Long time need to vent.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Long time need to vent.
It has be a long time since I posted!
My addict X has been in and out of me and my child’s life for the past 7 years. Every time he disappears he causes hurt. He just appeared after being MIA for about almost a year. He always comes back completely unaware of all the pain he caused. My kids finally getting older, told him exactly how he feels and called him an addict. So guess who he is mad at now? Me. God forbid he takes any responsibility for his actions.
Now, this isn’t about whether or not we should be letting him back in to our life every time he reappears. From the outside it seems easy to block, but my child wanted to see him. I have full custody. He has supervised visits. So I always try to prep my son and say you never know how long this will last just enjoy the time you have with him. Well, this time he really hurt my kid with lies and not following through. So, my kid let him have it! He spoke very well...and communicated exactly how he felt. I was really proud of him. But I knew I would suffer. And we had it out via text this morning.
Can you believe this man was mad at me for telling my child the truth? He felt that I was telling him adult stuff. Really? I’ve had to get this kid therapy and explain why is father was disappearing, canceling visits and being a no show and just lying. I’m fact 2 years ago when he he was having a sober moment ( which seems to be happening now) he told my kid that he was using drugs and when he didn’t show up it was because he was using. So why is he angry at me? Why can’t he see the destruction he caused?
I know, because he is an addict. He is self centered. In a haze and maybe even forgets half the stuff he has done. He has never been around. He lost custody...which he says is all my fault. Nothing to do with keeping my child safe from someone who was on cocaine. Am I suppose to say daddy is on a business trip? He told me that years ago! Which is hilarious as he has been in and out of service jobs constantly!
So here we are again in the middle of his reappearing sober moment. Where he thinks he can come back without consequences and as he always says. “ start fresh”. I told him we can’t start fresh. He needs to deal with the destruction he has caused. He sees this as being unforgiving. This makes me mad. We are constantly forgiving, but this time my kid is angry ( the kids getting older) and can’t just sweep it under the rug. My kid needs to work out these issues and then he can heal which leads to forgiveness. I told this to my addict. I also said, the healing won’t happen if you aren’t truthful. So I don’t know if he will be truthful. He was 2 years ago with my kid and admitted to using drugs. Again, that was a sober moment. But until then he always denied ever being on drugs...even with powder on his nose.
I knew this would eventually happen though. My kid is over it. Neither of us is enabling, or accepting his gaslighting so now he is coming after me. He’s so mad at me. We have called him out on his bull. Which When I do, he always just ignored me. Now it’s coming from his kid, and he thinks I’ve been filling his head....with what ? The truth. How dare I tell my son the truth. Does he really think I should cover for him!? Yeah, I don’t think so. The funny thing is... he is saying things to me that use to really hurt me. I told him nope. Your wrong. That doesn’t work on me anymore, but thanks for trying. Is he really stuck back 7 years ago? He doesn’t have anything else? He has no idea who I am or how much I’ve grown and moved on happily. I just told him... What is true is you hurt our kid and now you have consequences. Gasp! It’s called grow up!
I just don’t get it. I don’t understand how he doesn’t see that I have raised our kid by myself and had to deal/navigate addict behavior. Dealing with an addict when there is a child involved is horrible. But I did. And I have to admit, I’m proud of
Myself. My kid is very emotionally intelligent. He gets it. I’m the one who has to be there for him every day when he says, I miss daddy. I can’t answer where he is, what his job is or who he is living with. I don’t understand why he isn’t thanking me for raising our kid and asking me how he can help his kid deal with his emotions. Instead, it seems (in his eyes) I’m filling his head with adult stuff. Um, your doing drugs. What else am I suppose to tell him? And on that matter I slowly have told my child things based on age appropriateness. It just blows my mind. Addicts are maters of delusion and gaslighting. I know...wasted energy right. I’m evil and always will be. I guess that’s what hurts. I am everything to my child. I have to disicipline and teach and do everything ALL BY MYSELF. Can you believe when I tell this to
My addict he says, that was your choice!!! Just blows my mind. He takes no responsibility for his actions...sound familiar? Again...wasted energy. He’s an addict...maybe even a narcissist. But I feel slighted.
Ugh! I have a feeling tho, this is his last chance. If he disappears again my kid will want nothing to do with him. I just can’t wait until he is 18 and can deal with this on his own. I feel like the mediator. And honestly...I would never tell my kid this, but I’m over it. I have always put my kids needs first and have tried to be fair and kind, but I want nothing to do with this emotional roller coaster. This year I finally set strong boundaries with my X’s family as they call once a year. Last minute I’m in town visits. And now I make it work for me. They never ask how my kid is doing emotionally. They never ask how I’m doing. It’s all so surface I just can’t deal with them anymore. This was really hard because we were all really close for 15 years. Anyways, I have 7 more years of dealing with this crap and then I can BLOCK him and never speak to him ever again. I am planning on a cruise to celebrate my official freedom. Of course, I will always be there for my kid to navigate...but I don’t ever have to text him...it will fly. The past 7 have!
I don’t like being a part of his sober moments. I wish he would disappear forever. He’s just not healthy.
My addict X has been in and out of me and my child’s life for the past 7 years. Every time he disappears he causes hurt. He just appeared after being MIA for about almost a year. He always comes back completely unaware of all the pain he caused. My kids finally getting older, told him exactly how he feels and called him an addict. So guess who he is mad at now? Me. God forbid he takes any responsibility for his actions.
Now, this isn’t about whether or not we should be letting him back in to our life every time he reappears. From the outside it seems easy to block, but my child wanted to see him. I have full custody. He has supervised visits. So I always try to prep my son and say you never know how long this will last just enjoy the time you have with him. Well, this time he really hurt my kid with lies and not following through. So, my kid let him have it! He spoke very well...and communicated exactly how he felt. I was really proud of him. But I knew I would suffer. And we had it out via text this morning.
Can you believe this man was mad at me for telling my child the truth? He felt that I was telling him adult stuff. Really? I’ve had to get this kid therapy and explain why is father was disappearing, canceling visits and being a no show and just lying. I’m fact 2 years ago when he he was having a sober moment ( which seems to be happening now) he told my kid that he was using drugs and when he didn’t show up it was because he was using. So why is he angry at me? Why can’t he see the destruction he caused?
I know, because he is an addict. He is self centered. In a haze and maybe even forgets half the stuff he has done. He has never been around. He lost custody...which he says is all my fault. Nothing to do with keeping my child safe from someone who was on cocaine. Am I suppose to say daddy is on a business trip? He told me that years ago! Which is hilarious as he has been in and out of service jobs constantly!
So here we are again in the middle of his reappearing sober moment. Where he thinks he can come back without consequences and as he always says. “ start fresh”. I told him we can’t start fresh. He needs to deal with the destruction he has caused. He sees this as being unforgiving. This makes me mad. We are constantly forgiving, but this time my kid is angry ( the kids getting older) and can’t just sweep it under the rug. My kid needs to work out these issues and then he can heal which leads to forgiveness. I told this to my addict. I also said, the healing won’t happen if you aren’t truthful. So I don’t know if he will be truthful. He was 2 years ago with my kid and admitted to using drugs. Again, that was a sober moment. But until then he always denied ever being on drugs...even with powder on his nose.
I knew this would eventually happen though. My kid is over it. Neither of us is enabling, or accepting his gaslighting so now he is coming after me. He’s so mad at me. We have called him out on his bull. Which When I do, he always just ignored me. Now it’s coming from his kid, and he thinks I’ve been filling his head....with what ? The truth. How dare I tell my son the truth. Does he really think I should cover for him!? Yeah, I don’t think so. The funny thing is... he is saying things to me that use to really hurt me. I told him nope. Your wrong. That doesn’t work on me anymore, but thanks for trying. Is he really stuck back 7 years ago? He doesn’t have anything else? He has no idea who I am or how much I’ve grown and moved on happily. I just told him... What is true is you hurt our kid and now you have consequences. Gasp! It’s called grow up!
I just don’t get it. I don’t understand how he doesn’t see that I have raised our kid by myself and had to deal/navigate addict behavior. Dealing with an addict when there is a child involved is horrible. But I did. And I have to admit, I’m proud of
Myself. My kid is very emotionally intelligent. He gets it. I’m the one who has to be there for him every day when he says, I miss daddy. I can’t answer where he is, what his job is or who he is living with. I don’t understand why he isn’t thanking me for raising our kid and asking me how he can help his kid deal with his emotions. Instead, it seems (in his eyes) I’m filling his head with adult stuff. Um, your doing drugs. What else am I suppose to tell him? And on that matter I slowly have told my child things based on age appropriateness. It just blows my mind. Addicts are maters of delusion and gaslighting. I know...wasted energy right. I’m evil and always will be. I guess that’s what hurts. I am everything to my child. I have to disicipline and teach and do everything ALL BY MYSELF. Can you believe when I tell this to
My addict he says, that was your choice!!! Just blows my mind. He takes no responsibility for his actions...sound familiar? Again...wasted energy. He’s an addict...maybe even a narcissist. But I feel slighted.
Ugh! I have a feeling tho, this is his last chance. If he disappears again my kid will want nothing to do with him. I just can’t wait until he is 18 and can deal with this on his own. I feel like the mediator. And honestly...I would never tell my kid this, but I’m over it. I have always put my kids needs first and have tried to be fair and kind, but I want nothing to do with this emotional roller coaster. This year I finally set strong boundaries with my X’s family as they call once a year. Last minute I’m in town visits. And now I make it work for me. They never ask how my kid is doing emotionally. They never ask how I’m doing. It’s all so surface I just can’t deal with them anymore. This was really hard because we were all really close for 15 years. Anyways, I have 7 more years of dealing with this crap and then I can BLOCK him and never speak to him ever again. I am planning on a cruise to celebrate my official freedom. Of course, I will always be there for my kid to navigate...but I don’t ever have to text him...it will fly. The past 7 have!
I don’t like being a part of his sober moments. I wish he would disappear forever. He’s just not healthy.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
And we had it out via text this morning.
you didn't HAVE to have it out with him via text. that is what you can do different. it wasn't about arranging a visit, establishing a time or location, or an update on a broken ankle. you DO NOT HAVE TO ENGAGE every time he presses SEND.
you are still letting him rent way too much space in your head. a long seven year argument that neither of you will ever win. he's entitled to his f'd up thinking. leave him to it. accept that he is exactly who he is.
you also do not have to suddenly make time in your life just cuz he decides to remember he has a child out there somewhere. stay on YOUR timetable, not his.
you didn't HAVE to have it out with him via text. that is what you can do different. it wasn't about arranging a visit, establishing a time or location, or an update on a broken ankle. you DO NOT HAVE TO ENGAGE every time he presses SEND.
you are still letting him rent way too much space in your head. a long seven year argument that neither of you will ever win. he's entitled to his f'd up thinking. leave him to it. accept that he is exactly who he is.
you also do not have to suddenly make time in your life just cuz he decides to remember he has a child out there somewhere. stay on YOUR timetable, not his.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Yes. You a right on all points.
Usually I do just as you say. But this time I was mad at him and had it out with him, and now the consequence is I’m upset. So, I should of let it go.
I’m trying to understand why I care what he thinks. Because it doesn’t matter. I know what I’ve done as a parent. I know who I am. So why do I care. I need to let it go. He’s not worth it.
Usually I do just as you say. But this time I was mad at him and had it out with him, and now the consequence is I’m upset. So, I should of let it go.
I’m trying to understand why I care what he thinks. Because it doesn’t matter. I know what I’ve done as a parent. I know who I am. So why do I care. I need to let it go. He’s not worth it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
But I knew I would suffer. And we had it out via text this morning.
You cannot reason with insanity. You know what you know and convincing him doesn't make it any more true or any less painful.
The mother of my son's boy reached a point where she refused to let my son see him because he either didn't show up or it was emotionally upsetting each time whether he showed up or not. I praise her for the wisdom and courage to stand up for her son and protect him from the emotional upheaval an addict can bring into his life.
Talk to your lawyer, see about getting visitation removed or restricted while you get your child into counseling which may help relieve the sadness and anger. It's the kind and loving thing to do.
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