mamabear26

Im feeling so destroyed, distraught, disappointment in myself, angry, hurt, sad and frustrated. STBAXH called today after a few days of not hearing from him. This weekend is my weekend with them (he currently see's them every other weekend from 9am-2pm) to ask if they can over his parents house to swim this weekend. I told him I've given him two opportunities to see them when it is not his weekend and every time he drops the ball. Makes promises to kids and doesn't keep them. Everytime Ive talked to him on the phone for the past 2 months he has been drunk its usually around 3 or 4pm in the afternoon during the week. He got angry when I pointed out that he is not consistent and has dropped the ball with the kids. He began to get angry and tell me that "its my fault because I set the schedule where he can only see them for a few hours. I don't allow him to be father. The only thing I care about is money (child support and alimony he has to pay). He wishes bad upon me. He doesn't have good intentions for me." I was very calm during the conversation. I wasn't speaking in a negative tone or way towards him. I told him I worry about him and hopes that he gets better someday. I told him that I am going to do what I need to do to protect my kids and keep them safe. He was still angry. Until the very end when he told me that "he has not good intentions for me" I told him that he needs to grow up and that speaking to the mother of his children in that way was immature. I then hung up.


I'm so tired of the back and forth. Everytime he asks how kids are doing I answer him through texts he gets upset and says I only answer him using very minimal words. When he comes to pick up kids he is complaining about something. Ive been losing weight and worried about him trying to go back to court and ask for more time. Ive been praying to let God take control and show me what I need to do. My mom today had to finally step in. I told her what he said. She called him from my phone because in the past she has tried calling him from her phone and he wont answer. She told him that he has no right to disrespect me after everything he has put me through. If he wants more time with kids he then needs to step up and show that they are priority and if he doesn't want to that is fine. She told him we all know the reason why he doesn't reach out to kids regularly is because is occupied with a female so he needs to stop acting like he so concerned with them. He didn't say much back to her. My dad got home and we told him what happened. He is going to call him tomorrow.

I feel bad because my parents feel the need to step in but I feel like the situation has been out of control. I'm trying to do my best to not let him get to me or to the kids. He also told me that he has been going through our 6 year old son for information. He says he askes him questions about what goes on in my home. After he accuses me of telling my kids bad stuff about him. He is admitting that he is using our young child for information. I try not to let him get to me but I need a 3rd party to step in. I just blocked him from my phone. Ive asked my mom and dad to be there when I exchange the kids with him. I'm trying to create boundaries with him but he continues to cross the line. Im tired of the verbal, emotional and mental abuse. I'm tired of him using my kids to get information on me. I feel like I'm backed up in a corner and trying to find a way out and away from this man.

marie1960

is there a reason you cannot simply communicate by text only? ( I would not want to be listening to his bullsh*t either). Because of the kids a line of communication must remain available. The last thing you want is to give him any ammunition to run to a judge, and claim you are denying him his kids. Have you contacted your attorney and shared this information? I think that is the next necessary action.

Not sure how your father calling him is going to be helpful, might backfire. I agree someone should be there when he picks up the kids, but perhaps a neutral third party would be best.

His current actions are the normal alcoholic response, he is spiraling and spewing meaningless words, consequences are catching up with him, and it may get worse before it gets better.

Continue to document, document, document, he is sinking his own battleship.

Mango212

Done. Over. Now to refocus the mind. Finding what's in your power vs what isn't. This is where putting more tools in the recovery toolbox pays off. Maybe even visualize the toolbox. Give it a color, a handle, a cool latch to open. Prayer is there. Maybe a music playlist to work your way through? Dishes! Lots of bubbles, warm water and dishes to wash by hand. Constructive ways to redirect the mind, body and spirit.

Symptoms of the disease in the interchange. Yes, it hurts. It's frustrating. It can have the power to ruin my health when I'm not taking positive actions to balance the yo-yo effect I used to feel. Now it's more of a "I'm grounded and I'm mad and it's a normal reaction and I have tools and skills to deal with this."

The more I practice "No." being a complete sentence, the easier it gets. Text messaging also helps with this. It gives me more time to pause, pray, and get in a different heart-space before responding. That heart-space helps a lot in how my brain follows the heart's lead, if that makes any sense?

atalose

What does your LEGAL separation agreement state regarding visits with his children?

hopeful4

Don't feel badly about needing another person to step in. I used a family member for this very thing for a while until I felt more stable with my situation and handling the verbal abuse.

Sending you a big hug!!!

TropicalWinter

I agree with the suggestion that communication should be limited to text only. Doing that with my ex has really helped.

Imagine the following text exchange with good boundaries:

Ex: Can I get the kids to swim at my parents' on Saturday?
You: This is my weekend with the kids per our agreement. They would love to go swimming next weekend.
Ex: blah blah blah blah blah blah (insert random ranting here)
You: *no response*

In that scenario, there's no need for anything except a simple statement reminding him of what the agreement is. There's no arguing, no need for intervention, etc because you're not engaging in drama. He can rant all he wants to, but the beauty of keeping things to text is that you don't have to respond, and everything he says is right there in written form.

Keeping things to text is SO helpful in staving off anxiety and drama.

mamabear26

Hi Marie1960, I have told him in the past that he may only contact me through text. He then promised to communicate better if we communicated through the phone. I prefer to communicate via text only but I gave him a chance. My older son has a cell phone which his father does sometimes text him and call him on but my son never answers his texts or calls anymore because he says the last time he spoke with him on the phone (in January) he sounded drunk and was repeating himself. So my X cant say that I am denying him access to the kids. My older chooses not to communicate with him when it is not his time with them.

I have told my lawyer about him showing up to my house unannounced and the things he tells me. He didn't even responded to my statements. He doesn't care.

I found a link about setting boundaries. They gave some good examples. I am going to send the following text to him:

"If you continue to verbally attack me by threatening me regarding kids and money then phone conversations will end between us and I will only communicate with you through limited text. If you continue with this behavior my Mom or Dad will then be involved in the communication between you and I."


He is afraid of my parents. They have tried calling him numerous times and he never answers. I come from a Latino culture so it not unusual for parents to be involved in situations and showing respect to a elder is a must. He has never been disrespectful to my parents. And this point they don't care whether he likes what they have to say or not. They are tired of his antics and feel like they need to protect me and my kids.


Yes, I have been documenting regularly for the past few months. Thank you for the advice and feedback.

mamabear26

Thank you Mango. I agree and yes it makes perfect sense. The communication between us has to change. There is no way that this will continue to be healthy for me and my kids. Ive made up my mind to start setting boundaries with him and myself regarding communication. My tough part is learning how to stick with it. I learning as I go on how to adjust to making life for me and my boys happier and easier.

Mango212

Suggestion:

Don't give him another warning, chance to change or a heads up. Simply don't answer phone calls.

It took practice, prayer and help from others in doing this. Now it's easy. Kids know to text me if they don't reach me by phone. Sometimes we don't respond to each right away and that's okay. New ways of communicating allows me more space to heal, to live, to hear God's direction in my life. More space to re-set my inner-compass.

mamabear26

I only have a mediation agreement stating that he has visitation on 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend of every month from 9am-2pm. All holidays he will visit with them from 11am-2pm (Christmas Day, Fourth of July, Easter, Thanksgiving, Father's Day). We must keep each others contact and address information. We must notify each other in case of an emergency.


In my divorce settlement which is being processed I have more detailed such as no alcohol 12 hrs before and drug and alcohol testing etc. Visitation hours will be from 8am-4pm on the 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend. However, there is no holiday schedule set.

trailmix

Hi mamabear, yes a terrible exchange and very unsettling for you, so sorry you are going through this.

The thing is, he has his own agenda and really isn't listening it would seem.

JADE - Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.

This will be your friend. Personally I would have avoided that whole exchange today.

Can I have the kids over for swimming? My answer would have been no.

That's all - no.

You don't need to justify your reasons, you don't need to rehash visitation and you certainly don't need to listen to his threats. It accomplishes exactly nothing except to upset you and allow him to vent.

mamabear26

I just feel bad that my parents are being put in this very difficult situation. They deserve peace as well. But they both have explained to me that they are going to do whatever it takes so that me and kids have healthy life.

Thank you Hopeful4 : )

mamabear26

Yes, this does sound like a better scenario. I do worry that when the kids are with him and I need to contact him regarding kids he will not answer or respond to me because he has does this in the past. That is kind of the reason why I was choosing to answer his calls because I wouldn't want him to ignore my calls regarding children. I don't ever call him. He is always the one who calls me. I rarely reach out to him via text. The only time when I reach out is when I have something specific to state regarding kids. I trying to find a healthy balance of communication with him, its tough. But its necessary.

mamabear26

Hi Trailmix, I do kick myself in the butt because I know that I need to take control of the conversation and end it when he starts with threats. I'm learning how to stand my ground in a healthy way without causing the situation to worsen. Maybe yesterday's conversation needed to happen for me in order to start setting some real boundaries. I pray things get better.

mamabear26

Yes, last week I didn't answer his calls at all. He texted me "why don't you answer anymore." When he came to pick up kids last Saturday he was rude to me in front of kids because I responded to him via text only. That's why I feel its best to have a 3rd party there when we exchange kids because its less likely he will begin to complain or threaten me in person if someone else is around.

mamabear26

Thank you all for your responses. I have had a few days of no contact with my X. He did try to call yesterday but I had blocked his number. He texted my son yesterday but my son did not respond (his choice). I have had time to think about everything that has occurred. I have know him for 14 years now. And in those 14 years the only good year we had was the 1st year we dated after that everything went down hill. I have been caught in this toxic cycle with him for way too long. I thought by standing up for myself he would stop but that never happened. He still lies, manipulates, and psychologically abuses me till this day. I have not told many people this but there have been a few incidents where he became physical with me. He still to this day says "I never have hit you." He physically tried to throw me out of our house. I had scratch marks and bruises on chest, wrists and arms. Another incident when he tried to close an iron-rod door on my hands to smash them. He apologized and I forgave him. I cant do it anymore. I have been losing weight, not sleeping, not eating well, constantly questioning my decisions regarding kids and asking myself if I am crazy like he says I am. This cycle with him is making me sick, literally. He seems to have moved on to his next victim but comes back around to mess with his old one ….. me because I have let him. I am promising to myself from this day forward that I will not engage in phone conversations with him. I will have a 3rd party be present for picks and drop offs with boys. Keep all communication limited and about kids. I do appreciate all the support and feedback from everyone. I should have listened to it right away but my heart got in the way. Thank you everyone.

trailmix

So glad you are instituting that for yourself!

So, to "should have listened right away" well, you were just asserting yourself, nothing wrong with that! You wanted to come to your own decisions in your own time. I personally think you are doing amazingly well!

My Father hit my Mother on several occasions. I personally witnessed it. He would say - I have never hit your Mother. Of course, growing up with an alcoholic parent this was not surprising. What is right there in front of your eyes did not happen! It's just accepted, I mean you know it happened but someone saying it didn't happen is "normal" and you just carry on!

In hindsight it's ridiculous.

AnvilheadII

i know you said you were worried that by reducing YOUR contact with him to text only and limited at that, that he would turn around and do tit for tat even if there was an emergency.

but your kid's have phones right? so THEY have a means of reaching you. that is all that matters.

give Mr. Puffnstuff less ammo.......less words, less REACTION. that is what he wants. to yank your chain. why? cuz it worked in the past.

another option for "safety" is do the kid exchange at a public place, NOT your home. or making sure he doesn't cross the threshold. he can wait in the damn car. or you don't go to the door. it's not like he has them for two weeks and has to give the updates on the Dengue Fever treatment one of them contracted while in the Congo.

mamabear26

I have came to the conclusion, that something has to change and that starts with me. Im tired of living in this hell. Tomorrow we have a family therapy. He just texted and called me asking for the address and what time I was leaving. I texted him the address. He asked me for my opinion if he still should go or not. I responded "your choice". He said he wants my opinion *rolling eyes* I responded again "your choice." The game for my attention has began after several days of no contact. I hope all goes well for me and boys with therapy tomorrow.

mamabear26

Yes, my older son has a cell phone. I need to get him a new one because sometimes the volume is low on it and cant really hear on it.

My parents, cousin or friend will be with me when we exchange kids so it will hopefully lessen the chance for arguments since a 3rd party will be near. He is very timid and scared around my parents so he will not dare open his mouth about anything around them.

Im trying to keep things a causal and straight to the point when we text, hopefully he gets the hint and stops trying to call me. He called yesterday, I never called back. He called today as well. The light blub finally turned on in his head to text me and I sent a brief response.