Just told alcoholic girlfriend's parents about her problem
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Just told alcoholic girlfriend's parents about her problem
I'm 33 and have been dating a 35 yo woman for almost half a year. It became obvious pretty early on that she had a drinking problem. We couldn't go out without her having to have a few drinks and she always needed more on the way home. There were a few days where she collapsed from drinking or couldn't function. Like many have experienced, she also has the split personality when she drinks and gets extremely angry, combative, and delusional. There were a number of times she drove intoxicated as well.
I finally brought this up with her and made it clear I would leave if another bad episode occurred. She hasn't gone a day without drinking since and became extremely irritable when I suggested not picking up a bottle of wine on the way home as she usually does. She has stuck to 3-5 drinks a day since then. Still a lot, but no full bottles of wine, which is good.
Last night, we went out to dinner before she would go out on her own to a concert with some friends. She drove separately. She had a couple of glasses of wine at dinner and then went to the grocery store to pick up a bottle of wine to bring to her friend's place before the show. It just looked like a recipe for a disaster so I finally felt the urgency to reach out to her mother. I feel pretty terrible after revealing this news to them and wonder if it was the right thing to do. Luckily, she controlled herself last night and nothing happened.
They're visiting each other out of town in the next couple of weeks and her parents now plan on intervening. I am pretty terrified of how that will go down. She'll probably want to break up with me instantly for going behind her back, which I'm sure a lot of people believe isn't a bad thing. She also doesn't think she has any problem and I'm just a lightweight that doesn't drink. I purposely don't drink around her as I don't want to encourage it.
If she's showing some signs of restraint, I'm just wondering if it will cause more damage for her family to intervene? I suggested they monitor and only do something if she clearly cannot control herself.
I finally brought this up with her and made it clear I would leave if another bad episode occurred. She hasn't gone a day without drinking since and became extremely irritable when I suggested not picking up a bottle of wine on the way home as she usually does. She has stuck to 3-5 drinks a day since then. Still a lot, but no full bottles of wine, which is good.
Last night, we went out to dinner before she would go out on her own to a concert with some friends. She drove separately. She had a couple of glasses of wine at dinner and then went to the grocery store to pick up a bottle of wine to bring to her friend's place before the show. It just looked like a recipe for a disaster so I finally felt the urgency to reach out to her mother. I feel pretty terrible after revealing this news to them and wonder if it was the right thing to do. Luckily, she controlled herself last night and nothing happened.
They're visiting each other out of town in the next couple of weeks and her parents now plan on intervening. I am pretty terrified of how that will go down. She'll probably want to break up with me instantly for going behind her back, which I'm sure a lot of people believe isn't a bad thing. She also doesn't think she has any problem and I'm just a lightweight that doesn't drink. I purposely don't drink around her as I don't want to encourage it.
If she's showing some signs of restraint, I'm just wondering if it will cause more damage for her family to intervene? I suggested they monitor and only do something if she clearly cannot control herself.
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You've only got 6 months in on her circus. I have 8 years in mine and I found the exit in June. I wish I'd of done it sooner! I'd of saved myself a lot of pain and suffering. I lost everything to his alcoholism. If you want a bright future, you should reconsider your company. This is only my opinion from someone who's been there, done that and ruined the free t-shirt.
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Hi jj,
Well, that is quite the complicated scenario.
What I read in your post is a lot of controlling going on. Monitoring her drinking, telling her parents, dictating how much she should drink. Ensuring someone is "on watch" while she is out of town (her parents).
You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.
The thing is, if you are going to be in a relationship with an addict or anyone really, you basically have to accept them just as they are. That's kind of key. She isn't going to change because you want her to, she has to want to, for herself and no amount of cajoling or telling others etc will change that but it will certainly bring a wagon load of drama in to your life.
She might be able to maintain a lowered drinking amount for a while, but that doesn't appear to be her way and if she is in fact an alcoholic, she will not be able to maintain that for any length of time.
As for causing more damage if her family intervenes? They didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it either.
Well, that is quite the complicated scenario.
What I read in your post is a lot of controlling going on. Monitoring her drinking, telling her parents, dictating how much she should drink. Ensuring someone is "on watch" while she is out of town (her parents).
You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.
The thing is, if you are going to be in a relationship with an addict or anyone really, you basically have to accept them just as they are. That's kind of key. She isn't going to change because you want her to, she has to want to, for herself and no amount of cajoling or telling others etc will change that but it will certainly bring a wagon load of drama in to your life.
She might be able to maintain a lowered drinking amount for a while, but that doesn't appear to be her way and if she is in fact an alcoholic, she will not be able to maintain that for any length of time.
As for causing more damage if her family intervenes? They didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it either.
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This, along with your other thread makes it pretty clear she isn't interested in quitting drinking. That, of course, is her right.
You cannot change her. Neither you nor her parents can make her stop drinking. It's time for you to decide what YOU are going to do. You are just spinning your wheels in this relationship.
You cannot change her. Neither you nor her parents can make her stop drinking. It's time for you to decide what YOU are going to do. You are just spinning your wheels in this relationship.
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I should also make it clear I never told her how much she should drink or if she should quit. I explicitly told her that it would have to be her own decision, but I would leave if she crossed certain red lines - driving drunk, getting black out drunk for no reason, being hostile/aggressive due to drinking etc.
I felt a need to tell her family because I know I may very well be out of the picture soon and she has no support system out here. I felt irresponsible not giving them some warning that she's harming herself and putting herself in these dangerous situations. Her parents had no idea she was drinking that much so at least they can keep tabs on her if I have to leave her. I wouldn't ask anyone to monitor if I didn't think she was in imminent danger of causing harm to herself.
I do care greatly about her outcome whether I'm there or not.
I felt a need to tell her family because I know I may very well be out of the picture soon and she has no support system out here. I felt irresponsible not giving them some warning that she's harming herself and putting herself in these dangerous situations. Her parents had no idea she was drinking that much so at least they can keep tabs on her if I have to leave her. I wouldn't ask anyone to monitor if I didn't think she was in imminent danger of causing harm to herself.
I do care greatly about her outcome whether I'm there or not.
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I do care greatly about her outcome whether I'm there or not.
No doubt you do. It might greatly benefit you to read as much as you can on alcoholism, the progression of the disease and alcoholic behaviors.
It may very well be that she will be able to control her drinking while in her parents presence and there for be able to continue her river of denial that she does not has a drinking problem.
The sad reality is, she does not have an issue with her drinking you do. I would say this is a red flag/deal breaker on a 6 month old relationship wouldn’t you?
No doubt you do. It might greatly benefit you to read as much as you can on alcoholism, the progression of the disease and alcoholic behaviors.
It may very well be that she will be able to control her drinking while in her parents presence and there for be able to continue her river of denial that she does not has a drinking problem.
The sad reality is, she does not have an issue with her drinking you do. I would say this is a red flag/deal breaker on a 6 month old relationship wouldn’t you?
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Jj, I would have done the same thing. I think you've accepted that you cannot control but you are being very caring. It does no good to just stand by and watch the red wagon roll onto the train tracks. Many people have suffered because no one wanted to be "that guy" and say something.
I've lost some friendships this way and they STILL think I'm a judgemental jerk because I was the only one willing to reach out to a family member or say anything. Their AV tells them that I was out of line and they ditched me. But it was worth it because they got help and they are doing so much better now and the other people who care about them are now educated and able to help them because someone broke the ice. It's a brave and selfless thing to do.
I've lost some friendships this way and they STILL think I'm a judgemental jerk because I was the only one willing to reach out to a family member or say anything. Their AV tells them that I was out of line and they ditched me. But it was worth it because they got help and they are doing so much better now and the other people who care about them are now educated and able to help them because someone broke the ice. It's a brave and selfless thing to do.
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Oh, to answer your question, in my experience it does do more damage in a way, but that is usually because it is the first time a person is exposed, and they will rebel. The family may not have a full grasp on the problem or see it firsthand yet. The intervention may not go through, and the ultimatum may not be placed. Giving her the opportunity to react, perhaps by overusing again. If anything it will open the doors, and hopefully she can sustain the after effects until she gets help.
I'm happy that you are freeing yourself of the responsibility and the extra stress. And that you're making sure she's not alone after you go.
I'm happy that you are freeing yourself of the responsibility and the extra stress. And that you're making sure she's not alone after you go.
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jj, something you may want to consider defining:
but I would leave if she crossed certain red lines - driving drunk,
is it going to be ok if she drives after a couple and stops to pick up a bottle on the way to a friends? just not acceptable if she is knee walkin drunk and gets behind the wheel?
also on this:
getting black out drunk for no reason
alcoholics never have a reason to get blackout drunk- only excuses.
but I would leave if she crossed certain red lines - driving drunk,
is it going to be ok if she drives after a couple and stops to pick up a bottle on the way to a friends? just not acceptable if she is knee walkin drunk and gets behind the wheel?
also on this:
getting black out drunk for no reason
alcoholics never have a reason to get blackout drunk- only excuses.
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almost six months....
so five.
i'm really curious as to why if you are so against drinking, or drinking to excess, and you noticed this trait in the person you were dating, that you didn't just STOP right there?
its not your job to fix her, control her drinking, or pressure her to change. that's getting way over into the other person's life......and in a very short period of time. that is what I would look at.....YOUR behavior, not hers. your grasp of problem drinking or alcoholic drinking is pretty uninformed, thus your efforts to "help" this person are misguided.
so five.
i'm really curious as to why if you are so against drinking, or drinking to excess, and you noticed this trait in the person you were dating, that you didn't just STOP right there?
its not your job to fix her, control her drinking, or pressure her to change. that's getting way over into the other person's life......and in a very short period of time. that is what I would look at.....YOUR behavior, not hers. your grasp of problem drinking or alcoholic drinking is pretty uninformed, thus your efforts to "help" this person are misguided.
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JJ
There is so much wisdom packed into this thread. I hope you hear it, digest it and then take it. There is simply no chance of a good relationship with an active alcoholic. She has not even gotten to a place where she has accepted she has a problem. It is going to be a long unenjoyable ride until she gets there. IF she gets there, and that IF has nothing to do with you. You cannot make her see it. So IF she gets to the point that she accepts she has a problem, then she might decide to quit or not quit. You do not want her as a partner the way she is right now, so you should leave. If she quits, then down the road you can reunite if you are both so inclined. But right now, you are in love with who you think she is if she did not drink. You don't know that person and that person may never exist. HUGS I know it is tough.
There is so much wisdom packed into this thread. I hope you hear it, digest it and then take it. There is simply no chance of a good relationship with an active alcoholic. She has not even gotten to a place where she has accepted she has a problem. It is going to be a long unenjoyable ride until she gets there. IF she gets there, and that IF has nothing to do with you. You cannot make her see it. So IF she gets to the point that she accepts she has a problem, then she might decide to quit or not quit. You do not want her as a partner the way she is right now, so you should leave. If she quits, then down the road you can reunite if you are both so inclined. But right now, you are in love with who you think she is if she did not drink. You don't know that person and that person may never exist. HUGS I know it is tough.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
almost six months....
so five.
i'm really curious as to why if you are so against drinking, or drinking to excess, and you noticed this trait in the person you were dating, that you didn't just STOP right there?
its not your job to fix her, control her drinking, or pressure her to change. that's getting way over into the other person's life......and in a very short period of time. that is what I would look at.....YOUR behavior, not hers. your grasp of problem drinking or alcoholic drinking is pretty uninformed, thus your efforts to "help" this person are misguided.
so five.
i'm really curious as to why if you are so against drinking, or drinking to excess, and you noticed this trait in the person you were dating, that you didn't just STOP right there?
its not your job to fix her, control her drinking, or pressure her to change. that's getting way over into the other person's life......and in a very short period of time. that is what I would look at.....YOUR behavior, not hers. your grasp of problem drinking or alcoholic drinking is pretty uninformed, thus your efforts to "help" this person are misguided.
Not sure where you didn't see that. It's incredibly hard to finally say something and it can take a while to know that there's a problem that is bigger than the both of you. You know that. No need to start arguments. "Why didn't you just --" No. It happened, this is where it's at, he is talking about it. Good on him. Don't discourage people from reaching out or talking anymore.
Jj: We are here to support. You've done something, it's happened, this is where you stand now, you are concerned and that is because you are a conscientious person. We are here for you. Keep looking out for number one. You know what to do I think it is clear.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
almost six months....
so five.
i'm really curious as to why if you are so against drinking, or drinking to excess, and you noticed this trait in the person you were dating, that you didn't just STOP right there?
its not your job to fix her, control her drinking, or pressure her to change. that's getting way over into the other person's life......and in a very short period of time. that is what I would look at.....YOUR behavior, not hers. your grasp of problem drinking or alcoholic drinking is pretty uninformed, thus your efforts to "help" this person are misguided.
so five.
i'm really curious as to why if you are so against drinking, or drinking to excess, and you noticed this trait in the person you were dating, that you didn't just STOP right there?
its not your job to fix her, control her drinking, or pressure her to change. that's getting way over into the other person's life......and in a very short period of time. that is what I would look at.....YOUR behavior, not hers. your grasp of problem drinking or alcoholic drinking is pretty uninformed, thus your efforts to "help" this person are misguided.
And I'll repeat, I have never told her what to do. But instead of just leaving, I let her know that I would stay as long as certain things didn't happen again. She has every right to get black out drunk. And I have every right to say I'll leave if she does that.
I've discussed these issues at length with a professional and they agree she is more than likely an alcoholic. I'm not basing this off my own suspicions. And the simple fact is she can't NOT drink. If you can be specific what I am uninformed about, that would be helpful. I know she has to want to do this on her own. And I also know she wants to keep me. I have no delusions that I have any control of that outcome.
In the event we do break up, I am trying to ensure she is cared for or at least someone knows so they don't get a call one day that their daughter is dead without any warning.
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And for the record, she's not driving to the store drunk because she can walk. It's a block from her apartment. And she gets what she needs before she drinks. Her pattern seems to be drinking casually outside and then taking it to excess when she gets home and then just passing out. Thankfully, for hers and others safety, she doesn't really go back out drunk or ever go back to the store. Oddly enough, she's been brutally honest in terms of how much and when she drinks. Doesn't try to hide it at all.
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The replies here are just opinions and views based on experience and what we have seen.
Not everything will apply to you and your girlfriend, of course, thanks for clarifying though.
I get what you are saying about ensuring someone knows what is going on. I guess I have always been of the opinion (alcoholic or not) that adults get to choose their life. Good, bad (in my opinion) it's not my place to judge or to try to manipulate their choices.
Again, I think that of ALL people, I don't reserve that for addicts.
Now, I might be wrong. Maybe everyone with an addict in their life where no one knows outside a relationship should be "handed over" to someone who cares, I don't know.
As they say, take what you like and leave the rest (and I say that in a kind way, although in text it sometimes sounds unkind!)
I wish you both well.
Not everything will apply to you and your girlfriend, of course, thanks for clarifying though.
I get what you are saying about ensuring someone knows what is going on. I guess I have always been of the opinion (alcoholic or not) that adults get to choose their life. Good, bad (in my opinion) it's not my place to judge or to try to manipulate their choices.
Again, I think that of ALL people, I don't reserve that for addicts.
Now, I might be wrong. Maybe everyone with an addict in their life where no one knows outside a relationship should be "handed over" to someone who cares, I don't know.
As they say, take what you like and leave the rest (and I say that in a kind way, although in text it sometimes sounds unkind!)
I wish you both well.
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I am a recovering alcoholic. I just celebrated 10 years sober. So, I know what I am talking about. I lost more than one decent, kind person in my life because of drinking. I remember one in particular telling me that I would end up alone all over of a six-pack of beer. Tough to hear, but I drank for several more years.
I had to be the one who wanted to change. I had to be the one to decide to do whatever it took to live a sober life. Nothing anyone (even my children) said was enough to get me to that point. It is totally an inside job.
So, you can poo poo what I say, but I know from experience. I have been exactly where she is. I know how she feels. You can do whatever you feel you need to do to assuage your conscience, but it really will make no difference to her.
I had to be the one who wanted to change. I had to be the one to decide to do whatever it took to live a sober life. Nothing anyone (even my children) said was enough to get me to that point. It is totally an inside job.
So, you can poo poo what I say, but I know from experience. I have been exactly where she is. I know how she feels. You can do whatever you feel you need to do to assuage your conscience, but it really will make no difference to her.
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JJ
My apologies. My words were harsh. I am just reading what you have shared. Of course you have not shared the joys of your relationship, we don't reach out on a forum to say how happy we are. I am reading only your pain and suffering and her concerning behavior. You love her. She is an alcoholic. You want to help her. That is noble. You have shared with her family. I think that is the correct thing to do. If she was hiding another serious disease from them, I would expect you to tell them. That is what a loving person should do. Different from other diseases, the only cure for this one begins with her accepting that she has it. Please continue with your therapist and alanon to make sure you are not putting your concern for her ahead of yourself. You have a serious relationship and that is to be recognized. I married an alcoholic. He had a long and difficult struggle that was my struggle and my children's as well. He is now 8 years sober. An amazing husband and father. That being said, I would not have gotten engaged and married if I had read the signs and knew what was coming. I would have waited for him to be sober first. I don't think alcoholics are hopeless. I just know my years of trying to get him sober were miserable. Few people I know get sober until something really bad happens. I share that because I want you to have your blinders off in this relationship.
My apologies. My words were harsh. I am just reading what you have shared. Of course you have not shared the joys of your relationship, we don't reach out on a forum to say how happy we are. I am reading only your pain and suffering and her concerning behavior. You love her. She is an alcoholic. You want to help her. That is noble. You have shared with her family. I think that is the correct thing to do. If she was hiding another serious disease from them, I would expect you to tell them. That is what a loving person should do. Different from other diseases, the only cure for this one begins with her accepting that she has it. Please continue with your therapist and alanon to make sure you are not putting your concern for her ahead of yourself. You have a serious relationship and that is to be recognized. I married an alcoholic. He had a long and difficult struggle that was my struggle and my children's as well. He is now 8 years sober. An amazing husband and father. That being said, I would not have gotten engaged and married if I had read the signs and knew what was coming. I would have waited for him to be sober first. I don't think alcoholics are hopeless. I just know my years of trying to get him sober were miserable. Few people I know get sober until something really bad happens. I share that because I want you to have your blinders off in this relationship.
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Originally Posted by suki44883
I am a recovering alcoholic. I just celebrated 10 years sober. So, I know what I am talking about. I lost more than one decent, kind person in my life because of drinking. I remember one in particular telling me that I would end up alone all over of a six-pack of beer. Tough to hear, but I drank for several more years.
I had to be the one who wanted to change. I had to be the one to decide to do whatever it took to live a sober life. Nothing anyone (even my children) said was enough to get me to that point. It is totally an inside job.
So, you can poo poo what I say, but I know from experience. I have been exactly where she is. I know how she feels. You can do whatever you feel you need to do to assuage your conscience, but it really will make no difference to her.
I had to be the one who wanted to change. I had to be the one to decide to do whatever it took to live a sober life. Nothing anyone (even my children) said was enough to get me to that point. It is totally an inside job.
So, you can poo poo what I say, but I know from experience. I have been exactly where she is. I know how she feels. You can do whatever you feel you need to do to assuage your conscience, but it really will make no difference to her.
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