GoodKarma

My son has been in rehab for the past three months for crack addiction. The program he started is a one year program. I just visited him last Sunday and he seemed fine, but last night he called me and told me he was leaving the program and wanted me to come pick him up and bring him back to my house to live. I told him there was no way in hell that I was gonna come and pick him up and that he had better stay in the program. He called his former boss and asked him to call me and see if he could talk me into picking him up and letting him live with me.

His crack addiction was so bad, he was bringing crack addicts to my house to steal things out of my garage or beat on my door asking for money. I have not heard anything from him today, but I am kinda scared as I live alone.

He is 45 years and I just can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do.

AnvilheadII

that's tough, GK. but he is 45 years old....you are not his only option. he is beyond full grown adult. you don't have to be a part of HIS life choices - you have your own life.

stay safe. stay sane.

Katiekate

I'm so sorry, I hope you have the strength to draw the line in the sand and call the police if he shows up, protect yourself, he needs to know that for you this is over, he is on his own. Take care, I know you are hurting and scared. Katie xx

Ann

My heart hurts for you GK, my son is also a "beyond adult" addict and if there is one lesson Iearned well, it was that he cannot, under any circumstance ever live at home again.

I agree with Katie and will add to it....maybe get a restraining order to keep him from your home, and enforce it if he does not listen to you and comes anyway. It is a wise and safe thing to do and no matter how angry he may get about this...one day when his mind is in a better place, he will understand.

Stay safe, have plans in place to use if you need them.

Hugs from my heart to yours.

PhoenixJ

prayers

GoodKarma

Thank you Ann for your message. You made me feel better. I was feeling so guilty and torn, but he just killing me. I'm too old and just cannot handle it anymore. He has been an active addict for over 20 years. I have done everything I can to help him, but nothing has helped and I am just through.

VigilanceNow

I’m so sorry to hear this, what a terrible burden to bear.

Unfortunately he is obviously not taking rehab seriously. 3 months is nothing. Was it court-ordered? Has he ever been arrested for possession and/or theft? You may have to draw a hard line if he does manage to leave the facility. Tell him if he comes around your home, you will call the police. I’m sure it’s the last thing you’d want to do to your own son, but he’s on a dangerous path and trying to bring you with him. 20-year long addiction, in my opinion he should complete rehab and enter a halfway house. That, however, is no longer your responsibility at his age.

VigilanceNow

Oh and another thing - they typically don’t allow people to leave the rehab facility without a place to go. Make sure they know that you do not wish to have him at your home under any circumstances. He could, however, be set up in a homeless shelter, in which case you’re still at risk. Restraining order may be a good option.

GoodKarma

Yes Vigilance, he has be incarcerated three different times for theft and possession. The rehab facility he was in this last time was not court ordered. I wanted him to go and he agreed that he needed help. It looks as though he was not serious about rehab at all. When he called two days ago from the facility and said he was leaving and wanted me to pick him up, I said no and told him to go to a homeless shelter. I have not heard from him again, so I don't know where he went.

The plan was for him to finish the rehab program and yes, go to a sober living facility. Everything is ruined now. I get scared at night, because I'm afraid he will come here and try to break into my home.

atalose

I wish you the strength to stick to your boundary and not allow this grown man to come back into his old lifestyle.

Does he have any belongings at your home that you could pack up and get ready for him to pick up say from your garage?

It’s always good to have a plan in mind.

GoodKarma

He really doesn't have anything left here to pick up. I just don't want him coming around for any reason. He is trying to drag me down with him, so I do not want to come in contact with at all. It's really sad, but this is what he has done to his life and he had so many opportunities.

biminiblue

Have you secured your property? Good locks on the doors and windows? Locks on the garage?

I would keep my phone on me and I would call the police if he even shows up. Don't open the door and don't engage in conversations through the door, just call. The police will have him move along and tell him to stay away if that's what you want.

If you feel you need a face to face meeting, why not meet at a restaurant or mall? Have someone watch your house while you're with him. It might sound extreme, but I did that with my ex-husband. He was not welcome at my house and I had the police tell him that.

GoodKarma

I have secured my property the best I can with locks, but he has actually jumped an eight foot fence to get into the backyard to beat on the back doors. He knows that I am there alone. I have been sleeping with my phone and pepper spray. It is such a terrible way to live. I will definitely call the police if I need to.

AnvilheadII

you might look into some of those DIY alarm systems they have out now....one of them to look up has the name SAFE in it, if that helps.

Ann

An alarm is a good idea. If I were you I would get one. My son doesn't know where I live today (but would be able to find me through family if I gave permission), but if I thought he would come, I too would have an alarm installed in a heart beat. I would also have a restraining order in place so that the police can actually do something if called, and not write it off to just another domestic.

Keeping you in my prayers.

GoodKarma

I really wish my son didn't know where I lived. I would be so much more at peace. I am definitely going to look into getting an alarm system of
some kind. That is a great idea.

Seren

Hello GoodKarma,

I hope these past couple of days have been peaceful. I've done the "crazed crack addict pounding on the door" thing with my stepson...good times, not!

Definitely phone nearby, an alarm system helped with our peace of mind--especially since we believed that stepson would steal while we were not at home, too! Everything as nailed down as we could make it.

I do hope that maybe, just maybe, the counselors at the rehab facility talked him into staying?!

GoodKarma

Seren, I have not heard from him for days now. I hope the counselors at the facility talked him into staying too. That is exactly what I am praying for at this point.

A friend of mine is putting me on a guilt trip, telling me he was in rehab for 9 months and it was a total nightmare. He said that the only reason he stayed was because it was court ordered and that I should feel bad about trying to make my son stay in rehab when he is there voluntarily.

biminiblue

This "friend" didn't learn much in rehab, did he? Such as minding his own beeswax.

That is just all kinds of wrong that he would say such a thing.

AnvilheadII

i don't buy tickets for Guilt Trips. this friend is entitled to his own opinion about his rehab experience.........but you do not have to further engage in the conversation or take his words to heart.

your son is going to do whatever he is going to do. he's either still in rehab or he is not.

it's time to dive into things that fill you up, give you joy, support you, fill your days.