alwayscovering

Last night I had to drop off the cake at my MILs for AHs bday party today. I was clearly upset and I just fell apart when asked. I couldn’t help it. Bless her heart she said I have to tell her these things because she’s oblivious and had no idea I was going through this. She told me that of course the kids and I could stay with her. She knew he drank she just didn’t know how much.

His family wants to do an intervention. I think this is a bad idea. He will react badly. But on tv they always do. My MIL thinks that if we do this he will get help because he’ll realize everyone knows and he’s not hiding it as well as he thinks. I don’t think it will because he has imaginary issues with his family. Seriously what he says they are like (and they could be I didn’t grow up with them) is not what they are like when I’m around.

The option I came up with is to take him to the VA substance abuse clinic which will eliminate all excuses (they pay for it, it’s in the evenings so won’t interfere with his job,) and tell him we are here today and you can help but if you don’t want to, you don’t have to but understand that if you don’t the kids and I can’t live with you anymore.

The WTF moment. I came in last night and he had ripped up the carpet in the living room. I had mention a few weeks ago that I wanted to put some tile down because the carpet is super old. I now have a concrete floor in my living room. It’s not a huge deal it’s just super weird. I can’t get him to mow the grass or take out the trash but he’ll do the demo of the living room?

He’s going to be super hungover today his party is going to be super fun! Did I mention that he doesn’t like surprises or parties? This was my MILs idea.

FarmGirl

I am divorced from my alcoholic ex-husband. But he used to tear up our house and start projects in the throes of drinking that never got completed. I know currently he and his girlfriend have been living in our old home and have remove the wall in the master bedroom that separated the spare bedroom. They have sub flooring exposed where the wall used to be have never painted the walls after they removed wallpaper and have been living in that kind of environment for over a year. I have lived the life you are currently in and it is so frustrating. Not fun having stuff tore up and if he doesn't finish it himself I would just hire it done. I hope he gets better. More importantly I hope you take care of yourself.

trailmix

It's interesting in just your short post you mention two things that won't go over well that are the MIL's ideas. The intervention and the surprise party.

Sometimes how someone sees a family member and how others do is based on their personality and perception. While both these things on the surface seem like very caring and nice things to do (because they are) to your AH they are not. Maybe considered meddling, not listening to what he wants, trying too hard to involve themselves in his life. Maybe those are his memories of childhood.

Anyway, it just brought that to mind when you mentioned that.

I'm glad they are happy for you to stay with them.

BoxinRotz

I remember telling AH ideas I had with the kitchen. What a huge mistake! He demolished our home.

marie1960

Parents of adult children sometimes fail to realize that we are no longer in charge. Our once beautiful little children, are now adults , and can live as they see fit. The intervention will fall on deaf ears, unless he is ready to accept responsibility, seek help for himself, and do the actual work that is involved in a recovery program.

I stumbled upon this site 6-7 years ago. I knew absolutely nothing about the beast of addiction. I had to educate myself to completely understand what I was up against. Sounds like you MIL could use some additional knowledge regarding addiction, it will make it easier for her when her baby boy dismisses her heartfelt concerns.

Ladybird579

Neither option will work cos he has to decide it is what he wants. Not be taken like a child. I am not an alcoholic but personally the idea of any family intervention would make my blood boil so I can see how it does not go down well. He has to want it. Nothing else will work. Even if he wants it it might not work.

You have my empathy with the house. I lived in a building site for 20 years while exah pulled down and ripped up and knocked out walls, floors, ceilings, chimney brests, you name it... usually after the rooms involved had been redecorated and carpeted. I've lost count of the furnishings and carpets he ruined, my cell phone got caught in the crossfire of his brick dust escapades, our guinea pigs nearly choked to death. The mess was endless. It's interesting that op have said their alcoholics do it too.

atalose

I think that approach will result in you being stuck in a car with an angry defensive alcoholic.

Maybe reverse that plan, tell him how you feel about his drinking and that if he does not seek help you plan on leaving with the children. Then provide him the option of the VA substance abuse clinic and leave it in his hands. Set a time period for yourself on him taking real action not just lip service.

hopeful4

Sending you a big hug. My XAH would start big projects (that he could not finish) even though he contributed nothing else to the household. It always ended up a mess.

I second what atalose just said above.

Huge hugs to you.

firebolt

Ugg the drunken home projects.

I vividly remember taking a mental snapshot as I pulled out of the driveway with the last of my belongings, of the shoddily hung, messy painted, and globs of silicone on the new garage trim....that xabf had hung, painted and siliconed at the same time (around midnight) the week earlier.

One of MANY late night DIY home projects.

I hope your new tile is installed soon....and is flush

NYCDoglvr

Ditto........neither option will work. Alcoholics only get sober if they have a burning desire to do so and there is nothing family/friends can say or do to get someone to stop. I suggest shifting the focus from him to yourself and self-care. Alanon was a huge support that taught me to look at my part in the relationship.

alwayscovering

I'm going to lowe's today to look at tile. I just hadn't bought it yet because I hadn't decided when I wanted to do it. Packing up and dismantling the entertainment center is not something I really wanted to deal with. I'm okay with the concrete floor for now. It's all one color and sealed so it's not horrible. I will be putting the tile in myself thanks to my master carpenter dad who taught me to do all that stuff. I'll be doing it on a weekend AH is working. Which actually bothers me because I used to love teaching him how to do the construction stuff. His loss I guess.

trailmix

Hey that's great that you can tile! I hope you find the tiles you like and the job goes well.

Interesting observation that you make. He puts off mowing the lawn and taking out the garbage but rips up the carpet on a whim.

That's because it's about him and what he wants to do as opposed to wanting to participate in the household or take your part in to consideration, probably.

Well in this case at least you didn't have to rip up the carpet.

alwayscovering

True. I wasn't looking forward to removing the carpet. I just need to keep my renovation ideas to myself. I just can't risk him trying to DIY when he doesn't know what he's doing and creating a bigger more expensive mess.