rememberme14

Hi there folks! I've been reading this board for some time now and I've found comfort and understanding reading all your posts, so thank you so much. I dated an alcoholic/drug addict in my twenties (42 now) and suffered extreme anxiety and ptsd from the experience. I told myself I would never date another person, until I could figure out what was wrong with myself. I work in the "healing" profession with animals and I find it incredibly rewarding. However, despite my best efforts, I've accepted people just don't give back the way the animals do. I'm not even sure most are capable of it. I never was a people person and always kept to myself, with the exception of people who seemed to need saving. I eventually determined I have a "savior complex" and an almost uncontrollable urge to help anyone I can, so I am back avoiding people as much as I can. I just can't seem to turn off my empathy, even when I don't like them.....it always seems to get me in trouble. I enjoy solitude and don't need a big circle of friends, I would rather spend my time in nature and with animals, but I do wish I could find someone special. I thought I did after 10 years, but he turned out to be a complete paradox. I'm very straight laced and he certainly acted that way around me, but all I could think about when I dated him was my last relationship with the addict. My radar was buzzing and it turned out to be accurate in the end. There were red flags, that I of course ignored and he ended up breaking up with me over a ridiculously small disagreement. We still see each other regularly due to similar activities and he continues to hide his "bad behavior" from me, gets jealous, tries to get me attention, etc. I keep quiet and don't communicate with him as I know it will trigger more empathy and compassion in me and I can't go back there. I guess I'm just venting a bit and don't really know what to say.... I love him....I still do. It's clear that after over a year of breaking up, he feels the same for me, but I know he is not capable of a meaningful, intimate relationship. I have all the typical "codie" behaviors. I get it. It's just really hard for my heart to say no.... Nevertheless, I really just wanted to share a poem I wrote many years ago about my first addict relationship....I sound so young and naïve in the poem, but I thought many of you at one time or another could relate....Thanks for listening and sharing your stories on this forum.....they really do make a world of difference


It was the Devil who said....
Take the bottle, Drink it
It may rob you of your soul
But I say your friend's this liquid
It shall soon reveal it's role
Consume the frothy, amber brew
It's soon than you shall see
It intoxicates your every thought
It's power sets you free
While demons lose their massive grip
That caused your aching heart
A warmth will rise and flush your face
As fermentation starts
Though sugar sweet turns bitter
The taste shall soon subside
For within the smooth, dark bottle
May your troubles safely hide...

Ann

Welcome, Rememberme, I feel a lot of pain in that poem and I hope you write more.

Glad you joined us, hope you will stick around.

Hugs

teatreeoil007

I can relate to being a very empathetic person too and it has gotten me in over my head in hot water at times.

One thing that helps me be more balanced in this regard is to learn from more "black and white" thinkers. I used to think the black and whiters were rather cold, clinical, more calculating. But when us empaths "feel" too MUCH.....we need clear thinkers....who see the problems not so wrapped up in the various "feelings". And they need us at times to help them have a little more empathy.

My work place has always been a mix of people. I draw strength from others who are able to just cut the chase and look at a problem objectively...and I need to be more like that at times.

rememberme14

You are so right.....So much pain. It's still there....I tried so hard to leave the first one and I always felt guilted into going back out with him. It hurt me more to hurt him then what he was doing to me....then along came a little rescue dog that I met, fell in love with and saved me from him and changed my whole life. He needed me and I him, more than I ever realized at the time....It's because of him that I was strong enough to leave the first addict and I remember that discussion like yesterday. I said to him, sobbing uncontrollably....."If you ever cared for me, even a little bit, just let me go...I know what I will always get with you and I don't know what else life has to offer, but it has to be better than this." He held on to me for 2 years...but b/c of my little dog, who I loved more than anyone in the world....I had all the love I needed returned to me. LM as we'll call him died just over 3 years ago....I've felt so lost without him. He was sick most of the time I had him, so I spent 8 years (still the best years of my life) taking care of him and trying to give him the best life I could. I am blessed to have spent every one of those moments with him....I cared for him and he gave it all right back to me.....He taught me what love was suppose to be like....We gave each other our all......I've travelled since his death which I couldn't do when he was physically here and did a whole lot of soul searching....eventually I met someone I was smitten with. In hindsight I do believe my attraction was based on his "neediness". You couldn't see it on the surface, but I could feel the pain he was hiding and the love that dwelled deep within his soul....He was lost too. I just didn't realize he was lost in a world of addiction and so here I find myself yet again. I thought I recovered from the first one, but instead I just focused all my energy on helping my little dog. With him gone, I guess I was just looking for someone else to save....to help....to love. This man triggered every single thing in me that I thought I was over from past relationships....I mean everything....I realized I never did deal with it....I avoided it and any relationship with a man, thinking that would save me....until it didn't.....It was always waiting in the wings for me to finally address how badly I was hurt, abused, manipulated and used so I could stop the cycle and learn to save myself. I am deeply grateful for this man coming into my life....he was so cold to me. It made me realize I need to fill myself up with all the love I gave LM and everyone else I was close to....I spent a year of pretty much solitary reflection...sheer torture if you ask me and let every emotion, thought and feeling rise to the surface. I'm stronger for sure, but sometimes I wonder if it isn't just a façade, b/c if I let me guard down even just a little, my empathy strings get tugged and I can feel myself slipping back down the slope. I used to be so friendly to everyone, but now I feel like I can't trust anyone....I can't seem to get it through my head that not everyone who smiles at you is your friend....I just don't trust most people...even close friends. With women my age it seems to just be competition and every time I think I have a male friend, he'll somehow make it known that he's interested and upon realizing I'm not, is a jerk to me....I just don't feel safe talking to people. I do have some good friends, but the ones I trust are in the 60-101 age range. They seem to be the only ones I can relate to....I'm just rambling now, but I truly appreciate the replies.....It made me want to share more, so thank you both for understanding the pain and empathy....Funny thing is....every relationship I've had, their "problem" with me has been one or all of the following......I'm too sensitive, I care too much, I'm too intense, I'm too happy, I love too much, I'm too honest, I'm too independent, I'm too passionate....Geez, such terrible traits....I'd like to find someone with those qualities....I'm learning to love dating myself

rememberme14

Thank you Teatreeoil007 for your reply and understanding with empathy...."It's both a blessing and a curse to feel things so deeply"

rememberme14

Thank you Ann

teatreeoil007

This world is a strange place sometimes....why is it not more widely acceptable to just date yourself, for example? Will others think you are some sort of freakazoid? Is that one of the fears? Aye, we are pilgrims....traveling through....we are individuals first and last....there are things I treasure that I would not have grown to treasure if I didn't have some time alone first....navigating this world and the people on it is a challenge...some people don't know a stranger....some don't seem to know a friend....try to be open...you may end up being a friend to the person you least expected to be a friend to....and you may find you can trust some people you didn't think you could...

teatreeoil007

There's that song by Rascal Flats that says it real well......"God bless the broken road that led me straight to _______" You know it does feel like a broken road at times....and we stumble and falter and wonder where in the world we are supposed to end up or with whom...."The broken road" doesn't always lead us to the next best person to be with....in many cases it leads us away from certain people and things....but closer to true peace..

rememberme14

Teatreeoil I still try and when I am by myself travelling and know I can avoid becoming involved it's much easier for me to be open....I actually have to make more of an effort to close myself off....I'd like to think I am trying to be comfortable just observing, since most of the time when I try having a conversation with someone I walk away feeling like a fool....I can't do small talk well, so I usually end up with some conversation far deeper then most people I encounter are willing to go and get weird looks and feel an awkward energy......I still give people the benefit of the doubt and that's where I feel like I get into trouble....I'm kinda all or nothing, so either my guard is up or I'm all out.....I'm trying to learn to be somewhere in the middle....Thank you so much for your insight.....Sharing some of my story is making me feel far better than I would have imagined, especially with people who truly understand

rememberme14

Oh My TeaTree!!! That song is one of my mantras! Whenever I hear that song, I always think of my little savior dog, LM.....I wouldn't have traded any of the horrible things I experienced b/c without it all, I may never have met him. What a blessing to have you suggest that song, to remind me that the very same thing may indeed happen again...THANK YOU!

teatreeoil007

So here is that song "The Broken Road".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-vZlrBYLSU

Even though it's talking about ending up with a person....I like to think the Broken Road can apply to other things as well, not just relationships.

Bless the Broken Road
Rascal Flatts
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

That every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes it did


I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true


Every long lost dream led me to where you are
And others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know it's true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yeah

And now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
That God blessed the broken road
Ooh, ooh
That led me straight to you

rememberme14

TeaTree….what a perfectly, beautiful reminder.....You are so right

teatreeoil007

I get it, I totally do...I don't do well with superficial chit chat....I feel like a MISFIT!! I like deep conversations...some may think I'm weird for it.....I don't care....life is too short to worry about whether or not they think I talk about the wrong things!! OKAY...now that that's out of the way...some will get it....others won't....that's just the way it is...if there are some who will let you talk it on out without thinking you're some sort of freak...those folks are like little angels...we entertain angels unawares...remember that...I'm intense, I'm passionate about the things I'm passionate about....there are several folks to really appreciate those qualities...others, not so much. This too,,,,is part of the broken road...some will get us...others not so much....If I am misunderstood...well..."water off a duck's back".

teatreeoil007

....I spent a year of pretty much solitary reflection...sheer torture if you ask me and let every emotion, thought and feeling rise to the surface. I'm stronger for sure, but sometimes I wonder if it isn't just a façade, b/c if I let me guard down even just a little, my empathy strings get tugged and I can feel myself slipping back down the slope. I used to be so friendly to everyone, but now I feel like I can't trust anyone....I can't seem to get it through my head that not everyone who smiles at you is your friend....I just don't trust most people...even close friends. With women my age it seems to just be competition and every time I think I have a male friend, he'll somehow make it known that he's interested and upon realizing I'm not, is a jerk to me....I just don't feel safe talking to people. I do have some good friends, but the ones I trust are in the 60-101 age range. They seem to be the only ones I can relate to

I wanted to respond to this portion: I have a similar struggle. Women my age seem to hold me at arm's length ... men seem to be more accepting of me and I find them refreshing to talk to ...they don't compete so much, they don't compare...they seem to just take me at face value and appreciate intelligent conversation ... but that can be a problem too ... so what is one to do? Just yesterday when I went to the grocery store I ran into some old friends/neighbors and their grown daughter... I had always been able to talk to him more freely than her ....but nothing inappropriate ever occurred .... she always seemed a bit suspicious of me and I never had any designs on her hubby....he was always very close to my hubby too...but anyhow....there's nothing I can do about her....I have to let it go and just try to be kind to them both....some people are just going to suspect you have ulterior motives when you really don't....maybe you just need someone to talk to about interesting stuff who also "get it". It almost feels as though there are truly few people in this world who really really know you and accept you just the way you are.

And yes.....the older one's 60-101....sometimes they are the best ones to connect with .....I think part of the reason why is because they have dropped a lot of uneccessary baggage along the way and have somehow gotten past feeling threatened or the need to compete or whatever....

rememberme14

Really good points Teatreeoil...Thank you for all your input! It is very much appreciated!