FikesM

I never had a healthy relationship with alcohol. I don’t even know what sense it makes to say (“healthy relationship with alcohol”)...I never learned how to drink to be social because I never struggled with being social so when I did drink I simply abused it because I could and I thought it was cool. My struggle wasn’t daily drinking unless I needed to balance myself out which lasted four days at a time sometimes. My issue was stopping after I felt the alcohol. My limit was blacked out even if I was throwing up I would just pour me another like that wasn’t an indicator to stop.

I now have been sober for 2.5 months and some of my closet friends and family has taken my sobriety personal like I’m taking something away from them. I have sorta built a brand of a non-stop party animal but I am still that same party animal without the drinking. I still provide that same energy I would have if I was drunk or sober simply because I love partying. So, now alcohol is not part of the equation people act like things have changed even though only thing that has changed is my hangover and recovery.


Every time someone says something to me about my sobriety or questions it I get really defensive because I don’t want to be that buzz kill guy and I make sure to be in a good mood when I go out because I don’t want anyone to think I am being that buzz kill because I am sober. I don’t know how to react to the judgement. Like, how should I feel? I feel like I sorta made this “party animal” bed so now I must accept the bs from my peers for being sober?

I don’t know. I still want to be around my friends and I also don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable. How much of this should I actually own and how much of this belongs to the other persons?

Nonsensical

Welcome to SR! Congratulations on 2.5 months sober. That's awesome!

I never experienced this, but I'd have to strongly consider putting some distance between anyone who likes the "FikesM Drunk Show" more than they like FikesM.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

Dee74

Hi and welcome FikesM

Not sure how old you are.

By the end of my drinking, I was nearly 40 and I'd surrounded myself with people who drank like I did.

When I quit, a lot of my mates felt judged, threatened, and angry.

I know this cos they told me.

Every time I ran up against this before, I chose my mates needs over my own.
Finally I chose my own needs.

I was never much of a party animal - not really. It was just a socially sanctioned way to drink to excess.

If party hard guy is the real you - if you're sure of that - then your real friends should support you being sober at whatever parties you find yourself at, no matter how much they like keg chugging.

If they're not supportive, they may not be the friends you think they are.

D

SnazzyDresser

Congrats on your 2.5 months sober, FikesM! Keep focused on the big picture, you're doing great.

FikesM

My partner is my best friend and he feels like I’m taking moments away from our future. We’ve been best friends for 15 years so we have a lot of drunken moments in the past and I think I need to show him we can still have that same amount of good times in the future without alcohol? I got extremely defensive last night because he said it’s an adjustment for him and I honestly don’t know how it’s an adjustment for him.

FikesM

Thank you. We have a boys trip coming up next week and I am so nervous I can’t sleep. This is the first time we’re all meeting up and I’m sober. I feel like I want to drink just to keep the peace and that’s such a stupid thought. I never thought I was the weak feeling type but I feel extremely vulnerable and alone with these feelings.

FikesM

I am not like an idiot party animal in the sense of the word unless I’m drunk..then I’m doing stupid stuff. But, me as a sober “party animal” is me just working the room attempting to make sure everyone is having a good time and trying to make everyone happy.


I am 32. The real me is an entertainer to my core so I don’t need alcohol so I don’t understand why my friends are pressed by this move.

August252015

I think a lot of us can relate, Fikes. I had a persona for a long time as the well heeled girl who was a fun companion....til I went way beyond that and gradually my life fell apart. By the time I stopped drinking I was a great isolationist.

Like Dee and others said, I had to rebuild my social circle- and I did so gradually and careful.

I learned who I really am- I have that work the room, social butterfly thing down pat, always have. I have also realized that I've got a bigger "quiet side," happy to be home with my husband - who is also sober. I'd venture to say it's very normal that your partner said he's affected too. In my experience- as the child of an alcoholic, then as the alcoholic myself- my relationships with others simply had to change bc the dynamics were different than what we had all come to expect.

It's a process and a journey. I was told early on that I needed to focus on me first- that it was self-care and an investment in my permanent recovery- not selfish. To answer your questions....right now in your (awesome) early days, focusing on you is what I would do, and let EVERYONE else, partner included adjust- OR NOT- to this new you.

Best to you- stick close to SR and you will probably see a lot of similarities to your path with others', rather than differences.

Dee74

I understand that - I have friends who are always 'on'
I tried not to make party hard guy sound like a swear word

D

Nonsensical

What did he say when you asked him?

Kdon853

Hi Fikes,
I get it , I have the bar in the backyard and my house was sort of the daily hangout place besides our regular bar. Would have at least 5 guys here drinking for 3 to 4 hours.
7 1/2 months sober , in the beginning people would still come by then it started falling off. I don’t know guess I was boring. I’ve known these guys for 40 yrs . I was angry at first but after a while I accepted it. They still are my friends but I’m doing my own thing. I wasted a lot of time out there. This is better.

doggonecarl

With all the emphasis on partying and "good times" I would have guess younger. Those are the priorities of someone in their 20s.

When I quit, at 53, my drinking was no longer social. I drank alone, hiding it from my wife. I didn't even to to bars anymore. My situation is difference than yours, having to deal with friends and family that only know you has a drinker.

But one thing is common. If we are going to succeed in our recovery, we are going to have to massively change who we are, what we do, and who we do it with. It's probably time to distance yourself from activities that revolve around alcohol. That includes the "boys trip" that you have coming up. Time to be the person you are and who you want to be, not governed by what others think or expect.

Primativo

Personally I wouldn't go on that boys trip. 2 and a half months is too early in my opinion for a weekend away with the boys who will all be pretty much permanently drunk.

Your sobriety is more important than a weekend away. I'm at a similar stage and age (35) at nearly two months sober and I wouldn't go. I'd wait until I have at least a year of sobriety under my belt before going on such a trip. But then I'd ask if I really wanted to go on such a trip which just involves getting completely drunk for days on end.

MissPerfumado

It took me a while to figure out who I was without the alcohol. In my case, in the first year I focussed on recovery and in the second year, began to look afresh at my life priorities. IME, it does take a bit of time to understand who you are without the personality-altering effects of drinking.

It sounds like you're pretty self-aware and reflective. It also sounds like you're doing a great job staying sober! Well done!

I'd be wary of the "people-pleasing" part of your personality. You mentioned you like to work the room to make sure people are having a good time and keeping people happy, that you feel you need to show your partner you can still have good times without alcohol, and that you have thought of drinking just to keep the peace on the boys' trip. I'm no psychiatrist but that seems a lot of thinking of other people's needs and putting them before yours.

Here you are, 2.5 months sober, you obviously knew enough you had a problem to stop, you deserve to pat yourself on the back and look after yourself for a bit. You're not being a buzz kill guy, you're looking after yourself and your physical and emotional wellbeing. That's got to be a good thing for your partner and best friend in life too, just in and of itself.

gettingsmarter

My husband had a hard time with my getting sober. He was in denial that I actually had quit. He didn't think we would ever have fun again. All is much better now.

Be careful of that boys trip. Sounds dangerous. I have 3 years and wouldn't go.

I just skipped my old friends birthday cause it always turns into a drunk fest. It's not fun at all for me.

FikesM

He said he planned our future events and gathering out and it sucks that I don’t drink and now he have to maybe not see some of those things happening.

ElizaD

It's like friends egging someone on to walk a tightrope when they know the person has no balance. Someone who drinks till they blackout or throws up and then pours themselves another drink is someone who should be encouraged to maintain their sobriety. It sounds like it makes your friends feel uncomfortable about their own drinking. Put yourself and what's best for you first.

MindfulMan

I pretty much do whatever I used to do. Without drinking.

But within reason. The last bachelor party in Vegas (a few years before I got sober) involved a roomful of booze, a mountain of cocaine, and some oxys. I wouldn't put myself in that situation now. Not because I'd be tempted, but because I'd be bored watching everyone else get completely obliterated.

I wouldn't put myself on a "boys trip" where partying was a central activity at 2.5 months sober.

Other than that my social life has pretty much been what it was. I have gone wine smelling with friends. Since I can't ingest it I can only get the nose. My friends now love it, because they have a designated driver.

The party house that Kdon described above was my house from about 2003 - 2010. Everyone came over to drink, smoke, barbecue and hang out...it was a beach community. There were four of us who were the core partiers.

I'm sober, but I almost didn't make it.
My roommate died at 49 in 2012.
A constant attendee is in AA and has 5 years now. He got sober not long after I broke up the party in 2010.
The last guy is 18 years younger than me. His wife is an alcoholic and he's a total pothead, but since they had a baby they rarely indulge. Let's hope it stays that way.

rayna87

I get this 150%. A lot of my drinking revolved around partying and brunches and just “having a good time”. Then it eventually crossed over into my everyday life, and i knew there was a difference between me and my happy hour buddies. And even my family.

Just this past weekend, I went to a bar just days sober because my “best friend”/only friend in this somewhat new town would not leave me alone about it. Our “friendship” revolves almost entirely around drinking and shots and unlimited mimosas and happy hours downtown after work. She was drunk at 2pm already, and a few weeks ago I would’ve been too, so there was no having any sort of realistic conversation with her about my newfound sobriety at that time. So I went, because I admittedly kiss this girl’s butt way too much because again she’s kind of all I’ve got here. I tested myself more than I should have, so soon, but I’m proud to say I did it and watching her make a fool of herself, slurring her words and crying for no reason and generally having no idea what was going on, while I sipped on my cranberry juice, just reinforced I’d made the right decision.

She still didn’t let it go, and wanted us to go get drinks to bring back to her boyfriend’s place. A few weeks ago, that’s exactly what we would’ve done, and I would’ve woken up in the morning feeling like death with no memory of the night, yet again. She seemed so confused why I adamantly kept saying no, I will drive you home so you’re safe, then I just want to go home. And like you, I got very defensive about it...even snapped at her once to just stop.

Quitting that lifestyle is a huge change, not only for us but for those around us who we lived it with. At the end of the day, though, we have to take care of ourselves. The real people in your life won’t judge, and you may weed those out very quickly, but that’s for your own good. You’ve made a really good choice!!

Lizajane

Hi Fikes! Congratulations on 2.5 months sober. This is a big deal to your partner because excessive drinkers feel comfortable with excessive drinkers. This is going to be a big transition for both of you. My husband had a really hard time with his friends understanding that he had to QUIT drinking, not just cut down when he went on golfing weekends. There was a lot of pressure to just loosen up and have a couple. Even though these friends knew he had drinking issues. They did not understand the extent to which they were destroying his life. My advice would be to not go on these weekends for now. Until your friends begin to accept your sobriety, spending a long period of time with them in a situation where going home when you felt ready is not an option might not be the best plan. Good luck with this! You are definitely making a good life improving choice. It will just take time to sort out what else might need to change along with this.