mlwhitney35

Hi, my name is Michelle. I am 35 years old from Massachusetts. My ex-boyfriend, turned friend, is an active heroin and crack addict, who has sought detox over the years we were together, but relapsed every time, and has no intention on getting clean. He put the heroin down two months ago, and usually uses Suboxone as a crutch, but he has also picked up the crack. He does not use everyday, but at least 3-4x per week. He has no intention of getting sober. My sister, who is an alcoholic in recovery had slipped up after a year of sobriety last weekend, but she is back on the road to sobriety. Both my ex and my sister struggle with major depression and anxiety on a daily basis.

Since January, I have been struggling with my own recovery in trying to stay home from my ex's house, because going there is never a positive move. I have seen too many things time and again. Some days he is sober, while others, he is high. It causes me anxiety to have to wonder if he is going to be sober or not. I set myself up for expectations that never happen. Most days, he is either sick from no medication or withdrawing from drugs. He never seems to be as happy anymore. This is my third time trying to stay away from going there, but being the summer months, it is a bit harder, because we both love to lie by the pool and have fun. But how much fun would we actually have? I have tried a different approach this time around. Instead of trying to help myself on my own, I had purchased a self-healing and recovery book for addiction. The book was very accurate and on-point about everything I have seen, been through, and continue to go through. It is not easy, but rather a struggle to stay away from his house. I do allow for him to call me, which lasts about 5-10 minutes, and it is a short conversation to see how one another is doing. I no longer allow for emotional abuse, manipulation, or enabling to take place. I also allow for him to drop by my house on occasion, because when he is in my house, it is on my rules and he knows he cannot get high while he is here. I live with my father and eh would not condone that behavior.

I also struggling with anxiety and depression, and whenever I hear or see him in a bad mood, it makes me cringe, but learning to not allow for certain behaviors and attitudes to affect me as much. My question here is, can I still talk and hang out with him occasionally, if he is at my house and things are on my terms, rather than being at his house, stuck, and things on his terms? I am struggling to stay home and go there, as it is something I have always done. I am going to try and get myself better this time around, because I do not wish to live my life in misery, as he lives his most of his days. I want to be happy and heal myself again, and do things I enjoy and love. Any tips would greatly be appreciated for anyone who has dealt with this before. Thank you.

Ann

This is his choice and nothing you say or do will make him see the light.

It is affecting you badly, we all understand and have been through the pain of watching someone we love self-destruct. What you have to decide is if you will allow him to take you down with him. Your own sobriety is the most important thing here and now is a good time to put some space between the insanity of addiction and your own recovery.

If you go to meetings, maybe find a sponsor to help you along with this. If you don't them maybe give them a try, or even Al-anon, Nar-anon or Coda, meetings for those of us who, like you, are dealing with a loved one's addiction. We have many "double winners"here, who practice recovery from both sides of addiction, and I pray you can find help for yourself before you allow yourself to get dragged back into the darkness with him.

Keeping you in my prayers.

mlwhitney35

Hi Ann, thank you so very much for your input, as it is greatly appreciated. I always try and reach out and get others opinions on this subject.

I have been putting some distance between us lately, and it has helped me, it is not easy, but with time and effort, it will become easier, I do know.

The reason for my being online here, is due to the fact that I do not drive and literally live in the middle of nowhere, and cannot get to meetings anywhere locally. Also, they do not have Nar-Anon meetings around me, but do have Al-Anon and sure they are pretty similar. But most of them are not local and online is best for me where I do not drive.

Blessings to you as well and thank you

johnnie360

Honestly its good to see an addict (recovering) who actually knows exactly what it feels like to be on the other side of the addiction. You should be strong and get the hell away from this guy. He doesn't care how you feel about it. He will drop you in a second for someone who won't bug him and will enable him. Either you keep feeling how you do right now and maybe just maybe you will get better, or you carry on ripping your wound open until he finally breaks you then keeps going on. You will be discarded like trash. Then feel worse than you do now. Its a sick painful situation to be in. They care nothing for you. He won't change for you and if you don't like it oh well.

AnvilheadII

you are trying to fit the life of an active addict into normal.....you want those few moments of inbetween time when he is neither high or coming down. he is not capable of being normal.....he is not capable of being a present partner in any type of relationship.

heroin and crack are not good. that's a swarm of angry zombie killer bees...........

mlwhitney35

All I'm asking for is how to break the cycle of keep going back when things do become good. I know what he's into and not asking or expecting change. I know what it is. But how do I stay away from it and still be friendly with him. That's all I want to know. Thanks.

atalose

You can’t.

You have already allowed yourself to be downgraded from girlfriend to “just” friends. And you struggle with not going to his home, that’s not how “just friends” act.

Hechosedrugs

Sometimes I wonder if "detaching with love" is not so appropriate for those of us who were in romantic relationships with addicts. I think we have to do some really intense detoxing- many of us were almost physically addicted to our addicts. I know I went through withdrawals- I lost so much weight during my divorce that I looked more like a meth addict than he did. I had to really make a conscious effort not to allow fond memories to creep in. I had to sort of black them out. I couldn't listen to love songs on the radio. I went cold turkey because I knew tapering off would lead to relapse and I'd be right back in his arms.
I didn't trade love for hate- hateful thoughts of him would have been just as destructive. I just had to completely block him out of my mind. And I did that by keeping myself insanely busy. I am an introvert, so this was so uncomfortable. But I knew I was better off in uncomfortable situations than being inside my head. And a magical thing happened- I started making friends, and I started becoming less shy. I've even done some public speaking lately- something I never thought I could do!
Everything happens for a reason.
Good luck to you.

SparkleKitty

I don't think you do. Figuring out how to be just friends with someone you have romantic feelings for is an exercise in self-torture. Give yourself the space to heal. You deserve it.

tomsteve

maybe print a couple copies of this out and put it where you can read it often:

My ex-boyfriend
-is an active heroin and crack addict
- has sought detox over the years we were together
-but relapsed every time
- and has no intention on getting clean.
-usually uses Suboxone as a crutch,
- but he has also picked up the crack
- He has no intention of getting sober.
- I have been struggling with my own recovery
- because going there is never a positive move
- It causes me anxiety to have to wonder if he is going to be sober or not.
- struggling with anxiety and depression, and whenever I hear or see him in a bad mood, it makes me cringe
- I do not wish to live my life in misery
-I want to be happy and heal myself again, and do things I enjoy and love.

__________________________________________________ _________________________

read that EVERY time you walk by it. pull it out and keep reading it every time you fell like making contact.
that may be just one action that could help get it from your head to your heart that this relationship is destroying you while it aint hurtin him one bit whether your there or not.

AnvilheadII

we don't "struggle" to stay away from "friends".

you need to be honest and sort out YOUR feelings. he has shown you what he has to offer........and it ain't much. i believe you used the word misery a few times. ask yourself WHY you want to go hang out with someone who is getting high on heroin AND crack, and who is miserable and depressed? what's the HOOK for you.......what draws you to that type of environment?