Brother back to square one
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 41
Brother back to square one
It's been a while since I've been on here. In the past I use to vent about ym alcoholic father, but I've gone no contact with him for years now and haven't looked back. He wwas easy since he didn't live with us.
My brother on the otherhand is a different story. He has been involved in heavy drug usage since 16 and is now 21. He lived with our father from 14 to 19. And at 19 our father could no longer maintain his lifestyle and lost his apartment. Leaving my brother to move back in with my mom step day sister and me.
From 19 to 21 he slid by with 2 stints in rehab. By the end of the 2 years there he was stealing money for his habit and was made to move down to Alabama with my mom's sister.
He spent 9 months there before being kicked out of everyone's house for stealing from them to get drugs.
With no where left and no one to take him in he flew back to NJ to move back in with us last night. Just in time for my mom step dad and sister to leave the house for the next two weeks on vacation. Looks like I'm his babysitter. I know I'm not a parent but this kid has to go. He will never hit bottom if no one let's him hit it.
I had to install 2 security cameras inside the house (not outside). If we have to go through all this why take him back? We know he's not currently sober so it's only a matter of days before he starts taking from the house especially when they are away.
My brother on the otherhand is a different story. He has been involved in heavy drug usage since 16 and is now 21. He lived with our father from 14 to 19. And at 19 our father could no longer maintain his lifestyle and lost his apartment. Leaving my brother to move back in with my mom step day sister and me.
From 19 to 21 he slid by with 2 stints in rehab. By the end of the 2 years there he was stealing money for his habit and was made to move down to Alabama with my mom's sister.
He spent 9 months there before being kicked out of everyone's house for stealing from them to get drugs.
With no where left and no one to take him in he flew back to NJ to move back in with us last night. Just in time for my mom step dad and sister to leave the house for the next two weeks on vacation. Looks like I'm his babysitter. I know I'm not a parent but this kid has to go. He will never hit bottom if no one let's him hit it.
I had to install 2 security cameras inside the house (not outside). If we have to go through all this why take him back? We know he's not currently sober so it's only a matter of days before he starts taking from the house especially when they are away.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
reads like you know the right thing to do, dion. allowing him to live there and steal to support his addiction is enabling him- its helping dig his grave.
i hope you protect yourself and your family- im not sure what the laws are like there but if your address isnt on his ID and he isnt receiving mail there, it might be pretty easy to get him out.
i hope you protect yourself and your family- im not sure what the laws are like there but if your address isnt on his ID and he isnt receiving mail there, it might be pretty easy to get him out.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I know I'm not a parent but this kid has to go. He will never hit bottom if no one let's him hit it.
I had to install 2 security cameras inside the house (not outside). If we have to go through all this why take him back? We know he's not currently sober so it's only a matter of days before he starts taking from the house especially when they are away.
I had to install 2 security cameras inside the house (not outside). If we have to go through all this why take him back? We know he's not currently sober so it's only a matter of days before he starts taking from the house especially when they are away.
You are right, as long as he has a soft place to land and as long as nobody presses charges against him for stealing, he will continue on the sad path he is on.
Throwing them out does not have to mean "the street". There are detoxes, rehabs (the Salvation Army program is very good and free), meetings every day of the week and other resources that will help him find a better path...if he CHOOSES to take it. He may choose the street, but that's on him and not the people who refuse to be stolen from and abused any longer.
When I asked my son to leave, I didn't "throw him out"....he got himself thrown out when he crossed our boundaries of "I will not allow drugs in my home" and "I will not allow anyone to steal from me". Reasonable boundaries, both of them. Guilt is optional, I chose to pass on that part.
Good luck to you and your family. The enabling stops when you all say "enough...no more" and allow him to find his own way, good path or bad.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 41
I just don't see how it will be any different this time around.yesterday was his first day back in NJ. The first time we spoke I could see it in his glassed over eyes he is on something. He wasn't sober when leaving Alabama he's not sober now. And with no plan of getting sober, there is no chance of this being the time he finally gets his crap together.
My mom asked me yesterday what I though and I told her I think he's on drugs and she makes 20 excuses well there is nothing in the house and I don't think anyone stopped by today how you think he has drug. I said I don't know but I know how he speaks what he looks like and what his actions are when he is on drugs, coming off of them or sober and this is him on drugs. She got mad at me for that. I said why are you mad at me you asked my opinion. She shakes her head, so be it if he's on drugs our line is stealing...
Fair enough but how do we think this will end?
My mom asked me yesterday what I though and I told her I think he's on drugs and she makes 20 excuses well there is nothing in the house and I don't think anyone stopped by today how you think he has drug. I said I don't know but I know how he speaks what he looks like and what his actions are when he is on drugs, coming off of them or sober and this is him on drugs. She got mad at me for that. I said why are you mad at me you asked my opinion. She shakes her head, so be it if he's on drugs our line is stealing...
Fair enough but how do we think this will end?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
The fact that your mom asked what you were thinking seems to me that she already suspects somethings up but is too afraid to deal with it.
My sister is the reason why I'm here, and I've learned that I can talk myself blue in the face but it won't change my parents' minds about how to deal with her. So I don't talk about it all.
It's way easier for me because I live a considerable distance from my sister and my parents so I don't have to deal with the day to day stuff. I'll admit it, half the time it's easier for ME to believe what she says when she says she's no longer smoking pot. But I remember her lying, the fact that she doesn't even live with her kids, and that she hangs out with other people who smoke pot, and I snap out of it.
I come from a family where your business is everybody's business except your own, and I had to make a decision to step away from that. In the end, I became the family weirdo, and I still deal with the hurt and the isolation. But at the end of the day, I know that I'm much happier because of the decisions that I made.
If you have the means, I would try to move out of the house. The relationships I had with everyone, including my family, became a thousand times better once we were no longer on top of each other. If you're concerned about your younger sister, if you get your own place you then have a chance to set a safe space for the both of you. (I know I'm making massive presumptions about your ages, so forgive me if I'm totally off the mark.).
My sister is the reason why I'm here, and I've learned that I can talk myself blue in the face but it won't change my parents' minds about how to deal with her. So I don't talk about it all.
It's way easier for me because I live a considerable distance from my sister and my parents so I don't have to deal with the day to day stuff. I'll admit it, half the time it's easier for ME to believe what she says when she says she's no longer smoking pot. But I remember her lying, the fact that she doesn't even live with her kids, and that she hangs out with other people who smoke pot, and I snap out of it.
I come from a family where your business is everybody's business except your own, and I had to make a decision to step away from that. In the end, I became the family weirdo, and I still deal with the hurt and the isolation. But at the end of the day, I know that I'm much happier because of the decisions that I made.
If you have the means, I would try to move out of the house. The relationships I had with everyone, including my family, became a thousand times better once we were no longer on top of each other. If you're concerned about your younger sister, if you get your own place you then have a chance to set a safe space for the both of you. (I know I'm making massive presumptions about your ages, so forgive me if I'm totally off the mark.).
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