Family Event After Emotional Detachment

Old 06-16-2018, 05:59 PM
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Family Event After Emotional Detachment

I’ve had to make a very hard decision of detaching from my mom and sister after a lot of dysfunction that I’ve dealt with my whole life and after having my child decided enough was enough. I haven’t spoken to my AH mother in about two months after I told her I wanted space and said I would reach out when ready. It’s been so freeing not being apart of the drama I have always known. And it’s enlightened me on how my mom uses us children to pin against one another and enjoys it. So I just havent reached out and don’t want to. My sisters husband and my husband had a falling out over my family drama (dont have the energy to write about it, but typical dysfunction that comes with alcoholism) and I decided I let myself be apart of it for too long and now my poor husband has been sucked in, so I just want to be happy and focus on me, my husband and daughter and decided it would be best to detach from my sister because of a lot of horrible things I let her do to me and took it and never stood up for myself. I’ve started meeting new good people and realized I’ve put too much energy into my draining family that I never had the energy to put into people that were actually good for me!

Anyways, my sister is having a baby and originally I was planning her shower. She still wants me to have a part in it and plan it with her husband and I just think it’s so weird and uncomfortable to plan this with a man who threatened to beat up my husband. And my mom is going to be there and ugh I just don’t want to go. But I do love my sister and decided that I will do my part in planning but have as little contact with her husband as possible as he makes me very un easy. I don’t know if I’m doing this because I have grown up to feel guilt for saying no. But I just can’t say no. I told myself after this shower, I’m out. My sister did plan my baby shower so I feel I owe her.

Also I’ve decided to emotionally detach from my sister, but didn’t actually tell her. I’ve just really distanced myself. And choose to be friendly and meet her for lunch every once in a while but that’s it. Should I tell her that I’ve decided to detach or can it just be an unspoken thing. I don’t know.

I’ve been feeling great living my own life, but I knew family events were going to make it hard. I know the best thing is to not go, but I feel almost cowardly. God I hate facing hard things like this. No one has ever stood up for themselves in my family, and now that I have, it’s changed the whole dynamic. It’s so odd, I feel so at peace not being in contact with my family but as soon as my sister texts me I miss her and love her even though I know she’s toxic to me. Same with my mom. She’s been a horrible mother and yet I feel guilt and sadness and love when I think of her. I’m trying to learn that it’s ok to love people from a distance but so difficult.
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Old 06-16-2018, 06:29 PM
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I know it's the 21st century and it's his baby too, but why would father-to-be be engaged in planning a shower for his own child? Sounds a little self serving...that aside...or not, can you contact your sister's best friend, chum from work, (somebody, anybody!) and shoo BIL out of the picture for the planning? You could use the premise that he *shouldn't have to* organize his own baby shower and Best Bud and you have things covered. If you had a really good friend, could you even say "I owe you one. I'm duty bound to this task and I need your support."

As for detachment, I would not bring it up unless asked. I had someone detach from me a couple years ago, made me sad, but I saw and understood what was happening. I thought about asking, but searched myself and realized the relationship as it had been had run it's course. There were differences that won't be resolved. Telling me why would just have been very awkward and made me sadder. She's not a petty person, we're on different paths. We're still Facebook friends, and run into one another now and then, and treat one another politely. There's no benefit to her *explaining why* I'm being rejected from her circle of friends, is there?
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Old 06-16-2018, 07:35 PM
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Originally Posted by velma929 View Post
I know it's the 21st century and it's his baby too, but why would father-to-be be engaged in planning a shower for his own child? Sounds a little self serving...that aside...or not, can you contact your sister's best friend, chum from work, (somebody, anybody!) and shoo BIL out of the picture for the planning? You could use the premise that he *shouldn't have to* organize his own baby shower and Best Bud and you have things covered. If you had a really good friend, could you even say "I owe you one. I'm duty bound to this task and I need your support."

As for detachment, I would not bring it up unless asked. I had someone detach from me a couple years ago, made me sad, but I saw and understood what was happening. I thought about asking, but searched myself and realized the relationship as it had been had run it's course. There were differences that won't be resolved. Telling me why would just have been very awkward and made me sadder. She's not a petty person, we're on different paths. We're still Facebook friends, and run into one another now and then, and treat one another politely. There's no benefit to her *explaining why* I'm being rejected from her circle of friends, is there?
Thank you very much for the comment. He’s very controlling and decided that he wants to plan it. I not only had to detach from my sister because of her involvement with feeling sorry for my AH mother, but the main reason is because her husband is not a good person. He jokes about beating people up with his cousins and that his cousins have been to jail over drugs. Things seem very very sketchy with my sister and her husband and I’m pretty sure they’re involved in some sort of drug selling, but I can’t be sure to what extent. My gut just tells me I need to walk away. I’m not going to bring my baby to the shower because I just don’t feel safe at their place. It’s so sad. She’s just not the person she was before she started seeing him. She used to be very straight up, hard working and strong minded. Now she lets him talk for her and make decisions for her. For a long time I dwelled on the fact that my sister deserves better but what can I do. I just have to let her make mistakes and move on with my life. I feel like I’m going to get a phone call from her saying she needs a place to stay one day and I will have to turn her away. She knows what she was getting into with him.

And I’m sorry that you were on the receiving end of detachment but it’s very enlightening because I can see why I shouldn’t say anything and she will just know that I’ve detached.That’s it, what’s the point of making a sad situation even sadder. It saddens me so much it has to be this way. And I’m sure it does for your friend too for having to detach. But like you said, when its run it’s course, then it’s run it’s course. Can’t force something that is not working.
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Old 06-16-2018, 07:43 PM
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Jess, if you love your sister but want to detach because of the drama surrounding her husband I think you're doing the right thing in meeting her for lunch now and then, and otherwise keeping your distance.
If you want to say anything, perhaps you could form it around that you love her, but the dynamics of your respective spouses means you'd like to stay away from the full family experience. It will be harder with a baby on the way, but your husband will probably not want to get close to them again. She knows this.
I suggest you look at how to assert yourself with people you want or need to have ongoing relationships with. If they were strangers you could be clearer, but they are your family and, like it or not, there's going to be some contact.

If you could learn to stay reasonably detached from your mother's dramas, it would cause you less anxiety. My own mother used triangulation and passive aggressiveness to control us (4 girls). At some point we decided not to pass on 'messages' to each other or try to fix things. It's left us in a stronger place, and I think she's been forced to become more open.
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Old 06-16-2018, 10:03 PM
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"No." is a complete sentence. It gets easier to say the more I practice it.

My sister did plan my baby shower so I feel I owe her.


Not a level playing field. It's okay to pass on arranging the shower. It doesn't seem you were involved in this kind of drama and possible drug activity? Even without those added differences, you still get to say, "No".

Trust your gut instincts, mama. If you're feeling something is wrong and don't want your baby around this, it's perhaps a healthy move to take just as good care of yourself. When a child comes into our life, it's so very good to re-assert priorities in new ways.
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Old 06-16-2018, 10:04 PM
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I've had to do this with my sister in the past, and in the last 3 months, with my other sister and brother in law. As much as it hurts, and is awkward and sad, aren't your feelings at least as important? I think you nailed it with what you said here....."My gut just tells me I need to walk away. I’m not going to bring my baby to the shower because I just don’t feel safe at their place." Never, ever ignore your gut. Even more so when alcohol is involved.
Originally Posted by Jess2014 View Post
Thank you very much for the comment. He’s very controlling and decided that he wants to plan it. I not only had to detach from my sister because of her involvement with feeling sorry for my AH mother, but the main reason is because her husband is not a good person. He jokes about beating people up with his cousins and that his cousins have been to jail over drugs. Things seem very very sketchy with my sister and her husband and I’m pretty sure they’re involved in some sort of drug selling, but I can’t be sure to what extent. My gut just tells me I need to walk away. I’m not going to bring my baby to the shower because I just don’t feel safe at their place. It’s so sad. She’s just not the person she was before she started seeing him. She used to be very straight up, hard working and strong minded. Now she lets him talk for her and make decisions for her. For a long time I dwelled on the fact that my sister deserves better but what can I do. I just have to let her make mistakes and move on with my life. I feel like I’m going to get a phone call from her saying she needs a place to stay one day and I will have to turn her away. She knows what she was getting into with him.

And I’m sorry that you were on the receiving end of detachment but it’s very enlightening because I can see why I shouldn’t say anything and she will just know that I’ve detached.That’s it, what’s the point of making a sad situation even sadder. It saddens me so much it has to be this way. And I’m sure it does for your friend too for having to detach. But like you said, when its run it’s course, then it’s run it’s course. Can’t force something that is not working.

Last edited by DesertEyes; 06-17-2018 at 01:31 PM. Reason: Fixed broken quote
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Old 06-17-2018, 08:09 AM
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Jess, I am seeing a lot of F.O.G. in your post. (Fear,Obligation,Guilt ) That's extremely common in those of us who have been subjected to unhealthy family dynamics. My "foggy" brain kept me enmeshed in several unhealthy relationships with members of my family, my circle of friends and AXH . It was not easy for me to detach from those people that I loved very much, but it was neccesary to do so if I wanted to get myself healthy and then start living a healthier, happier life. I wanted to break the cycle, I wanted my children to see it didn't have to be "that way". Your daughter is young enough she wouldn't have to "unlearn" the unhealthy lessons if she doesn't get used to growing up in that dynamic like you and I (and my kids) did.

People who lead toxic lives will be toxic to be around as long as they choose to live that way, no matter how much we love them. It doesn't usually make them bad people, but just because someone isn't evil, doesn't mean we give them a pass for their unhealthy behavior, ESPECIALLY when it affects us and our children in negative ways. I think you are doing the right thing detaching from the people in your family who are not setting good examples of health and happiness for your daughter.

The fact you don't want to take your daughter to your sister's home for reasons of her physical safety sounds like a good enough reason for YOU to stay away too. Your instincts matter, please keep listening to them. Try to battle back that F.O.G.

I know you love your sister. Is it possible you could do something special for her and the new baby separate from this baby shower? A special luncheon or a picnic to a favorite childhood spot, complete with balloons, gifts, goodies etc ? I realize that a lot of baby showers are co-ed these days, but it seems kind of creepy to me that he wants to control the whole thing by his man-handing it. I realize I'm generalizing here, but most men wouldn't want anything to do with the generally very girly activity of planning a baby shower. I find that concerning. Some people even have more then one shower for various different reasons, though from what you have said of your sister's husband, she probably wouldn't be "allowed" to attend a different gathering.

Good luck Jess, I know just how hard it is getting untangled from family stuff. ( I moved 3K miles away and they still sometimes try to get me involved in the drama... nope!.. it's less foggy where I live now :P )

I hope you stick around for support while you sort these things out.

Hugs.
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Old 06-17-2018, 11:14 AM
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Thank you for the replies everyone. I’ve took away something from each one. I’m learning it’s okay to say no to things but god it’s so hard. And it’s totally because of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt! I guess the first step to recovering from my past is recognition. I think this time I just can’t say no because I can already feel the painful guilt I would feel if I didn’t show up. But what I decided I can do is have boundaries. I will stay for an hour, will not bring my child, and will not plan it with her husband. I will just bring food and some decorations and he can do whatever he pleases. And I will say a pleasant hello to my mother and stick to talking with people that are positive. Cause there will be family members I enjoy there.

Thanks everyone. I was in a mental rut and just writing it out has helped me work through it.
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