Snufkin

I’m trying to get back on my feet and I’m trying to understand how to cope with my state of mind to avoid another relapse and worse. I’m sorry I didn’t respond to any of you lovely people on my other thread. I’m so embarrassed I want to pretend this never happened.

Each month I hit my lowest at some point and it lasts for days, I’m depressed, suicidal, paranoid and hopeless, I’m acting on impulse and then I self-harm, and then I drink, and then I want to die. I don’t know how to stop this vicious cycle. I’m starting to wonder if I might actually be bipolar.

I’m 3 days sober today and feeling good and hopeful and happy again - which is not that great because that’s when denial hits and I feel like all these terrible things I’ve done just never happened, or that it couldn’t possibly be me.

It’s good to be here, I love and appreciate this community so much, and I’m sorry about my craziness...

I want a sober life and I want to get better.

Going to a meeting tonight.

Thank you for reading

Nonsensical

Glad you found your way back to us Snufkin!

Recognizing that this will almost certainly happen (again) is a very positive sign. You know there will be some obstacles ahead. Now we need a plan to deal with them. You've got a meeting lined up for today - that's a great start!

You post like someone who wants to get better, you recognize there will be obstacles, and you're making plans to get around those obstacles.

Keep up the great work!

Dee74

If you think you might be bipolar, maybe seeing a Dr is a good idea Snuf?

D

Snufkin

I’m seeing a pdoc and my GP every three weeks to review my meds, but I’m not entirely honest with them about anything really, especially my drinking. They can’t help if I don’t talk. I have to do something about it.

andyh

sorry you're have a rough time of it Snufkin. I held back from telling my Dr what was going on with me for a long time, right up until I ended up in rehab. once I did open up, I was able to get some therapy & meds to help me.

funnily enough, Doctors can help you better when they know what you need help with

here's a Moomin to look after you too:

Snufkin

Ohh thank you Andy! Aww I love the illustration so much! I need a caring moomin in my life.

You’re right, I need to learn how to open up and get help I need...

tomsteve

ya know,snufkin( where did your avatar come from,btw? seems i remember that character from childhood books.) it took ya a lot of courage to walk into that meeting. you can use that same courage to open up to your doctor. it would be brave of ya to do that.
do you have any phone numbers from members yet? if you do, use that courage to make a call to them now and then- even if ya just say,"hi. im only calling to do something new and different and say hi."
even if its just to say,"i know ya dont live that far away, but hows the weather over there?"
did you happen to get a big book yet? when i was early in recovery i had quite a problem with the mental obsession( personally this happened about a month in- i was too dam miserable for the first month to even want to drink, but after a month- oh booy!). many,many times i just sat and read the big book. many times i had to reread what i read because i couldnt remember what i read because my mind was all over the place.
and many days i didnt drink one minute at a time. quite often it was down to one second at a time.
there were days all i could do is read the BB,pray, and not drink one second at a time.

biminiblue

Snufkin! So glad you're okay-ish.

It took me a good six months before I felt anywhere close to normal. After the first month I felt stable most of the day - but there is no denying how hard it is and how many layers there are to the healing.

I hope you'll give your anxiety and your body time to settle down. I wish I could tell or somehow show you how much better it gets if you give continuous sobriety a chance.

Read everything that you think might apply - wherever you can find it. I think I read every website and a ton of books. Throw all your intelligence and drive at this and you will be rewarded with a life you can't imagine right now. You can save yourself.

Much love, and thanks for posting. I makes my day to know you're still in the fight.

Snufkin

Thank you all for your support and kind words, your friendship is everything to me. I can’t believe I joined SR almost a year ago and you’re still not giving up on this messed up soul.

I don’t want to ever end up in the ER again and I know that I will if I drink. It’s sad that there’s a part of me that craves this self-destruction.

Gilmer

((((Snuf))))

So happy you’ve come back!

MidnightBlue

Snuf, I know it's hell scary to be completely honest with a doc about all the issues.

But let them help!

Focus on what you want - healthy, sober fullfilling life. Docs hear all kinds of stories every day. They won't be shocked.

Glad you are back.

Snufkin

Tomsteve, I got a few numbers, but my BB study leaves much room for improvement... I want to get serious about this. Yesterday though I had a little problem with one guy from AA, he was very inappropriate and creeped me out a little, so I think I’m gonna stick with women’s meetings from now...

biminiblue

I liked womens' meetings more myself...The basic program of AA can't really let you down if you read the book, do what it suggests and accept that the people in AA are as flawed as we are.

Lizajane

Hi Snufkin
My Mother in Law did not disclose to her doctors about her alcoholism. They were focused on treating her other ailments and prescribed her things she should not have been combining with alcohol. Some encouragement here to disclose. Remember that alcoholism is common so it will not shock them. I am having the same issue with disclosure about my drinking...it begins with those forms you fill out when you sit in the waiting room. Let's both be brave and let the doctor's know all about ourselves so they can truly help. So glad you are back fighting the good fight here. You deserve a sober life.

tomsteve

yyyyyeaaahhh there can be some weird ones in AA. id think it could be wise to stick to womens meeting and attend any others with another member from that womens meetings until ya get further along and get the strength to tell creepers,"bugger off!"
which youre allowed to protect yourself.

SoberLeigh

I am glad that you are back and posting, Snufkin.

Opening up to your doctors and creating a partnership with them could be so beneficial.

Early times in sobriety and recovery are challenging; it can be an emotional and physical roller coaster. It can take the body, mind and spirit some time to heal. It took me many months but, take heart - I am more than a bit older than you; you have the gift of youth on your side.

However long it takes, it worth every second and every effort.

Stay with us. We are 100% on your side.

Stronger2017

Glad to see you back Snufkin🙂

MantaLady

Glad you’re back Snufkin! You are stronger than you give yourself credit for and a beautiful soul too, you just need to learn to see yourself the way we do xx

Opivotal

Took tons of courage to come back and post with such honesty, Snufkin.

I'm so happy you checked in with an update.

Please remember you can always count on us for support.

We understand ... no judgment.

DontRemember

Hang in there,Snuff.