Sasha1972

Not alcoholism-related but some kind of recovery nonetheless:

1. I was asked to take on some contract (freelance) work of a type I've never done before. Contractor asked me what my hourly rate was. I said I hadn't done this kind of work before, so please give me a range. Contractor said, well, some people charge as much as $x per hour, and the bottom of the range is $y per hour.

A couple of years ago I would have been calculating my own rate from the bottom up - starting from the assumption that I really don't have anything to offer and so I should be grateful for anything anyone wants to pay me. This time, however, I started calculating from the top down - on the assumption that I am actually pretty skilled and experienced at the kind of work the contractor wants me to do, and I know I can do it well. And if I'm asking for more than they want to pay, they can counter-offer. So I said, "My rate is $x-minus-a-little-bit". Contractor said yup, that's fine with us.

2. In July I have three days of all-day meetings at work. School is out. I will also need to get Kid to and from a couple of places that she can't get to on her own (she's pretty independent and is fine with the bus, but the bus doesn't go everywhere). The other members of the team at work do not have kids, let alone full time single parent responsibility with a crazy and unstable ex.

A couple of years ago in this situation I would have been really apologetic about not being able to be there 100%, and would have felt like I needed to compensate and make up for the fact that I have a kid responsibility, as well as the ever-present shame of having such a screwed-up ex-husband. This year I am comfortable saying "I'm going to have to step out for an hour on [day] to pick up Kid, I'll be back at [time]". If people choose to get bent out of shape because the concept of caregiving for kids is alien to them, that's their problem. I am going to be sure that I get a lot of the work done in advance and that everybody knows it, so it will be clear that I'm not just blowing things off.

Together, these incidents both speak to learning about valuing myself, owning what is mine to own, and leaving other people the freedom to do the same.

Nata1980

Sasha - you sound great!

I can relate to work situation - I do the same

wehav2day

That’s all awesome stuff!!

And number one is still me... but I’m trying. You’re an inspiration.

Mango212

SaveHer

I know all about "full time single parent responsibility with a crazy and unstable ex." Normies always think they understand, but alas, they do not. I haven't been around in awhile, so it's nice to see you're still here and doing very, very well!

Sasha1972

Absolutely! I have found that while most people who get divorced have a bad time of it for a while, the bad time has a beginning and an end, and ultimately both parties move on and lead their lives and even if they don't like each other, they can co-operate with respect to the kids. In my social circle, I don't know anyone else who has had such an off-the-charts awful time that even now, seven (!) years after we first separated, I am dealing with cops and restraining orders and suicidal ideation and an ex who will just not leave me and Kid alone. It took me a while to realize that my experience was/is outside the bounds of "normal" divorce misery. This is one reason why Al Anon can be great -you realize that you're not the only person who is "living in the batcave".

Mango212

Thank you.

Al-anon brought me to an awareness of FOO extreme dysfunction. As I recovered from the effects of alcoholism I also found many resources for healing from narcissist/psychopath/extremely bad people who like to look really good.

It is very healthy for me to connect with others who understand what I've been through.