Overwhelmed - need help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Overwhelmed - need help.
Hi Everyone,
I am back again (for anyone who remembers me). I don't want to repeat myself, but I'll just say that I have an ex-husband who I've been dealing with for years. The ONLY thing that helped me find the strength to leave that situation was this board. I am eternally grateful, and I always intend to come back here and help others, and then something else catastrophic happens and I don't do it.
I left him in 2014 and since then, he's done okay roughly 75% of the time. We had an incident last May, where he showed up at my house drunk and I called the police and he now has a misdemeanor stalking charge. Then in June of last year, my father shot and killed my mother before killing himself. I was very close to my parents, and so were my two boys (6 and 10). It has been devastating, to say the least. My father was never abusive and never suicidal (that we knew of). In the immediate aftermath of their deaths, my ex was very supportive (he had an alcohol monitor on for almost a year, and during that entire time he was absolutely wonderful). He made all kinds of promises about how he wasn't going to binge-drink anymore, and that he'd always be there to support the boys and I.
Here we are, a year later. After being struck by major depression, he finally went to see a therapist and psychiatrist, and joined an anxiety group. His father was recently diagnosed as bipolar, but the psychiatrist he met with said he doesn't think my ex has it, that it's more likely just severe depression. He has Kaiser and they only let you see the psychiatrist maybe once every few months. He got on medication (Lexapro) and was attending all of his appointments and claimed to be feeling much better. The weekend before last was the first time I let him have the kids overnight in weeks. I went by his place first, and made sure it was clean (I can tell he's drinking/depressed by how clean his house is/isn't) and he was peppy and in a great mood. I checked in with them Saturday evening and he had just made them dinner and they were going for a walk. All seemed well.
Sunday morning, I wake up to calls from a stranger. It was a girl he has been sleeping with apparently. She said she was with my children and that their dad had drank too much. (WHAT? He has never, in ten years, even during our marriage, drank while watching the kids. That was the ONE THING I could predict about him.) She tells me the boys are sleeping but that I should come get them asap. I panic and rush over, and she lets me in. I sneak past my ex who is passed out on the couch, and wake my poor babies up to tell them we have to go NOW. I get them outside and go back to grab a few of their things, and my ex wakes up, starts yelling at me, and pokes me hard in the chest before I get out the door.
In the week since that happened, he has been holed up in his apartment, drinking and taking meds. He is a disaster. He is self-employed and has no-showed to his clients, which means no more work. He hasn't paid rent. His cell phone has been cut off. His wifi is still on, and he kept repeatedly face timing me yesterday, and when I finally answered before blocking him, he looked crazed. I am beside myself. He is burning his life down. I am terrified for him, but more so for my boys. They lost their grandparents in a horrifying way, and now I fear I'm going to have to tell them soon that daddy is gone.
What, if anything, can I do? Everything I've learned tells me to stay out of it. But it is so hard, because his family is all in the UK, and he has pushed away every friend. If I call the police to do a welfare check, I know he will fight them and possibly go to jail. I feel like my hands are tied because I won't put myself or the kids in danger, but I am also so, so scared. I've been through so much in the last year, and I've grown from it, but I'm so tired. I just want a normal, peaceful life. I have always been responsible and worked hard, and I will keep doing that and supporting my kids, but I need a break.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I am at a loss. Sorry for the length.
I am back again (for anyone who remembers me). I don't want to repeat myself, but I'll just say that I have an ex-husband who I've been dealing with for years. The ONLY thing that helped me find the strength to leave that situation was this board. I am eternally grateful, and I always intend to come back here and help others, and then something else catastrophic happens and I don't do it.
I left him in 2014 and since then, he's done okay roughly 75% of the time. We had an incident last May, where he showed up at my house drunk and I called the police and he now has a misdemeanor stalking charge. Then in June of last year, my father shot and killed my mother before killing himself. I was very close to my parents, and so were my two boys (6 and 10). It has been devastating, to say the least. My father was never abusive and never suicidal (that we knew of). In the immediate aftermath of their deaths, my ex was very supportive (he had an alcohol monitor on for almost a year, and during that entire time he was absolutely wonderful). He made all kinds of promises about how he wasn't going to binge-drink anymore, and that he'd always be there to support the boys and I.
Here we are, a year later. After being struck by major depression, he finally went to see a therapist and psychiatrist, and joined an anxiety group. His father was recently diagnosed as bipolar, but the psychiatrist he met with said he doesn't think my ex has it, that it's more likely just severe depression. He has Kaiser and they only let you see the psychiatrist maybe once every few months. He got on medication (Lexapro) and was attending all of his appointments and claimed to be feeling much better. The weekend before last was the first time I let him have the kids overnight in weeks. I went by his place first, and made sure it was clean (I can tell he's drinking/depressed by how clean his house is/isn't) and he was peppy and in a great mood. I checked in with them Saturday evening and he had just made them dinner and they were going for a walk. All seemed well.
Sunday morning, I wake up to calls from a stranger. It was a girl he has been sleeping with apparently. She said she was with my children and that their dad had drank too much. (WHAT? He has never, in ten years, even during our marriage, drank while watching the kids. That was the ONE THING I could predict about him.) She tells me the boys are sleeping but that I should come get them asap. I panic and rush over, and she lets me in. I sneak past my ex who is passed out on the couch, and wake my poor babies up to tell them we have to go NOW. I get them outside and go back to grab a few of their things, and my ex wakes up, starts yelling at me, and pokes me hard in the chest before I get out the door.
In the week since that happened, he has been holed up in his apartment, drinking and taking meds. He is a disaster. He is self-employed and has no-showed to his clients, which means no more work. He hasn't paid rent. His cell phone has been cut off. His wifi is still on, and he kept repeatedly face timing me yesterday, and when I finally answered before blocking him, he looked crazed. I am beside myself. He is burning his life down. I am terrified for him, but more so for my boys. They lost their grandparents in a horrifying way, and now I fear I'm going to have to tell them soon that daddy is gone.
What, if anything, can I do? Everything I've learned tells me to stay out of it. But it is so hard, because his family is all in the UK, and he has pushed away every friend. If I call the police to do a welfare check, I know he will fight them and possibly go to jail. I feel like my hands are tied because I won't put myself or the kids in danger, but I am also so, so scared. I've been through so much in the last year, and I've grown from it, but I'm so tired. I just want a normal, peaceful life. I have always been responsible and worked hard, and I will keep doing that and supporting my kids, but I need a break.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I am at a loss. Sorry for the length.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
For one thing, if he has a key, change the locks. Maybe install a security system if you can afford it. Keep your phone on you.
He's in a dangerous spot - whether it's drugs/alcohol or some kind of psychological break or all of the above. I don't know how old your kids are, but whatever you can do to protect them...
Definitely don't contact him. I would let all facetime calls go to voicemail and not answer texts or emails.
Do you know the name of his psyche doc? She needs to know he's off the rails.
He's in a dangerous spot - whether it's drugs/alcohol or some kind of psychological break or all of the above. I don't know how old your kids are, but whatever you can do to protect them...
Definitely don't contact him. I would let all facetime calls go to voicemail and not answer texts or emails.
Do you know the name of his psyche doc? She needs to know he's off the rails.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Oh hon...I'm so sorry for all the tragedy in your life past and present....do everything you can to protect yourself and your boys...he could be having a psychotic break exacerbated by drinking again. Where is his girlfriend now, I wonder? I wonder if she can do anything to get him some help. I mean, I would think she would be scared too. I'm glad she had the presence of mind to call you when she did. This is so sooo sad. It almost sounds like things are unraveling quickly. A welfare check might be the thing to do and if he lands in jail, that could be the safest place for him, unfortunately. Your hands are tied to an extent.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 539
Make sure his family in the UK know exactly what is going on. My husband and I live far from his family. When he hit a couple bottoms, I finally reached out. They were shocked I had not been in touch earlier. They reached out to him via phone first and arranged for his brother who was closest to come. His sister was willing to come, she was in the UK. His father also came who was a plane ride away. Even if he has been on bad terms with him, they should know. You need to inform your friends and family as well. You need people looking out for you and assisting you through this. My heart aches for you. I remember worrying so much for the safety of my husband when he left in his car and what I was going to tell the kids if something horrible happened. A wellness call is better than the police showing up on your doorstep with bad news. Police are unlikely to put someone in jail for being drunk and disorderly in his own home. Warn them about his likely reaction to their visit and they will tread lightly. They will not provoke him into a fight. You may have seen him fight police before but probably the situation was different than a wellness visit. A wellness check will only be that...they will let you know if he is alive and kicking. If you are looking for them to do more, they can't. Most important piece of advice here it that worrying only ruins the present, it can't fix anything. If he is going to meet a tragic end or bad situation, it is completely out of your hands. You will deal with that if and when it happens. You can't deal with something that has not happened. You need to carry on with your life. Take care of you and your boys. Your ex needs to take care of himself. Make the calls to his family and then focus on you. If you think he needs a wellness visit, make the call. The worry in between is wasted energy. His relapsing is sad, but not unexpected. It happens. Take care of your boys and yourself. Hugs
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
EmmyG…..drinking on top of the meds is a formula that will make a person behave absolutely Krazy!...…
I do think that the doctor needs to know...all of the details. If there is no signed permission for the psychiatrist to talk to you...you can still call and tell the psychiatrist all of the information.
I don't think that you should ever hold off asking the police to do a welfare check because you are afraid of the consequences...like him fighting or jail...because, as teatreeoil pointed out...jail might be the safest place for him....and, it would give a chance for him to get dried out....
When he puts hands on you in an aggressive way....I think it is best for you to bring charges...that way, it puts him in the "system" which can put boundaries on him....and, perhaps, keep him in treatment.....
Shielding him from the natural consequences of his behaviors is not helping him...only enabling him...…
I think you should call your lawyer and give all of the details to him/her. This will help you toward keeping your children safe.....
I hop that you are keeping a detailed log of ever untoward occurance….you never know when you will need it....
I do think that the doctor needs to know...all of the details. If there is no signed permission for the psychiatrist to talk to you...you can still call and tell the psychiatrist all of the information.
I don't think that you should ever hold off asking the police to do a welfare check because you are afraid of the consequences...like him fighting or jail...because, as teatreeoil pointed out...jail might be the safest place for him....and, it would give a chance for him to get dried out....
When he puts hands on you in an aggressive way....I think it is best for you to bring charges...that way, it puts him in the "system" which can put boundaries on him....and, perhaps, keep him in treatment.....
Shielding him from the natural consequences of his behaviors is not helping him...only enabling him...…
I think you should call your lawyer and give all of the details to him/her. This will help you toward keeping your children safe.....
I hop that you are keeping a detailed log of ever untoward occurance….you never know when you will need it....
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh sweetie, I am so very sorry! As if you have not been through enough!
I myself would do three things. One, I would request a welfare check. What he does during that time is his choice, and his consequences. Two, I would tell his family, it's their choice to come to him or not, but at least they would know. Three, I would contact your attorney as your children are not safe with him at all.
Big hugs!
I myself would do three things. One, I would request a welfare check. What he does during that time is his choice, and his consequences. Two, I would tell his family, it's their choice to come to him or not, but at least they would know. Three, I would contact your attorney as your children are not safe with him at all.
Big hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
In the week since that happened, he has been holed up in his apartment, drinking and taking meds.
He is a disaster.
He is self-employed and has no-showed to his clients, which means no more work.
He hasn't paid rent.
His cell phone has been cut off.
He, he this , he that- its’ all about him………….what about you? And why do you feel you have to do anything – you stated he has a girlfriend and she knows he drinks because she called you. Try not to put yourself in the position of thinking you are his only hope, his only chance.
EXACTELY!!!! Take care of you and your kids.
He is a disaster.
He is self-employed and has no-showed to his clients, which means no more work.
He hasn't paid rent.
His cell phone has been cut off.
He, he this , he that- its’ all about him………….what about you? And why do you feel you have to do anything – you stated he has a girlfriend and she knows he drinks because she called you. Try not to put yourself in the position of thinking you are his only hope, his only chance.
Everything I've learned tells me to stay out of it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
EmmyG,
I suspect your feelings about the horrific loss of your parents might be impacting your current situation with your Ex. Who are you trying to save?
It might be kind to do a welfare call check or reach out to his family if you still have contact with them. But if you fear doing these things will make you more pulled in and unable to focus on yourself, that is a bad choice. You could suggest these interventions to his SO to keep yourself from getting deeper into his crisis.
So sorry to see you are still suffering the chaos of addiction. It is summer, do something silly with your boys. Blast the radio and sing along, have a watermelon seed spitting contest, a water gun fight. Have dessert for dinner. Go find some fireflies and look at the stars. Do crazy things to laugh and just force yourself to be in the moment rather than obsessing over the ex’s latest crisis.
Hugs to you and your boys., EmmaG.
I suspect your feelings about the horrific loss of your parents might be impacting your current situation with your Ex. Who are you trying to save?
It might be kind to do a welfare call check or reach out to his family if you still have contact with them. But if you fear doing these things will make you more pulled in and unable to focus on yourself, that is a bad choice. You could suggest these interventions to his SO to keep yourself from getting deeper into his crisis.
So sorry to see you are still suffering the chaos of addiction. It is summer, do something silly with your boys. Blast the radio and sing along, have a watermelon seed spitting contest, a water gun fight. Have dessert for dinner. Go find some fireflies and look at the stars. Do crazy things to laugh and just force yourself to be in the moment rather than obsessing over the ex’s latest crisis.
Hugs to you and your boys., EmmaG.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by CodeJob 
Blast the radio and sing along, have a watermelon seed spitting contest, a water gun fight. Have dessert for dinner. Go find some fireflies and look at the stars. Do crazy things to laugh and just force yourself to be in the moment
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I think I agree with the other posters - calling the police to do a wellness check will put the problem in the hands of people who are mandated to do something about it - police and social services. If he gets aggressive with the police, that's not necessarily a bad thing. And giving it over to the cops takes the situation out of YOUR hands, where it doesn't belong.
It does sound like a psychotic episode (my ex has them too) - but it's really not your responsibility to figure out why he's acting crazy. All you need to know is that he's not safe to be around you or the kids in his present state and all you need to do is look after yourself.
There is really nothing else you can do - you can't stop whatever is going on with him. It's not being callous or cruel to arrive at that realization - it's just accepting the reality of the situation for what it is.
It does sound like a psychotic episode (my ex has them too) - but it's really not your responsibility to figure out why he's acting crazy. All you need to know is that he's not safe to be around you or the kids in his present state and all you need to do is look after yourself.
There is really nothing else you can do - you can't stop whatever is going on with him. It's not being callous or cruel to arrive at that realization - it's just accepting the reality of the situation for what it is.
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