Need some solid advice for breaking up with a recovered addict
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Need some solid advice for breaking up with a recovered addict
(I looked all over the forum to find a list of rules for posting and I couldn't find any so if I made a mistake please let me know!!!)
Some background info, my mom was an alcoholic for 20 years of my life, she has now been sober between 8 and 10 years. We have honestly forgotten what her final drinking day was. But she is good, really growing and our relationship has made leaps and bounds.
Almost three years ago I met my current boyfriend, he was 2 months shy of 1 year sober, his main addiction was heroin but he also took pills and drank a lot. I, of course, had immediate reservations about dating an addict recovered or not due to my history. But I also thought it wasn't fair to judge him, he is human and flawed but still worth loving.
With great trepidation I agreed to start dating with one condition, he would get one mess up anything after that I knew I wouldn't have the emotional capacity to support him because I gave that all to my mom.
Fast forward, life has been amazing he hasn't relapsed at all, he has grown so much, had steady employment, bought his first vehicle, moved into an apartment with me, and has received multiple promotions.
The problem I'm having is that I think we have reached the end of the road of our relationship. While he has grown in many ways there are others that he has still remained somewhat stunted.
Examples:
I like to plan things especially vacations in advance because I have responsibilities and commitments that I can't just drop and leave on a whim. He always says that he has to live one day at a time and he prefers to be spontaneous.
He doesn't communicate with me and we have run out of things to talk about, we are both at fault on this one but our conversations are always just superficial or non-existent.
His need for physical affection is way less than mine and has always been that way and I thought I could be happy with that but I'm realizing I'm not okay.
We had a big fight our first real one because I tried to start a conversation about how I thought our relationship had fallen into a routine. His reaction was to tell me I was crazy, accuse me of starting a fight because I was bored, with me in tears he walked away didn't try to comfort me, kept saying that he has to have routine (which I didn't disagree with, I said life has routines that are inescapable but that's why people develop hobbies and go on vacations, to break the monotony), at the end we agreed to work on the problem and I reached out to him because I needed comfort and the hug was barely there. So I said that I needed this right now and he said I know but didn't make any effort to hold me tighter. He fell asleep easy that night while I was up till 5 am mind and heart racing.
I don't want to admit it because I love him but I don't think any work we put into this will save it, but I am worried that breaking up with him will set him back in his recovery.
I need some solid advice on whether I should try and make it work if I shouldn't let the fear of his addiction returning keep me from ending things.
Heartbroken but trying to fix it.
Some background info, my mom was an alcoholic for 20 years of my life, she has now been sober between 8 and 10 years. We have honestly forgotten what her final drinking day was. But she is good, really growing and our relationship has made leaps and bounds.
Almost three years ago I met my current boyfriend, he was 2 months shy of 1 year sober, his main addiction was heroin but he also took pills and drank a lot. I, of course, had immediate reservations about dating an addict recovered or not due to my history. But I also thought it wasn't fair to judge him, he is human and flawed but still worth loving.
With great trepidation I agreed to start dating with one condition, he would get one mess up anything after that I knew I wouldn't have the emotional capacity to support him because I gave that all to my mom.
Fast forward, life has been amazing he hasn't relapsed at all, he has grown so much, had steady employment, bought his first vehicle, moved into an apartment with me, and has received multiple promotions.
The problem I'm having is that I think we have reached the end of the road of our relationship. While he has grown in many ways there are others that he has still remained somewhat stunted.
Examples:
I like to plan things especially vacations in advance because I have responsibilities and commitments that I can't just drop and leave on a whim. He always says that he has to live one day at a time and he prefers to be spontaneous.
He doesn't communicate with me and we have run out of things to talk about, we are both at fault on this one but our conversations are always just superficial or non-existent.
His need for physical affection is way less than mine and has always been that way and I thought I could be happy with that but I'm realizing I'm not okay.
We had a big fight our first real one because I tried to start a conversation about how I thought our relationship had fallen into a routine. His reaction was to tell me I was crazy, accuse me of starting a fight because I was bored, with me in tears he walked away didn't try to comfort me, kept saying that he has to have routine (which I didn't disagree with, I said life has routines that are inescapable but that's why people develop hobbies and go on vacations, to break the monotony), at the end we agreed to work on the problem and I reached out to him because I needed comfort and the hug was barely there. So I said that I needed this right now and he said I know but didn't make any effort to hold me tighter. He fell asleep easy that night while I was up till 5 am mind and heart racing.
I don't want to admit it because I love him but I don't think any work we put into this will save it, but I am worried that breaking up with him will set him back in his recovery.
I need some solid advice on whether I should try and make it work if I shouldn't let the fear of his addiction returning keep me from ending things.
Heartbroken but trying to fix it.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi Charlee
Welcome to SR I know that post #1 is a big step Hopefully it ends up being a positive step in the right direction for you.
You mentioned that communication is poor with your BF. How do you know for certain he is totally clean? Addicts can be masters at hiding their use. Heroine or opiate use can be difficult to see.
I don't know how old your BF is nor do I know how long he was a heroine addict - but heroine addicts can be very immature especially if the heroine addiction started at an early age. Ive read that emotional growth in heroine addicts stops at the point where addiction sets in. Ive also read that again depending on the length & amount of heroine used the brain pathways can be damaged to an extent where even given longer term sobriety emotional development does not initiate. Your BF might just be very immature for his age?
You have come to a good place here on SR. I am sure you will get a lot of good advice.
Yes ive been in a relationship with a heroine addict. She became a IV heroine addict at the age of 15. Yes she can act very immature. She is not now or ever has been sober or in recovery.
Welcome to SR I know that post #1 is a big step Hopefully it ends up being a positive step in the right direction for you.
You mentioned that communication is poor with your BF. How do you know for certain he is totally clean? Addicts can be masters at hiding their use. Heroine or opiate use can be difficult to see.
I don't know how old your BF is nor do I know how long he was a heroine addict - but heroine addicts can be very immature especially if the heroine addiction started at an early age. Ive read that emotional growth in heroine addicts stops at the point where addiction sets in. Ive also read that again depending on the length & amount of heroine used the brain pathways can be damaged to an extent where even given longer term sobriety emotional development does not initiate. Your BF might just be very immature for his age?
You have come to a good place here on SR. I am sure you will get a lot of good advice.
Yes ive been in a relationship with a heroine addict. She became a IV heroine addict at the age of 15. Yes she can act very immature. She is not now or ever has been sober or in recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by HardLessons 
Hi Charlee
Welcome to SR I know that post #1 is a big step Hopefully it ends up being a positive step in the right direction for you.
You mentioned that communication is poor with your BF. How do you know for certain he is totally clean? Addicts can be masters at hiding their use. Heroine or opiate use can be difficult to see.
I don't know how old your BF is nor do I know how long he was a heroine addict - but heroine addicts can be very immature especially if the heroine addiction started at an early age. Ive read that emotional growth in heroine addicts stops at the point where addiction sets in. Ive also read that again depending on the length & amount of heroine used the brain pathways can be damaged to an extent where even given longer term sobriety emotional development does not initiate. Your BF might just be very immature for his age?
You have come to a good place here on SR. I am sure you will get a lot of good advice.
Welcome to SR I know that post #1 is a big step Hopefully it ends up being a positive step in the right direction for you.
You mentioned that communication is poor with your BF. How do you know for certain he is totally clean? Addicts can be masters at hiding their use. Heroine or opiate use can be difficult to see.
I don't know how old your BF is nor do I know how long he was a heroine addict - but heroine addicts can be very immature especially if the heroine addiction started at an early age. Ive read that emotional growth in heroine addicts stops at the point where addiction sets in. Ive also read that again depending on the length & amount of heroine used the brain pathways can be damaged to an extent where even given longer term sobriety emotional development does not initiate. Your BF might just be very immature for his age?
You have come to a good place here on SR. I am sure you will get a lot of good advice.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by 1234Charlee
I need some solid advice on whether I should try and make it work if I shouldn't let the fear of his addiction returning keep me from ending things.
Frankly staying in a relationship out of fear someone will relapse seems almost impossible. What about your plans and dreams? At what point will you start to get resentful? How long do you put up with that, at what point is it safe to leave and not have him relapse?
Sounds like a pretty bleak plan.
All that said, none of this is pleasant and I'm sure you are hurting as well, but as you said you believe this relationship has run its course and perhaps you aren't doing either of you a favor by staying?
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Charlee
Some of. what you wrote make me think he still might be using. His behavior doesn’t seem normal
Who. Wouldn’t want to plan for a fun vacation. Go away to some beautiful destination just the two of you. An active heroine addict. Doesn’t want to go away on vacation. A steady supply of heroine is way more important. Than any vacation.
Possibly his recovery is shaky to the point where any type of change / dress. such as vacation is way too risky for him
As you may already know Heroine is a depressant it slows the breathing & heart rate. A common side effect. For men Is various sexual dysfunction including ED. Because of it. They shy away from affection. They tend more to isolate in their own world or hang with other users. They are not affectionate As an example. It’s hard to have sex while your nodding out. Sometimes for the purpose of sex they take other stimulant type drugs to counter the effects of heroiine
Btw. Alcohol is also a depressant drug combining with heroine can be deadly
From what you described. He doesn’t seem to be well adjusted & stable enough to be a good partner in a relationship Your fear of him relapsing should you leave. Leads me to believe he may not be stable in recovery. His total focus on his daily regiment Is good for him. But might not be fitting for a healthy relationship
I think you already know your answer concerning this relationship. Your looking here to validate that answer. I came to SR to validate my answer which I already knew
I hope your BF is clean & very solid in his recovery. His recovery from heroine addiction is a life long process
Some of. what you wrote make me think he still might be using. His behavior doesn’t seem normal
Who. Wouldn’t want to plan for a fun vacation. Go away to some beautiful destination just the two of you. An active heroine addict. Doesn’t want to go away on vacation. A steady supply of heroine is way more important. Than any vacation.
Possibly his recovery is shaky to the point where any type of change / dress. such as vacation is way too risky for him
As you may already know Heroine is a depressant it slows the breathing & heart rate. A common side effect. For men Is various sexual dysfunction including ED. Because of it. They shy away from affection. They tend more to isolate in their own world or hang with other users. They are not affectionate As an example. It’s hard to have sex while your nodding out. Sometimes for the purpose of sex they take other stimulant type drugs to counter the effects of heroiine
Btw. Alcohol is also a depressant drug combining with heroine can be deadly
From what you described. He doesn’t seem to be well adjusted & stable enough to be a good partner in a relationship Your fear of him relapsing should you leave. Leads me to believe he may not be stable in recovery. His total focus on his daily regiment Is good for him. But might not be fitting for a healthy relationship
I think you already know your answer concerning this relationship. Your looking here to validate that answer. I came to SR to validate my answer which I already knew
I hope your BF is clean & very solid in his recovery. His recovery from heroine addiction is a life long process
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Welcome to SR! You've landed in a place with some awesome folks!
Hope I don't disappoint you, but I try really hard not to give advice.
That being said, I like to share my experiences that might be beneficial to you.
I am a long-term (27+ years) recovering addict alcoholic. You are not powerful enough to influence how he reacts, ie being set back in his recovery. I have been through divorce, a broken engagement, too many deaths, two daughters in active addiction, and it's up to me how I choose to handle what life throws at me. I believe in my recovery, and protect it like the precious seed it is.
I can also share with you that my disease is threefold: mental, physical, and spiritual. My recovery involves those three areas also. Not everyone progresses at the same rate in recovery, not everyone addresses all those areas. Not everyone turns out to be relationship material either.
Btw, kudos to your mom for her recovery, and your relationship with her!
I wish you the best, my dear!
Hope I don't disappoint you, but I try really hard not to give advice.
That being said, I like to share my experiences that might be beneficial to you.
I am a long-term (27+ years) recovering addict alcoholic. You are not powerful enough to influence how he reacts, ie being set back in his recovery. I have been through divorce, a broken engagement, too many deaths, two daughters in active addiction, and it's up to me how I choose to handle what life throws at me. I believe in my recovery, and protect it like the precious seed it is.
I can also share with you that my disease is threefold: mental, physical, and spiritual. My recovery involves those three areas also. Not everyone progresses at the same rate in recovery, not everyone addresses all those areas. Not everyone turns out to be relationship material either.
Btw, kudos to your mom for her recovery, and your relationship with her!
I wish you the best, my dear!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The best solid advice I could offer is that a relationship cannot exist because of fear and guilt. Let it go and set yourself free. Breakups are painful but not as painful as staying in a relationship that is not making you happy.
Addiction and recovery doesn’t have a different set of rules regarding relationships, the same principals apply. You do not and never did or ever will have that kind of power to make someone else drink or drug or not drink or drug.
Addiction and recovery doesn’t have a different set of rules regarding relationships, the same principals apply. You do not and never did or ever will have that kind of power to make someone else drink or drug or not drink or drug.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
but I am worried that breaking up with him will set him back in his recovery.
you can stop worrying,feeling guilty, and predicting about this.
there is only one thing that can set us back in our recovery and thats ourselves.
he may hurt. if he is IN recovery, he will learn how to handle it- no setback but progress.
you can stop worrying,feeling guilty, and predicting about this.
there is only one thing that can set us back in our recovery and thats ourselves.
he may hurt. if he is IN recovery, he will learn how to handle it- no setback but progress.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by HardLessons
Charlee
Some of. what you wrote make me think he still might be using. His behavior doesn’t seem normal
Who. Wouldn’t want to plan for a fun vacation. Go away to some beautiful destination just the two of you. An active heroine addict. Doesn’t want to go away on vacation. A steady supply of heroine is way more important. Than any vacation.
Possibly his recovery is shaky to the point where any type of change / dress. such as vacation is way too risky for him
As you may already know Heroine is a depressant it slows the breathing & heart rate. A common side effect. For men Is various sexual dysfunction including ED. Because of it. They shy away from affection. They tend more to isolate in their own world or hang with other users. They are not affectionate As an example. It’s hard to have sex while your nodding out. Sometimes for the purpose of sex they take other stimulant type drugs to counter the effects of heroiine
Btw. Alcohol is also a depressant drug combining with heroine can be deadly
From what you described. He doesn’t seem to be well adjusted & stable enough to be a good partner in a relationship Your fear of him relapsing should you leave. Leads me to believe he may not be stable in recovery. His total focus on his daily regiment Is good for him. But might not be fitting for a healthy relationship
I think you already know your answer concerning this relationship. Your looking here to validate that answer. I came to SR to validate my answer which I already knew
I hope your BF is clean & very solid in his recovery. His recovery from heroine addiction is a life long process
Some of. what you wrote make me think he still might be using. His behavior doesn’t seem normal
Who. Wouldn’t want to plan for a fun vacation. Go away to some beautiful destination just the two of you. An active heroine addict. Doesn’t want to go away on vacation. A steady supply of heroine is way more important. Than any vacation.
Possibly his recovery is shaky to the point where any type of change / dress. such as vacation is way too risky for him
As you may already know Heroine is a depressant it slows the breathing & heart rate. A common side effect. For men Is various sexual dysfunction including ED. Because of it. They shy away from affection. They tend more to isolate in their own world or hang with other users. They are not affectionate As an example. It’s hard to have sex while your nodding out. Sometimes for the purpose of sex they take other stimulant type drugs to counter the effects of heroiine
Btw. Alcohol is also a depressant drug combining with heroine can be deadly
From what you described. He doesn’t seem to be well adjusted & stable enough to be a good partner in a relationship Your fear of him relapsing should you leave. Leads me to believe he may not be stable in recovery. His total focus on his daily regiment Is good for him. But might not be fitting for a healthy relationship
I think you already know your answer concerning this relationship. Your looking here to validate that answer. I came to SR to validate my answer which I already knew
I hope your BF is clean & very solid in his recovery. His recovery from heroine addiction is a life long process
The one thing I can say with absolute certainty is that he is still sober. I know that addicts will try to hide their use if they relapse but eventually it will bleed through, my mom could never hide it for long from me when she would start drinking again. He is consistent, unwavering, his sexual appetite has always been the same and he told me it would be that way from the get go, I thought I was okay with that. He doesn't randomly doze off, I've seen his body naked a lot and he doesn't hide it from me or wear socks to hide track marks or anything.
He doesn't want to plan vacations because he's never been a planner and also because he likes to stick to the rules that the recovery program and meetings taught him. I can't fault him for that completely, if it helps him to stay sober I can appreciate it.
We fell into a routine, both of us did but he doesn't think there is a problem with that while I do. I can't fix our entire relationship by myself. We have made tentative plans to go out and do something this sunday so I'll see how that goes.
I do appreciate your insight though!
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