Horn95

For whatever reason, my anxiety is worse than it’s ever been. And I am seeing bogeymen everywhere. I keep having awful thoughts about everything from my marriage, my kids, to my career. And every time I am wrong. I briefly have relief, and then something else gets in my head, or I find something else to freak me out. It is awful.

My last go of sobriety I had really bad anxiety at the beginning, but I don’t recall it being this bad. I am horrified I am about to lose everything. But I know if I start drinking again it will guarantee I will lose everything.

I am most scared of losing my wife. I am dissecting everything she says and does about whether she still loves me. She says she wants a baby and talks about our new house, but it only comforts me briefly.

My confidence is shot. I have put on too much weight.

At the end of the day, my perception is totally frayed. And I know if I stay sober it will get better, but I am terrified that the damage is done as to past mistakes and that no matter what I am going to lose everything.

Gosh, if there were any reason never go back to booze, it is going through this stage. Intellectually, I know it is likely all is ok, but the demons in my head will not let up. And it all due to my f###### alcoholism. The most horrible thing is the damage I have to the people around me. I pray they can forgive me.

Ugh.

timm84

I really wish I had a solution for you. I'm going through something similar, though.

I live in terror every day that I've already done too much damage to my body and now it's only a matter of time before my liver gives out on me. Maybe a few months, maybe a few years, but it's an idea I've become obsessed with.

FWIW you sound very lucky. Being lonely is a big reason why I binged (although of course I still drank when I was in relationships). Having a wife is a big deal and I can imagine that the fear of losing her must be an awful burden, to say nothing of the potential pressure of children.

Anxiety is a deadly disease if you really think about it, especially if you're a guy. The expectations of masculinity make it so much worse. We are expected to be tough. To be in-control. To have our **** together all the time. It's exhausting, honestly.

Anyway, sometimes it's best to just ignore your paranoid thoughts. Unless you're really worried about hurting yourself, just let them come and go. Then try to focus on something positive. You have a good thing going.

Alcohol is the best thing for anxiety in the short run and the worst thing in the long run.

I hope you start to feel less anxious soon - it does get better with time. Feel free to reach out if you need.

Forward12

Welcome to booze. It gets nothing but worse, yet nothing but better if you put the bottle down

Horn95

In the long run, yes. In the short run it is a mother f*****. I did this damage over a long period of time. It will take some time to recover. I so want to be even better than the man I was. I am determined to do that..

Dee74

Sounds more like fear than paranoia to me Horn.

I know you said in another thread you were going to try and get through this naturally, but if it's impacting your life to this extent, maybe it's worth seeing a Dr?

D

TheSoberDude

Panic attack, anxiety...yep been there.

You need to exercise man. It’s a miracle for anxiety and depression. I can’t say it enough..no drug in this world can fix it, but exercise truly can.

Get yourself in a routine man. Running, walking, weights, swimming yoga..whatever. Try it for a few weeks and see if you notice a difference.

I know I did, and I rarely feel anxious or edgy anymore.

Forward12

It gets better instantly. Dump the booze, get your hind end to AA or another recovery program, and you can start building the life you want.
Don't throw everything away to some stupid liquid that just wants you dead.

Horn95

I’m not going back to booze. And I am in AA. I have an exercise program. Weights in the morning, cardio in the evening. Have a diet plan. Thing is, I’ve been sober for 3 days after a little under a month of heavy drinking.

This is kindling. Plain and simple. Every relapse produces worse withdrawals at every attempt at sobriety. I brought this on myself.

And thanks Dee. I have a very light anti-anxiety drug called hydroxazine (Vistaril) that I have used sparingly. I think I am going to use it for a few days. Helped a lot during my longest stretch of sobriety last time

TheSoberDude

Good to hear Horn. Keep at it...it will get easier with time brother.

Relapses becoming worse every time just means there won’t be a next time. Ya know why? Because you won’t let it happen. I will pray for you.

Horn95

Thanks Dude!

Renvate

"she wants another baby"

Sounds like pretty good evidence shes still happy with you.

djlook

Try reading "The Family Afterward" in the Big Book.

entropy1964

I agree with Dee that this is straight up fear. Been there for sure. There probably aren't many of us here that don't stare in the rear view mirror and feel panic. I try to remind myself that I never have to repeat the past, as long as I stay sober no matter what. Simple but not easy. Self esteem will come through esteemable behavior, and it will happen incrementally. Hang in there and try to stay in the present.

tomsteve

horn, are ya gonna start workin the steps any time soon?

AnvilheadII

3 days is REALLY early in the process......it's going to take TIME. sober day upon sober day. over time your thoughts will settle down, instead of a thousand screaming bees in your head, there will 500, then 250, then 6.........

since i can't master the whole meditation thing, i have found audiobooks to be my close second. a good story keeps me engaged and wanting to know what happens next! plus with audiobooks you really have to pay attention, as you don't have a physical book to flip back a few pages and check a reference, or a name or a place.

long hot showers with the spray pounding the back of the neck and shoulders is wonderful. i also like nice smelly soaps and such, but that might be a girl thing.

comforting self talk is good. i'm ok, i'm ok, nothing is wrong, this temporary discomfort simply reminds me of the journey i am. peace lies ahead, and each sober step takes me closer and closer. i'm OK.

tekink

Alcohol withdrawal knocks you down and messes with your head. Fear, anger, anxiety, apathy, are pretty much all I felt for six months and then it only slowly started to ease. When things start to ease up sometimes it happens so slowly you don't notice the change until it's happened for a while.

This stuff is all a big pull for the AV also and it's exhausting mentally.

Keep your head down and tough it out, it'll get better! Have you talked to your wife about how vulnerable this is making you feel right now? Honesty goes a long way to ease some of these things or to bring it to a level where you are comfortable to deal with it.

SportsFan15

^^^so true! Just 20 minutes makes a big difference for me. There was a correlation between decrease in exercise and resulting increase in alcohol use for me at least. Sleep better as well.

Wastinglife

Anxiety is the biggest challenge to my sobriety. My problems are not imagined fear however. I was never anxious until my late 20's. I have massive financial problems and trouble finding a job to support a basic living. Things can overwhelm me to the point that I need a beer to prevent a panic attack. It is a quick-fix of course but I just can't handle my racing thoughts for long. I don't sleep well. Can go days without eating. AA has been beneficial before but I get paranoid there and have to leave after a few minutes.

Ken33xx

Some say paranoia is just reality on a finer scale. And I certainly understand about massive financial problems.

But I also understand drinking won't solve my problems and often makes things worse.

Sometimes there's isn't much you can do except to pick up the broken pieces and start over.

Dee74

Hows it going Horn?

D