Manipulated by my son again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 61
Manipulated by my son again.
I finally heard from my son after I asked him to leave my home on 1st February this year. His first message was short but friendly and even the therapist said it was okay to reply but if he tried to suck me back in that I should back off immediately.
Well he did suck me back in but I didn’t listen to the therapist’s advice because I was so happy to hear from him and it sounded like he was doing okay, working and trying to set up a business.
I said that I would go and visit him. However he said that he’d appreciate some financial help to speed up his business venture and made a list of what he needed. It totalled around $750. He said he didn’t think it was a good idea for me to visit his town and he didn’t give his address when I asked either. So, as he’d managed to get work and was trying, I agreed to send him the money. He seemed happy and said he was going off to the store where he’d got a job 3 days a week until he could pay for the other stuff he needed to make his business work. All very convincing.
Then yesterday he called me. Very jovial “Hi Mum, I thought I’d call you as I haven’t spoken to you for some time... how are you?” He then went on to say that the store job wasn’t very good and that he only went in for a couple of hours to do training.... etc. Basically he was going to try and get me to give him more money so that he didn’t have to go and work there. My heart sank! That’s when I realised that I had been sucked in again and he was testing me out to see how much I was willing to help him financially. He said he planned to go to LA and resume his music career. I reminded him that he’d tried that 2 years ago and I gave him several thousand dollars and paid for expensive tuition to help him .... and he left after 6 weeks. He got angry and told me to ‘forget the past’. I cut the call short and told him I had to go. He tried calling me again later but I didn’t pick up.
I’m so sick of this 38 year old trying yet again to sponge off his old Mum who is on her own without very much at all and no pension plan. How dare he do this to me again!
Yet again I was hoping to have a ‘normal’ relationship with my son and once again he deceived me. He only made contact again because he wanted money from me. That’s all.
My therapist told me to write and tell him that I was going to give him what he needed in order to make me feel valuable as I felt so worthless. And having realised what motivated me, I wasn’t going to give him anything. He also told me not to contact him again.
That makes me so sad.
I’m in the CoDA program and working the steps. I also have a sponsor, slowly getting better. My recovery means a lot to me. There’s a chance I will find a healthy and loving relationship if I continue with it. I have to put myself first and my life now. My son is 38... he’s made his lifestyle choices. It’s not up to me to finance it.
6 months ago, I would have sent the money and more. I’ve improved, even though I almost got sucked back in to his drama.
Well he did suck me back in but I didn’t listen to the therapist’s advice because I was so happy to hear from him and it sounded like he was doing okay, working and trying to set up a business.
I said that I would go and visit him. However he said that he’d appreciate some financial help to speed up his business venture and made a list of what he needed. It totalled around $750. He said he didn’t think it was a good idea for me to visit his town and he didn’t give his address when I asked either. So, as he’d managed to get work and was trying, I agreed to send him the money. He seemed happy and said he was going off to the store where he’d got a job 3 days a week until he could pay for the other stuff he needed to make his business work. All very convincing.
Then yesterday he called me. Very jovial “Hi Mum, I thought I’d call you as I haven’t spoken to you for some time... how are you?” He then went on to say that the store job wasn’t very good and that he only went in for a couple of hours to do training.... etc. Basically he was going to try and get me to give him more money so that he didn’t have to go and work there. My heart sank! That’s when I realised that I had been sucked in again and he was testing me out to see how much I was willing to help him financially. He said he planned to go to LA and resume his music career. I reminded him that he’d tried that 2 years ago and I gave him several thousand dollars and paid for expensive tuition to help him .... and he left after 6 weeks. He got angry and told me to ‘forget the past’. I cut the call short and told him I had to go. He tried calling me again later but I didn’t pick up.
I’m so sick of this 38 year old trying yet again to sponge off his old Mum who is on her own without very much at all and no pension plan. How dare he do this to me again!
Yet again I was hoping to have a ‘normal’ relationship with my son and once again he deceived me. He only made contact again because he wanted money from me. That’s all.
My therapist told me to write and tell him that I was going to give him what he needed in order to make me feel valuable as I felt so worthless. And having realised what motivated me, I wasn’t going to give him anything. He also told me not to contact him again.
That makes me so sad.
I’m in the CoDA program and working the steps. I also have a sponsor, slowly getting better. My recovery means a lot to me. There’s a chance I will find a healthy and loving relationship if I continue with it. I have to put myself first and my life now. My son is 38... he’s made his lifestyle choices. It’s not up to me to finance it.
6 months ago, I would have sent the money and more. I’ve improved, even though I almost got sucked back in to his drama.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Codium, having adult children myself, I understand how much we care for them, even after childhood. I think you had a little lapse, but pulled yourself out of it very quickly. Like you said, a definite improvement.
I do find it hard to get inside the head of those who would take advantage of love to rip another off, but it happens, and on a much bigger scale than your son's efforts.
I'm glad you're seeing a therapist and making progress.
I do find it hard to get inside the head of those who would take advantage of love to rip another off, but it happens, and on a much bigger scale than your son's efforts.
I'm glad you're seeing a therapist and making progress.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Kudos to you CodiMum for recognizing this act quickly and not diving in with both feet! Just keep working on yourself. Your son will try all his old tricks to see if he can find the weak spots. You're doing great!
Hugs
TT
Hugs
TT
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
When we know better, we do better. I am so sorry this unfolded so sadly, and glad that you saw it for what it was fairly quickly.
Sadly, whenever my son asked me for money for any reason, I "knew", I just "knew" that it was a ruse. The grander the scheme, the more money he asked for and fortunately I didn't spend much before I caught on to this.
You and I both have fully adult sons who can and will look after themselves. We need to look after ourselves first, not just financially but emotionally and spiritually. Each morning I say a prayer and give my son's care over to God, it boosts my faith and lets me not live my day in fear or guilt.
Keeping your son in my prayers too.
Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
Sadly, whenever my son asked me for money for any reason, I "knew", I just "knew" that it was a ruse. The grander the scheme, the more money he asked for and fortunately I didn't spend much before I caught on to this.
You and I both have fully adult sons who can and will look after themselves. We need to look after ourselves first, not just financially but emotionally and spiritually. Each morning I say a prayer and give my son's care over to God, it boosts my faith and lets me not live my day in fear or guilt.
Keeping your son in my prayers too.
Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
I am so sorry for your pain. The fact that you got sucked back in is understandable and the fact that as soon as you realized his ruse you didn't allow yourself to be taken again shows how hard you are working to take care of yourself now.
Sending you healing thoughts and prayers!
Sending you healing thoughts and prayers!
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