Wheeeeee!!! The recovery roller coaster is FUN!!!
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Wheeeeee!!! The recovery roller coaster is FUN!!!
Uh, no. It sucks. Yesterday was a fairly good day. Today, Father’s Day, sucked, at least inside. We went out for lunch, all my girls — my three daughters, my mother-in-Law, and of course, my wife.
For whatever reason I am back to dissecting every word, movement, expression my wife makes, and analyzing whether she still wants to be with me. And I cannot ask her if my feelings are well-founded, because I have asked her a zillion times, and she says I am nuts. Literally. She tells me “no” and that she’s tired of me asking. And that this how you get every time you try to quit.
So I am in between a rock and a hard place. Ask her, and I make things worse, don’t ask her, and I am trapped inside my head. It is. Vicious circle.
So there I am at lunch, (no, I was not wanting a drink), almost unable to eat because my stomach is in knots wondering what is on my wife’s mind.
But yesterday was pretty good with her. Ugh.
My mind is unhinged at times. What also amps up the anxiety is that I KNOW alcohol is not an option. It simply isn’t. Dear Lord, how am I going to survive this roller coaster?! I feel like I’m heading for the looney bin, and no matter what, I am going to lose everything.
Whew, writing that out made me feel a lot better. The only thing I can do is to beat my addiction, and hope our marriage and her love for me is strong enough to make it through all of this. If it isn’t, well, that’s on me. But I will hang on to my sobriety for Dear Life, like I was about to fly off the roller coaster.
That would be bad. 😉
For whatever reason I am back to dissecting every word, movement, expression my wife makes, and analyzing whether she still wants to be with me. And I cannot ask her if my feelings are well-founded, because I have asked her a zillion times, and she says I am nuts. Literally. She tells me “no” and that she’s tired of me asking. And that this how you get every time you try to quit.
So I am in between a rock and a hard place. Ask her, and I make things worse, don’t ask her, and I am trapped inside my head. It is. Vicious circle.
So there I am at lunch, (no, I was not wanting a drink), almost unable to eat because my stomach is in knots wondering what is on my wife’s mind.
But yesterday was pretty good with her. Ugh.
My mind is unhinged at times. What also amps up the anxiety is that I KNOW alcohol is not an option. It simply isn’t. Dear Lord, how am I going to survive this roller coaster?! I feel like I’m heading for the looney bin, and no matter what, I am going to lose everything.
Whew, writing that out made me feel a lot better. The only thing I can do is to beat my addiction, and hope our marriage and her love for me is strong enough to make it through all of this. If it isn’t, well, that’s on me. But I will hang on to my sobriety for Dear Life, like I was about to fly off the roller coaster.
That would be bad. 😉
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 524
I know what you mean about knowing alcohol isn't the answer but then scratching around for something else.
I am only 52 days sober but today I drove for an hour down the motorway. Driving long distances for me is a trigger. I get anxious and used to reach for the bottle so in essence for years I never drove anywhere far.
Halfway into the journey today I got anxious and for a few seconds my mind started panicking..and I had this moment when I thought, " oh my god I'm anxious and I don't even have alcohol as an option to make me feel better, what the hell? If I don't have drink, there is NOTHING that can make me feel better, what am I going to do? arrgghhhhh"
Yet within seconds it was gone and those anxious thoughts had passed. The most important thing we can do with whatever life throws at us, is just not to drink because we realise and know that drinking is not the solution and it will not make us feel better.
I am only 52 days sober but today I drove for an hour down the motorway. Driving long distances for me is a trigger. I get anxious and used to reach for the bottle so in essence for years I never drove anywhere far.
Halfway into the journey today I got anxious and for a few seconds my mind started panicking..and I had this moment when I thought, " oh my god I'm anxious and I don't even have alcohol as an option to make me feel better, what the hell? If I don't have drink, there is NOTHING that can make me feel better, what am I going to do? arrgghhhhh"
Yet within seconds it was gone and those anxious thoughts had passed. The most important thing we can do with whatever life throws at us, is just not to drink because we realise and know that drinking is not the solution and it will not make us feel better.
It gets better. 
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
My personal perspective; Would YOU still be with you? You're, in a sense, putting her into a yes/no "capsule". Red/blue pill.. Is that fair? Do you expect her to put up with this behavior for long? It's NOT her it's YOU! (Unless some seedy marriage stuff led you to the bottle and the it's on you to decide what you want to do.)..However I don't catch that 'vibe'.. I sense that she doesn't trust you(would you trust you?).. IF you want to TRY and remain with her, you have to show her change..not by words,but actions.. Stop blaming outter things on your drinking,man. You drink because you drink..Very simple..Choose your side and run with it.
I was at the 'phase' towards my end drink that I could not see my life without my partner..It was my drinking that had me in that mindset,, Live your life,man..if you want to drink..drink(don't expect anything except horrible nonsense)...or..if you want to get get better,get better. It's work and all that,but..it's better than the other option. Your wife could very well be done with you,but does trying to decifer every move/face she make any difference?..NO. You get sober for yourself,bud.
I was at the 'phase' towards my end drink that I could not see my life without my partner..It was my drinking that had me in that mindset,, Live your life,man..if you want to drink..drink(don't expect anything except horrible nonsense)...or..if you want to get get better,get better. It's work and all that,but..it's better than the other option. Your wife could very well be done with you,but does trying to decifer every move/face she make any difference?..NO. You get sober for yourself,bud.
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Originally Posted by DontRemember 
My personal perspective; Would YOU still be with you? You're, in a sense, putting her into a yes/no "capsule". Red/blue pill.. Is that fair? Do you expect her to put up with this behavior for long? It's NOT her it's YOU! (Unless some seedy marriage stuff led you to the bottle and the it's on you to decide what you want to do.)..However I don't catch that 'vibe'.. I sense that she doesn't trust you(would you trust you?).. IF you want to TRY and remain with her, you have to show her change..not by words,but actions.. Stop blaming outter things on your drinking,man. You drink because you drink..Very simple..Choose your side and run with it.
I was at the 'phase' towards my end drink that I could not see my life without my partner..It was my drinking that had me in that mindset,, Live your life,man..if you want to drink..drink(don't expect anything except horrible nonsense)...or..if you want to get get better,get better. It's work and all that,but..it's better than the other option. Your wife could very well be done with you,but does trying to decifer every move/face she make any difference?..NO. You get sober for yourself,bud.
I was at the 'phase' towards my end drink that I could not see my life without my partner..It was my drinking that had me in that mindset,, Live your life,man..if you want to drink..drink(don't expect anything except horrible nonsense)...or..if you want to get get better,get better. It's work and all that,but..it's better than the other option. Your wife could very well be done with you,but does trying to decifer every move/face she make any difference?..NO. You get sober for yourself,bud.
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Originally Posted by Horn95
I get your overall point, but I am getting sober because no matter what my life will be better. The example of my wife is only to illustrate that one day things are good, bad the next.
Edit: and who are thing's "bad for" you,her or both?..what's the root issue of the bad?
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Originally Posted by DontRemember
Well..that's just the relationship dynamic with another person. Especially when you have been drinking and are extra 'sensitive' to sober surroundings and people, in general. Do you expect her to just accept your "I'm fo'real done THIS TIME!" ....really? Sorry..that doesn't happen in the real world. Get 6mo behind you and see where you're at mentally .
Edit: and who are thing's "bad for" you,her or both?..what's the root issue of the bad?
Edit: and who are thing's "bad for" you,her or both?..what's the root issue of the bad?
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Originally Posted by Horn95
Really, I am being polite. Save the condescension. I was only making the point that my head is a mess. I was not looking for marital advice. Thanks.
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Originally Posted by DontRemember
There was no condescension there/meant.. I'd call it the reality of your situation..personally. Ofcourse your head is a mess! You're coming to 'grips' with your reality without a filter..how couldn't it be? I've been there myself. Do you go to meetings?
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Hey Horn - I'm only checking in because I see that another of your threads seems to be a place for people to voice their own issues on their sobriety etc.
In fact I was taking a break from SR, ironically, for feeling that my straight-forwardness was not appropriate. But this? This is silly. I felt like I needed to post to you.
I understand what you are going through and it sucks. You have too much life experience not to know that what your wife is doing is objectively reasonable - so I, for one, don't feel the need to tell you that.
What I can tell you is that I also relate to the frustration of being questioned by your wife, being told, again, that this time around, this "quit" feels just like the others - even when, deep down, you know it's finally different.
I can't blame my wife and, in fact, I can only nod and take the sh-t and hope that time and my actions will some day eliminate this cycle and these doubts etc.
It's not fun and it's not easy. But, we both know, it's the best path.
Stay strong my guy, and Happy Father's Day.
In fact I was taking a break from SR, ironically, for feeling that my straight-forwardness was not appropriate. But this? This is silly. I felt like I needed to post to you.
I understand what you are going through and it sucks. You have too much life experience not to know that what your wife is doing is objectively reasonable - so I, for one, don't feel the need to tell you that.
What I can tell you is that I also relate to the frustration of being questioned by your wife, being told, again, that this time around, this "quit" feels just like the others - even when, deep down, you know it's finally different.
I can't blame my wife and, in fact, I can only nod and take the sh-t and hope that time and my actions will some day eliminate this cycle and these doubts etc.
It's not fun and it's not easy. But, we both know, it's the best path.
Stay strong my guy, and Happy Father's Day.
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Hi Horn,
I'm glad you posted about how you're feeling. I promise it gets easier as time passes.
I am sure your wife knows that you are insecure right now, if not, maybe just have a conversation about that, and let her know that you will start to feel more secure as you add up that sober time.
What have you been doing to help with your recovery? Have you considered counseling to talk through how you are feeling and a plan to address it.
I'm glad you posted about how you're feeling. I promise it gets easier as time passes.
I am sure your wife knows that you are insecure right now, if not, maybe just have a conversation about that, and let her know that you will start to feel more secure as you add up that sober time.
What have you been doing to help with your recovery? Have you considered counseling to talk through how you are feeling and a plan to address it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by Delilah1
Hi Horn,
I'm glad you posted about how you're feeling. I promise it gets easier as time passes.
I am sure your wife knows that you are insecure right now, if not, maybe just have a conversation about that, and let her know that you will start to feel more secure as you add up that sober time.
What have you been doing to help with your recovery? Have you considered counseling to talk through how you are feeling and a plan to address it.
I'm glad you posted about how you're feeling. I promise it gets easier as time passes.
I am sure your wife knows that you are insecure right now, if not, maybe just have a conversation about that, and let her know that you will start to feel more secure as you add up that sober time.
What have you been doing to help with your recovery? Have you considered counseling to talk through how you are feeling and a plan to address it.
Less, et al., as one who writes quite a lot in my profession, you always say “do not blame the reader for not understanding what you wrote — your writing should be clearer.” It is my fault that what I meant to write was not clear.
I did not mean to complain, or imply I was complaining, about my wife. Indeed, she has been extremely patient and forgiving. She has been wonderful. More so than I probably deserve. In fact, I am very much aware that the wounds inflicted on my marriage are very much my doing. But I did not mean to imply my wife feels a certain way.
Rather, I used the example of my wife and the bogeyman I see everywhere in our marriage for the fact that I see bogeyman EVEYWHERE — especially when they simply are not there. That would include my wife. When I am not freaking out (likely due to f’d up brain chemistry) I see that she loves me and is in this for the long haul. I guess part of the fear is that deep down I do not deserve it, and I am well aware she would be well within her rights to leave my a$$.
But even this evening, without solicitation, she reassured me she loves me and that she has faith that I will beat this thing. Again, I do not deserve her.
But that is not the first time she has said this, and has backed it up with Love and compassion. Yet despite her reassurances, I nonetheless obsess that it just isn’t so.
The same as I am fearful my sons in the service could get in harms way. Or that my business will fail. Or that the earth will die from climate change. The point is that my head is all over the place. Hence, the roller coaster of recovery. The perception of my marriage being one example.
So, to come full circle, my point is to whoever reads this that alcoholism is an awful thing to go through. And while I have spoken mainly about what I am currently going through, I am well aware my family has probably borne the brunt of it. THAT is the worst part of it all.
My sponsor has told me, as we are going through step 3 of AA, I have to stop being so selfish. Indeed, at the heart of alcoholism is a vicious selfishness. But the only way I can be of use to anyone, is to get better. And to get better, it has got to stop being all about me. Selfishness put me squarely within the situation I am in now. But the only way is it with help, and serving others.
I did not mean for this be some tome, originally I was just venting about how messed up my head is. But after writing this, things are much clearer to me about what I need to do.
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Originally Posted by Horn95
Sorry, I misunderstood. I am going to meetings and have a sponsor. But AA can’t do anything about f’d up brain chemistry. Have to tough it out.
ya gonna start workin the steps to have a psychic change or stay on the roller coaster?
do you want to be restored to sanity?
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
going to meetings and not drinkng dont treat alcohism( this reads like the exact thinking you have post during/ shortly after quite a few drunks)
ya gonna start workin the steps to have a psychic change or stay on the roller coaster?
do you want to be restored to sanity?
ya gonna start workin the steps to have a psychic change or stay on the roller coaster?
do you want to be restored to sanity?
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Horn95
Thanks Delilah. I have a written out recovery plan, which I updated after this week with my sponsor. I just need to execute. AA really does help though. My wife is very much aware of how insecure I am right now. And she is being very patient.
Less, et al., as one who writes quite a lot in my profession, you always say “do not blame the reader for not understanding what you wrote — your writing should be clearer.” It is my fault that what I meant to write was not clear.
I did not mean to complain, or imply I was complaining, about my wife. Indeed, she has been extremely patient and forgiving. She has been wonderful. More so than I probably deserve. In fact, I am very much aware that the wounds inflicted on my marriage are very much my doing. But I did not mean to imply my wife feels a certain way.
Rather, I used the example of my wife and the bogeyman I see everywhere in our marriage for the fact that I see bogeyman EVEYWHERE — especially when they simply are not there. That would include my wife. When I am not freaking out (likely due to f’d up brain chemistry) I see that she loves me and is in this for the long haul. I guess part of the fear is that deep down I do not deserve it, and I am well aware she would be well within her rights to leave my a$$.
But even this evening, without solicitation, she reassured me she loves me and that she has faith that I will beat this thing. Again, I do not deserve her.
But that is not the first time she has said this, and has backed it up with Love and compassion. Yet despite her reassurances, I nonetheless obsess that it just isn’t so.
The same as I am fearful my sons in the service could get in harms way. Or that my business will fail. Or that the earth will die from climate change. The point is that my head is all over the place. Hence, the roller coaster of recovery. The perception of my marriage being one example.
So, to come full circle, my point is to whoever reads this that alcoholism is an awful thing to go through. And while I have spoken mainly about what I am currently going through, I am well aware my family has probably borne the brunt of it. THAT is the worst part of it all.
My sponsor has told me, as we are going through step 3 of AA, I have to stop being so selfish. Indeed, at the heart of alcoholism is a vicious selfishness. But the only way I can be of use to anyone, is to get better. And to get better, it has got to stop being all about me. Selfishness put me squarely within the situation I am in now. But the only way is it with help, and serving others.
I did not mean for this be some tome, originally I was just venting about how messed up my head is. But after writing this, things are much clearer to me about what I need to do.
Less, et al., as one who writes quite a lot in my profession, you always say “do not blame the reader for not understanding what you wrote — your writing should be clearer.” It is my fault that what I meant to write was not clear.
I did not mean to complain, or imply I was complaining, about my wife. Indeed, she has been extremely patient and forgiving. She has been wonderful. More so than I probably deserve. In fact, I am very much aware that the wounds inflicted on my marriage are very much my doing. But I did not mean to imply my wife feels a certain way.
Rather, I used the example of my wife and the bogeyman I see everywhere in our marriage for the fact that I see bogeyman EVEYWHERE — especially when they simply are not there. That would include my wife. When I am not freaking out (likely due to f’d up brain chemistry) I see that she loves me and is in this for the long haul. I guess part of the fear is that deep down I do not deserve it, and I am well aware she would be well within her rights to leave my a$$.
But even this evening, without solicitation, she reassured me she loves me and that she has faith that I will beat this thing. Again, I do not deserve her.
But that is not the first time she has said this, and has backed it up with Love and compassion. Yet despite her reassurances, I nonetheless obsess that it just isn’t so.
The same as I am fearful my sons in the service could get in harms way. Or that my business will fail. Or that the earth will die from climate change. The point is that my head is all over the place. Hence, the roller coaster of recovery. The perception of my marriage being one example.
So, to come full circle, my point is to whoever reads this that alcoholism is an awful thing to go through. And while I have spoken mainly about what I am currently going through, I am well aware my family has probably borne the brunt of it. THAT is the worst part of it all.
My sponsor has told me, as we are going through step 3 of AA, I have to stop being so selfish. Indeed, at the heart of alcoholism is a vicious selfishness. But the only way I can be of use to anyone, is to get better. And to get better, it has got to stop being all about me. Selfishness put me squarely within the situation I am in now. But the only way is it with help, and serving others.
I did not mean for this be some tome, originally I was just venting about how messed up my head is. But after writing this, things are much clearer to me about what I need to do.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 543
Originally Posted by Horn95
Uh, no. It sucks. Yesterday was a fairly good day. Today, Father’s Day, sucked, at least inside. We went out for lunch, all my girls — my three daughters, my mother-in-Law, and of course, my wife.
For whatever reason I am back to dissecting every word, movement, expression my wife makes, and analyzing whether she still wants to be with me. And I cannot ask her if my feelings are well-founded, because I have asked her a zillion times, and she says I am nuts. Literally. She tells me “no” and that she’s tired of me asking. And that this how you get every time you try to quit.
So I am in between a rock and a hard place. Ask her, and I make things worse, don’t ask her, and I am trapped inside my head. It is. Vicious circle.
So there I am at lunch, (no, I was not wanting a drink), almost unable to eat because my stomach is in knots wondering what is on my wife’s mind.
But yesterday was pretty good with her. Ugh.
My mind is unhinged at times. What also amps up the anxiety is that I KNOW alcohol is not an option. It simply isn’t. Dear Lord, how am I going to survive this roller coaster?! I feel like I’m heading for the looney bin, and no matter what, I am going to lose everything.
Whew, writing that out made me feel a lot better. The only thing I can do is to beat my addiction, and hope our marriage and her love for me is strong enough to make it through all of this. If it isn’t, well, that’s on me. But I will hang on to my sobriety for Dear Life, like I was about to fly off the roller coaster.
That would be bad. 😉
For whatever reason I am back to dissecting every word, movement, expression my wife makes, and analyzing whether she still wants to be with me. And I cannot ask her if my feelings are well-founded, because I have asked her a zillion times, and she says I am nuts. Literally. She tells me “no” and that she’s tired of me asking. And that this how you get every time you try to quit.
So I am in between a rock and a hard place. Ask her, and I make things worse, don’t ask her, and I am trapped inside my head. It is. Vicious circle.
So there I am at lunch, (no, I was not wanting a drink), almost unable to eat because my stomach is in knots wondering what is on my wife’s mind.
But yesterday was pretty good with her. Ugh.
My mind is unhinged at times. What also amps up the anxiety is that I KNOW alcohol is not an option. It simply isn’t. Dear Lord, how am I going to survive this roller coaster?! I feel like I’m heading for the looney bin, and no matter what, I am going to lose everything.
Whew, writing that out made me feel a lot better. The only thing I can do is to beat my addiction, and hope our marriage and her love for me is strong enough to make it through all of this. If it isn’t, well, that’s on me. But I will hang on to my sobriety for Dear Life, like I was about to fly off the roller coaster.
That would be bad. 😉
Then there is the roller coaster for me. One week off, two weeks on, one week off, one week on, two weeks off, etc.
Eventually... we have to hit our issues head-on... but drinking is not the solution. It only clouds our situations more. Maybe there is a reason we have this enlightenment when sober?
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