theweirdwife666

Hello all, thanks for having me,

My husband is 4 months sober! Which is amazing! The thing is as you may be able to relate to, I drink and am capable of doing so without crazy self destructive alcoholic tendencies, but I'm sensing that my husband is resentful of me for this.

Like anyone, I'll unwind from a hard day with a glass of wine. And at times I'll let loose and maybe have one too many once in a while, but not really around my husband, because I've been trying to be with him in a sense of solidarity. That's more so with my friends.

On the morning after I've drank responsibly (or sometimes when I get up to pee in the middle of the night) he starts to pick fights with me about irrelevant little things that I did the night before, or just finds every excuse to heavily criticize and nitpick my behavior and talk down to me. Last night a friend came over and we sat on the roof deck. My friend was the last one up there and forgot to close the rooftop door. This morning my husband lectured me about how I apparently don't respect him, and how he's the adult in this relationship always having to pick up the pieces of something I screwed up. I was likened to a child because I forgot to tell my friend to close the door.

This kind of mean-spirited communication over little things, and turning them into big things, is a really unsettling new development since he's become sober.
Of course not to mention that I actually DID take care of him and look out for him the gazillions of times that he was putting his LIFE in danger driving around drunk looking for drugs in a bad neighborhood or puking in the bed.... and had never once called him childish for those problems. I'm saying it feels like he's overreacting in a massive way or trying to create a dramatic situation over something that's not a big deal, and blame it on MY drinking (which was being done responsibly).
It's as if all of a sudden he has ill will towards me. Is it because I can drink like a responsible person and he can't? Is it because he thinks that automatically I have to change my behavior just because he did? I'm so happy that HE is sober, and the bottom line is that I was never the alcoholic - he was. Does he see me drinking and think he's missing out on some connection that we used to have? Is he assuming, even though my drinking is very in control, that I'm out of control, just based on fading memories of a few times when we used to drink together when we BOTH got out of control...???? It feels as if he is the drinking police, counting my drinks, criticizing me for having another, complaining that my extra glass of wine at our nice dinner is "throwing money away" (we're very well off) , things like that. Does anyone know this feeling, or have any experience with it?

Beyond that he's just hyper critical towards me and has even become distant with regards to showing emotion when I have career successes, almost flippant. I do not understand this because he has always been the nicest sweetest man, and he still IS, however there are these really bizarre blips of him criticizing me out of the blue with really poor style of communication which is also an anomaly.

I've been with him 7 years, married for 3. I have built a life with this person and I don't want to throw that away, but I'm getting SERIOUSLY creeped out by this stage of our marriage and wondering if he's going to keep carrying this resentment for his wife who drinks.

Help? Suggestions? Experiences? I feel obnoxiously lost.
Sincerely,
theweirdwife666

AnvilheadII

hi and welcome! it must be so confusing.....dude is finally SOBER, yay!!!! but instead of this being a happy joyful thing, he's also now a sober jackass. boo.

early recovery is a bit of a minefield....some struggle with it more than others. that he is now so hyper focused on you, your actions, the number of ounces you consume and how much they cost, tells me he isn't really "content" being a non-drinker.....and has chosen to make you the personal whipping boy.

assuming you aren't walking around the house with a bottle of wine or jack daniels under you arm from the time you get up in the morning, you have some options.....

you could quit drinking around him altogether, thereby eliminating what seems to be his main beef. however it is likely he'd switch to some other "issue".

you could keep doing what you're doing and try to tune him out when he's on one of his rants. and hope that given a bit more time he'll start to mellow out and not be such a d!ck.

you could tell him straight up to ZIP IT and quit taking his stuff out on you. you could leave the room when he starts up, tell him to talk to the hand, whatever removes you from the lecture.

is he doing anything else besides just NOT drinking? a good support system can really help get thru this stuff with others that know exactly what it feels like to be 4 months or 4 years sober.

theweirdwife666

I guess also I am afraid that maybe he was critical all along, but the alcohol made him forget about things or feel better about things or just be more easy going, so that I never even was AWARE or saw any of his critical tendencies? He was the kind of person who I felt was so beautifully patient but was it just the alcohol which was calming him down and putting him at ease so he didn't feel like he had to be mean-spirited towards me? This is my fear because I don't want to go through yet another marriage where I'm being constantly nitpicked for every little thing. OR, is this just a phase where people are irritated all the time after they stop drinking? THANKS <3

theweirdwife666

anvil head thank you! This makes sense and I think maybe that is what is happening.

He's going to AA meetings most days, and has a sponsor he has a Saturday mettup with most weeks. He's very reserved though, it's clear he has a few AA buddies but he doesn't maintain a lot of friendships outside work or home (me) and never has. I encourage him to make friends with non-drinkers, I invite for him to have people over, etc... I get the feeling it still freaks him out as he's being faced with his social anxieties that he hasn't had to deal with from years of letting the alcohol be social for him. haha.

It's confusing because he says he's not tempted to drink, and seems really solid in his sobriety, however you're right, he's probably not happy about how this has to be his life now. I mean when we first met, we were more or less drinking buddies and the basis of most of our interactions was through alcohol. We got married at a winery for god's sake - it was very much our "thing."

I am going to try to just be assertive and tell him to knock it off. He'll likely call me combative or too defensive or something or accuse me of flipping the problem onto him and not taking responsibility blah blah blah... bottom line is if a husband has an issue with something I do, he knows how to deliver the news in a peaceful way like we've done hundreds of times- he's just choosing not to / to be a jerk instead. HM

Thank you!!!!!

dandylion

ww666....I think that just about every alcoholic who is early in their recovery resents others who can drink like a non-alcoholic....That is the fondest wish of every alcoholic.....to drink normally...Not every one will agree with me on this...but I think an obvious way remove the alcohol as an issue...if that really bothers you....is to just not drink around him....When you are out with other friends, then do what you wish....
But, of course...there is the question of him being hyper critical in general...in which case, I embrace Anvilhead's approach. This is going to take some skill in detaching from him.... ..you can get help with that from al anon...and, a LOT of help from reading the over 100 excellent articles in our SR library...…
They are about alcoholism and the effects o n the loved ones.....You can read and digest one every single day....lol.

I am giving you the following link to those articles...…

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

If your husband stays sober and gets into genuine recovery (which is more than just pitting down the bottle)…..he will not be the same as he was drinking....and, you will not be the same, either , within the relationship. Ultimately, the relationship will be different than the one you initially engaged in.
Relationships are like an intimate "dance" of behaviors....sort of like the Argentine Tango...One can't change the music or the steps without changing the relationship, in some ways.....


LOL....an example of the dance....(in the interest of humor, of course)….

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...C7EB&FORM=VIRE
.

Mummyto2

In my experience when I did 6 months sober, at the start I used to do that to my husband, I think it was resentment and that was wrong of me, our emotions etc are all over the place to start with, hope it gets better for you

dandylion

ww666...I would like to just add one more word.....in general , it is not unusual for alcoholics to be miserable themselves, and miserable to be around, when early sober.....
That is why detaching is humane for all concerned....

totfit

My wife has a glass or two of wine every night. When I was on the fence it might irritate me sometimes. It never tempted me. Thing is though, I don't know that it was really the wine. I think I was just "irritated". He may be going through this stage. Exercise and eating right were the key things that got me over the hump. He is just looking for something right now and unfortunately it is to find fault. If he works on himself, he will soon see what he is doing and can even joke about it and stop himself in place. It is going to be a time for adjustments by both of you. You will no longer be the "caretaker" or hopefully not. I wish you both the best. Communication or efforts to communicate would be key during this time.

EllieJ

Hi ww666,

I have limited experience with the sober alcoholic, but my experience with my live-in boyfriend after he was sober for a few months was that he did go through a lot of emotions...he was really depressed, had a hard time getting his sleep schedule on track, and he became very withdrawn around my friends (particularly if other people were drinking).

I remember thinking something similar to you because he was so patient with me (almost too patient) when he was actively drinking. And then when he quit he starting snapping at me or getting annoyed more easily. However, I was kind of grateful because before it was like I had no faults (and I was critical of him) so when he started getting a little snippy I was like, oh! here he is, a real person! haha.

I was (am) the kind of person who drinks maybe once or twice on the weekends when in a social situation. Once in awhile, when with girlfriends, I'll have enough to get drunk. When my xabf got sober, I cut down my drinking around him almost completely. We'd talk about it before we went out to eat and I'd ask him if he minded if I got a glass of wine or a beer or something. But we really cut down our going out in general. This was weird for us because like you, alcohol was definitely a part of relationship. We loved going to trendy restaurants and getting fancy cocktails... We had to find new things that were going to be "our thing" to do as a couple.

He was only sober a little over 2 months before he hit a bump in the road and we split, but I knew it was going to be a challenging road for us to navigate as a couple . And he was very hypersensitive to any drinking that I did. (when I'd come home from time with my friends he could smell it on me across the room).

My suggestion would be to have a conversation with him about how you are feeling and if he has any insight as to why he is responding so critically to you. If all of this is stemming from resentment towards you still being able to drink, maybe the two of you can set some boundaries that will help both of you feel better.

theweirdwife666

dandelion thank you for all these article links! and haha the tango video.

Things are definitely changing and for the better, in the dance over here... when I compare how it used to be with us, I mean, thank god I don't have to worry about him getting punched for being belligerent and crazy at a show or getting carjacked or actually dying, far less likely for that stuff to happen! And in addition to that as I said I am actually drinking less since he stopped as well. There is some sadness that we can't do things like wine tasting together which was all so pleasant, and we can't toast our anniversary, those little festive things. But we will just have to find new paths.

Perhaps interesting bit I just realized - I mean, we were basically drinking buddies for the last 7 years in addition to being in our relationship - I didn't realize he was an alcoholic or, actually probably just didn't want to admit it- certain times I would drink so much just to keep up with him, and to that end I'm glad it didn't hook me, too, or there'd be a big problem!

So I mean I guess I have a new drinking buddy now, which is my bandmate, basically we get together and drink some wine and write music- getting things done in the process and having fun, maybe my husband is jealous of that connection as well, or feels replaced or something.

ANYWAY THANK YOU everyone for your input and comments and stuff! Keep em coming if you please <3 very grateful for this, my first day on here and already a wealth of information!
-G

Sleepyhollo

Hi WW666
Early recovery is had don everyone involved. My RAH was a 40+ year drinker (started early) and during our marriage attempted to quit several times on his own and in secret (meaning that no one but me knew about it, he would say he quit drinking to lose weight, or because his BP was high) and of course always relapsed. The second to last time he quit he was clean for a year but still the same miserable SOB for the most part a dry drunk (same behaviors but no alcohol to cope with it...). That last year before he got clean was bad for me because I had really started to detach (started that even when had had quit drinking). I finally had my breaking point (he had gotten really bad again) and gave him an ultimatum and I was ready to walk out if he didn’t seek treatment and had it out in the open. It worked because he had gotten to that point himself but needed that finally kick in the butt. Because of his job he got sent to rehab for 90 days. We were both shocked because after all he had quit drinking before (and had been sober 10 days at that point ) so thought it was overkill. As it turned out he needed every minute of it. Drinking g is only a very small part of the problem. It is the behaviors that are the hardest to change and that requires (most of the time) a lot of individual counseling and lots of meeting to get called out on the ********. Pretty much ever addict uses to self medicate to a certain degree and so they need to learn coping skills other than substances for whatever they were trying to deal with I will be honest, rehab was not kind to us. His counselor said that he was very tough to deal with and it took him 7 weeks in inpatient rehab before he finally started to see some of his ways. When he got out after 90 days it was touch and I wasn’t ready (I had mostly stopped talking to him other than the necessities regarding bills and kid stuff) . We started marriage counseling once he got out. He had had some revelations about his actions and behaviors but still had a long way to go (in retrospect). After a few months he really felt that he had done what he needed to do and the rest was up to me (admittedly I have needed an overhaul too with my codependency issues and do counseling once a week still after 1.5 years). And then realiseren that that want the case really. I gues all this to say that it will take time and commitment to make the necessary changes. My RAH had been like this since he was a teen and so that was 40+ years of dysfunction that needed to change. That doesn’t happen in a few weeks or even months. And for him it required a lot of intensive therapy. I’m pretty sure that if had only done AA and maybe outpatient treatment he would not have ever gotten this far. If your H isn’t in individual counseling I strongly suggest he start doing that with someone that has an addiction background. Meeting are good but you get 2-3 Minutes and it isn’t individualized. Marriage counseling wouldn’t be a bad idea either so you have a safe spot to talk about things. After 1.5 years we are still getting divorced. Not what he wanted but after 14 years of dealing with addiction before he got clean it really had done a number on my feelings for him and lots of resentment etc. I was just done when I confronted him but felt like I owed him, our kid and myself a last chance, I think I was too far gone to be honest. We got some things talked out in counseling. I feel bad about it (of course! ) but I’ve been so codependent most of my life that this is the first time I’m really being honest with myself about what I want or need. I’ve always kept the peace and since he wasn’t hitting me etc I figured it wasn’t so bad so I should stay.

Like you, from the beginning (we also basically rebounded from our previous marriage straight into a hot and heavy relationship) we sent our time together always, watching movies/sitting on the porch having snack and wine. We really didn’t have our own life/friends . That started changing for me once we had a kid, i started getting my own mom friends and once she started going to school I started doing more and more with my friends and their kids. He stayed home and was grumpy about work and drank.
Drinking alcohol or not shouldn’t be that big of a deal in a relationship really but I still feel like it sort of is. Because that’s what we used to do together. Like you, for a while, I would drink a lot with him in the hopes that once the bottle was empty he’d stop. Never worked that way and after a while I quit doing that becuse i didn’t not enjoy it. Now that he is sober it has really changed a lot of the dynamics. Of course all our friends drink and it is a huge part of our social get togethers. He doesn’t actually mind that people drink but gets uncomfortable once people start getting a little loose from drinking and I think that’s the biggest issue. Not that everyone gets schloshed every time but you know what I mean. I don’t drink at home alone, I don’t enjoy it, but when I’m out with friends I définitely drink2-3 drinks (usually once a week). When we go out to dinner I usually just have one drink. Last year I got completed wasted (he wasn’t there) unintentionally (the margaritas were really strong ) . I had someone drive me home like a responsible person (I was able to put my kid to bed without too much problem). I think he was annoyed but never said anything. Another time I stayed over at my friends house (he was even out of town) not because I was wasted but just should not be driving. That is pretty unusually for me though but I’m pretty sure it bothered him, mind you that neither time he was at the party. But I’m not gonna change my ways because he has a problem. Maybe that’s selfish but I’m just not going to do it. I won’t drink lie a fool when he is at the party. I would’ve been ok with getting rid of all the alcohol in our house but he didn’t feel that was necessary.
So I get you totally. I don’t know if you are doing alanon ot counseling (would highly suggest it) but I have learned that I also really needed to change myself and take care of me. So we basically are 2 different people than when we met /married. Our dumb marriage counselor said this was a great opportunity for us to start from scratch and it would be like an arranged marriage. That’s great, but arranged marriage don’t ave all the baggage and hurt f on addiction and I’ve had a very hard time getting past that. Also a lot of arranged marriage are not happy....but I digress.
I will admit that my RAH has changed a lot and for the better mostly but still definitely has his moments. Things are very different I think. He is not a bad person at all and I am proud of what he has done as far as sobriety is concerned. He also doesn’t hate his job anymore beucse he now has healthy coping skills. But that doesn’t erase what I’ve lived for many years and how it has affected me and got me to my bottom. We were 2 dysfunctional people that were perfect for the dysfunctional relationship that we had. We definitely had good times obviously but even looking back at those they always involved drinking to a certain degree.
I’m sad that we didn’t make it through (yeah for guilt!!) but I feel like I’ve danced to everyone tune for so long it is time to be honest with myself and accept my feelings. It’s been one of the hardest things to do for me. Just like he had hard time changing his behaviors I am still working on my codependcy issues that take some work getting g rid of as well.
Hopefully you guys haven’t gone down to far into the rabbit hole yet. But I think marriage counseling would be helpful provided you get a good on. He’s on,y 4 months in, which is great but still only a drop in the bucket. Relapse is not uncommon and sobriety will never be guaranteed so I would think about what that would look like for you if that were to happen.
If you avent already educate yourself as much as you can on addiction. Hindsight is 20/20 but I really wish I had found this place a few years ago and had been more educated on addiction, not sure the outcome would’ve been different but it probably would’ve helped me deal with things better even when he was still drinking. But I think thats partially denial on my part, H was functional after all (except for he really wasn’t other than being able to stay sober at work and bring home a paycheck). Emotionally and relationship wise he was not functional at all. But I didn’t get that then

Sorry for the novel, take care of you but also realize that he is still in very early recovery and change takes time. It sounds like he is working a program but that also doesn’t mean that you should just blindly put up with his behaviors just because he is working a program.. Set your boundaries, whatever they may be.

hearthealth

I am going through much if what Sleepyhollo has described. My H has not drank in over nine months. His behavior has not changed. I keep acquiring tools to help me deal or avoid his behavior choices. I recently discovered how affected I have been since childhood, since I don't have to focus my attention on him. Those behavior deficits I possess have kept me from leaving. I don't know what the future will bring but I stay focused on my future. He has yet to relapse I know if he does I will leave. I know what misery his drinking brings.

ScaryTime

Thank you so much for posting this sleepy hollo! I feel like this was written about my life, feelings, and relationship right now. I was going back and forth of do I stay or go even though AH is sober 7 months.
I think it has just been too much and I have started to really “see” things for the very first time in my life. I am in co-dependent recovery as well and every time AH tries to pull me back into the old ways I get very irritable and angry! Our marriage is not going to survive either and I really like the way you put it that we are both recovering from this horrible disease and are emerging into two different people at the end of this. I don’t trust him and he is still so self centered and has (or shows) zero respect for me at all. Even though he is not drinking the behaviors have not changed.
And agree with the other responses that all alcoholics I have talked to have said yes, they are resentful early in their recovery that they cannot responsibly drink.
I don’t drink hardly at all, maybe once a week, most weeks not at all. But when I do yes I am made to feel like I am causing a problem.
I cannot get over my AH’s superior attitude in everything. He has changed jobs and doing very well, and I am very happy for him. I want to grow as well though and it feels like he doesn’t want that and wants me to stay the same...

Lizajane

WW666
Hello there. Your husband is early in his quit. My hubby tried many times unsuccessfully. I was desperate for him to stop for many of the reasons you described. He didn't like if people did not drink around him, or if they did drink around him and got tipsy, or if they drank somewhere else...he was a mess about how he was supposed to socialize with his drinking friends, especially me. He told me I was a hypocrite because I expected him to quit but I didn't. So at that moment I quit. Quit for 3 years. During that time he had his ups and downs, relapses, new quits and finally found peace with AA and a great sponsor. At some point he told me he did not want me to give up alcohol for HIM and resent him. He has been sober for 8 years now. I let alcohol back in my life for the last 7 years and I have decided to try quitting for me. My advice on this is that an alcohol free home and partner will help in these early stages. We took on his transition like a team and worked through some of the challenges of not drinking together. You can imagine that he feels like you still get to have fun and he is closed out of that part of your life. I think many might disagree with me here, but I am sharing my real experience with him. When he was solid in his quit, my drinking never bothered him unless I got buzzed and then he would ask me to be quiet if I was too loud or he would go to bed because it was annoying. Before he was solid in his quit, he was a very irritable person to live with. Picking on stuff just like you described. I would consider joining him in this for a while. Consider it a bit of a test for yourself... what is your relationship with alcohol? Can you really take it or leave it? See if your husband softens towards you when you join him in sobriety.

honeypig

This was true of my situation for much of my marriage to XAH too (19 years married, 21+ together). I saw it early on, when he'd come back from "cards night" w/his friends and be much more affectionate and happy. I enjoyed his good mood, but I felt weird about it b/c I did know they'd been drinking...

And as time went on, yes, definitely I believe the alcohol was used to numb his resentments against me, which were numerous and incredibly varied, including such things as "sitting in the chair that HE likes to sit in to put on his socks". Seriously. You can't make this stuff up.

So the alcohol works to numb those feelings, and can seem to make things better--until it doesn't. Always remember that alcoholism is progressive. What is happening right now, what seems tolerable at this moment, is NOT the way it will always be. It might take years to get worse and it might happen tomorrow. There's no way to know the time frame, but you CAN know that it's a certainty.

Wamama48

It could be just a phase. My RAH is going on 6 months sober. He was cheerful and positive up until 2 months ago when he hit step 4. He is irritable, doesn't really want to talk, is on his own head a lot and is a bit depressed. Honestly, he's a pill to be around. So we just give him his space to work through what he needs to work through. Your RAH may just be irritable and mean. Or he could be at a hard stage in his sobriety. Only you know him that well, and if you think about it, you might have a gut feeling about the true answer. But just because hes having a hard time doesn't give him, or anyone else, free rein to be hurtful. And, Anvilhead's advice is good, Id run with it.

theweirdwife666

WoW BIG thanks to everyone for the wealth of experiences and conversation and wisdom regarding this!!!!! THANK YOU!

There are honestly so many things about all of it that is going through my head right now.

Regarding sobriety vs not vs relapse vs all of that - before I met him, he spent a year with AA (this was probably ten years ago) and I dunno why that never raised a red flag for me whatsoever - he framed it as, he spent time with it, got what he wanted from it, learned a lot about himself and eventually decided perhaps he could "try out" drinking again because he had a better hold on himself after that year. Well of course as I said before, we were essentially drinking buddies but I just took his word for it, being "mature" enough in his words to drink responsibly again. But I had my love blinders on, probably, and I was a young 20-something in a big new fast paced exciting city, so to me, of course I'm going to drink a lot with this wonderful new amazing man in my life who also drinks a lot. I was probably too idealistic or trusting to have even paid attention to that at all. I'd drank somewhat heavily in college, being a student with lots of friends and admittedly at that time, I used alcohol as a coming mechanism for some abuse that I'd suffered a few years prior - now however I no longer use it as a coping mechanism for that. If I'm totally honest I probably DO use it to cope with certain things, and actually when my husband's drinking was really bad, I used alcohol as a coping mechanism to deal with his destructive behavior. So you can see where that's going.

For the last two or three years he's tried a few times with "testing out" sobriety, and finally in this round seems to have admitted to himself that he's an alcoholic. He's tried various counselors, and ditched them when he was told he might want to see about going back to AA meetings like he did in the past. Basically he tried as much as possible to avoid people telling him to get help - and in the meantime, through many cycles of this, I eventually got to the point of not trying to save him anymore, and saying "this is fully on you, and I support you in recovery but it's not my responsibility" and so this year / this rendition of all of it has been WAY easier for me. I wonder actually if my distancing myself emotionally from his issue has caused him to think I don't care, or that it's no big deal.

so there have already been many "I'm drinking now" or "I'm sober now" moments in the past many years, and he's gone from outright being upset if I get to drink and he doesn't, to being passive aggressive if I get to drink and he doesn't. I've actually been forgetting (or subconsciously sweeping under the rug?!) that this is not the first time we've been through this. Each time he seems to commit more robustly to his sobriety which is great, but wow, what a recognition that this has not been our first rodeo.

He also has become distant around my friends who drink, I've told them of his sobriety and they're respectful of that and try not to get too crazy when they come over or when we all go to dinner. Alcohol or not, though, my friends and I gab on like crazy geese squawking and hooting and hollering because that's just what we do. My best friend other than husband happens to be a male, and we are in a band together. Husband has always been more than okay with me maintaining close friendships with men (I have all my life, and he knew that going into our relationship and marriage) but now that he's sober I get the sense that this was yet another thing he had been pushing under his own proverbial rug - the fact that me having male friends bothered him. It's coming out now, in very subtle little ways and I see it now if we all hang out together.

Last thing I guess for now, is that I'm noticing that the past year or so as he's been exploring his sobriety and AA and all that, he's seemed less secure in the fact that I'm a very independent woman, have lots of social connections, am basically high achieving for what I am doing, and that I'm very much my own person. I always have been, but - what I'm trying to say is that certain ways he has begun to regard me in the past year have been borderline misogynistic... Again I hope this is a phase, and that with time he will fully be able to appreciate that I am my own person just like he is his own person, and that his fear of losing control doesn't actually end up smothering me and pushing me away... BLAH

This has been an overwhelmingly sunny marriage / relationship so far even with all the drama of his substance abuse, but the question arises in my mind, was this a relationship that we entered into because he was dulling his fears with alcohol?! Is this a person who truly sees me, appreciates me, and wishes the best for me as we go through life together, or is this a person who has been pushing away these fears for 7 years and now will face them for the first time? And yeah, if so, what am I willing to put up with? AND valid question for myself as well - what happens if he goes back to that behavior? Every time, he framed it as a 'choice' to return to drinking, based on XYZ criteria so he made it seem very logical. If he begins to drink again Im automatically more worried about the drugs, because bottom line I think the drugs will kill him and if he drinks, he takes drugs eventually. The amount he was taking was ridiculous and I feared for a heart attack or death, honestly.

I think my desire to keep the peace has definitely come at the cost of my own happiness before in this relationship, and I don't want to make that mistake again, but I have no idea where I draw the line. It'd break both our hearts to end things, and I'm kind of a commitment freak but perhaps I need to work on that if it damages us both in the process!

Sorry for the long long comment, and this is just me reflecting on all this and taking it in. I would welcome any other thoughts on this!!!!!!

THANK YOU and bless all of you

theweirdwife666

I could also add if this makes any difference, many of my friends ( / my husband is friends with them in a way as well) are heroin addicts, granted that's a totally different animal but nevertheless I feel like there's known support there to talk about this stuff with our friends but he seems reluctant to reach out to them. I think he thinks those people are too crazy to relate to him but who knows. These friends have been great support for me as well, to understanding how addiction works and how recovery tends to go... said friends are 3, 5, and 15+ years sober heck yes! So they seem to be able to navigate most of the weirdness of life having come off the stuff and having faced themselves and life fully... I'm sincerely hoping the same for my husband
thanks again everyone!!

Clover71

Oh. I can totally relate to the chair type thing. Lol

Bernadette

but was it just the alcohol which was calming him down and putting him at ease so he didn't feel like he had to be mean-spirited towards me?

I learned in AlAnon that nothing gets in the way of their drinking.

So if in a family or relationship the A has to act mellow to keep the patterns going that allow for the enabling and their drinking then they stay mellow. If they rule by fear, they rule by fear, if they have to keep a job to have money and have an outward appearance of normalcy that allows them to keep justifying drinking to themselves, then they will get up for work every day hungover.

So the A minus alcohol may be revealing their true selves Or may be struggling with how to operate in the world without manipulating, being accountable for their real unmedicated feelings and learning to cope and communicate for maybe the first time in their lives.

All of their problems to work out are on their side of the street. Yes we want to support, and love. But maintaining detachment helps me to separate my emotions from their often unpredictable behavior and emotions. I always have more peace of mind when I focus on my own problems. And yes, sometimes my problems involve my relationships with my A brothers, and that's when I turn to AlAnon and counseling and SR here, because I usually need help to figure out what things I can change and what things I have to accept and decide if I can live with that peacefully.

I don't drink around my brothers. I don't drink very often anyway. I have a blast at weddings, parties, dinners, anything, without drinking. Drinking around them just feels like I am waving the flag for Team Alcohol. Whether they drink or not or choose to maintain their sobriety is up to them, I know it doesn't make a difference to a person in real recovery if I drink, but I've found it is best for my peace of mind not to drink around them.

Peace,
B