Kejun

I am days away from being sober five months. Happy with that.

My issue remains I am totally heartbroken my ex called time on us. It needed to happen as I was alcoholic and toxic.

We havent spoken since yet work in the same place and drive past eachother without acknowledging one another often.

It is breaking me. I havent felt this down in a while and my go to stuff like fitness has fallen by the way side as I was overtraining and have damaged myself.

Have been crying for a little while and trying my best to let go of everything but I am in a pretty bad way. Went to a meeting earlier and spoke of gratitude and feel like a shady guy for not shouting that i am struggling.

I cant change what I have done, I know the serenity prayer backwards but it is not helping me.

Dont really want to causemy family a lot of pain but honestly, I am hurting so much inside and so often right now I struggle with the notion of selfishness when living feels like a disservice to myself.

Early sobriety appeared to be going so well and now Im hanging in there close to falling off.

dharmaholic

I really feel your pain. I lost a fiance when getting sober 10 years ago. She eventually got sober too so all ended well. But at 2 years I fell deeply for someone else and was really hurt after we split up. Hang in there.
You have a lot of personal **** to go through on your own. A partner is not ideal when this work had to be done. You are growing up and learning to live without your drug, your best friend, and crutch.
Read, walk, meditate and pray. Drink lots of water
Love alwaz
Mike

Astro

Recovery can be a long and bumpy process, but well worth the effort. On the time scale, it may take us a long time to make our way out of the depths, but often I reflect on how much longer it took me to crawl that deep too. I'm on my 3rd marriage, and yeah relationships are difficult to cope with no matter how many years of recovery I have, but I have improved, and with each passing year I'm happier and more amazed at how great my life and relationships have become.

Give this time, hang in there, it truly is worth what we put into it.

sean0621

One of the things I have found in recovery is that it's OK to feel. It's OK to struggle. It's not OK to let it take over my life.

Feelings will pass over time if I allow myself to feel them. It took me a year and a half of continuous sobriety to start living these ideas.

I too was holding onto a relationship and was twisted around by it and considered both going back out and then suicide, I turned a corner and allowed myself to be vulnerable with my friends I made in the rooms.

I worked on myself. I found that my self esteem was bankrupt. I let fear of abandonment and being alone dictate my thoughts and feelings. I overtrained in the weight room and blew out my shoulder.

I picked up running instead. I got outside and around different people. I tried new things and opened myself up again. It took baby steps and perseverance but I was able to put together a pretty good life and lay a decent foundation to not have the carpet pulled out from under me when something goes wrong. It may take some time, but one thing I can promise is that it is worth it.

Things will get better, but it's up to you to make those things better. I wish you the best.

Kejun

Thank you so much for the replies.

Feeling more optimistic this morning. As I have heard numerous times when asked how I am in the rooms "...It'll pass" regardless of positive or negative responses.

Running was my go to but busted up my tendon pretty good going too hard way too often.

I havent spoken to the ex since january and we live within 300m of eachother. It is truly sh*t.

People say remove the pedestal and look at/concentrate on the bad things of the relationship. The bad thing was the booze. She often said, we both did, how we would be perfect without the booze. Yet I couldnt stop. Wasnt quite ready.

I have done so many things right in recovery. Nutrition, new sports/activities, reading, self-help, understanding my disease, AA (90 in 90) regularly, rebuilding stronger relationships with family, pray but this heartbreak is absolutely kicking my 4ss.

I dont want to drink. I have put way too much into this to return to my biggest and ultimate detriment I have ever had. Trying so hard to just hold on and keep on keeping on.

Have read numerous books, one being feel the fear and do it anyway, talks about creating a balanced life and dedicating the same effort into each element of one to ensure if one falls over, it doesnt impact on one so massively. Books on the psychological way we react/look at things, perception, alcohol and how it interacts with the body.

Doing as much as I can.

Want her back. So very much. If she is the cost of being sober, it is the highest price (for me) but acknowledging that does not detract from the seriousness of what I am healing from. I mentally utilise the memory of her to help (not solely rely upon) keeping me on the path.

teatreeoil007

I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. One of the hardest things a person will ever go through. If you find yourself feeling too depressed don't hesitate to keep reaching out here and also to your doctor or provider who might be able to help you.

timm84

Aching for you, brother.

It's been 3 and a half years since I lost "the one." Even with 2,000 miles between us and no contact it just stings and burns every single day. My drinking was a big factor there, too. About 2 weeks before she dumped me she said "maybe you shouldn't drink," but it wasn't really a suggestion. I would give anything, anything. ANYTHING for another chance to go back again and do it sober. I hate myself for it but I still love her.

I have never forgiven myself for blowing it with her. I wonder if I ever will. You're not alone.

Dee74

I'm glad you feel a little more optimistic today Kejun

D

Kejun

tim - I can envisage me being in the same position. People tell others to take ex partners off the pedestal and concentrate on the negatives.

Sure, she wasnt perfect, but she WAS perfect for me. When you write you would give anything - 110% yes. 110% right there. She gave me so many chances. So many.

She reached her limit.

'give our lives and wills over...' I understand the theory of all of it but trying to implement it... Drove past her yet again this morning. I have been in complete NC too and I know I absolutely cannot break that. How badly I want to. But she has heard it all before.

I can try to convince myself of an endless set of circumstances in which I SHOULD contact her. BUT, I would need to be lucky, so fortunate to maybe catch her when her mind is soft towards me and at a time in the day she misses me. I may try it when she is at her most robust and against me totally...

There is nothing I can do. There is one thing I should do. Anything I 'try' just proves I STILL can't stick to my words, am disrespecting her and myself with the very real possibility (nay, probability) it will set me back a long way and come across as manipulative.

Step 9 - it has to be to leave her alone. There will be mutual acquaintances who will no doubt let her know I have made amends to them, or tried, and she may see it as game playing as I dont reach out to her but I feel as though Im damned if I do, damned if I dont. Regardless, her reaction to a possible situation such as the one I mention is secondary to the purpose of step 9 and in fact immaterial.

Trying to take away my will and hope for an outcome is so difficult. An older member in the rooms around here has told me there is no time limit on the steps, but I equally dont want to not push forward to try and gain from the completion of the steps (I know they are never complete as there are maintenance steps later on).

ARGH!!!!!!!! Wish I could b1tch slap drinking me, from 8/9 months ago. HARD.

Kejun

I am going to see my medical officer on monday. I will probably try someone sooner. Unable to shake the ideation.

Really not doing good

Seren

Hi Kenjun,

I'm sorry you are mourning the loss of this relationship...I think we all get it. There are very few people here who haven't been through a breakup that just seemed impossible to get over.

I understand the endless scenarios that get spun in the brain about things that "might" happen or excuses to contact someone. When I have had to go through this sort of thing, distracting myself was key. It could be going for a walk, watching some mindless TV, calling a friend to talk and asking them about *their* day--not just going on about my pain.

I am glad you will be seeing a medical officer soon! I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. I hope and pray that you will not drink over this because I know that would not make your situation any better.

Please take good care!
S

PhoenixJ

I was an actively drinking alcoholic- with, amongst other stuff, unstable clinical depression.
So when I stopped drinking- I was a sober alcoholic with unstable clinical depression.
The steps are great for sobriety, but it's members are not experts on mental health. I am talking about me, not you- but perhaps there is something in this you can use.
I am stable now with my depression (and the other stuff)- with help from my GP, a psychologist and an on call addiction counsellor.

Support to you.

Kejun

So I spoke to my older sister at length today, she is worried about me and is flying from adelaide to perth with my mother to visit. I am insanely lucky to have a family in a position to do this for me. I felt better after talking with my older sister.

Went down and saw my sponsor and he was pretty p*ssedI didnt call him. I just hate bothering people with this stuff but realise that isnt the healthy way to go about it. He is also saying I need to pray and meditate to try and really get the spiritual connection solidified or in a better state.

I am seeing a counsellor, psyhcologist and psychiatrist PhoenixJ, ha, just seen you are in adelaide. My folks are in fairview park :P i think that last night was a particularly bad night for me.

PhoenixJ

Kejun- your fam sound like good people.
Very good support mechanisms...I have a GP, psycho-ist (my little joke) and a counsellor. Staying sober is different than physical and specific mental health.
Yep- I am an Adelaide boy

Dee74

I'm little older than you I think.

Its been my experience that no one is perfect for me, although I thought that every time.

There have been some very good matches in my life tho, and a few bad ones.
I messed up on some, and some they messed up on me.

I'm not trying to downplay your pain at but I genuinely thought I'd never love again...but I did - and it's the best it's ever been.

Maybe that's an avenue of thought to explore now?

D

Seren

Kejun, I'm glad your family will be able to visit for a bit. That will be cheering and helpful.

I know this feels so impossibly hard right now...like you will always feel this miserable, but you won't, I promise.

*Cough* I'm a little older than Dee, even! And I absolutely promise you, you will feel better!!

sean0621

At one point I would have said the same about the woman I was with at the end of my active addiction. Four years later and I'm not even sure if I would bother to say hello to her if I saw her on the street. She would not fit the person I have become.

The woman I am with now that is in love with the the man that I have worked to become is a far better fit for me right now. I grew, I opened myself to the changes and everything had to change is what I came to understand. The woman I was with during my active usage was from my perspective at that time, my only touchstone to life when i could find no value in myself on my own. The only good thing in my life as I looked at it.

Now there are a lot of good things going on in my life. I have learned to value myself from within. The best relationship I have no is with me. The woman that is currently in my life is a far better fit for me now. It's way more give and take than other relationships I've been in, more balanced.

It took me 4 years of hard work to come to a place where I realized I finally knew enough to know that I know very little and it made room in my life for growth in all directions.


Recovery is a lifelong process.

I used to want to get to that so called finished line myself. That place to where I was recovered and no longer needed the rooms and no longer had to work so hard to feel what I perceived as how normal people feel.

Slowly as I put in the work, I grew to not look at it as work. I made some very good friends in the rooms and I could see all aspects of my life improving. I watched others grow and did my best to give back. I grew to love the rooms. I grew to appreciate and enjoy the work, it became fun.

It was such a relief once the idea finally sunk in that the past already happened. I don't have to judge myself for the things I did in the past, think about or relive it if I don't want to and I don't have to think about the future if I don't want to.

I only have to worry about the present, the only thing I have any shred of control over. It's very empowering that notion. Keep working on yourself, and keep growing. Things can and will get better, if you take action in the present and make it better.

Kejun

I wanted to give a small update and once more thanks to the responses.

Hit five months yesterday and will pick up my new coin tomorrow night. It was sort of funny as I was asked to chair a meeting yesterday - probably the fourth time I have chaired, but first at the location last night. I dont and didnt advertise the fact I hit/have hit milestones so was asked randomly. I loved that

After speaking to my sponsor yesterday, I told him I woke yesterday with peace and calmness within. He made the point that due to me completing step five on monday, it is not coincidental and goes some way to explain the change within.

I DO feel better than I did. MUCH better. Recognised how fortunate I am to be where I am in the world, with the new friends I have made through the rooms. Genuine people experiencing what I am or being there in the past. Change is never easy and my life has and is dramatically changing for the better.

Despite having busted my tendon, I am getting treatment for it and after seeing a radiologist, it is not in as bad a shape as it could be. - silver linings!

Whilst the ex is still on my mind frequently, I cant help but feel I am reaching - slowly, ever so slowly - a point of acceptance with my situation. There are meetings like the one last night I get so much from. There are other meets which I just dont get much from (if anything) and although I try to remain open minded, due to past experiences and the dynamics of those meetings, I will probably choose to not go to them in the future.

Learning to let go and understanding I can only 'do me' is difficult but when I am able to grasp it, liberating.

A member had a birthday yesterday. 39 years of sobriety (!) I asked him to open the meeting and he shared for ten minutes. What was insightful from his words, despite being sober for so long and rarely thinking of drinking, he mentioned he did think of drinking just the day before the meet yesterday.

Certainly a cautionary anecdote to those in the rooms new and old... Always need to be prepared and ready for the voice to kick off. Further, reenforces the importance of diligently and regularly attending meets (speaking for myself but sure it applies to many others too).

Anyway, thanks for the messages and support all. Feel like Im through the low patch of late (as is said, 'it'll pass'... :P)

Dee74

Glad to hear you're feeling better Kejun

D

JayM15

love this. im going thru a similar situation he is....

I did a 4-9 on my gf.... i realized i was constantly pushing her away needing validation, emotionally abusing her with questions about if our relationship was growing. I finally saw my part. After all this time i finally realized the resentment I had was real. I was out of line toward her.

its rough. she put me on space.... the amends i have to make will happen on god's time. I know that i can't force it. my sponsor had me handwrite the amends. Told me read it until it makes sense. It detailed everything i did to be inconsiderate, self seeking, controlling etc. I couldn't believe it was all my fault for pushing her away. She treated me so well.

I don't sit in morbid reflection. God has me in realization that no matter what happens after this amends (with her, broken up)... that I had to learn a lesson on how I have treated people and how I let these character defects take away my serenity through my 11 months of sobriety (cant believe God let me white knuckle that long)