My Brother Died
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
My Brother Died
He helped raise me when mom died of addiction.
He encouraged me when I quit drinking to recover from mine.
He died of his own demons. I tried to talk to him about them when I was a couple years sober. He asked me how long I’d been sober, I told him, he seemed hopeful so I tried to open the door a crack to encourage him. He said he’d been to aa a time or two, but he seemed resigned to drinking.
I’m possibly the only one who knew that truth about him. The rest of the family thinks he just drank a bit. Or at most was a “functioning alkie.” We all know that’s just a stage. He was very good at his job, never an issue there. He had money and was super responsible.
Unlike me, he never lied about his drinking. I worried about him, but not a lot. He seemed like I said resigned to his drinking, but pretty stable all things considered.
Now he’s gone. Just like that. Just like mom. Just like mom, his demons were worse than any of us knew. Just like mom, he went quickly and quietly and left more questions than answers. Just like mom, I feel I should have known. Wish I could have done something. I know the 3 c’s, but for some reason I still feel just a bit lost. Like they apply to everyone else, but I can’t give myself permission to let myself off the hook, if that makes any sense.
I know it could have been me. Should it have been me? I’m grateful for my recovery. But why did they have to die without it? Obviously this is bringing up a lot of old baggage...
I’m not sure what to say or even ask about. This is one big ramble, sorry. Guess I just needed to let it out.
He encouraged me when I quit drinking to recover from mine.
He died of his own demons. I tried to talk to him about them when I was a couple years sober. He asked me how long I’d been sober, I told him, he seemed hopeful so I tried to open the door a crack to encourage him. He said he’d been to aa a time or two, but he seemed resigned to drinking.
I’m possibly the only one who knew that truth about him. The rest of the family thinks he just drank a bit. Or at most was a “functioning alkie.” We all know that’s just a stage. He was very good at his job, never an issue there. He had money and was super responsible.
Unlike me, he never lied about his drinking. I worried about him, but not a lot. He seemed like I said resigned to his drinking, but pretty stable all things considered.
Now he’s gone. Just like that. Just like mom. Just like mom, his demons were worse than any of us knew. Just like mom, he went quickly and quietly and left more questions than answers. Just like mom, I feel I should have known. Wish I could have done something. I know the 3 c’s, but for some reason I still feel just a bit lost. Like they apply to everyone else, but I can’t give myself permission to let myself off the hook, if that makes any sense.
I know it could have been me. Should it have been me? I’m grateful for my recovery. But why did they have to die without it? Obviously this is bringing up a lot of old baggage...
I’m not sure what to say or even ask about. This is one big ramble, sorry. Guess I just needed to let it out.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
I am so sorry for your loss, wehave2day. Please don't beat yourself up by not letting yourself off the hook. It's okay to let yourself off the hook. You told him how you got sober, you encouraged him toward doing so. You will be in my prayers. Sending you a giant cyber-hug.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you can take comfort from the fact that you got sober, and he died knowing you'd overcome your demons, even if he couldn't get there himself.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 539
I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine your pain. You tried to share your recovery with him, but you know that the only way you got sober was through your own will and hard work. It is a warning to all of us. You have to pick your bottom before it finds you. I am so sorry he did not find his way out of alcoholism before it killed him. YOu really need to stay sober now. You know what happens to people in your family who drink. Mourn his loss and then celebrate his life by living well. He helped raise you! So he lives on inside of you. He had a hand in molding the wonderful person you are.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,668
My bro died of booze - 42yo
My dad had it and died- when I was in hsopital dying...booze (burns for me) 3 years ago.
so your share resonates with me
There is no rhyme or reason to addiction.
Grief will have it's day.
Prayers and support to you.
My dad had it and died- when I was in hsopital dying...booze (burns for me) 3 years ago.
so your share resonates with me
There is no rhyme or reason to addiction.
Grief will have it's day.
Prayers and support to you.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Like they apply to everyone else, but I can’t give myself permission to let myself off the hook, if that makes any sense.
This does make sense to me. We can be very hard on ourselves and especially when addiction/alcoholism is in the picture, have difficult feelings of guilt, pain, shame, sadness, and a desire for control.
So very sorry about your brother. Sounds like he was a blessing in your life, he helped raise you, what a gift that you had him and that he stepped up for that.
My heart goes out to you. Sending gentle (((((((hugs)))))))
Peace,
B.
This does make sense to me. We can be very hard on ourselves and especially when addiction/alcoholism is in the picture, have difficult feelings of guilt, pain, shame, sadness, and a desire for control.
So very sorry about your brother. Sounds like he was a blessing in your life, he helped raise you, what a gift that you had him and that he stepped up for that.
My heart goes out to you. Sending gentle (((((((hugs)))))))
Peace,
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Thank you everyone for the very kind words. Sr and aa are how I got sober.
I started reading to f and f forum to help me see more about how alcoholism and addiction effects others, I wanted to see things better from my spouses perspective. Then I found a small way to be useful to give an alkie perspective to you, especially to back some of you up when you want to call ******** on your a but are afraid to trust your gut.
Then I started to feel parallels between my childhood with an addicted mom. She hid it well, but there was a bit of chaos in our home. When she died, there was a lot of chaos and anger and my dad just turned into a lost, angry man for a time. Understandably.
Now my brother. We weren’t super close, we’re both middle aged and I live in a different part of the country. I go home every year and sometimes stayed with him. I had to stop staying with him when I got sober, there was too much booze. Maybe I should have, maybe he would have drank less, I don’t know. I was selfishly guarding my sobriety.
One one hand, this isn’t my first rodeo. Been through all of these feelings before: sadness, guilt, worry, anger, confusion over the mysterious circumstances... it’s eerily familiar. And I’m older and wiser, plus I can talk about it. My dad made me lie about mom, say it was a heart attack, until I became an adult and refused to lie anymore. So I couldn’t talk to anyone but my brothers, and we were all Equally confused.
I’m this strange mix of all those feelings, and grateful that now I’m grown up and have people I can talk to. I keep going back and forth. I’m also grateful that I have no desire whatsoever to drink again myself. I’m fully aware of where that would go. I’m fully aware of what that would do to my remaining brother who lost his mom too, and just now his brother and best friend.
Thanks for letting me let all of this out. It’s really helping.
I started reading to f and f forum to help me see more about how alcoholism and addiction effects others, I wanted to see things better from my spouses perspective. Then I found a small way to be useful to give an alkie perspective to you, especially to back some of you up when you want to call ******** on your a but are afraid to trust your gut.
Then I started to feel parallels between my childhood with an addicted mom. She hid it well, but there was a bit of chaos in our home. When she died, there was a lot of chaos and anger and my dad just turned into a lost, angry man for a time. Understandably.
Now my brother. We weren’t super close, we’re both middle aged and I live in a different part of the country. I go home every year and sometimes stayed with him. I had to stop staying with him when I got sober, there was too much booze. Maybe I should have, maybe he would have drank less, I don’t know. I was selfishly guarding my sobriety.
One one hand, this isn’t my first rodeo. Been through all of these feelings before: sadness, guilt, worry, anger, confusion over the mysterious circumstances... it’s eerily familiar. And I’m older and wiser, plus I can talk about it. My dad made me lie about mom, say it was a heart attack, until I became an adult and refused to lie anymore. So I couldn’t talk to anyone but my brothers, and we were all Equally confused.
I’m this strange mix of all those feelings, and grateful that now I’m grown up and have people I can talk to. I keep going back and forth. I’m also grateful that I have no desire whatsoever to drink again myself. I’m fully aware of where that would go. I’m fully aware of what that would do to my remaining brother who lost his mom too, and just now his brother and best friend.
Thanks for letting me let all of this out. It’s really helping.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
wehav2day, i'm so sorry about your Brother. That's so tough and sad.
I'm going to repeat something I said to someone the other day, maybe you weren't able to make him sober (as you know/knew, you can't) but you were his friend. You were there for him. You didn't judge him, condemn him, you accepted him.
I'm sure that he had a lot of judgement from others, despite being "functioning".
That probably meant a lot to him.
I'm going to repeat something I said to someone the other day, maybe you weren't able to make him sober (as you know/knew, you can't) but you were his friend. You were there for him. You didn't judge him, condemn him, you accepted him.
I'm sure that he had a lot of judgement from others, despite being "functioning".
That probably meant a lot to him.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
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I'm so sorry for your loss and I understand your pain. My sister died on Monday of liver failure. It wasn't a lifelong battle...she only began drinking very heavily about 7 years ago and developed cirrhosis. My other sister and I both battled our addictions and quit many years ago, but we couldn't reach her no matter what we did, and she lost to hers. Today we will have a celebration of life for her, and after that we will all continue to put one foot in front of the other and do the best we can to get through life that so often doesn't make any sense and is unfair and sad and painful. My heart is with you as you do the same.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
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Originally Posted by soberlicious 
I'm so sorry for your loss and I understand your pain. My sister died on Monday of liver failure. It wasn't a lifelong battle...she only began drinking very heavily about 7 years ago and developed cirrhosis. My other sister and I both battled our addictions and quit many years ago, but we couldn't reach her no matter what we did, and she lost to hers. Today we will have a celebration of life for her, and after that we will all continue to put one foot in front of the other and do the best we can to get through life that so often doesn't make any sense and is unfair and sad and painful. My heart is with you as you do the same.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Oh sl, sorry to hear that. You tried harder than I did. I truly thought my brother was just “stuck” and I’d be available to him if/when he chose the sober path. I’m very sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing. Hugs.
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WeHav - I'm so glad you posted & allowed us to share your pain. Prayers are going up for you & your family to be comforted.
Please don't think you could have made there be a different outcome, it's just not true. No one could have done a thing to help me, not until I was ready. Try not to torture yourself with these thoughts - please live your life free from regret. Be proud & thankful for your sobriety. Keep posting - we care.
Please don't think you could have made there be a different outcome, it's just not true. No one could have done a thing to help me, not until I was ready. Try not to torture yourself with these thoughts - please live your life free from regret. Be proud & thankful for your sobriety. Keep posting - we care.
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