clarity888

So over the weekend driving out of town with AH, I asked him why last week's insomnia was so frequent. Also, told him I'd seen that his hand/finger tremors were really bad too on Sat./Sun. (he has benign essential tremor, but this was worse). I told him I was worried and he needs a neurologist SOON...Parkinson's Disease is similar to withdrawals from alcohol (I thought maybe the benign tremor was the beginnings of Parkinson's), But nooooo, he came to me, told me he'd been drinking 10 beers daily for the last 9 months, after work until bedtime, and he's kept it well hidden because he knows how I feel about it. He said he's tired of being this way, is fat, wants health, knows I want a better relationship w/him since it has soured due to his isolating himself. Right now I'm just fuming over how much lying, hiding alc around the house, and care give n to our son while shloshed was happening. He agreed to get seen at a rehab place and possibly do detox or intensive outpatient. He know I won't have him drinking like that and have me and our son there while he does it. So many times in the last 3 years I'd hear him slur his words, & he'd say "you're worrying about nothing, I'm just tired from work/talking all day + 2 beers". I am esp mad about him driving places with Jake in that state, or just the beer stench on his breath and how he disciplines very abruptly after 10 beers and talks over people. I don't know him anymore, but I realize everything I worried about was actually coming true. I have not slept in the same room with him due to sleep apnea, which causes snoring so loud I can't sleep at all, so he stays in the guest room where it's convenient in that he can reek of alcohol in there by the end of the 6 to 10 beers. And I'll never know. And frankly, I detached years ago when it was fewer beers per day, since he said "I don't have a problem" and I couldn't change it anyway. Anyway, he asked for support as he tapers down from 10 to 5 beers this week, before going to the rehab place Thursday. From all I've read from your stories, I should not expect much, or that his success in sobriety will be a long road. So my question is: do I continue living in the same place with him until we know what his "plan" will be, or do I try to leave and take our son (or maybe AH will leave) so that I am not enabling him? It kills me knowing this may break our son's heart. My AH is a good dad; he cooks, spends time with our son, is on the Watch Dogs team of dads at school to keep campus safe, and he mentors kids at that school (all while sober, I PRAY). I keep feeling like I want to get out tomorrow because I am so upset about all the lies and covering up, but am waiting for a national exam in July so I can get a job in my field. I just need him to know that I am serious, as he says he is, and will promptly get out to avoid any more BS. Looking back, I now see his focus was on getting drunk or getting over the hangover. I feel incredibly foolish, but he hid the signs oh so well.

honeypig

This was me, too, clarity. It's taken me a long time to forgive myself for being so "foolish"--but as someone pointed out here, we don't marry someone b/c we DIStrust them, right? Why on earth would we monitor them, suspect what they say, etc? Of course we'll put the best possible spin on anything that seems off. Plus, we have the security of our own lives tied up in this relationship, or at least that's what we think...

Welcome to SR. I see you joined a year ago, even though this is your first post, so I'm imagining you've had time to do a lot of reading here, both in the forum proper as well as in the "stickies" section. If not, I'll suggest both as a good place to start, as well as getting to some Alanon meetings for f2f support.

Regarding your question about leaving now vs staying at least until you've taken your test--when I was brand new to recovery, I was angry and hurt and talking about divorcing right now, at least partly to show him I was serious. The advice I received was to not make any major changes/decisions for a year, provided there was no abuse or other physical danger in the relationship. But you're not talking about divorce, only a temporary change until you see if his actions match his words, or at least that's how I understand it.

IMHO, if you can afford to go elsewhere, there's no reason for you not to get some space and peace right now rather than waiting. Your actions may, perhaps, "show him that you mean it", but ultimately he will make his own choices regardless of anything you do or don't do. Make YOUR choices based on safety and sanity for you and your child.

Ladysadie

First you take care of you. The metaphor of the oxygen mask is appropriate here, you need to treat yourself with the utmost regard so you can be your awesome mom self. So many unknowns when you are dealing with an alcoholic but distancing yourself from your AH is a normal and practical tactic. Al-anon is a great help too when you feel you need additional support.

I would insist my AH go into treatment. Tapering is often a bullish*t way of continuing to drink. He needs to stop altogether. If he's scheduled to go into treatment they will work to detox him. I'd suggest you participate in whatever they have spouses do and relate how this has upset your life, your security and your future. Only you can decide what you need to do but if he's putting good faith effort into his recovery you can either work with him or get your own plan going on what you want your life to look like.

If I were you my best advice is get going on your self sufficiency. If you manage to work things out then that is great too, but you need to think about yourself, and your child first and foremost. We really can't rely on anyone else but ourselves. Good luck to you and sending you many hugs and blessings. Action is the only way things will change for you, for all of us. Otherwise it is just quacking.

dandylion

clarity....National Boards are a beast...so, I think that it would not be a good idea to make any big change before they are over, in July...as long as everyone is safe, of course.....
If he is going to detox/rehab in a few days....this would give you some study time and time to get involved in a support system of your own...which you are going to need regardless of how things unfold....
After detox, it might be a good idea for him to go to a sober house for a few weeks to months, to get used to living life on life's terms, without alcohol....
This gives both of you time and space to get a better perspective....rather than try to make decisions in crisis mode.....

Lakegirl111

Hi there,

You sound so much like me. I only just in the recent past discovered what I had been blind to. Married 13 years! I was never exposed or spent time around anyone who was drunk except for maybe a college football game (which then it's so obvious that everyone is drunk there). I didn't know what I was dealing with. I thought he was just....a jerk? Incredibly moody? What a fool I had been. I thought the same thing about myself! I so get where you're coming from! I wish I could give you a hug or something.
So now it's all out, he's in AA /has a sponsor. We have never experienced those major disasters like job loss/financial trouble etc... That's part of what can make you feel like YOU'RE the crazy one. Maybe I'm just overreacting? I remember many times, the next morning after he had been acting crazy/being awful to me.....it would almost feel like I had a hangover! My mind would go....wait, what just happened?! Why is he acting normal right now? I felt fuzzy and confused. Blegh. That was awful.

Anyway, now I'm clear-headed. I'm attending counseling which helps so much. It helps me to make sure I'm not in denial and helps me to see clearly.

I'm working on self-sufficiency, just in case.

He is just approaching 90 days sober..... again. This is where he "relapsed" (hate that terminology) last time. So I'm fighting the "on edge" feeling.
This time I have a contingency plan for if he drinks. I have a bag packed and already in my van and I'll be taking the kids to Grandpa and Grandma's house for a sleepover. The next day, we'll do something super fun like going to a big zoo..... without him of course. I hope I never have to go through with it and God help me with strength to do it if the time comes.

Now I'm just rambling. Sorry!
Hugs to you! I know how I feel.

atalose

I think if you have been reading the stories here then you know that if he admitted to drinking 10 beers a day it’s probably more.

That he’s asked you to help him means he’s wanting to put HIS recovery into your hands so if/when he fails it’s your fault not his.

He’s talking a lot of talk about getting some help, does the actions match the words? It’s often I’ll go on this day or next week or they won’t take me until I am sober. Lots of excuses for why they can’t.

I agree, focus on your boards right now, see what more will be revealed with him and his actions than after your boards decide what is best for you.

trailmix

Hi Clarity, glad you posted.

Lots of good suggestions given already but I wanted to address this.

As honeypig mentioned, why would you distrust them initially?

I have heard many say how foolish they felt when someone lied and they "fell for it". Honestly, I don't feel that way. How do I know when someone is lying? I don't have some kind of magic lie detector so you take what people say at face value, what alternative is there?

Once you get a gut feeling that what appears to be the truth may not be or the lie or deception is revealed, well that's a different story, you now know or at least suspect for some kind of reason.

So please don't feel foolish, unless you have a magic lie detector and didn't use it!

One other thing, really good Dads don't look after their children while drunk. I would not let him take care of your child alone.

clarity888

Just wanted to say thank you for all the good ideas and support. It has been a very slow 3 days of trying to comprehend how many times behaviors were a result of drunkenness, and of trying to accept the situation, minute by minute. Tonight my anger came out and I know I shamed him, but I had to say that parenting while under the influence of 10 beers--EVEN if I am there--is BAD parenting. I leave all the time and return at 11 pm because I drive two hours each way to visit my father. I have trusted my AH with our son so that I can give my stepmom a break because my father had a stroke a year ago and is bedridden, life ruined, hers is too, it's just a disaster. Anyway, I plan to first tell my stepmom that things around here are different and my support availability won't be as great as I thought it would be now that I'm out of school and waiting for the board exam. She won't tell my dad, hopefully, because he can't handle things emotionally or cognitively; I wonder if I will even tell her. Tomorrow I go with AH to an intake screening where a physician will "get real" about his health. This appointment with The Right Choice (rehab) was my idea; AH told me Sunday from out of the blue that he's up to 10 beers a day and plans to quit within 7 more days, and that he'd wanted to tell me when he was completely weaned off that he was DONE. So technically, he did begin this "detox" on his own, before I noticed the bad shaking, and he told me about being halfway through it (Sunday) because on Sat. I had mentioned his trembling, silence, erratic behavior and suggested a neurologist. So maybe he did begin this process on his own, though I now realize it was likely prompted 2 weeks ago, when I told him that his behavior with waitstaff was humiliating, and that the BS of our "intimacy" was about to hit critical mass and I was ready to discuss parting ways if he didn't at least get the sleep apnea appointment done (it's been two freakin' years). I have some depression/anxiety of my own, but I don't drink enough for it to affect me (I used to, in my 20's and 30's, but once becoming a mom it all changed). I know problems in our marriage exist apart from his addiction, that I am part of. Anyway, his parents live here and I hope he will tell them about this. It's hard for me to have to supervise all interaction he will have with our son; it's a huge change and the support would be nice (if they don't take sides). I so appreciate what you all shared. I took our son to baseball without AH tonight, first practice, because I want him to know I don't need to be around him if he's actively drinking. It felt really mean. I have empathy for addicts, have studied some of this crap, known ppl with issues, had my own experiences earlier in life, but didn't expect him to do this at 47. Sorry this is so long. I am trying to stay in the "waiting stage as STILL moving forward", but my mind is frantic about "do I keep our son in the same school, do I move to the town where both my parents live and I have many more friends or will that further destroy my son, will I find the right job with being a new grad in my field (usually you have to work PRN awhile to get a FT job, or should I get my old job back in my old town since it has openings and great benefits"...okay, now I'm word vomitting on you all and I deeply apologize. LOL. Dear Lord. Everyone, have a good night & be blessed.

dandylion

clarity....My general thought is that if you have good relations with your family...and, it sounds like you do....a move back to there might be the best plan....
Good social support is of paramount importance, I would say....
I think that worrying that a move will "destroy" you son is placing too much weight on that one variable. Your son will take his cues from you....and, what ever will render you the most stable, will, in the end, be the most valuable to your son. Remember that kids are very adaptable, if they have a loving and secure day to day existence…..
You will find a new job in the new town.....being near your old friends is very valuable...don't discount that....

I remember that when my mother was in hospice....there were other clients who had chronic illnesses, that would come to stay for the weekends...so that their caregivers could get a break...…
I trust that you have been working with social workers to find all the sources for respite for your mother....?

I think that eliminating the 4hr. trips, alone, would relieve you from a lot of excessive stress......