out of his parents' house. Her children now live with my aging parents on the days she has custody.

At the end of the day, I knew what I needed to do to survive and I did it. All I have to do is look at my sister to remind myself what could have happened to me if I didn't listen to my gut.

Plenny

No contact and detachment has done wonders for my mental health and wellbeing and my own recovery. I do carry a lot of guilt in some cases because I did extend the no contact to the rest of the family as well. And it feels really really good. And I have room to recover, and I can hear myself think. I'm eight years into no contact with my abusive AM, but those first five years were very painful dealing with the conflicting views and opinions of my other family members. It was torture, and I was not supported or validated. So I went full whole family no contact three years ago. As painful as that was, and can still be at times, it is the best thing I've ever done and it saved my life. It allowed me to begin to build my boundaries back up, and learn to love myself and build self-esteem, and I have been learning how to be sober and healthy as well. Something I could never do within my family structure.

Good luck and great job being there for yourself

Jess2014

Thank you for all the responses. I come back and read them when I’m starting to feel guilty for the decisions I’ve made in regard to my family