Katzen

It would be so easy right now to get in my car and drive 5 minutes to buy some booze. I’m feeling very very tempted.

My husband stole my youth. I was young and beautiful many years ago, I had my kids when I was 18 and 21... and when they were in high school they constantly told me the boys in their class were calling me a milf.

And just a few minutes ago I took a good long look at myself in the mirror and started to cry. My husband and I are splitting up... I’m old and grey and even though I bought a bottle of hair dye a few days ago to touch up my grey roots I feel like I don’t deserve to use it... why bother hiding the fact I’m 50 years old and will probably never be loved again by a man like my husband used to love me when I was young and pretty.

I don’t want to drink.... I know that’s not the answer... but I feel like I want to numb the emotional pain I’m feeling today and don’t know how else to do it. I know I should get out, make friends, I have no friends that live nearby and I don’t like my neighbors, all they do is gossip about other neighbors. Oh I bet they’d all love to know I’m an alcoholic but I hid it well, even my husband didn’t know that I secretly drank the day away when he was at work and at my worst I would swig vodka from a bottle hidden under the towels every time I went to the bathroom. I’d often take another swig or two in the middle of the night when I didn’t even need to use the bathroom. Go in there, drink, use some mouthwash, flush... he never knew.

We have no AA meetings where I live, nearest ones are over an hour drive away, and when I start to feel pitiful I wouldn’t be safe behind the wheel driving that far. But I can drive 5 minutes to buy alcohol....

Someone please tell me to STOP.

doggonecarl

Okay. Stop.

Stop the relentless game your addiction is playing to get you to drink.

Marcutah1

Yes, STOP. Don't go to "that" store. It will only give you more guilt and grief. Sorry about your divorce. I am only 33 days without a drink and it hasn't been easy. I chase out the thoughts of buying a bottle 4-5 times a day starting just after I get up. I see you have been here since 2016 so I will make an assumption that you have had times of sobriety if not sober since you joined. Just remember what it felt like the next morning not to mention that the same issues you are dealing with will still be there. Instead focus on something you like. Watch a funny movie or sitcom. Find a park and feed the ducks. Anything other than a bottle. BTW, when you feel better about yourself, others will to. Love comes in all shapes and sizes so who knows what the future brings

DontRemember

Instead of going to buy booze, why don't you get in the car and drive(it's one of the benifits of being sober) to go get your hair done and go shopping(even window) for a while..grab some lunch/dinner while you're out? Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself is a waste of time and energy.

calmself

Everyone has his or her own battles through out life to fight. Please do not use self pity as a reason to drink. At 50, you cannot expect to look like 30 and years of drinking might have made you age faster, both physically and mentally. Please stop abusing yourself.

PeacefulWater12

Get your hair dye done, luv. I am 55 and I am not past it yet.

50 is the new 30.

Edit to add, when I quit drinking within a short time I looked years younger.

Marcutah1

So true PeacefulWater. I have seen an improvement in my dark circles in just the short time since I stopped. I am 64.

StrengthNme

I have been divorced for 5 and a half years now and am so sorry to hear about your divorce, but yes, STOP! Do you like coffee? Make yourself a nice cup of coffee and, if possible, sit outside while you drink it.

Katzen

I can’t get in my car and drive because I’m afraid I’ll end up going into a store and buying alcohol. Forcing myself to stay home wearing my grubby yet comfy at-home clothes and I know I need a shower but putting off taking one today because I’d feel tempted if I’m getting dressed I may as well put on presentable clothes.

Reading these forums is helping me resist the urge... so many people are dealing with difficult issues yet manage staying sober so I feel I can do this, too.

Katzen

I do feel much wiser now that I’m older, I think because I was 18 when my first daughter was born, and I very rarely drank when I was raising my kids, but I never had the fun party lifestyle that other college students had... so maybe I made up for it after my kids grew up, got married, moved away. I’m fortunate I’m not physically addicted to alcohol like I was a couple years ago, used to get the shakes and needed more alcohol to make them go away. Now I can go weeks without alcohol and feel physically fine, but some days I just get in a sad mood and think why not have a drink it always made me feel better.... but I refuse to give in to the urge!

Katzen

Actually not getting divorced... yet... neither of us has said the D word but it is probably inevitable. I don’t drink coffee but sipping apple juice, it’s either that or soda (I’m not a fan of plain water). Next week I’ll have to go to the store for dog food and groceries, but I avoid going out when I’m in a sad mood because I know I’ll be tempted to buy “just one bottle” of wine and I do not want to end up physically addicted to alcohol again.

ChloeRose63

Just get in the car and drive to the AA meeting. Put on some calming music or a motivational CD and get out of your town. The change will do you good. Maybe even explore the new area where the AA meeting are held. Make some new friends there. Don't hold yourself back!

BDTL

I'd rather run through hell with gasoline drawers on than go back to drinking that nasty ole alcohol. Fifty ain't too old! Hell get yourself in a gym and tighten up them buns and get yourself back in the groove. You got a lot of life to live so no pity party allowed.

timm84

Oh man, this hit me right in the feels.

It's funny that I'm in a completely different stage of life/situation - I'm just 33 and in relatively great shape (aside from my liver) but feel so similar.

3 and a half years ago I met "THE ONE" at a friend's Christmas party. After only a couple hours of talking I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Cut to 3 months later and she dumped me in a text message - my drinking was a factor. Ever since I have pretty much been a basket case in this department. I've dated a few other girls but I very much doubt that I'm ever going to have feelings that strong for another person again or that someone will love me like that.

My drinking really took off after this. I would think about her and get triggered so easily, start drinking bourbon early in the day and not stop until I was passed out because I wanted to obliterate her from my memory.

Anyway - long story short - these feelings are just another excuse to drink. I was already going hard at it before I met her.

The only thing I can say is the drinking is only going to make you feel worse and eventually the only people who will find you dateable are fellow alcoholics.

It's probably the most insidious way we tell ourselves it's ok to have a drink - because we're in pain and want relief, however temporary it may be or how much damage it does in the long run. Don't let the pity win. at least not today.

Optimist4ever57

Stop. Stop. Stop.

Believe me, I know the feeling, Katzen.

I was 55 when my marriage ended and felt the same way as you. Then I found a nice picture, signed up on eharmony and yikes! I never dated any of the men, but they were all over themselves asking me to meet. Hundreds. Seriously. So, if you need an ego boost, go for it!

It will get better, Katzen.

Gilmer

I am a far, far better woman at 58 than I was at 25. Though I’m not the smoke show I was then, I’m still a lot better than a sharp stick in the eye. . Don’t be so hard on yourself!

I do get my hair dyed. . That helps!

But far, far better than any physical beauty is the genuine internal beauty and substance I’ve developed since I’ve been sober.

I used to have no capacity for anything but a constant pity party when I was drinking—but now my life is full of people and things beyond my former sad little treadmill.

If you apply half the time and effort to learning and investing in your emotional and spiritual health as you did your drinking, you will experience deep growth in character and satisfaction in every one of life’s circumstances.

A self-actualized person is immensely attractive to everyone around her, on a much deeper and more important level than just the physical.

MissPerfumado

I'm 45, and I get my hair dyed regularly. But into our 40s and beyond, I think exercise is our best friend. My face has lines and grooves, freckles and sunspots, it does not look like it did 25 years ago! But my body is in pretty good nick. More importantly, I FEEL great. Being fit and healthy builds confidence that superficial beauty can never do. Natural endorphins from exercise chase away the blues like nothing else, better even than alcohol (which only numbs temporarily).

Start slow and build up. Get into running, yoga, gym classes ... something you like, or haven't done in a while, and go onwards from there.

Get out of the slouchy home clothes, brush your hair, stand up straight and smile at your reflection in the mirror. Be proud of yourself, be proud of the 50 years of living and learning you've done.

I would not trade the wisdom, maturity and inner happiness I have now to be the insecure, shallow, unreflective, simple-minded young girl I was.

BDTL

This ^^^^^^^^ is awesome!

Katzen

Thanks to everyone for being so supportive... it really is helping me resist the urge. Luckily I’m not physically addicted like I was a couple years ago, but I’ve been taking a long hard look at why I was drinking. I felt like I had the perfect life, my youngest daughter who has been married just over a year when she came to visit us a few months ago told me she hopes she and her husband are still in love like my husband and I were, people constantly said we had the perfect life and the perfect marriage. And yes it seems like we did, we never argued, we got along great, but I guess I was in denial that our marriage was anything but perfect, we haven’t even been intimate in years. A quick kiss on the lips on birthdays, Christmas, Valentines Day... an “I love you” muttered at the end of phone calls, other than that our relationship had turned into two best friends living together. Him going to work, me at home cooking, cleaning, I was like June Cleaver but no kids in the house anymore, isn’t that how married people behaved?

So maybe that’s why I bought 2 bottles of wine last month after months of almost-sobriety (did drink on New Years and Valentines Day but not in excess) and then chugged them both down in a minute... I’m not stupid, I knew I get tipsy after having half a bottle so two bottles I’d be obviously drunk, then I hid the bottles and lied to my husband when he asked if I was drinking in secret, he had no idea until I told him how sneaky I was for years “forgetting” to buy milk or bread or hiding all the tampons I really need to go buy some so I had to go to the store and then I’d sneak a bottle of vodka in the house in my purse.

Thinking that day last month I might have subconsciously wanted to be drunk so I had an excuse to be a bitch to my husband and break up our marriage, I was always a happy drunk but that night I snapped, we both did and said some really mean things to each other for the very first time. I think we always kept negativity out of our marriage and it was all bottled up and finally we both exploded. He really had no idea how much I used to drink until that night told him he was a fool for not noticing, but no he just really didn’t pay much attention to me anymore, thanks for dinner that tasted great now we’ll sit on separate sofas and watch tv... me having him pause the movie we’re watching so I can go to the bathroom and having a swig of vodka stashed underneath towels in the closet.

Sorry I’m rambling, but it feels good to confess to others who may have been through the same thing. I know I can stay sober, I’ve done it before just not since I realized our marriage needed to be ended. I have my two sweet dogs to take care of now and to keep me company in my new, sober life.

Katzen

When I’ve had periods of been sober for weeks or months I would always think back to how exhausting it was sneaking alcohol into the house and drinking without my husband finding out and how much money I spent on booze, we never had to pinch pennies but at one point I was spending $12 a day on flavored vodka. Looking back I never could believe how I became an alcoholic and vowed never to drink again... but then I’d give into the urge. Very determined not to give in ever again... but having a hard time today....

Thanks to everyone for being supportive and not judgemental... I want to be able to come back here in 11 months and proudly say I spent a year totally sober you all are so kind and helpful!

Right now I’m shedding tears of happiness that there are such kind strangers in this crazy world.